Partner asking me to 'cover up'

[Hurryupchristmas]

I abolutely adore my boyfriend, he is wonderful and treats me so well.

However he can be quite jealous/paranoid in certain situations.
One of which is when I go out with friends he's asked me to wear tops that completely cover my breasts, so no cleavage shows.
I have large boobs and yes they can attract attention from men on nights out, however it's not something I can control nor would I act on now I'm in a relationship.

He is quite adamant I'm not to wear certain tops and wants to see what I'm wearing before I go out. I understand his concerns about men looking at my chest, but feel a bit miffed I can't wear what I want. I dress pretty conservatively but a lot of my tops show the size of my boobs and I can't help that.

I don't know who is in the right to be honest, he says its like him going out showing off his crotch area but I don't think it's a similar comparison 🤔

I don't want to make him annoyed and feel uneasy when I'm out, but at the same time I want to dress up and look nice when I go out with friends. Am I being unreasonable?

@Didimum You should just leave this chat, you have given terrible advice to a women who 98% of poster agree is being abused. No amount back peddling will save you.

Nearly 25 years and 4 children with one of those. Despite the fact I was approaching 50, well overweight and a ludicrously conservative dresser (although I, too, had one of those non-concealable frontages) by the time I'd had enough, he never did "learn" to trust me (in quotes because I actually believe now that he knew fine well I wasn't going to cheat on him). He would also feed me fatty foods, throw a horrible wobbly when I went on a diet or took up an exercise class, and then comment that he was "adverse [sic] to fat people". I said how come if I was so fat and disgusting he was worried about other men? His response: "some people are peculiar". Flattering 🙄

Divorced for 16 years now, for a mercy.

However he can be quite jealous/paranoid in certain situations.
One of which is when...

You've recognised from PP responses that this one is a red flag. I'm curious what other situations he can be jealous/paranoid in @Hurryupchristmas ?

Isn’t controlling behaviour a form of abuse?

Caring for you - in a patriarchal, possessive and controlling manner.

Sorry but this isn’t a recipe for future happiness - indeed posting here indicates that you have your own doubts.

Other men are available.

I’m not backpedaling, and I will leave the chat when I wish to. Thanks.

You really need to put your foot down about this. You say he’s lovely but this is not on. He doesn’t tell you how to dress. That’s it. He needs to buck up about this.

Good update OP. The way he behaves in response to this - not merely his initial reaction but the aftermath, and whether he gradually reverts to type - will give you your answer. Keep a close watch on this because I'd be surprised if it stops here. The PP who advised you that men like this begin by gradually testing boundaries, and almost always escalate, was spot on. It's a recognised pattern which is why so many women on this thread are familiar with it.

He tells you what you can and can't wear, and submits you to humiliating 'inspections' to ensure you pass muster by his standards.

How fucking dare he? Why aren't you furious?

Its been less then a year, You're still in the honeymoon phase why is he so concerned about what you wear?

Where are you getting ‘provocative dressing’ from….?

Who has given any indication that the clothing is ‘provocative’…….?

Even a shirt worn with a suit at work might show some cleavage?

That’s not ‘provocative’…….?

So if you have big boobs (something you can't control) that's something to be ashamed of and you have to try and hide?

I don’t think the OP has indicated she dresses provocatively (and it wouldn’t matter if she did, because she can indeed wear what she wants). Considering an outfit to be provocative/revealing is a personal view, I think. A conservative Christian will have a lower threshold, for example.

This.

Not liking it is fine. But he needs to be told firmly that he needs to trust you as you will be dressing as you always have done on nights out.

If he accepts this - fine. Otherwise you have a big problem - and it’s not you that’s the problem.

I didn't say it originally but I'll explain.

Your point is nonsensical because you basically apologised for a man telling a woman he had to approve her outfits.

You think one red flag is fine and a woman should be willing to "unpick" this and work with the man to make it better.

No one, of any gender, has any right to "approve" what anyone else wears. Whether they've been together 9 months or 9 decades. And no one, of any gender, is obliged to "help" their partner behave in a nice, respectful manner towards them. They can learn that on their own by potential partners running like the wind from their poor behaviour.

Other people manage to figure out how to be good, decent partners without being allowed to control someone first. So can this guy. OP should run from him. And you should support people getting the hell away from situations that make them as uneasy as this has clearly made her. She wouldn't have posted if it hadn't.

You don’t see this behaviour as abusive but I’m afraid it is. You can’t wear what you want because you’re afraid of his reaction so you comply. It’s controlling and as your relationship progresses the control will extend to other things. It’s a huge red flag.

New patio time.

100% this. Get rid OP.

This.
Huge red flag OP.
Run like the wind and don’t look back 🏃‍♀️

What happens when you go on holiday and wear a bikini in public?

I don’t think the woman should unpick it or do the work, I think the man should unpick it and do the work (or whichever gender it is). If they can enlighten themselves, raise their consciousness about these issues and correct their mentality and behaviour, then that’s a good thing, and what you would hope from people in this world. Whether or not you believe people can do this is a personal view, and it can’t necessarily be applied to all behaviours/mentalities. I personally believe that opinion on the meaning of clothing can be changed.

Importantly, I didn’t say anyone has the right to approve what anyone wears. I said they need to adjust their mentality on it so they do not attempt to do that.

I also didn’t post when OP was trying to ‘get away from him’. She hasn’t yet said that, only other posters have. OP can do exactly as she chooses to do.

It’s all well and good saying you’re ‘feisty’ and that you’re going to choose to wear what you want etc, but he is who he is. He has shown you, clear as day, he’s a controlling, abusive arsehole. He won’t change just because you decide to wear a low cut top. If it was as easy and straightforward as ‘just’ not doing as he orders, no one would ever be in an abusive relationship. You may think you’ve won, but he’ll just change tactics.

Oh god.. me too 😂😂😂

I tell my husband what to wear/buy all the time as he has some dreadful taste in clothes and would look like a dick most of the time otherwise or just wear the same work clothes.

The point is, he could and would tell me to F'off if he could be bothered and I would back down. Equally if I asked his opinion and he thought one outfit was better than another, I'd take his view into account.

he's asked me to wear tops that completely cover my breasts, so no cleavage shows. He is quite adamant I'm not to wear certain tops and wants to see what I'm wearing before I go out. I don't want to make him annoyed
yep. Very controlling. And this is at the start if the relationship when you are both on your best behaviour.

Sounds controlling. Unless you have 34D+ knockers and go out wearing a pair of teabags on some string.

When i was 18 i was dating someone who liked big boobs Ive always been big in that area. The first time i went back to his place (this was 33 years ago) he had posters of big boobed women all over his walls, he lived in a shared house. THEN after a few weeks he started making similar comments @Hurryupchristmas and then the real cracker...............he sat me down to ask me if i had ever considered a breast reduction

Trust me It doesnt get better,

Sounds like my husband, it isn't abusive. He just has standards about how women should respectfully dress themselves.