Partner asking me to 'cover up'

[Hurryupchristmas]

I abolutely adore my boyfriend, he is wonderful and treats me so well.

However he can be quite jealous/paranoid in certain situations.
One of which is when I go out with friends he's asked me to wear tops that completely cover my breasts, so no cleavage shows.
I have large boobs and yes they can attract attention from men on nights out, however it's not something I can control nor would I act on now I'm in a relationship.

He is quite adamant I'm not to wear certain tops and wants to see what I'm wearing before I go out. I understand his concerns about men looking at my chest, but feel a bit miffed I can't wear what I want. I dress pretty conservatively but a lot of my tops show the size of my boobs and I can't help that.

I don't know who is in the right to be honest, he says its like him going out showing off his crotch area but I don't think it's a similar comparison 🤔

I don't want to make him annoyed and feel uneasy when I'm out, but at the same time I want to dress up and look nice when I go out with friends. Am I being unreasonable?

@Nicole1111 It's very true, I could highlight almost all of that behaviour with my ex husband. It ramps up over the years but started with clothing.

I was in a relationship like that when I was 16. First it was make up, then it was clothes, progressing to having to look away from any men (including old men) in case I was looking at them because I fancied them, men couldn’t look at me, I’d get blamed for that, and he ended up being physically abusive as each thing I foolishly agreed to didn’t make him feel better.

I’m now married to someone who leaves how I look totally up to me, and who isn’t jealous at all, who trusts me totally and we’ve had a long good marriage.

This will escalate and you will barely know yourself by the end of it. Took me years to be me again.

Open your eyes. This is controlling manipulative coercive behaviour. It is abuse , they all seem nice and caring till they start with this crap. Get out now.

Is he religious in any way?

There are different types of abuse.

This is controlling behaviour and is a huge red flag. It is not going to get better.

He really isn’t wonderful. This is really concerning behaviour and a massive red flag. Get out asap.

Well done you, OP, for standing up for yourself.

Just remind yourself he was attracted to a vibrant and vivacious young woman, you, a vibrant and confident woman who dressed for herself and no one else. You owe it to yourself and to all who love you to stay that confident young woman.

And if he doesn't like it there's plenty who will. Men will always look at boobs but it's confidence that wins their hearts. Make sure that the man who wins yours deserves it!

This is an interesting read:

https://amp.theguardian.com/society/2020/mar/08/patriarchy-and-power-how-gender-inequality-underpins-abusive-behaviour

”This abuse can also be incredibly hard for the victim to detect, because it happens slowly, bit by bit. It’s the total mental dislocation of coercive control – which Amnesty International has classified as torture – that is the hardest thing to recover from.”

The test is to carry on wearing what you want and see how he behaves. You have a right to dress in clothes of your own choosing and he has no right to dictate otherwise.

He may not like how some men will behave but he has to fully trust you to rebuff them.

If he kicks off or gives you the silent treatment, or any other unacceptable response then you know he's not the one for you.

Red flags 🚩

This is not good in a relationship.

If he doesn't like exactly how you are now, then he's not meant to be with you because he doesn't like you in reality - he likes you if you were someone different.

I said suggests. And she has said she's googled coercive control and it's opened her eyes. So I take that as her speaking for herself just fine.

As for levels of red flags, you do what you want but in some cases one is more than enough. For example if a man treats another woman in his life appallingly, I'll be off thanks, no matter how nice he's being to me a few months in. I wish I'd had people telling me about red flags when my ex bf had been acting jealous because he loved me so much, and then it lead onto him "suggesting" I don't wear things or see people or drink something or somewhere or do things. And then it lead onto physically moving me to where he wanted me to be. And then grabbing me and dragging me along when I didn't immediately follow him. I won't carry on.

That first red flag should have been enough to send me running. But you ignore as many as you see fit.

So glad you posted and have realised his behaviour is not ok! At least now you can push back and be on the alert for other red flag behaviour. (Or even better get him in the bin 😂) Just always try and imagine what you’d say to a friend who was being told that by her boyfriend and apply it to yourself. Even better, tell a friend and see what they say!

Abuse is not black and white. It comes in many shades of grey and over time those shades become darker. If a man feels entitled to dictate how you dress then it is a major red flag. He thinks he has a right to control you and it will only get worse, especially if you comply. Tell him you'll dress how you see fit and he can either accept that or fuck off to the other side of fuck.

The fact that he thinks this is acceptable is deeply worrying and I'd be running. We are all different though and it doesn't mean you're wrong to try to work it out with him.

You've said you're feisty. I really don't think you need to be feisty but you need to be abundantly clear. Also what are you putting your foot down about? IMO it's not whether your revealinf tops are acceptable, it's that him thinking he has any say in how you dress is 💯 delusional and if he doesn't under that effective immediately you'll be gone. And follow through.

fuck off to the other side of fuck

This is going to be my new response to everything!

I think enough people have mentioned the red flags so I won’t repeat but… with this being a fairly new relationship and there being an inkling of coercion/control, please consider a Claire’s law application.

and wants to see what I'm wearing before I go out

Errm...no?

Let me guess - if you denied him, that there would be consequences in the form of sulking, silence or an argument?

You don't have to label him as 'abusive' but it's concerning he thinks he should have a say over the way you dress. It's really not good.

He knew what you looked and dressed like before he got with you, didn't he? I presume he wasn't blind??! The main difference now is that he doesn't like other men looking at you the same way and I wonder what the end point of that will be. I read somewhere that jealousy is one of the main warning flags of men who are likely to turn really nasty in future. Be careful.

Who cares? Religion is ok when it is used to set the individual's personal moral compass. Unfortunately, too many people think their religion gives them the right to dictate how everyone else's moral compass should be calibrated.

Nope. The red flag is flying high. Get out while you can.

His other behaviour is irrelevant as it’s a down hill slope from here.

I agree. It's not always simple.

Many people with 'problematic' characteristics lets say may have endearing qualities. They might have a contradictory or confusing set of personality traits (which is why they're often described as Jekyll & Hyde). Intimate relationships also don't always bring out the best in everyone.

I'd ask yourself, what would he have to do for me to be really worried? What would he have to do for me to leave?

I want to dress up and look nice

That's understandable - but do you only associate looking nice with
emphasising the size of your boobs?

Sorry, but you really need to face up to this. First step. Tell him you'll wear what you want & if men look at you thats up to them. See what his reaction is.

@WalkingThroughTreacle Religion is often used to control a womens clothing.
head scarf, burka, covering up skin, no wearing swim wear.

He's not abusive YET.