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Original poster

Was I supposed to acknowledge her?

145 replies

Fourthtwin · 22/01/2024 22:02

Help me understand something and please tell me if I'm wrong here. My wife and I are in our early 50s. I'm 54, she's 53. We have been together some 20+ years. We are very active in our church, well at least I am. I'm a deacon and on several different auxiliaries and things so I pretty much stay very busy while service is going on. My wife doesn't really do much but she is on one auxiliary. They usually only meet ever few months or so when something needs to be planned. I'm on the same auxiliary as well.

Again, we've been together some 20 years. We went to bed together Sat night. Woke up together Sun morning. Got dressed together and rode to church together. Even sat together for 2 hours, shoulder to shoulder. Talked from the time we woke up till the time service was over and I had some duties I had to do. I was recently elevated to vice chair of the deacon's board so I now have more on my plate. One thing I do is assist the finance woman with making sure the offering is collected and to make sure she gets to the finance room safely. Me and a few other guys are equipped with radios with earpieces to stay in contact with each other for security reasons and things like that. After service me and the woman were on our way to the finance room and just so happen my wife was coming up the other end of the hallway. Me and this woman were discussing her mother who had just passed a few weeks earlier. My wife and I took a road trip to the funeral for support. Anyway when I / we passed my wife we were still talking so we just kept on going while my wife walked in the opposite direction. Once all my duties were done and the church was secure the wife and I left. We rode home together. But by the time we got home my wife made mention that when she passed me in the hallway I didn't say anything to her. Please correct me if I'm wrong but was I suppose to acknowledge her after sitting next to her for the past 2 hours, rode to church with her, etc? She said she felt some kind of way by me not saying anything to her. Was I supposed to?

OP posts:
ClimbingHydrangea · 23/01/2024 10:01

ChaseandSky · 23/01/2024 09:54

I'm guessing an evangelical Baptist church with very large congregations, music and sound systems the like of which we have a lot of in London - eg Hillsong style place. A lot of organisation and oodles of money involved which seems to have given you the mistaken notion that you are superior to others, including your wife.

Ultimately Christian values boil down to humility and kindness don't they?

The pomposity of all this has given me a good genuine chuckle this morning reading this thread, so thank you Mumsnet for that! GrinGrinGrin

Given the amount of committees on the go it would have to be fairly large

HollyKnight · 23/01/2024 10:03

Smile and nod at her, or if you have time say "Hey, I'll see you later." Don't just blank the woman. Rude.

reflecting2023 · 23/01/2024 10:03

OP
' blessed are those who are poor in spirit' ie humble.

ChocoChocoLatte · 23/01/2024 10:05

@Lwrenagain have about hurt myself at this one. You win the internet today Grin

Hildebrandthehog · 23/01/2024 10:11

my wife doesn’t really do much

but you are the big cheese op?
🙄🙄 😃

BetteDavisChin · 23/01/2024 10:15

I've got a great idea on how to save you and the other guys loads of time and the church loads of money on fancy earpieces!

Appoint a man to deal with the collection money, instead of a silly woman who needs protecting!

HarrietStyles · 23/01/2024 10:19

Lwrenagain · 23/01/2024 09:59

Ask yourself, wwjd.

Love it 😂

MrTiddlesTheCat · 23/01/2024 11:12

Fourthtwin · 22/01/2024 22:35

Legal, you think like me. We had been together from the time we woke up until the time service was over and I had official work to do. Do most married couples speak to each other in their homes like this too? Every time you pass each other you wink, knod, squeeze their rear end, kiss them on the cheek, etc? I was on an official duty to make sure she got to the finance room safe with the money. It wasn't like we were just standing in the back hallway chewing the fat. Does that not come into play here? The wife is more important that any duties I may have in my position.

It's a church collection tray not the bloody crown jewels. Security escort with radios and earpieces, is everyone in your church a complete dramallama?

And yes, your wife should be more important than any church duties you have.

Caffeinedetox · 23/01/2024 11:36

MrTiddlesTheCat · 23/01/2024 11:12

It's a church collection tray not the bloody crown jewels. Security escort with radios and earpieces, is everyone in your church a complete dramallama?

And yes, your wife should be more important than any church duties you have.

Show quote history

😂

Geraldneedsasecondclassstamp · 23/01/2024 11:40

Lwrenagain · 23/01/2024 09:59

Ask yourself, wwjd.

Might as well just close the thread here. Perfect.

✝️

Haffiana · 23/01/2024 11:47

What a lot of unpleasant and religiously intolerant responses on this thread. Some of them bordering on bigotry.

If a church has decided it needs security then it does. That isn't up to the OP so why rip the piss out of him about it?. Maybe it is in South Africa or some similar high risk area of the world and not in your limited experience, middle-class suburb of Little England.

There is no need to make fun of someone else's religious practices or their personal respect for their pastor in order to make a point a point about a relationship.

Original poster
Fourthtwin · 23/01/2024 11:50

Let me clarify some things here. I did see my wife and she saw me. What else was I supposed to do? We had just been sitting together no more than 15 minutes earlier. Ok, sue me for not doing more. I just find it funny that most people think that someone else should do what they do and if not then they are wrong.

And I also did not know that Mumsnet was not a US site. Yea, I am in the US and here we have very large churches who collect very large amounts of money. No, this is not a cult or situation of brainwashed believers. We love our church and want to support it, Churches have budgets too and still have to function. If a church never collected an offering I assure you that church won't be around long. And to the one person who mentioned it, yes, we do have a QR code for offering collection but not everyone uses it. The majority do but you still have a lot of elderly individuals who still prefer cash or writing a check.

And also in the US there is a big problem with people just walking into church and robbing the offering and shooting and killing people out of hatred so most churches now have resorted to hiring security. It's for the safety of the congregants.

Again, I apologize if most of you feel I should have done more. I never said we didn't make eye contact. No we didn't brush hands, wink at each other, or anything like that but we did make eye contact. Was that not enough or should I done more even though I was doing an official duty at the moment? This woman is in charge of the church finances because she works in finance and has gone through background checks by the church. Someone mentioned that maybe that position needs to be held by a man. Sexist!

I was just doing my job and my wife got all in her feelings because I didn't show her more attention at a time I couldn't. Again, we had just been sitting together 15 minutes earlier.

And yes, churches in the US refer to the pastor's wife as the "first lady." They all do. And our church is located in a "not so safe" part of town. We are looking to relocate to another area but until then we are where we are.

OP posts:
reflecting2023 · 23/01/2024 11:50

Haffiana · 23/01/2024 11:47

What a lot of unpleasant and religiously intolerant responses on this thread. Some of them bordering on bigotry.

If a church has decided it needs security then it does. That isn't up to the OP so why rip the piss out of him about it?. Maybe it is in South Africa or some similar high risk area of the world and not in your limited experience, middle-class suburb of Little England.

There is no need to make fun of someone else's religious practices or their personal respect for their pastor in order to make a point a point about a relationship.

To be fair , posters have mainly ridiculed the OP's self importance based on his church duties. That doesn't seem very Christian

reflecting2023 · 23/01/2024 11:53

Fourthtwin · 23/01/2024 11:50

Let me clarify some things here. I did see my wife and she saw me. What else was I supposed to do? We had just been sitting together no more than 15 minutes earlier. Ok, sue me for not doing more. I just find it funny that most people think that someone else should do what they do and if not then they are wrong.

And I also did not know that Mumsnet was not a US site. Yea, I am in the US and here we have very large churches who collect very large amounts of money. No, this is not a cult or situation of brainwashed believers. We love our church and want to support it, Churches have budgets too and still have to function. If a church never collected an offering I assure you that church won't be around long. And to the one person who mentioned it, yes, we do have a QR code for offering collection but not everyone uses it. The majority do but you still have a lot of elderly individuals who still prefer cash or writing a check.

And also in the US there is a big problem with people just walking into church and robbing the offering and shooting and killing people out of hatred so most churches now have resorted to hiring security. It's for the safety of the congregants.

Again, I apologize if most of you feel I should have done more. I never said we didn't make eye contact. No we didn't brush hands, wink at each other, or anything like that but we did make eye contact. Was that not enough or should I done more even though I was doing an official duty at the moment? This woman is in charge of the church finances because she works in finance and has gone through background checks by the church. Someone mentioned that maybe that position needs to be held by a man. Sexist!

I was just doing my job and my wife got all in her feelings because I didn't show her more attention at a time I couldn't. Again, we had just been sitting together 15 minutes earlier.

And yes, churches in the US refer to the pastor's wife as the "first lady." They all do. And our church is located in a "not so safe" part of town. We are looking to relocate to another area but until then we are where we are.

Edited

I don't know what you really want.
Suggesting the finance woman should be a man was sarcastic.
Talk to your wife!

Geraldneedsasecondclassstamp · 23/01/2024 11:58

@Fourthtwin

I was just doing my job and my wife got all in her feelings because I didn't show her more attention at a time I couldn't

😂

OP Mumsnet is a British site and you come across really ridiculous to British sensibilities.

Calm down about your "duties" in the church and just give your wife a nice big grin when you walk past her. It doesn't have to all be so bloody solemn.

Apologise to her and get over yourself.

HollyKnight · 23/01/2024 11:59

I don't know why you're taking this attitude with people here. Even if you want to dismiss aaall the opinions on this thread, your wife - the person who should matter - clearly had an issue with your lack of acknowledgement. So repeating how you sat with her for hours and how you did this, that and the other doesn't change the fact that she was hurt or annoyed by your actions. Ignore that if you want. That's your choice. But don't go asking other people about it if all you're looking for is someone to say she is wrong.

Geraldneedsasecondclassstamp · 23/01/2024 12:01

HollyKnight · 23/01/2024 11:59

I don't know why you're taking this attitude with people here. Even if you want to dismiss aaall the opinions on this thread, your wife - the person who should matter - clearly had an issue with your lack of acknowledgement. So repeating how you sat with her for hours and how you did this, that and the other doesn't change the fact that she was hurt or annoyed by your actions. Ignore that if you want. That's your choice. But don't go asking other people about it if all you're looking for is someone to say she is wrong.

Edited

Christ, I know. Especially after the opening post:

Help me understand something and please tell me if I'm wrong here.

You're wrong OP. Away and apologise to her ffs. Sounds like you need humbled a wee bit anyway.

ChocoChocoLatte · 23/01/2024 12:05

@Fourthtwin don't apologise to us. We don't care. Do apologise to your wife and send her on here to Mumsnet where she will be welcomed, supported & acknowledged.

We, as a collective group of strangers, would afford her that respect and kindness.

Very best wishes with your religious importance - I cannot bring to write 'christian' as I've yet to see any evidence of that behaviour.

owlsinthedaylight · 23/01/2024 12:13

@Fourthtwin Why did you start the thread? Genuine question.

You asked if you were in the wrong. Everyone, literally everyone, has said yes you were wrong. You then went on the defensive with more info about how important you are and more info on the church.

You realise you could actually get some real insights here as to how your wife might be feeling. Is that not why you started the thread? If not, why did you start it? What are you hoping to get out of it?

C152 · 23/01/2024 12:13

After reading all your posts, I'm feeling a bit sorry for your wife. Yes, in a public setting, I would have discretely nodded an acknowledgement to my partner. But it really doesn't matter what other people would do, or even that the simple fact is you and your wife approached the same situation differently. The crux of the matter is that you seem adamant that you're in the right and your wife is somehow wrong. Being generous, neither of you are right or wrong. However, your wife mentioned you did something that bothered her. Acknowledge that. Say you're sorry, and acknolwedge her next time.

OrlandointheWilderness · 23/01/2024 12:31

Yes you were wrong. Almost every answer has said that, but I get the feeling you came here for validation, not an actual interest in people's opinions.
Your reaction is telling.

DearieMeWhatsUp · 23/01/2024 12:31

I would imagine if it was my husband escorting a lady, despite being on high alert in case of needing to throw himself in front of a bullet for her, he would still smile and say 'hi love' as he strutted past me.

Lokipokey1 · 23/01/2024 12:34

I sense the sin of Pride in your constant talk of deaconship and duties. Maybe you should pray on your sins and step down for a while to focus on humility. Remember the meek will inherit the Earth, not those with the most church duties!

Haffdonga · 23/01/2024 13:37

Wow, well credit to you for coming back @Fourthtwin and explaining your position more clearly. But in spite of telling us even more about your Very Important Role in your Very Big Church you have somehow totally missed the point that everyone is making.

The point being that your poor unimportant wife is NOT WRONG to have feelings about this. You see it's quite possible even for a Very Important Man to walk, talk, escort a bag full of cash and nod at his wife all at the same time!!!

It's the sort of thing that good, kind people do naturally - women, men and even very important Deacons. All other people can do it too if they make an effort. Being self important is simply not a reason to behave like an arse.

janeintheframe · 23/01/2024 13:39

Fourthtwin · 23/01/2024 11:50

Let me clarify some things here. I did see my wife and she saw me. What else was I supposed to do? We had just been sitting together no more than 15 minutes earlier. Ok, sue me for not doing more. I just find it funny that most people think that someone else should do what they do and if not then they are wrong.

And I also did not know that Mumsnet was not a US site. Yea, I am in the US and here we have very large churches who collect very large amounts of money. No, this is not a cult or situation of brainwashed believers. We love our church and want to support it, Churches have budgets too and still have to function. If a church never collected an offering I assure you that church won't be around long. And to the one person who mentioned it, yes, we do have a QR code for offering collection but not everyone uses it. The majority do but you still have a lot of elderly individuals who still prefer cash or writing a check.

And also in the US there is a big problem with people just walking into church and robbing the offering and shooting and killing people out of hatred so most churches now have resorted to hiring security. It's for the safety of the congregants.

Again, I apologize if most of you feel I should have done more. I never said we didn't make eye contact. No we didn't brush hands, wink at each other, or anything like that but we did make eye contact. Was that not enough or should I done more even though I was doing an official duty at the moment? This woman is in charge of the church finances because she works in finance and has gone through background checks by the church. Someone mentioned that maybe that position needs to be held by a man. Sexist!

I was just doing my job and my wife got all in her feelings because I didn't show her more attention at a time I couldn't. Again, we had just been sitting together 15 minutes earlier.

And yes, churches in the US refer to the pastor's wife as the "first lady." They all do. And our church is located in a "not so safe" part of town. We are looking to relocate to another area but until then we are where we are.

Edited

Well,that’s full of compassion, empathy and understanding..not remotely angry and we don’t want to serve the not safe area, nope, no sireee…😄

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