Partner asking me to 'cover up'

[Hurryupchristmas]

I abolutely adore my boyfriend, he is wonderful and treats me so well.

However he can be quite jealous/paranoid in certain situations.
One of which is when I go out with friends he's asked me to wear tops that completely cover my breasts, so no cleavage shows.
I have large boobs and yes they can attract attention from men on nights out, however it's not something I can control nor would I act on now I'm in a relationship.

He is quite adamant I'm not to wear certain tops and wants to see what I'm wearing before I go out. I understand his concerns about men looking at my chest, but feel a bit miffed I can't wear what I want. I dress pretty conservatively but a lot of my tops show the size of my boobs and I can't help that.

I don't know who is in the right to be honest, he says its like him going out showing off his crotch area but I don't think it's a similar comparison 🤔

I don't want to make him annoyed and feel uneasy when I'm out, but at the same time I want to dress up and look nice when I go out with friends. Am I being unreasonable?

@HalloumiGeller Sorry did accidentally and couldn't remove the tag so just edited my post to add the tag of the poster I meant to add and that I agreed with you!

Given the op said this -

"He is quite adamant I'm not to wear certain tops and wants to see what I'm wearing before I go out."

Let me highlight that a bit

He is quite adamant I'm not to wear certain tops and wants to see what I'm wearing before I go out.

Any poster who comes on trying to defend him or excuse him or suggest it's sweet or he's genuinely concerned or she gives him a chance and they ought to sit down and have a cosy little chat about it etc should be fucking ashamed of themselves.

It's sad that you don't realise how controlling and dangerous it is for a man to tell you what you can and can't wear and to send him evidence (photo of your outfit) that you haven't disobeyed him.

I think our culture romanticises man dominance, we are told procession and jealousy means they care and they want to protect us. It's all bullshit. They just want to bully & control & belittle.

If he fell for you, as you are, dressing his you dress then why would he want or need you to be different now you are in a relationship with him? Is he your boss now?

Darling OP you are so sweet and so smart. It is a great thing that you posted here so early on, so you did listen to your instincts, good for you. You see it took me over a decade to realize that something was wrong with my relationship and over two to actually leave. Just this morning I woke up early and I started thinking about it all again. I still do not understand how he did it, it was that subtle. I just know that he did, he messed with my brain, he changed me, broke me, to the point that I have lost myself completely. Even now when I am free of him, I am not myself, I keep reaching inside, trying to remember, and I know that there is a woman there who used to be feisty and strong and bold but I cannot find her, as if she is lost forever. (I hope not)

My ex, never yelled, screamed, called me names or hit me, and I think that was the problem, I could not even complain about it, he was so… quiet and calm, so elusive. All this happens because we refuse to listen to our instincts. I know for sure that over the years, from the very beginning, things were happening that I did not like, but I just let it happen, over and over. Little things, little indescribable things that were making me uncomfortable. I know that you think, oh it is just this one thing, why not, he is a man I love, it’s a small sacrifice, but that is how it starts. It may in fact be little things forever, one after another, until you cannot recognize yourself anymore. Death by a thousand cuts.

I wish you find an amazing, loving and caring partner OP. ❤️

100% this.

I don’t understand what anyone gets out of encouraging a woman to stay with a man who displays red flag behaviour?

Why do you do it?

The only person is benefits is the sub-standard man.

There are - literally - zillions of fish the sea. Why should she stick with this deficient specimen? Especially when the relationship is so new?

Any woman with a half decent ‘shark cage’ (google shark cage theory, if this is unfamiliar) would toss this man back. They probably wouldn’t even give him the time of day in the first place.

Anyone urging the OP to work through this, or give him a chance, is clearly grappling with boundary issues when it comes to sub-standard men, and does not have any credibility.

Their opinion must be roundly dismissed.

Does he treat you particularly well when you do what he wants? It's how he treats you when you disagree with him that counts.

So women need to abide by the standards he sets for them do they? Who put him in charge?

You have no idea how sorry I am that you are married to such an arsehole.

Your husband is very welcome to cover his own tits up if he feels the need to do so.
Not sure what his opinion has to do with how the OP or any other person dresses.

And what's his opinion on a woman who dares to show some cleavage?

I bet his opinion is gross and misogynistic 😷

Op's boyfriend is allowed to express he does not like his partner to show cleavage. It's not controlling imo as finances are not entangled, no kids, she is free to leave. Some men don't like to be with a woman who likes cleavage, he's free to express that to the OP.

Op is allowed to leave her boyfriend if she finds this too stifling. If she wants to stay with him, and her showing cleavage makes him uncomfortable, she should stop showing cleavage. If she wants to keep showing cleavage, she should leave him and find someone who doesn't mind.

No need to start linking domestic abuse advice pages, she's free to go, he's free to have an opinion.

@mintyfresh01 It's still controlling to tell someone what they can and can't wear regardless of whether finances or kids are involved. He's telling her what to do and it's likely to just be the start of a controlling abusive pattern if she agrees to this nonsense

@Shoxfordian I disagree, what other way is there to voice that you're not okay with your partner showing cleavage? Is he just not meant to say it ever, and be uncomfortable? I'm not okay with my partner viewing porn, does that make me controlling? Where is the line between declaring your boundaries and abusive controlling behaviour?

There's every need because people are showing how this is considered controlling behaviour and how it can escalate.

If you read the OP properly you would see that she said this was just one example of him being jealous and paranoid.

And it's just ignorance to suggest that it's not controlling because their finances are not entangled and they have no kids and she's free to leave, have you never heard of the widely discussed notion of red flags? If a man exhibits this kind of behaviour when she's 'free to leave' then it often escalates once she's pregnant/has kids or is financially reliant on him or financially tied to him.

He has not just 'expressed' to the OP that he doesn't want to show cleavage, he is trying to enforce it as a rule and checks to see what she's wearing to make sure he's ok with it.

Honestly this is how it started with me. I had certain outfits I was no longer allowed to wear. I went shopping for a new dress and he 'kept me company' I was told what I could and couldn't buy.

It escalated into why did I want to go out on nights out anyway, did I want men trying it on? Every night out involved a massive row before I went and lots of sulking/accusations for days after. I was once late home (he gave me a curfew) and he locked me out for two hours. So I stopped going out. I told my self I'd out grown it anyway.

After we had moved in it became physically abusive and got worse once I was pregnant. It took ten years for me to leave.

I'd tell him that telling you what to wear is not acceptable and needs to stop he will likely have one of three reactions-

Get angry and tell you, you are not going out dressed like that. -end it, this will not stop.

Make you feel guilty for wanting to do this when you know it upsets him - end it it's another form of control.

Apologise and acknowledge he is wrong to put his insecurities on you- accept his apology but be mindful of the control cropping up in another way. Also if he genuinely does have some insecurities suggest counselling for esteem.

Other things to look for are signs of temper (even if not direct) , putting you down (joking or not). Derogatory talk about women/exs. Wanting to know your every move, making other plans for you so you don't go out with friends, not liking your friends/family. Phoning to check where you are a lot. Anything that gives you an uncomfortable feeling, don't quash it down. Tell your friends /family to gauge their reactions. If you feel like you can't tell your friends or family that is another red flag.

I think it's very different if she is entwined with him financially and with children, as it is now she can keep an eye on this one red flag she has mentioned, and decide where to go from there. If she was truly entwined with this man and he was putting this down as a hard limit, she wouldn't be free to just leave. I just don't see where boundaries start being control. If I was a man I don't think I'd be too happy about my partner showing off a secondary sex characteristic presumably with alcohol involved in a setting where men go to get a shag.

He hasn't just voiced that he's not ok with it, he's trying to enforce it as a rule.

It's fine to say you're not ok with porn, it would be controlling if you were putting some parental control on the internet to try to stop him from watching it or taking his phone etc

Where is the line between declaring your boundaries and abusive controlling behaviour?

Your boundaries are up to YOU to enforce and stick to, not the other person. If you have a boundary about your partner watching porn and they watch porn then you leave, you don't keep trying to make them stick to your boundary which you're not sticking to yourself.

Likewise if he has a boundary that his girlfriend shouldn't wear tops that shows her cleavage then he should find a woman who doesn't show her cleavage, that would be him sticking to his boundaries.
Finding a girlfriend who wears tops which show her cleavage and then checking what she's wearing every day is abusive and controlling behaviour.

@kkloo I disagree, I have boundaries in what I will accept in a partner and I would 100% put them to him and ask him to change to give him a chance to stay with me. I don't see where the OP wrote that he checks what she wears every day unless it was in one of her replies, I took that as what she wears before she goes on nights out. For a man I cared about who otherwise treated me well I would not show cleavage, then again I find going on nights out separately when you're in a relationship a bit tasteless so I don't think we will find any common ground.

It doesn't matter if you think it's different, this is how it starts.

She mentioned one example but she said that he can be jealous and paranoid in other situations too.

You're trying to make out it isn't even a red flag at all.

A boundary starts to be control when you find someone who doesn't fit what you want and you try to force them to be what you want. If he doesn't want a girlfriend who shows her cleavage then he shouldn't have got a girlfriend who shows hers and then try to force her to cover up.

Why? What would you be worried about exactly? That men would look at your partners tits? That your partner would be so flattered by the men looking at her tits that she'd jump into bed with him? Maybe she'd have an orgy....

@kkloo I've been in a relationship when younger where a man didn't even want me to wear leggings with a jumper covering my bum, and that absolutely did evolve into something else. I've also been in relationships where a man does not feel comfortable with me wearing very short dresses in the summer, I talked to him about it and expressed how much I like wearing them and that it would make me very upset to stop wearing them, and he stopped there and hasn't mentioned it for three years. I don't think it always evolves. It's something to keep an eye on but I find some of the responses in this thread very extreme.

Edited to add to your last response, the reason I wouldn't feel comfortable with my hypothetical girlfriend if I was a man exposing cleavage is I find it an intimate area, it's undeniable that it has sexual connotations even if the purpose of them is feeding a child. I find it a bit crass to show off in a night out setting when you're in a relationship, I don't think I'd mind a lazy vest top with cleavage though.

Yea one time maybe.
"This is my boundary" and then they have a chance to stay with you or not.

But going over the same thing over and over and talking about boundaries would be you not sticking to your own boundaries, and your 'boundaries' aren't worth shit because you're not sticking to them yourself.

Every day/ on a night out....doesn't make much difference to me. Again, as people have said, that's how it starts, first it could be nights out, then it might be at the gym, then it might be because he's paranoid about someone she works with.

It literally doesn't matter if you would or wouldn't show cleavage just because you liked a man, the OP doesn't want to cover up. I have some friends with big boobs and they always show cleavage, some of them don't even want to but they feel very frumpy and top heavy in their clothes when their boobs are covered up so they feel they just look better and are more comfortable in themselves when they show some cleavage, it's not even about looking sexy. And if it was then who cares?

I'm sure it will be just a matter of time before the OPs boyfriend also expresses that he doesn't think she should be going on nights out, it's only 9 months in, maybe at the year mark he'll be telling her it's disrespectful and tasteless!!

Well she's already said she's going to see what he says on Saturday after he sees the boobs out so we'll see if he accepts that and stops his 'checking' or not.

I was a man I'd be happy as long as my hypothetical girlfriend was happy. I wouldn't find it crass at all.

This! I don't think anyone is interested in @SparklyOwls husband's 'standards'.

You said work through it together. She's under no obligation to help him work through these issues by letting him control her.

And now you're saying he is who you meant. So I second the back pedalling.

Say what you mean and stand by it, or don't post nonsense.

Can you explain why its tastless to go for a night out with your friends, just because you have a boyfriend?

I don't actually enjoy a night out but sometimes I go with my girls because it's what they want to do. I'm not going to take DH with me on a girls night out. Mostly because then we'd need a babysitter but also because he's not part of my friendship group. They don't want him there, because the partners change the dynamic.

People are allowed to have friends AND partners. And they can be separate.

"If I was a man I don't think I'd be too happy about my partner showing off a secondary sex characteristic..."

So you you don't approve of men having beards then, I presume?