AIBU to hope my partner would offer to help with my son?

[Mamabear931]

Hi!

So I need some advice, I’m neurodivergent and don’t have many friends to talk to who can tell me if I’m being unreasonable here and if I need to manage my expectations better.

So I split from my sons dad before he was one year old, and I’ve been with my current partner for a year and a half and he currently lives with me and my son as of around 5 months ago.

Recently I have been feeling exceptionally burnt out with life, holding down my job, being a single parent, I take my partner to work every day and pick him up as well as do all the nursery drop offs, etc. I am financially responsible for most of the household bills and pay for all food/petrol due to issues with money my partner has.

I have to rely on my mum and dad to watch my son overnight at their house so that so that I can work on a weekend. My mum and dad love having him but they are older and it can be taxing on them and I wish my son didn’t have to stay out every week.

Since my partner has moved in my parents have sort of hinted at why my partner never offers to watch my son on an evening occasionally so that he can just stay home in his own bed. I work evenings until 11pm so my son would be in bed for most of the time I work, and I’d not expect him to do it every week.

My partner and my son get on really well in terms of their playing together but he absolutely wants nothing to do with helping out with him.

He never offers and I don’t ask because I know he would huff about it, any time he’s asked to watch his niece he won’t do it and complains it’s not his job. I know I can’t expect him to watch my son as I know he isn’t his child, but he lives here now so I thought he may at least offer once in a while to help me out especially when I’ve been struggling so badly.

Do you think I’m being unreasonable for hoping he’d help? I’d never expect him to watch him if he wasn’t living here now and going to be in the house anyway.

I desperately needed to go to the shop last week, but my son was poorly, and he wouldn’t watch him for half an hour so I could quickly run to the shop and basically told me if my son doesn’t go with me I can’t go. He couldn’t go to the shop for me as he doesn’t drive and it’s too far to walk and he has no money.

There are other issues in the relationship relating to financial irresponsibility on his side, and it’s putting massive strain on me.

I can’t tell if this is just causing me to resent him because of all of the other problems we’ve been having but I’d really appreciate everyone’s honest input. I know I have been feeling extremely burnt out and stressed so if I am being completely unreasonable please do give me a good talking to. My sons dad never bothers so I think I’m also overly cautious of having another man in his life who just doesn’t want to give him the time of day 😔

@Russoooooo
i agree.

If he won't help you ... then stop helping him.
Don't cook meals for him
Don't take him to work
Don't do his laundry etc

Either you are in a partnership where you help each other or you are not. So then either he helps or you stop!

Of course if you stop then what is then point of him!

I think if someone moves in with a partner with DC's then they can expect to do some childcare. They can't just opt out of daily life. Him being bad with money is his problem, still has to pay his way.
If you ever think of moving a partner in in the future, ask beforehand how they will contribute and if it isn't 50%, don't bother.
You need to end this and ask him to leave.

Your burnout will probably resolve itself if you get rid of this leechy 2nd child you've acquired, op.

@everyone thank you so much for your advice so far.

I know and agree I have been an absolute idiot in this, im glad to hear that you all seem to agree that it’s not right and he should be helping more as I was massively doubting myself.

I really struggle with knowing peoples intentions being autistic and I am probably considered easily manipulated, my partner is good at telling me he’s doing nothing wrong and that it’s me with the problem and unfortunately I tend to believe that.

Im afraid of taking the next steps, he can be very argumentative and defensive and I know I’ll be made to be the one in the wrong, does anyone have any advice on how to go from here?

He also gets his meals cooked, laundry done and sex.

Op he'll not want to go but you've got to put yourself and your child first. This guy will drain you, mentally and practically.

Why is he living with you? He's not helpful. When couples move in it's meant to be cheaper for both and easier for both. He's made it harder. Chuck him out the nasty user.

It's never easy to break up with someone but it would be easier for you to break up with him than stay with him.
You could tell him over text? Would your parents help you? He can argue but you don't have to. Just keep repeating that you've made your mind up and that there is no point talking about it.

Ask him to leave.. If he won't you ring the police. He has no rights to be there...

The only advice is tell him to leave and end this one sided relationship before he bleeds you dry

Sometimes, if you know someone is going to be huffy, then it’s easier to deal with as you’re expecting this behaviour.

can’t believe he didn’t watch your child when you wanted to pop to the shops!

What the hell??

Why have you got this waste of space living in your home & being chauffeured about, being a kept man, costing you time, energy & money.

... and he won't even watch your DS when you need to go to a shop or work??

what are you & DS getting out of him living there??

id take him to work tomorrow, but I wouldn't pick him him up & id ask where he wants his crap dropped off to. I'd drop it off to get rid of it out of my house, not to help him out.

if you were my DD, I wouldn't want him to be watching my grandchild , but I'd have had a LOT to say about you 'keeping' this twat.

big hug, get rid of him x

I find it strange that you live a a family but he has nothing to do with looking after your son

I think it would be quite damaging for your son to grow up in this environment

It is ok if he makes it out that you are the one in the wrong. It's cool.
He still needs to get the F out of your house.

Don't waste energy trying to "prove" anything to him about your decision. You don't have to explain anything.

"This isn't working for me and you need to move out."

Take him to work in the morning

take DS to nursery if it's one of his days. Take the day off work if you can.

change the lock (get a locksmith if you can afford it. You can just go and get a new barrel & do it yourself, but easier not to have to!

Don't pick him up. Text him to tell him you're done. He needs to find somewhere else to stay.

tell him to text you where he wants his stuff dropped off. Before the eeeksnd as you're not keeping it longer than that.

tell him to stay away & if he comes anywhere near you or the house you'll call the police

and mean it!!

yes he is abusing your vulnerability in many ways, including saying it's your fault/other women would xyz, whatever.

Op, getting rid of your 'partner' is absokutely and utterly obvious. I haven't read all the replies but they will all say that I'm sure.

So, what I want my post to say is that, seriously op, once he's gone, you need to do some serious thinking ON YOUR OWN as to why this was even a question, why you let a man in to your home who brings absolutely nothing to the table.

Normal relationships
'Can I live with you but not pay a penny?'
'No. Don't be so stupid.'

Tell him it's not working and tell him to leave.

Remember When you live with someone things should be easier not harder.

What is your housing situation? Do you own your house or are you privately renting? If the latter do you rent on your own and cocklodger DP stays there or are you renting together?

What @AnneLovesGilbert said. Honestly, OP, did it never occur to you to have a very frank and full discussion about this before you moved him in?

You say, "this isn't working for me. You have to leave." If he starts getting arsey or refuses, call the police.

@rwalker

they don't live as a family.

he lives as a nasty cocklodger.

she lives as a vulnerable woman being abused.

baby lives as a confused little mite.

It doesn't matter if he things you're in the wrong .

Your next steps are to tell him to leave your house, give him x amount of time if you want, and to tell him you never got any to see him again.

Now you know this isn't normal. You know that he isn't a nice guy. He is bleeding you dry and isn't even helping you with your child. You need to get rid of them and do it immediately. Honestly I despair of this form sometimes, the way women are being treated by the most shit men.

Where did he live beforehand?

If you feel intimidated then I suggest you have someone with you whilst you tell him that living togetherisnt working out...at least in the house, if not in the same room.

I would definitely do this.