Was I supposed to acknowledge her?

[Fourthtwin]

Help me understand something and please tell me if I'm wrong here. My wife and I are in our early 50s. I'm 54, she's 53. We have been together some 20+ years. We are very active in our church, well at least I am. I'm a deacon and on several different auxiliaries and things so I pretty much stay very busy while service is going on. My wife doesn't really do much but she is on one auxiliary. They usually only meet ever few months or so when something needs to be planned. I'm on the same auxiliary as well.

Again, we've been together some 20 years. We went to bed together Sat night. Woke up together Sun morning. Got dressed together and rode to church together. Even sat together for 2 hours, shoulder to shoulder. Talked from the time we woke up till the time service was over and I had some duties I had to do. I was recently elevated to vice chair of the deacon's board so I now have more on my plate. One thing I do is assist the finance woman with making sure the offering is collected and to make sure she gets to the finance room safely. Me and a few other guys are equipped with radios with earpieces to stay in contact with each other for security reasons and things like that. After service me and the woman were on our way to the finance room and just so happen my wife was coming up the other end of the hallway. Me and this woman were discussing her mother who had just passed a few weeks earlier. My wife and I took a road trip to the funeral for support. Anyway when I / we passed my wife we were still talking so we just kept on going while my wife walked in the opposite direction. Once all my duties were done and the church was secure the wife and I left. We rode home together. But by the time we got home my wife made mention that when she passed me in the hallway I didn't say anything to her. Please correct me if I'm wrong but was I suppose to acknowledge her after sitting next to her for the past 2 hours, rode to church with her, etc? She said she felt some kind of way by me not saying anything to her. Was I supposed to?

It would definitely be strange to walk past your own wife without a non verbal acknowledgement like a smile or a wave (if you were deep in a sensitive conversation). Usually I imagine you would speak to her when you pass by. I would definitely find that very cold.

If you have to ask whether you should smile at your wife as you pass her, I wonder what the hell you are doing acting as a Pastor to other people? What sort of advice or guidance can you offer to anyone?

How odd of you. Not even a wink or a smile?
Sigh

Yes you absolutely should acknowledge her, a smile, eye contact anything. Doesn't have to be big, but to blank her is awful.

I looked at her hence the reason I knew she was coming. I saw her , she saw me but she said that I didn't speak to her in passing. And no, I'm not a pastor by any means. I've seen our pastor walk past his wife, our first lady and they didn't even acknowledge each other maybe because they are secure in their relationship to not have to wink at, smile at, or just simply acknowledge each other every time they see each other.

Did she wink/nod/smile/wave/say anything to you? Works both ways

Now that your wife has told you this simple tiny thing which would cost you nothing to give is something she'd like from you, I don't understand why you wouldn't just do it. You seem very resistant to this just for the sake of it. If you're not even willing to meet your wife's needs in this small way what other things are you not willing to do in your relationship?

I don't feel the need to talk to my husband every time we pass each other. If you've been together all morning and just stepped away, I can't see why you would say anything? You're talking to someone else. Sounds very insecure to me.

Why are you even asking? You're very unlikely to get an answer on here approving of not giving your wife basic acknowledgement or suggesting you should act the same way in the future.

All the bluff & bluster about the church : duties etc is just dressing up inconsiderate, bordering on rude, behaviour.

She is your wife. Of 20yrs. End of story.

Legal, you think like me. We had been together from the time we woke up until the time service was over and I had official work to do. Do most married couples speak to each other in their homes like this too? Every time you pass each other you wink, knod, squeeze their rear end, kiss them on the cheek, etc? I was on an official duty to make sure she got to the finance room safe with the money. It wasn't like we were just standing in the back hallway chewing the fat. Does that not come into play here? The wife is more important that any duties I may have in my position.

My goodness what an awful lot of waffle around a question. Why did we need the detail about ear pieces?!

What a long post about how important you are in the church just to ask a simple question about normal human behaviour.

Was I supposed to? Yes - just a smile or nod would be friendly, free and obviously what your wife who doesn't do much supposed you should do.

Choco,

So no matter what job or duties you have the spouse is always more important, is that what you're saying? If I go to her job would I be wrong to expect her to quit working to chit chat with me and her bosses should just understand? No, I'm not getting paid for my duties at church but that are still duties I have to do. Should I tell the pastor I need to step down from everything because my wife doesn't want to be alone for a minute? Yeah, I'm being a little dramatic here but I just don't understand why I had to even acknowledge her when no more than 15 minutes earlier I was sitting next to her.

That's the second time now you've referred to the wife. Deacon? Well god help us all!

I think you are just trying to wind us up, aren't you?

No you didn’t need to stop and talk to her, or even say anything.
Yes you did need to smile or nod.
No you wouldn’t need to “squeeze her rear end”.

So why did you post this? You aren't willing to accept alternative views so what is the point?

If I see my favourite person in the world walking past me, even if I’m busy I’d cast a friendly look or brief visual acknowledgement in their direction.

Not acknowledging your wife is odd but not nearly as odd as attending a church that needs security and an escorted trip to the vestry to count the collection. The congregation does not sound very Christian.

Do most married couples speak to each other in their homes like this too? Every time you pass each other you wink, knod, squeeze their rear end, kiss them on the cheek, etc?

Yes. Even after 35 years. Yes.

But actually it’s more subtle than that. Through body language and facial expression it is clear to each of us that we are The Most Important Thing to the other. In the scenario you detail, my husband’s eyes would have lit up when he saw me. Even if just for a second. And vice-versa.

This.

Also, how much money are people giving in collections if you need security, earpieces and escorting this woman to the finance room? Are you in one of those loopy, giant US fundamentalist churches where people hand over vast sums every week?

Do most married couples speak to each other in their homes like this too?

Dh and I live and work in the same house as each other (funnily enough). We've been married for 30 years. If one or other of us comes into the room after 15 minutes or so we'd probably say hi or alright or some such mild acknowledgement like you do after 30 years. Oh, did I mention we've been married for 30 years?

A simple and discreet nod of your head would have been suffice.

Why are you asking if you should have acknowledged her but then disagreeing with everyone because it’s a unanimous yes?

Actually, I feel the lack of acknowledgement was a bit rude, tbh. Your wife would have felt dismissed and invisible in that moment, and that you valued the other woman more than your wife.

Also, did you actually refer to your pastor’s wife as ‘our first lady’?

When a husband and wife walk past each other it's normal to smile or acknowledge each other in some way.

In fact, in a setting like a church I'd say it's normal to acknowledge even a stranger that you pass on the stairs. A smile, a "hi" or a nod (not a knod - not sure what a knod is).

The fact you aren't aware of this but are deeply involved in your church is worrying, as it implies that you have very little understanding of normal human behaviour, or think yourself above normal behaviour.

Apologise to your wife. Don't do it again. End of.

Ps try to waffle a bit less and perhaps you'd have more time for your wife.