Husband does nothing around the house

[Iambeyondfedup]

I am a SAHM, been married for 20+ years with older kids (16 and 13). My husband works from home and has done so since January 2020.

I am very grateful that he works and provides for us, but he does next to nothing to contribute to home life. He washes his own clothes and will put his dishes in the dishwasher if it has space. Nothing else. And he wonders why our marriage isn’t in a good place. I cannot think of any other task he does.

I was recently out of commission for a couple of weeks and he had to take on the cooking, dishes, shopping and driving the kids. He did do those things, although I would consider at the bare minimum level. (For example okay he washed the dishes but didn’t clean the counter tops; or bought groceries but didn’t do a quick fridge clean out of anything old).

Since then it’s back to doing nothing.

He would probably say I’m a nag and that he doesn’t bother anymore because in the past I’d say he’s doing it wrong. For example. I try to point out that if I ask him to fold towels a certain way so they fit in the cupboard, that’s not nagging. If you don’t fold them in thirds they won’t fit and I’d have to redo it. And why should I have to remind him so many times about what is allowed in recycling and what isn’t. If he acted that way at his job, he wouldn’t be as successful, so why does he get to be incompetent at home?

I am just fed up. He wants more affection and intimacy in our marriage, I just want someone to lift a finger and contribute to our home life. What do your partners do around the home?

Sounds like you’re just as much of the problem. Doesn’t sound like you contribute much kids 13 & 16 what do you do all day.

think you both need to look at your relationship properly

I think YAB a bit U. There can't be a huge burden being a SAHP to teenagers, he does his own washing and he picked everything up when you were ill. His "job" is working and your "job" is household which is fair enough.

running the home is contribution
his contribution is financial
your contribution is running the home

if you don’t want to do all the house get yourself back to work

people work full time and run a home what an earth do u do with your time
surely at 13 and 16 the kids need very little

you sound bored

Yeah sorry op i think YABU. As PPs have mentioned, I am wondering what you do all day as a SAHM when your youngest is 13.

My DH contributes lots to the housework but I also work 4 days a week and my oldest kid is 3.

My DH always does the bins, and also helps out with the washing and hoovering, and cleaning the kitchen and bathroom. He also fixes a few things if he can. I am currently on mat leave so although it takes a while with a newborn, I do pick up more of the chores such as more washing. But when we both work, we do things equally, basically anything that needs doing.

I hate saying this but your dc are much older now and won’t need the constant picking up after them like toddlers do….so what do you do all day? He’s at home all day, you’re at home all day sounds like he’s getting under your feet and you resent him
i think you need to get a job. Even if it’s part time it’ll get you out of the house and give you independence. Perhaps then your DH will be prepared to divide up the housework.

Sorry OP but I agree with previous posters. You have five days when the DC are at school to do all the housework and have lots of time for yourself too. If you want a more even split of housework, you need to go back to work. My answer would be completely different if you were a SAHM with small children.

My hubby contributes to the house but I done expect it as he works hard also and your kids at them ages should also be helping out

I think YABU, your job is the household and his is outside the home. Yes he still needs to be contributing and he is, he's washing his own clothes etc. if he's doing a chore but the complaint is it's not done how you like it then yeah that's nagging. You're nit picking on the details and ignoring that he's just doing it his way. You're a stay at home mum to teens, if you need an equal split in chores you need to include the teens and also go back to work

Yes this is a good point as well. Do your kids not help out?

Need more information about what you do with your time to need assistance?
He presumably works 37 ish hours so if you do the same for the family and household there wouldn’t be any need for help.
That said. Your DC need to start learning to care for themselves and at some point DH will retire and should share the load.

You should be doing the same amount of work. I’m a sahm (youngest) does morning nursery and DH does contribute at home as in after dinner one of us does bathroom time while the other does post dinner clean up but I do most housework while he’s working.

I suspect the problem here is being a SAHM when your children are 13 and 16. You could work at keeping house the whole time while they're at school but you'd still need to be on duty 24/7 if they (and your DH) don't pull their weight at home, which isn't right.

You and your DH need to have a discussion about resetting your expectations of each other now that your children are that much older.

if he's doing a chore but the complaint is it's not done how you like it then yeah that's nagging

Sometimes it's not about personal preference though. If someone eg piles up crockery in a way that means it's going to fall out and smash when the cupboard is opened that's not "doing it their way".
If someone takes the bin out but drips bin juice along the floor without clearing it up that's not "doing it their way"

I am definitely not bored! One child has an autoimmune illness that has required many medical appointments and tests over the past year. The other requires a lot of driving to after school sports.

I wish I could get the housework done during the day - when hubby previously worked in an office setting I was able to manage the load. Now he works from home his office is next to the kitchen and I have to limit any noise during working hours.

These things can't possibly take 40 hours per week though. It sounds like dh could do more but the lion's share should sit with you.

Your DH needs to get headphones so you can make more noise during the day.

Sorry i’m not buying these excuses op. Many of us also deal with similar issues that we also have to fit in with our jobs.

And what on earth means you need to make lots of noise apart from the odd bit of hoovering?

Other than hoovering the kitchen what other noise do you need to limit?

Cleaning surfaces & folding towels don’t make noise.

Sorry I think he does enough and you are being lazy.

I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt slightly - in that if he's home, he should be at least picking up after himself / doing immediate jobs if he's the one to notice it.

Eg put his stuff in dishwasher / empty bin if it's full / change toilet roll.

And if anything has to be done at the weekend then you should both share that load but I can't think of much other than if bin day falls then or if the tip is only open on the weekend!

But anything more "maintenance" should be your job.

What do you actually do all day ?

You’re an SAHP to teenagers. As a Pp said, massively different if they were small children. You’ve said nothing to suggest they need you at home full-time. People combine full-time working with the tasks you describe. You’ve don’t earn any money for the household. That’s fine but you absolutely should be maintaining the house. I’m quite shocked that you think otherwise.

The important thing is you both have the same amount of free time.

So if both of you are busy working between 9am and 5pm, you can both relax in the evening.

Anything that has to be done after 5 - driving children around for example - split equally.

I’m sorry but you sound just lazy. Very lazy.

I'm sorry OP but I agree with PPs. Bring a SAHM to teenagers has to be pretty easy (I understand that it can be more stressful if one has an illness though).
I was a SAHM when mine were babies and toddlers and that was exhausting! But as soon as they started school it was very easy, I got bored and I got a job.
Your DH is doing a full time job and your role is to manage the house. I think that's fair. If you were working full time and he was a SAHD I'd expect him to do all the house work.