Am I his Dad?

[MrMarple]

To cut a very long story short my OH and I have been married for over 30 years. 8 years into our marriage I discovered my OH had met an acquaintance of ours in a secluded pub. Our daughter was aged 1 at the time.

It took me 2 years for me to finally click what had been going on by which time our son had been born.

My OH stonewalled my questions other than confess to only meeting him once. 19 years later she confessed to a 2nd meeting at that time. She hasn’t owned up to anything else in that time other than it wasn’t sexual. I have enough circumstantial evidence to suspect there were more than 2 meetings and it went on longer including into her pregnancy.

One of the many issues that have resulted is that our son was conceived in or around the date of that meeting at the pub. When you use the reverse calculator of his birth date it lands on that exact date.

This has troubled me for many years (I’ve had to bite my lip for most of those 20 plus years) and as our son grows older, some of his physical features have worried me further.

I have had 2 breakdowns during this time and did demand that we have a DNA Ancestry test done. My OH said go ahead as she didn’t have sex.

Our son is pretty much oblivious to all this but how do you ask him now he is into his 20s? I don’t want to trick him into doing one and I don’t want him to know about our full past.

Your marriage is over. I have no idea whether your wife cheated on you. If she did, you cannot forgive her. If she did not, you cannot forgive her for something she didn't do. Either way your relationship is seriously unhealthy. What does matter is the relationship with your son, who is definitely an innocent in this. Honestly, I think if you demand a dna test now he is old enough to understand, then even if he turned out to be yours, your relationship would probably never recover. Do you really want to take that chance? Whether or not your wife is at fault, he isn't.

He's been your son for 20 years. Even if he isn't biologically would you love him less? It would be devastating to you both to find out he isn't. Let it go and let her live with the truth.

I’m so confused about most of the replies to this, but anyway.
Id ignore the bit about blood groups someone said, families can have all different ones, I had to have injections after having my kids to stop me making antibodies as our blood groups
were so different.
There does seem to be a few bits to worry about with your wife lying and shutting down your concerns and stuff over the years, Its a long time ago but that’s not to say it doesn’t matter, especially if it’s made you doubt whether your some is actually yours. I’ve heard of men who have doubts but carry on as normal and bring kids up that maybe aren’t theirs and that’s lovely of them but it’s a big thing. You’re not coping with this after all this time, so you should probably get a test done. The ancestry thing does show up relatives if they’ve already had one done. But it might be best to get a proper one done, it’ll be a difficult conversation but you can explain that you feel paranoid about this to them and what a stress it’s been. You probably won’t know what you’re going to do or how you’ll feel until you have some answers, but the way you are now it probably won’t be any worse then not knowing.

This is the case

@JoBrandsCleaner - Id ignore the bit about blood groups someone said, families can have all different ones, I had to have injections after having my kids to stop me making antibodies as our blood groups
were so different.

That's literally because your blood group is negative and your husband is positive, and your baby is positive - it stops the baby getting rhesus disease. The injection stops you producing harmful antibodies that will harm your baby. See www.nhs.uk/conditions/rhesus-disease/prevention/#:~:text=If%20you're%20RhD%20negative,your%20bloodstream%20during%20the%20delivery.

That's science.

And families can't have 'all different types of blood groups'. You inherit genes from your parents that determine your blood group. It's not a lottery.

@JoBrandsCleaner having those injections for the rhesus issue has no effect at all on you blood group of A, B, O or AB.

Doing the DNA test can be done by using a thread if his hair (if Netflix is to be believed )

but the bigger issues is how to put 20 years of pain and anguish to bed

This is a terribly long time to be holding this pain and doubt

even if the test is negative will this take the pain away ?
and If it’s positive , what then ? Have you a plan

agree that you should talk this through with someone

I'm sure it could be done but it's also illegal:

Regardless of who is instructing the paternity test, written authority is needed from any adult whose samples are provided for DNA testing, and it is a criminal offence to take such a sample without consent.

Thank you for your reply. I did have a sleepless night after some of the comments made yesterday. If you were on the edge some of them could push you over.

Anyway there does appear to have been mid-representation of me as a person and some of my comments have been deliberately twisted. Apart from the horrendous first 6 months where I was met with silence, differing stories and numerous fibs, for 99.9% of the last 25 years I have not questioned my wife at all or made any snide remarks. I’ve just bottled it up and like a dormant volcano and twice the pressure made it spurt out. Yes my depression and suicidal thoughts were awful not just for me but also my OH. And yes I went to see NHS specialists both times. My daughter did witness me one day in a flood of tears but that was it. I didn’t want my son or daughter to see me in a mess. I had watched as a young child my father crawling along the floor groaning in his underpants with severe depression. My parents were from broken marriages and my Mum had to put up with a lot but still married over 60 years on.

Its true one of the issues was trying to recover from this and then being told something new and very important (after denying it at the beginning) 20 years later. It opened up old wounds and was the cause of my 2nd breakdown. We had just come back from a lovely holiday too.

When someone close is murdered or killed in an accident the close relatives often want to know the details. It doesn’t bring that person back but it helps explain things so you can try and move on. Yes I’m a very inquisitive person in my work and life but in whatever happened I feel as though I was never allowed to get past 1st base.

I’m thankful for some of the PMs I’ve received. Some of the responses appear to lack any humanity or compassion. Probably be accused of being a selfish narcissist for saying that too! Anyway I chose to open my soul on an Internet forum so I fully deserve what I get.

Will probably close my account later today for my own sanity, what remains of it.

I have seen the effects of bottling it up with my mother and it wasn’t pretty at all. Over time small things become bigger and bigger and bigger and I think that is what has happened here.

what would make you happy OP. What would be a good outcome for you. Because I think if you can letting it go is the best thing to do

Sorry haven't read the thread.

To answer your question in the title - yes, you are this young man's father - you raised him, he sees you as his father and he is now a young man. I can understand why you would want to know about his genetic parentage but just think about the impact on him at this stage, someone who is blameless here.

Focus back on your relationship with your wife and how you feel about that now. You've put up with stonewalling, lying and general dismissiveness about your feelings around here infidelity for most of a lifetime. That has clearly damaged you and continues to damage you. Her claims that it wasn't sexual are likely to be untrue. I had such claims made to me at first when I found out about my ex's affair - he was just lying to try and minimise the potential impact. So do you want to remain in a relationship with this woman now or not? You have adult children who won't be as impacted by a separation now, you have more freedom to make a choice that works for you.

Thank you Quartz. What would have helped me at the very beginning was some form of full confession and honesty. Saying you love someone and are sorry doesn’t completely fix a marriage. It requires trust which is easily broken but a devil to repair. Anyway 40 years in I’m not going to walk away now and I don’t think my OH will.

As for the paternity of our son. I will probably let sleeping dogs lie. I will die never knowing. Yes he is the biggest victim in all this even though he doesn’t know. His fate was sealed before he was even born.

You get one go at life and I screwed mine up.

What would have helped me at the very beginning was some form of full confession

And if she didn't do it, and your child is biologically yours? You would have wanted a false confession? And then what? You'd have left her? Or used it as a different stick to beat her with for twenty years? Or found another completely different one no doubt.

The outcome is the same, can't you see? You're solidly in control of this and have been all along yet you refuse to see it because it's easier to wring your hands and blame your shitty life on her. It's unfair, you've screwed your life up? You've likely made her as miserable as you've made yourself, which is the greatest shame.

I would try to reframe this - your son is a victim of what? Potentially not knowing his Dad is as you call him a chancer. Why? He has had a stable upbringing with two parents who love him, that is the gold standard. Yes he had to cope with your breakdowns but so do many (myself included) and I never saw myself as a victim of my mothers breakdown at all.

screwed up in life - well don’t we all to some extent. Letting this one thing ruin everything else is the problem. Accepting there is no outcome actually from this that would make you happy and I think that includes the truth is the only way forward.

you have said multiple times you are going to leave abd holding onto it is only harming yourself. In every way that matters he is your son. You haven’t lied to him

Nice message. Enjoy the rest your day.

This.

There's been so much going over and over the past in your posts.

Please think about what you want your future to look and more importantly feel like.

I've been trying to work out your age from your timeline.
"You get one life and I've screwed mine up" is only true if you are unable or unwilling to focus on the life you have in front of you and keep looking backwards.

You say what would've helped in the beginning. That ship has sailed.

What would help you now? There is no point in saying things could've been different. It is what it is.

What do you want now?

Thank you. Let’s say I’m living in the 7th decade of my life and I’m not 70!

You get one go at life and I screwed mine up.

Thats your depression talking.

Eg You’ve said yourself. You’ve raised two children. They’ve been loved and well looked after. That’s not screwing your life.

Seriously, ive been there albeit for a very different reason. You’re not seeing things as clearly as you think.
Plus you still have the opportunity to change things. You still have agency. If you think some stuff isn’t right, do something about it.

It’s a good question. I will plod on with life as I have done always wondering what might (or might not) have happened and staring at family photos on the wall still wondering. I do wish many days away but I will always support my OH and children both emotionally (if she lets me) and financially. They are all I have.

You can tell I’m seriously sad and unhappy at times as I can only talk for myself. If only you could step back in time.

And yes, even if you are in your late 60s!!

At some point you have to take responsibility for your own life and happiness. It's ridiculous to have got to this age without that.

As an aside has anyone heard of PISD? Does it actually exist?