Partner asking me to 'cover up'

[Hurryupchristmas]

I abolutely adore my boyfriend, he is wonderful and treats me so well.

However he can be quite jealous/paranoid in certain situations.
One of which is when I go out with friends he's asked me to wear tops that completely cover my breasts, so no cleavage shows.
I have large boobs and yes they can attract attention from men on nights out, however it's not something I can control nor would I act on now I'm in a relationship.

He is quite adamant I'm not to wear certain tops and wants to see what I'm wearing before I go out. I understand his concerns about men looking at my chest, but feel a bit miffed I can't wear what I want. I dress pretty conservatively but a lot of my tops show the size of my boobs and I can't help that.

I don't know who is in the right to be honest, he says its like him going out showing off his crotch area but I don't think it's a similar comparison 🤔

I don't want to make him annoyed and feel uneasy when I'm out, but at the same time I want to dress up and look nice when I go out with friends. Am I being unreasonable?

If you capitulate to the this.

he will fixate on another thing to control.

cover your boobs and men still give you attention? No bare legs next.

men still giving you attention? No make up.

still giving you attention? No more Hair cut or salon visits or nails or spa treatments or nice clothes or high heels.

That is until you’re living in sweatpants and a manky T-shirt with hair in a ponytail and you’ve not bothered putting any effort in because every time you do he tells you why you can and HE has the audacity to have a mantrum you’ve let yourself go whilst lining up the next girlfriend.

honestly, get rid.

There's good news in all of this. And that is that cycles of abusive behaviour conform to a strictly limited pattern. It's as though these men have a textbook to which only they have access, and are reenacting a process which in reality varies very little. Hence the love bombing cycle (IDD) ie intense idealization, devalue, discard, or a variation between love bombing and negging, often with gaslighting (making you question your own reality). We all think we'll be safe, because 'I'm far too strong to let anyone do this to me!' But we do, because the way it works is insidious. Check out the analogy of the boiling frog.

So where the hell's the good news? It's that once you've experienced these scenarios, have read around them and become familiar with the patterns: the way they start, the way they escalate and what the triggers are, then knowledge is power. In future, you can see these fuckers coming from a mile away. Once you know their methods you will never taken in by them again. It's a liberating position to be in.

Also very refreshing that for once in a way the Trad Wives are strictly in a minority on this thread. Up Mumsnet!

Then I really don’t understand the relevance of the point you were making, to this thread.

What your husband’s ‘standards’ have got to do with a single woman alive, or dead, I do not know.

Ar least you have taken him off the market, so that no-one else has to deal with him, I guess….

Slightly going against the grain here. I know my father in law doesn’t like mil wearing outfits showing cleavage. He’s definitely not controlling in other ways, she actually has him under her thumb. So I don’t think it’s 100% a red flag

Saying that, I would HATE my husband commenting on my outfits like that or acting jealous. I think (like people say) his response now to you resisting will determine the future. If he sees sense he might well be a great guy! But definitely raise it, have you ever told him it feels controlling? What is his response?

@SparklyOwls of course it is abusive no one has the right to tell anyone else how to dress - I am sorry but your quote of ‘your husband knows what standards women should have to respectfully dress themselves ’ is just awful!! he is just as much of a dick as OP BF is!!!

Sorry, but it just IS 100% a red flag.

What a woman wears has got nothing to do with anyone, except the woman wearing the clothes.

It really is as simple as that.

I love these posts they always start off with he's so wonderful lol.

Sorry op how long have you been together?

This is already putting you in a difficult position and making you feel uncomfortable.
So if you ignore his requests what do you think it will be like?

So he doesn't like it but what does that mean? Does she cover up so that there won't be an argument?

@MrsDanversGlidesAgain
Agree!
And if op does do as he wishes, then next it will be something else.

Honestly OP, it's textbook abuse. I've been there and it's hard to acknowledge but it is abuse.

If your husband is policing what you wear, in order to pass his standards for respectability, he's a controlling twat.

What does he do if you refuse to obey?

But he already is, by asking you not to wear certain tops.

You're being treated like a possession. It sounds like he hides it well, but this is misogynist behaviour.

It doesn’t get better - mine was subtle.

That’s a nice lipstick
Next day I wasn’t wearing it- oh are you not wearing your nice lipstick - nope
Next day - have you stopped wearing it because I said I liked it (and doing it to be independent?) ? And so on - drip drip drip

Your husband has asked for the final say on what you wear? And you're happy to give him that?

What would you tell your daughter if a boyfriend wanted the same? That she should adhere to that request?

Good grief.

@Foodfoodfoodfood

So I don’t think it’s 100% a red flag

Requesting the final say on another adults outfit isn't 100% a red flag? Really?

As I just asked another poster, what would you tell your daughter if a boyfriend wanted the same? That she should adhere to that request?

He’s a wrongun. Get rid.

If you have to start with ‘he is wonderful BUT…’, the bit that follows really matters.

Rarely does ‘but he’s very possessive and uses this to control me in some way’ lead to a positive outcome.

Well, beyond you seeing the waving red flags and ending the relationship. That IS generally the only possible positive outcome of this shit.

🚩🚩🚩 alert!! He is controlling. You wear what makes YOU feel good.

You’re only young once.

Why on god’s earth are you letting him control you like that.

Chuck this insecure loser back.

Stop dressing how he wants you to and dress how you want to. If he's the nice man you say he is he will be fine with it.

I've read OPs replies and she seems to be receptive, but telling him she's going to wear what she wants and see how he reacts is not going to help.

As others have said, a decent man who you have a truly great relationship with would never dream of telling you these sort of things about what you wear. That's your cue to leave now, before he gets his hooks in you further.

OP - you need to dump him now, I can't stress this enough. He's showing a subtle indication that he has the potential to be very damaging to her mental health at best, and at worst, dangerous and could kill you.

@HalloumiGeller Agree with you.

@Didimum Why take the risk? The boyfriend can do the work of unpicking his harmful thoughts alone when OP has got rid of him. It's not for her to deal with.

Or he won't, because he's clearly an abusive cunt. Point is, it's not a risk I would take or encourage anyone to take either. 9 months in he should still be on his best behaviour, that he's showing these tendencies this early is a seriously bad sign.

Eh? I haven't defended the BF at all, I think you have tagged the wrong person!