Husband does nothing around the house

[Iambeyondfedup]

I am a SAHM, been married for 20+ years with older kids (16 and 13). My husband works from home and has done so since January 2020.

I am very grateful that he works and provides for us, but he does next to nothing to contribute to home life. He washes his own clothes and will put his dishes in the dishwasher if it has space. Nothing else. And he wonders why our marriage isn’t in a good place. I cannot think of any other task he does.

I was recently out of commission for a couple of weeks and he had to take on the cooking, dishes, shopping and driving the kids. He did do those things, although I would consider at the bare minimum level. (For example okay he washed the dishes but didn’t clean the counter tops; or bought groceries but didn’t do a quick fridge clean out of anything old).

Since then it’s back to doing nothing.

He would probably say I’m a nag and that he doesn’t bother anymore because in the past I’d say he’s doing it wrong. For example. I try to point out that if I ask him to fold towels a certain way so they fit in the cupboard, that’s not nagging. If you don’t fold them in thirds they won’t fit and I’d have to redo it. And why should I have to remind him so many times about what is allowed in recycling and what isn’t. If he acted that way at his job, he wouldn’t be as successful, so why does he get to be incompetent at home?

I am just fed up. He wants more affection and intimacy in our marriage, I just want someone to lift a finger and contribute to our home life. What do your partners do around the home?

Not the purpose of the thread but in all honesty are you making work for yourself when it comes to housework can’t imagine the need to spend hours everyday cleaning

as for the noise
get done Bluetooth headphones /earphones listers to music pad cast radio or anything

the only thing that’s going to be noisy is the hoover we have a cordless dyson for quick run round very quiet

You are taking the mick. SAHM and he does his own washing, takes up the jobs when you are ill but you then criticize what he does? Everyone is going to say you've got it easy. However, if what your DH does isn't enough for you, you have 2 DC's that are well old enough to do chores, and if they don't yet, it's about time they started so they learn not to be entitled in life and see it as someone else's job.

YABU. I was SAHM for 40 years and never expected my husband to do a single thing. Why should he, that was my job. DH did organise the cars. I fully expected all our bills paid and all financial problems organised by him and he expected a well run home and no domestic issues at all. The only domestic things we did together were choosing furniture/decor or planning holidays. For everything else, there was a clear demarcation and it worked extremely well. It meant that our overlapping leisure time was not eroded and going out to dinner we were just able to chat about matters of interest but not about anything domestic et cetera.

I’d like to be sympathetic, and I understand there’s a lot of driving with a sporty teen, but I find this hard to relate to. In two main ways- I work full time with 3 young dc and our life is a total scramble. The idea of 5 days a week of school hours at home alone to get things done is paradise, what else could need to be done? The other main way is unless your idea of cooking and cleaning the kitchen is shredding it with a power saw, I’d be doing it while he was working and if he complained I’d say he can cook when he finishes work or he can get better headphones.
I do get that things like working in the garden take longer and id expect him to help with ferrying the kids around on the weekend, but for the rest perhaps you should get a job if you resent this so much?

I too am a sahm and that is why i do all the house work and my husband does none. I have one at high school and 2 in primary (no family or help at all) my plan is back to work in 3 years when all at high school & my oldest can “help” this works for us though & why i am still not back to work. I run errands for him (posting, collecting stuff) i look after my elderly gran & i help out at school stuff & i’m in while work is done in our house. Sometimes i am bored now kids are older so looking into volunteer positions or maybe a part time job if i can work round school hours just for some pocket lpnet as i jeed to retrain when i do return to my job. What do you do all day? At 13 & 16 your kids don’t need you running about after them all day & they are out of the house too. You can’t expect your husband to help in the house and be the sole earner? If you want to contribute to house work as well the surely you need to contribute financially. Sah Mum is means you are there to look after the kids first and foremost and as you are the one “in the house” you take on most of that too (same if it was a sah dad) but you are past that stage with your kids so you are a housewife or to be posher a “home maker” so deal with the house as you should and don’t be lazy! If your teens are out of the house all day - your house is not going to be as messy as is it would if you had young kids at home anyway! YABU

Get yourself a school hours job and tell DH it's time to start sharing the load. It doesn't sound like you need the money but you do need a life outside the home and some independence and it's worth it for that alone.

Sorry OP, I agree with those saying as a SAHM the housework is primarily your responsibility.

His job is to earn income. Yours is to manage the household. If you can’t do that with kids at school, you’re doing something wrong.

Why the bloody hell do you need to be at home with kids of that age? I understand medical appointments, but you could surely work part time - or at the very least not complain when you have to do the housework.

Does it annoy you more because your DH is at home all day doing no housework? Would it be easier for you if he went out to work?

I'm at home still with children similar age and i think yabvu, my DH works and I do all the housework I've got more than enough time to do it all and still have time to myself. I'm also curious why he does his own washing don't you just put everyone's washing on at the same time ?

@Sweden99

I originally went on this board as I as in a marriage where m wife did not work, very rarely helped with any housework, and no kids nor sex life. Back then, most of MN thought I was exploiting her.

You got that response because, and only because, you are a man... and there's a cohort of posters who just hate men.

OP. If you can't do any housework because it makes too much noise, what the hell do you do all day?

Oh man...🙈
Get a job, then you won't need to worry.

I've just had a TAH and still get the house work done. Also dealing with an incurable breast cancer. The house is still sorted. DP has been diagnosed with Parkinson's and he does his best too.

Sounds an odd set up to me. Why does he do his own washing and not everyone else's? That's a waste of water ?

Get a job. Seriously. Everyone else manages to work PLUS do housework.
Get out in the real world. It’s not the 1950s any more.
Doing nothing but cleaning the house everyday, no wonder you’re miserable.

Essentially you are unemployed. There is no such thing as a SAHM. More, "time out of the work place" to focus on family.

If you worked, or volunteered or did a course linked to gaining employment, then you should defo split the chores.

But at present, you are not working, so the house appears to be your domain.

You're not a SAHM because you're not needed at home!
Housework is not all noisy so you could eg put the hoover round during his lunch break
You're probably fed up because you're bored!
Your DC are old enough to clear up after themselves and put their rubbish in the bin for example so why single out your working DH?!!
Frankly I think you need to find a job

Yeah sorry I agree with PP, you're unemployed not a SAHM. Driving your eldest to various after school/college activities does not equal a SAHM.

You are bored and resentful. This is about the lack of power/ control you feel in your life.

Branch out, seriously. Work, volunteer, do something, you have no purpose and feel subsumed.

But what on earth do you do all day???

Get a job

I was a SAHM to a 2yo and mine barely did anything which made me resentful as I was so exhausted. But if you have teens then I think you should be doing almost everything, you should be able to do this during the day while he's at work, isn't that the point? It wpuld be nice if he helped, but he shouldn't need to. Also if your kids are teens, you're not really a SAHP, you're mostly a housewife (between 9-4 anyway). I'd also advise you get your teens to step up and contribute too so they aren't lazy and end up being like their Dad too.

I think you are bored in the sense that it literally can be a very boring, relentless job, particularly if you feel unappreciated.
I think a part time job would be a really good idea. It would give you another focus.

Go out to work, uh like the rest of us?

they used to call this being a housewife - you sound pretty lazy. Your DH should get some noise cancelling headphones so you can crack on with cleaning

I think if you're going to pay for another person to not work then the least they can do is take care of maintaining the house. If I were him and had a wife who expected to split the housework I would ask you to go back to work so we can split the costs too.

I'm currently a SAHM to a toddler and don't expect my DH to do anything much around the house. Granted, he doesn't make much mess and does make his own lunch. But one of the benefits in having 1 person that works inside the home is it takes the pressure off both of you. Neither of us are stressed and running around trying to juggle work, child care and chores. Everything gets done (eventually..) without much stress on either of us. I'm baffled that you have taken a situation where you are in a position to have plenty of time for everything including nurturing your relationship with DH and have generated conflict. This is self sabotaging in my opinion.

Like another PP said, I think there is something deeper going on here and that you are unhappy but maybe not for the reasons you have outlined.

I'm sorry to hear about your DC's illness. Although I don't believe the added workload from that is anything close to having another job, I am sure it causes you a lot of anxiety and heartbreak. Maybe you are looking for an outlet for all those feelings instead?