Last minute cancellation. Take it at face value or throw this one back?

[Itslegitimatesalvage]

I’ve been dating a guy for a little while and last weekend, we spent the night together for the first time. Been chatting everyday like normal but didn’t see each other over the weekend for the first time since we started dating. Arranged to meet after work today, so I drove half an hour into the city to meet him. I was waiting in a coffee shop around 400 meters from his flat, when he messaged to say he’d been in a bad mood since getting soaked going to work that morning and wouldn’t be good company so would it be ok to cancel. I couldn’t exactly argue with him or say he had to come so I said that’s fine and just went back to the car and drove home, but being a few minutes walk from
his flat and told to go home… that’s a hard rejection to swallow. I don’t know whether to let it go and take it as he said; just a bad day or if this is a bit too far to cancel like that. Should I start to distance it, leave it now?

OP is not.
I feel bad that he says he is hurting, because I’m not a sociopath. But it isn’t my fault he is.
There isn’t anything wrong with cancelling, things come up. But it was very wrong of him to let me drop the kids off, drive over to him and then sit in that coffee shop for almost half an hour after the agreed time waiting for him to show up, when he obviously knew he wasn’t coming. It was disrespectful and uncaring and selfish. And it left me feeling quite rejected.

I feel bad because maybe this was just a bad mental health day for him, and maybe I should be understanding but it made me feel pretty bad and we’re still in the new relationship phase where we should be making an effort, but instead the drama has already started. I don’t have much childcare and honestly, finding the time to have so many dates with him took effort. Then he can’t even walk a couple hundred meters to see me, even for a shorter date? No. It left me feeling really off and I don’t want to feel like that. It’s early days so I can walk away with feeling really hurt and sad about it but if we keep seeing each other then it will be upsetting when he has more “bad days” and leaves me stood up.

I feel bad because maybe this was just a bad mental health day for him, and maybe I should be understanding but it made me feel pretty bad and we’re still in the new relationship phase where we should be making an effort, but instead the drama has already started.

OP, you really are my hero. He probably does have poor mental health or other issues. In many cases of controlling or emotionally abusive relationships, there is some factor of mental health or personality disorders at play. But nonetheless, it's no excuse for poor behaviour and I am so impressed to see a woman who is asserting her own boundary, while still being able to feel compassion.

I wish SIL had been like you!

@Itslegitimatesalvage dont you dare wobble, under what circumstances would you EVER have someone drive half an hour to see you and then leave them waiting for - what - an hour? I doubt you chugged your coffee, you were on your second ffs.

none. You wouldn’t do this.

Even forgetting the bit about you having to sort childcare!

the humiliation of waiting and waiting only to be effectively stood up.

how much of a dick would you have to be not to come and have one sodding coffee before telling that person that you’re not well or something

he’s seeing what he can get away with, pull you back in so he can hurt you again.

he’s probably one of those blokes who targets women with kids because he thinks they’re more desperate and will put up with more crap, that they will be grateful for the attention

this guy treated you appallingly and he could have handled it differently in millions of ways that would not have been so hurtful, but even if it’s just that he’s thoughtless, that’s way past the acceptable level of thoughtlessness.

he’s fucked this up big time, let it stay fucked up and don’t give this guy a second chance, it absolutely will blow up in your face, and worse, could involve your kids feelings too.

You’re a very strong person OP. I respect you for your morals in not treating him the way he has treated you, however tempting, and your lovely of self respect. Which all of us should have. You know your self worth and won’t compromise, and deserve to meet someone who will treat you far better than this person ever will in the long run. I think responding to his early doors drama as the glowing red flag it is is a very healthy stance for you to take. It’s not easy but ultimately you are probably saving yourself (and your children) from a lot of unnecessary heartache from him.

Good luck! x

@Itslegitimatesalvage cross post.

You’re a kind and caring person, you’re worth more than crumbs. Don’t ever lose faith in that.

MH issues of course aren’t all the same and what presents in on person may not with another, fine. I get that.

20odd years ago I was depressed to the lowest level possible, nobody thought I’d survive it. I very nearly didn’t. Not once did I treat anyone like that man treated you. Not once did I ever let anyone down. I was too worried about how others felt about me already without exacerbating it.

out of interest, did you visit him at home before? Did you know where he lived?

Flakes, users and cocklodgers hone in on lone parents, wrongly assuming they are desparate, but you have good boundaries. Keep them!

@MzHz

I’d been to his a few times when we’ve not felt like going out for a date and then had that one overnight at his. But didn’t feel I could just go ring his buzzer, which I’ve done before when meeting at his, because we said we’d meet for food first. Then he cancelled and I didn’t fancy storming round to make a scene. But I’ve seen his place and it’s been a mixture of weeknights and weekends and it didn’t raise any red flags about a second life or anything.

For me it’s the fact he knew you were already at the cafe a few minutes walk away that’s the worst thing.

it would have to be an absolute emergency to not walk 400 yards to tell you in person or at least have a coffee and a chat. Maybe after an hour of chatting he would have relaxed and improved his mood enough to continue with the date but he couldn’t even be arsed.

Totally

out of interest, has he said anything about any ex girlfriends? Bad break ups etc? It's not really relevant and you've made the right decision to move on, but I suspect this man probably has some "psycho ex" in his past. The kind who is responsible for him now being cautious/his poor mental health/ etc!

The level of commitment he's displaying in trying to reel you back in is quite fascinating. Good job staying strong.

I had an experience a bit like this, years ago. Met the guy through OLD. In my case I had to cancel - plenty of notice given, work related, I was very apologetic and suggested other dates. He was furious. So many angry emails. I told him that in my work this happens a lot and I didn't think it was going to work out. I then got a blizzard of really apologetic emails, but I felt exactly as you did, OP. That the drama had already started and the likelihood was that it would continue. Perhaps it wouldn't have but if it did then it was only going to make me more miserable and stressed than I was already.

That would be thrown to the kerb.

Don't feel bad. He made his choice, and this is the consequence. If he is now realising that it was a bad choice and he doesn't like the consequence, then he will learn a lesson about making better choices in future. You've done him a favour.

He's emotionally immature and it's his behaviour that means he's lost his chance with you. I'm sure he likes you a lot and probably does feel bad that he fucked up. But that's not your problem.

There are plenty of men out there who will not create upset and drama. Who, even if they've had the day from hell, would think, I can't wait to see Itslegit and give her a hug. So don't worry. You've done the right thing for both of you.

Absolutely.

Oof! Like many others have said, this is him trying to reel you in again.....until the next time he doesn't realise until that moment that he's going to cancel.

Stay strong OP!

Be glad that he has shown you how immature and thoughtless he is. Not a keeper

This. Even if you hadn't had a date lined up this would be off-putting.
You had already made the right decision before this morning, but worse still he didn't even apologise the next morning. Just 'I feel better now'. Me me me. If he's like that at 42 he's not gonna change.

Hopefully he'll leave you alone now but if he does try again, maybe be blunt.

I don't want to see you again. Don't message me any more. Learn from this and don't mess people around. It's not ok.

It sounds like the right decision OP. There’s clearly lots of stuff he just doesn’t get - eg the effort of getting a child free night sorted. And tbh if he prioritising being in a mood over all your effort this early in a relationship it will only get worse.

He could have cancelled at any point in the day. To leave it until he was already 30 mins late is unacceptable.

Well done for not seeing that behaviour as excusable.

Plenty more men out there.

Just hopping on again to say how impressed I am with how switched on you are OP - you sound fantastic. So many other women in your position would have made excuses to accept this shoddy behaviour. I'm so used to seeing women value male attention over their own self worth, it's refreshing to see how you've dealt with this whilst still being classy and kind. Bravo!

Worst case scenario he got a kick out of knowing you were sitting there waiting for him.

He sounds a highly immature, self-absorbed, irresponsible, 40-something man who really needs to grow up and get a backbone. I can't see him making a great partner for you, particularly as you have children and no time for this nonsense. He will take more than he gives, and you will feel like you have another child. You sound lovely and deserve an equally great, grounded partner.

I really admire you for the way you have handled this. It is so inspiring to see a woman having self-respect and not tolerating bullshit from a fool of a man. I hope you're feeling ok about things.

Thanks for that, I was just wondering if he’d kept you at arms length, but at least he didn’t do that.

still, you don’t treat people like that, you just don’t. If he needs educating at this late stage in life, he’s hopeless

and you’re worth more