AIBU to hope my partner would offer to help with my son?

[Mamabear931]

Hi!

So I need some advice, I’m neurodivergent and don’t have many friends to talk to who can tell me if I’m being unreasonable here and if I need to manage my expectations better.

So I split from my sons dad before he was one year old, and I’ve been with my current partner for a year and a half and he currently lives with me and my son as of around 5 months ago.

Recently I have been feeling exceptionally burnt out with life, holding down my job, being a single parent, I take my partner to work every day and pick him up as well as do all the nursery drop offs, etc. I am financially responsible for most of the household bills and pay for all food/petrol due to issues with money my partner has.

I have to rely on my mum and dad to watch my son overnight at their house so that so that I can work on a weekend. My mum and dad love having him but they are older and it can be taxing on them and I wish my son didn’t have to stay out every week.

Since my partner has moved in my parents have sort of hinted at why my partner never offers to watch my son on an evening occasionally so that he can just stay home in his own bed. I work evenings until 11pm so my son would be in bed for most of the time I work, and I’d not expect him to do it every week.

My partner and my son get on really well in terms of their playing together but he absolutely wants nothing to do with helping out with him.

He never offers and I don’t ask because I know he would huff about it, any time he’s asked to watch his niece he won’t do it and complains it’s not his job. I know I can’t expect him to watch my son as I know he isn’t his child, but he lives here now so I thought he may at least offer once in a while to help me out especially when I’ve been struggling so badly.

Do you think I’m being unreasonable for hoping he’d help? I’d never expect him to watch him if he wasn’t living here now and going to be in the house anyway.

I desperately needed to go to the shop last week, but my son was poorly, and he wouldn’t watch him for half an hour so I could quickly run to the shop and basically told me if my son doesn’t go with me I can’t go. He couldn’t go to the shop for me as he doesn’t drive and it’s too far to walk and he has no money.

There are other issues in the relationship relating to financial irresponsibility on his side, and it’s putting massive strain on me.

I can’t tell if this is just causing me to resent him because of all of the other problems we’ve been having but I’d really appreciate everyone’s honest input. I know I have been feeling extremely burnt out and stressed so if I am being completely unreasonable please do give me a good talking to. My sons dad never bothers so I think I’m also overly cautious of having another man in his life who just doesn’t want to give him the time of day 😔

Im afraid of taking the next steps, he can be very argumentative and defensive and I know I’ll be made to be the one in the wrong, does anyone have any advice on how to go from here?

@Mamabear931 You don't need him to agree you are right - just tell him that he's not contributing enough and you've decided to end the relationship. Tell him to pack his things and go.

Believe me, he knows perfectly well that he's not paying enough or doing enough, but he won't admit it to you. He prefers to argue and pretend you are wrong. Just say once 'I'm not interested. It's over and you need to go. I'm going to my parents for the evening and I expect you to be gone when I return. If you are still here I will phone the police and ask them to remove you.

Then go to your parents.

Open your eyes op! What are you doing with this waste of space?

From one neurodivergent to another, he's an absolute cocklodger. Throw this one back op. He's using you.

Does he have a gold dick? What exactly does he bring to the table? He sounds like a cocklodger.

Tell him living together isnt working for you and he has to move out sharpish.

Next steps:
Do you have a joint account with him? If so remove your money and put it somewhere safe. Change any relevant passwords eg Internet banking or whatever.
Tell your parents you're going to end it with him and will need him to move out.
Tell your partner he needs to move out on X date (you don't need to give him much notice)
Change the locks.

Tell him from tomorrow it's not your job to make sure he gets to work. It's not as if you benefit from it.

why exactly did you decide to move this financially irresponsible and unstable man into your home? He’s just costing you more money and putting extra strain on your life. What does he actually bring to the table? You drive him around and keep a nice house for him whilst he’s living cheaply and comfortably.

What on earth does this person add to your life? So you pay for everything and run around being his taxi, and he won't even look after your son for half an hour so you can go to the shop?

He won't do things that 'aren't his job' well you playing mummy to him is not yours, so perhaps he needs to sort his own bloody life out and stop relying on you as a starter

I'm pretty sure that the term you want for the man who lives with you is not partner but is cocklodger.

He doesn't contribute to the household finances, he has you driving him to & from work, he does nothing to support you

Have some self respect and get rid of him

This

Excellent advice. Don't pick up the phone to him or answer any messages.

It will be hard for a short while, but you'll be far, far better off long term.

I suspect your DPs will be relieved too.

Going forward, is there any way you can aim to change jobs before your DS starts school? 9-5 hours would be far easier to fit in with school and a childminder. You'll have your weekends free to spend with him and relax.

My sons dad never bothers so I think I’m also overly cautious of having another man in his life who just doesn’t want to give him the time of day

Well that's exactly what you have got. What are you going to do though?

Have as many people with you as possible when you ask him to leave. Friends, co workers, family, anyone you can.

Package all his stuff up when you can. Does he have much there?

Chuck him out there and then, change the locks.

He won't help out for half an hour now - what future do you even see with this cocklodger? This all sounds terrible.

Op, if you're hoping that someone will come on this thread and teach you how to talk to him to make him understand that he should be helping more, then you'll have a long wait. A never gonna happen wait. He knows full well what he is doing. He saw you coming. So there's no way you can talk to him to make him understand because he already does. But it's not remotely in his interest to show that.

Just dump the man child. He’s using you

What @WagWoofWalkMeeoow said.

do it tomorrow!

I would add into it, calling your parents and asking them to come round tomorrow evening and stay the night so that when he returns home and is asked to pack his things and leave he can’t manipulate you, or argue with you as there is an audience!

change the locks and do t pick him up from work. Make clear if he contacts you again you’ll ring the police and make sure you do.

Please change the locks. It is cheap to do.

What does this man actually add to your life?
He does not contribute financially; he lives foe free; you feed him and drive him around.
I presume you do his laundry too and clean after him.
So - what is his role in this set-up???
Is that so you have company?
It’s too high a price to pay for that. Seriously.

Kick him out - your life would get much easier and better in long term.

He must have lived somewhere before he moved in with you, can't he go back there.

This.

I can’t believe he wants you to run him to work but won’t look after your son for half an hour. Summon up your courage and ask him to leave. Tell him it’s over. Do you have a friend or brother who can give you moral support.

Do you have someone to come and be with you while you tell him it's over and he has to move out? You don't want an argumentative and defensive man in your house with your child.

Kick him out, change the locks. Call the police if he raises his voice.

Why for heavens sake did you move him in????

Seconded. Absolutely