AIBU to hope my partner would offer to help with my son?

[Mamabear931]

Hi!

So I need some advice, I’m neurodivergent and don’t have many friends to talk to who can tell me if I’m being unreasonable here and if I need to manage my expectations better.

So I split from my sons dad before he was one year old, and I’ve been with my current partner for a year and a half and he currently lives with me and my son as of around 5 months ago.

Recently I have been feeling exceptionally burnt out with life, holding down my job, being a single parent, I take my partner to work every day and pick him up as well as do all the nursery drop offs, etc. I am financially responsible for most of the household bills and pay for all food/petrol due to issues with money my partner has.

I have to rely on my mum and dad to watch my son overnight at their house so that so that I can work on a weekend. My mum and dad love having him but they are older and it can be taxing on them and I wish my son didn’t have to stay out every week.

Since my partner has moved in my parents have sort of hinted at why my partner never offers to watch my son on an evening occasionally so that he can just stay home in his own bed. I work evenings until 11pm so my son would be in bed for most of the time I work, and I’d not expect him to do it every week.

My partner and my son get on really well in terms of their playing together but he absolutely wants nothing to do with helping out with him.

He never offers and I don’t ask because I know he would huff about it, any time he’s asked to watch his niece he won’t do it and complains it’s not his job. I know I can’t expect him to watch my son as I know he isn’t his child, but he lives here now so I thought he may at least offer once in a while to help me out especially when I’ve been struggling so badly.

Do you think I’m being unreasonable for hoping he’d help? I’d never expect him to watch him if he wasn’t living here now and going to be in the house anyway.

I desperately needed to go to the shop last week, but my son was poorly, and he wouldn’t watch him for half an hour so I could quickly run to the shop and basically told me if my son doesn’t go with me I can’t go. He couldn’t go to the shop for me as he doesn’t drive and it’s too far to walk and he has no money.

There are other issues in the relationship relating to financial irresponsibility on his side, and it’s putting massive strain on me.

I can’t tell if this is just causing me to resent him because of all of the other problems we’ve been having but I’d really appreciate everyone’s honest input. I know I have been feeling extremely burnt out and stressed so if I am being completely unreasonable please do give me a good talking to. My sons dad never bothers so I think I’m also overly cautious of having another man in his life who just doesn’t want to give him the time of day 😔

I am very sorry to read your situation. I think you should consider whether you should continue in this relationship, as it seems very one sided. You should absolutely expect your live-in partner to help with your child, but he should also be contributing equally to finances and household chores. I think he might be taking advantage of you, and this sounds abusive.

What does he bring to the table exactly? I get that he might not want to look after your son overnight but to refuse to keep an eye on him while you pop to the shops is pretty pathetic. Sounds like your life would be less stressful without him in it! And I don’t think the solution is to persuade/convince him to look after your son - personally I wouldn’t trust him to look after any children (too many sad stories in the news about children being abused or worse by their parent’s new partner).

I take my partner to work every day and pick him up as well as do all the nursery drop offs, etc. I am financially responsible for most of the household bills and pay for all food/petrol

You have bigger issues than him not babysitting. You have a cocklodger. It's time to let the lazy selfish arse go as he is, and never will be, a supportive partner.

a lot of people on MN think that step parents shouldn’t have to do any looking after of the child, but the fact that you are running your partner around, paying all bills etc, the least he can do is watch for child while you earn money to fund him!

He’s fucking useless. Throw him out, and stop letting him take the piss out of you.

I agree with this.

You have two children.

you need him out asap. He isn’t your partner.

Aw OP this is really sad. You deserve someone who cares abo it you and wants to support you and bring something to your life. In my opinion he should not have moved in with you if he wasn’t prepared to pull his weight in the household and to my mind that includes little things like watching your son for half an hour or being responsible for him when he’s in bed and you’re working. What exactly is he bringing to your life apart from stress and more financial burden?
please up your standards and break it off or at the very least ask him to move out as it isn’t working for you.

OP your partner is acting like he’s your teenage child. I’m struggling to see what on earth he brings to the table. I’d have absolutely no time for this whatsoever.

Sorry, but he’s clearly using you. ☹️

David Attenborough voice on “And is a fine example of the male cocklodger in his natural habitat of a vulnerable woman’s home. Notice how he fails to contribute to household expenses and uses grouch and bad temper to rebuff her attempts to make him contribute in cash or kind. Amazingly the population of this creature appears to be on the increase, despite being apparently unable to support themselves financially, feed themselves or transport themselves from point a to point b.”

Sounds like you ve got 2 children.

Why did you ask him to move in when he has 'issues' with money?

He's not a step parent

OP what are this man's good points? He works, but doesn't financially contribute. So what does he do with his money?

Sounds as though he's getting free accommodation and food, and uses you as a taxi, but offers nothing in return.

Seriously consider if this relationship is worth continuing. He sounds a very bad role model for your son. If you ended things with him you'd have less ferrying around and will be financially better off, as you'll save on food and petrol, and could claim some single person benefits.

Partner implies a joint commitment to the relationship. This man is not putting in 50% and not pulling his weight, therefore he is not a partner.

I'd tell him to move out - he's not putting enough in either financially or with the household jobs, one of which is childcare. If he cared enough to move in with you, then he needed to accept that he was taking on a step parent role and that this would involve looking after your DS at times. That's what partners do.

So yes, he should have been looking after DS in the evenings, rather than cocklodging away for free on your sofa, in your home whilst your parents babysat and you worked. And yes - he should certainly have looked after your DS whilst you nipped to the shops.

He couldn’t go to the shop for me as he doesn’t drive and it’s too far to walk and he has no money.

He'd have been walking to his fucking work the next morning if he lived with me after this. No way would I have been prepared to drive him.

I agree with everyone...he brings nothing to the table..issues with money being a huge red flag. Get rid.

What are you getting out of this relationship exactly? He’s not someone I would invite in to mine or my child’s life as he doesn’t seem to be contributing much.

He relies on you for lifts to work but won’t reciprocate at all. Are you planning more children? I would say stop if you are, because there are a lot of red flags here.

so I think I’m also overly cautious of having another man in his life who just doesn’t want to give him the time of day 😔

With respect you don’t sound overly cautious about this at all. You have already invited a man into your child’s life who is telling you over and over he has no interest in your son.

Brilliant!

And sadly well put. Op give your head a wobble. Stop flying an ocean for someone who wouldn't jump a puddle for you

You have a garden variety, grade A cocklodger. He must've seen you coming and he treats you terribly.

What is the point of him? Why on earth are you driving his skint arse about??

Raise your bar. If you need a partner, they need to be supportive and stand on their own two feet with regards to money and driving.

He doesn't need to take responsibilty for your son, but helping for 30 minutes or on an evening while you are at work making money to support his lazy arse is not too much to ask.

Sorry OP but your so called partner is nothing of the sort. Hes another one on the long list of MN useless scrounging freeloading lazy immature cocklodging leeches who bring absolutely nothing to the table.

Honestly the sooner you bin off his pathetic arse, the happier you’ll be.

OP, you are doing a LOT for him and he won't do this one thing for you. He sounds selfish. Stop funding him!

Why on earth have you allowed this man child to move in with you?

I don’t understand why as a single parent to a very young child you’ve invited a financially irresponsible loser into your home and are taking money from your son to pay for an adult? That’s irrespective of him not even watching your son for half an hour.

What were you thinking?

He’s got a free roof over his head, bills paid, free taxi to work and back.

What have you got?

A drain on your finances, time and energy.

What’s your son got?

A random bloke in his home who treats him like an inconvenience.

In what way is he a ‘partner’? It sounds like he brings fuck all to the relationship.

Kick him out. You’ll be better off alone.

Can you explain how he actually is a partner?