AIBU to hope my partner would offer to help with my son?

[Mamabear931]

Hi!

So I need some advice, I’m neurodivergent and don’t have many friends to talk to who can tell me if I’m being unreasonable here and if I need to manage my expectations better.

So I split from my sons dad before he was one year old, and I’ve been with my current partner for a year and a half and he currently lives with me and my son as of around 5 months ago.

Recently I have been feeling exceptionally burnt out with life, holding down my job, being a single parent, I take my partner to work every day and pick him up as well as do all the nursery drop offs, etc. I am financially responsible for most of the household bills and pay for all food/petrol due to issues with money my partner has.

I have to rely on my mum and dad to watch my son overnight at their house so that so that I can work on a weekend. My mum and dad love having him but they are older and it can be taxing on them and I wish my son didn’t have to stay out every week.

Since my partner has moved in my parents have sort of hinted at why my partner never offers to watch my son on an evening occasionally so that he can just stay home in his own bed. I work evenings until 11pm so my son would be in bed for most of the time I work, and I’d not expect him to do it every week.

My partner and my son get on really well in terms of their playing together but he absolutely wants nothing to do with helping out with him.

He never offers and I don’t ask because I know he would huff about it, any time he’s asked to watch his niece he won’t do it and complains it’s not his job. I know I can’t expect him to watch my son as I know he isn’t his child, but he lives here now so I thought he may at least offer once in a while to help me out especially when I’ve been struggling so badly.

Do you think I’m being unreasonable for hoping he’d help? I’d never expect him to watch him if he wasn’t living here now and going to be in the house anyway.

I desperately needed to go to the shop last week, but my son was poorly, and he wouldn’t watch him for half an hour so I could quickly run to the shop and basically told me if my son doesn’t go with me I can’t go. He couldn’t go to the shop for me as he doesn’t drive and it’s too far to walk and he has no money.

There are other issues in the relationship relating to financial irresponsibility on his side, and it’s putting massive strain on me.

I can’t tell if this is just causing me to resent him because of all of the other problems we’ve been having but I’d really appreciate everyone’s honest input. I know I have been feeling extremely burnt out and stressed so if I am being completely unreasonable please do give me a good talking to. My sons dad never bothers so I think I’m also overly cautious of having another man in his life who just doesn’t want to give him the time of day 😔

Whose home is it? If you fear asking him to go get a family meme r to be there to support you. He needs to go and is a poor role model for your dc.

Me too. And probably every single person here. What a selfish prick.

Ok not legally. But he is her boyfriend and he lives with her and her child.

Get rid of this cocklodger he is using you. You and your son deserve better. He is a waste of good DNA. Tell him to sling his hook.

Don't worry he will squirm his way into someone else's home, his type always do.

It's my impression that if a partner moves in with somebody who has child they take on helping with their care. If you stay together long term then essentially they become the step parent, which means involvement and being close to the kid.

One of my friends lives with a partner who takes her son to his sports club every week and they will do things together without her sometimes, unless he's really above and beyond I would have thought this is to be expected?

If he's not willing to step up and help you don't have a good guy there I'm afraid and as your DS gets older he might start to take it personally too

You're feeling burnt out, your parents are getting older and your DS has to go and stay with them instead of sleeping in his own bed despite the fact you're not working over night and will be back at a reasonable ish hour, your DP moved in knowing all this yet still won't help you with any child care.

OP that would seriously piss me off.

I could pretty much cope with being burned out if I was on my own but to juggle all that while a perfectly able-bodied partner not only sat and watched it happening but has the cheek to think it's not his job to share at least some of the load would be all I need to know that he's only there for the roof over his head.

Op could you secretly get the day off work, drop him off in the morning as usual and then go home, bag his stuff up, change the locks, dump his stuff at work and tell him if he contacts you again you'll call the police.

You need to play dirty to get rid of scum.

@Mamabear931, please do not allow this parasite’s coercion, downplaying and gaslighting to phase you when you end this train wreck.

He is a toxic deadbeat sponge who preys on vulnerable women and children.

In another thread you said your Ex did absolutely zero to help you and DS, even when he was homebound during the pandemic and you were struggling to manage all the responsibilities and were ill with Covid. He would arise at 10:30, refuse to parent, and then stay out at night getting wasted. He called your having boundaries and expectations ‘unreasonable.’

@Mamabear931, you’re in another abusive relationship. Your child needs to be protected from this mean-spirited, self-serving cocklodger who is making demands and bleeding you dry.

Get him gone asap. Kind posters have suggested the words and process you can use to do it.

Please get shot, he sounds awful!

Tell your parents and a male friend that yoi need help. Change the locks when he is out.

This is a seriously nasty situation op. You are financially supporting a man who wont help you in any way even with a sick child.

Please get proper help witj this

I'd also tell him you're far to busy to be fetching and carrying him from his work, and don't settle for him saying if you don't drive him he can't go.

He has all the hallmarks of a cock lodger.

Why are you financing this grown wasters life.

Why are you running around after a grown man.

He has no respect for you.

Kick him out.

This man is not your partner? So he moved into your home yet wants nothing to do with your child. How exactly is that going to work long term? He is not contributing financially and you are taking him to work?!

Surely life was easier without him?

He’s a cocklodger. You need to get rid, he’s bringing nothing to your life but hassle and stress. Could you get your parents round to support you when you ask him to leave?

OP, it sounds like you could seriously benefit from the Freedom Programme. Google it and see if there is one in your area. AFAIK, it is free.

Your parents are absolutely spot on.
I got together with current DP when DS was 2, it was essential to me that he wanted to be involved with DS, even if I didn't 'ask' for help. When you're a single parent with young DC, you come as a package. Anyone not prepared for that is not up to it. This guy definitely isn't.

You need to get this guy out of your house and find someone who sees you and your son as a package . He doesn’t pay anything , he doesn’t help , he doesn’t participate . You and your son deserve better

You had me at “partner of a year and a half… moved in 5 months ago”.

So a year ish before you moved this waster into your home with your child.

As others have said - get rid and then look at doing the freedom program.

*He couldn’t go to the shop for me as he doesn’t drive and it’s too far to walk and he has no money.

There are other issues in the relationship relating to financial irresponsibility on his side, and it’s putting massive strain on me*

I stopped reading there. No idea why you have him as a partner or living with you? It doesn’t seem wise as I can’t imagine what he brings to the table, definitely does not seem like an asset in any way. I would just get rid personally.

This man is a loser get rid of him

There are def better guys than this out there. Don't settle for this.
A partner makes life easier, carries their weight and helps any way they can. Find someone of equal value to you. You're doing an amazing job with your own kid, work etc. You don't need to take care of a fully grown adult on top who doesn't contribute to anything. Look at what you've written. See your worth.

1. Pack his bags.

1. Put his bags outside.

1. If necessary, change the locks.

He's not helping your life in anyway. He is draining you financially and emotionally. Perhaps one/both of your parents could sleep over sometimes at your house, instead of your son going to them? Perhaps you won't need to work such difficult hours when you are not subsidising another adult?

I think a partnership is when you help each other out. Yes, it's not his son but you drive your "partner" to work every day and pick him up and are responsible for most of the household bills and you pay for all food/petrol due to "issues with money my partner has." Most people in that circumstance would feel that they should contribute a bit to the partnership and would offer to help with watching your son and would be gracious about this. He knows he is a selfish pig. Talking to him is pointless because he likes acting like that. I would be done subsidising somebody to this extent for what seems like nothing in return. I think your parents are right. I think you should get rid of him and change the locks. I'd have your parents there when you tell him to leave.

I should say that you don't need to discuss it with him. Just say that it's not working out for you and you won't change your mind. Have your parents there to back you up or any burly relatives too. It doesn't matter what he says or why he says you are unreasonable. It's not working out for you and you want him to leave.

I would contact a locksmith before to check how fast they can get round to changing the locks. Secure precious or fragile stuff under lock and key and have your child somewhere else. I would have some spare cardboard boxes if necessary for packing. If he kicks off, call the police without hesitation.

Exactly, that is really the main issue here. I used to work in social services and it’s frightening how some women are so eager to have their relatively new partners move in and / look after their kids overnight and basically have access to their child . It’s probably even lucky in some ways this guy is just useless, selfish and lazy rather than a child predator.

I worry if a more predatory man did show interest in your child you’d be so overjoyed he was wanting to play a father role you might easily miss the signs of abuse. Or some men may begrudgingly accept babysitting but then neglect the child leading to serious harm. At least this man isn’t even hiding his dislike of the idea of contributing to your family /households so you can turf him out easily.

Focus on your child, and grow a backbone in future. If you need to date you don’t need to be moving every man in or even introducing them to your child.

Your child has suffered enough by having a deadbeat father. If any man wants to come in and be a stepparent take your time, vet him thoroughly and make him earn that right. Only entertain a man who will see it as a privilege rather than a burden because why would you want to foist your son on someone who sees him as a burden.

If you don’t take time to seriously reflect on this, and have some alone time I can see this happening again and again with the risk to your child increasing each time. And your child is the only real victim in this as they have no choice.