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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband does nothing around the house

104 replies

Iambeyondfedup · 14/01/2024 06:47

I am a SAHM, been married for 20+ years with older kids (16 and 13). My husband works from home and has done so since January 2020.

I am very grateful that he works and provides for us, but he does next to nothing to contribute to home life. He washes his own clothes and will put his dishes in the dishwasher if it has space. Nothing else. And he wonders why our marriage isn’t in a good place. I cannot think of any other task he does.

I was recently out of commission for a couple of weeks and he had to take on the cooking, dishes, shopping and driving the kids. He did do those things, although I would consider at the bare minimum level. (For example okay he washed the dishes but didn’t clean the counter tops; or bought groceries but didn’t do a quick fridge clean out of anything old).

Since then it’s back to doing nothing.

He would probably say I’m a nag and that he doesn’t bother anymore because in the past I’d say he’s doing it wrong. For example. I try to point out that if I ask him to fold towels a certain way so they fit in the cupboard, that’s not nagging. If you don’t fold them in thirds they won’t fit and I’d have to redo it. And why should I have to remind him so many times about what is allowed in recycling and what isn’t. If he acted that way at his job, he wouldn’t be as successful, so why does he get to be incompetent at home?

I am just fed up. He wants more affection and intimacy in our marriage, I just want someone to lift a finger and contribute to our home life. What do your partners do around the home?

OP posts:
Wanna17 · 14/01/2024 09:31

Thanks for the chuckle this morning OP 😂

Your husband is doing his job earning the money and you want him to do half of your job too?

What will you be doing then when the kids are at school and your husband has done your work for you?

The housework is your job, if you don't like that job, go and get a different one and employ a cleaner!

barkymcbark · 14/01/2024 09:31

I'm afraid I think YABU. Your dc are 13 and 16, both in secondary school and old enough to be left alone. I'm sure it doesn't take 8 hours a day to keep on top of the house, cook and do the life admin. I know your 'working day' is spread across longer hours than your dh but I'm guessing that your actual 'work time' is about the same, or even less than your dh.

The only time I think YANBU is on the weekend. Could you speak to your DH about taking on a few meals on a weekend etc?

jackstini · 14/01/2024 09:45

YABU

I wfh 90% of the time

My dh is the SAHP and does the vast majority of the housework

I do do the food shopping and some of the cooking - because I like it, plus home admin as I'm better at it and on my laptop a lot

He does everything else - washing, ironing, cleaning, vacuuming, dishes, gardening, bins, car, DIY etc.

In your situation I would say your dh needs to get some noise cancelling headphones and do his job, which contributes all the finances. Wfh means working, not that he can toss it off and do housework just because he's at home

You need to stop nagging him and do your job of housework the way you like things- which is your contribution to running things

C00k · 14/01/2024 10:00

The obvious solution is for you to get a job. You have plenty of time on your hands, so seek employment and split the chores and teen doctor appointments with your husband. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Zanatdy · 14/01/2024 10:05

It sounds like you could do some paid work with teenagers. But he should also do more. So I think both of you need to change

Sloth66 · 14/01/2024 10:17

Pretty unanimous replies. So sounds like you’ve been at home for 16 years or more?
Yes, it can be tough getting back to working outside the home, but it can be done.

How about a bit of volunteering or looking for a course to support you getting back?
even a few hours a week is something for you

C00k · 14/01/2024 10:30

You said your marriage isn’t in a good place. Would you rather divorce, work, pay for your own housing, bills, car, and parent the teenagers 50/50? That’s the other solution if you don’t want to be married to him and unemployed.

BrutusMcDogface · 14/01/2024 10:33

What do you do all day then, if you can’t do the housework because the kitchen is next to his office? I think it would do you and your relationship a lot of good if you went out to work, and he had to share the burden of home/ medical appointments etc.

HalloumiGeller · 14/01/2024 10:37

I'm sorry, but you sound part of the problem tbh. Your kids are 16 & 13, so you're not a SAHM anymore, you're basically a lady of leisure, living off your husbands hard work. Why are you not at least working part time? I'd be SO bored if I was you. I was a SAHM for 4 years and it nearly killed me in all honesty.

As far as I'm concerned, you are not actively looking after small children anymore, therefore everything around the house is your responsibility. Yes he should put his own stuff in the dishwasher, but as for housework it's on you.

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 14/01/2024 10:53

Poor OP, she's getting piled on.

But I do think your kids should be doing jobs, bins, dishwasher, folding laundry, own laundry etc. your future daughters in law will thank you.

I don't know what to say about hubby, he's doing bits and pieces which is a start. Can he do some running around for appointments etc?

Sunnydays0101 · 14/01/2024 10:56

Obviously, you’d have been a lot busier in the past with younger children but at the age they are now, (and hopefully, they the keep their own rooms tidy, put away their laundry, help tidy up after meals, etc), you should have plenty of time for housework during the working week. The only housework that could create noise really is vacuuming. If you spent even two hours a day on housework and cooking, that leaves several hours for your hobbies, interests, meeting up with friends.

If you are feeling resentful of your DH, maybe get a part-time or full time job so naturally he has to step up yo the plate.

Comedycook · 14/01/2024 11:00

Oh wow.

I'm in the same situation...sahm to two teenage DC. And my dh works from home. Honestly, it's an easy life. He does his own laundry? Why? I do everything in the house...dh occasionally does things which is his own choice but I don't care if he does or doesn't. I have plenty of time to get everything done.

C00k · 14/01/2024 11:11

@howdoesyourgardengrowinmay why should he? He's working, OP has all day every day to do household stuff.
No one agreeing with the OP is not a pile on.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 14/01/2024 11:14

I'd have more of an issue having to keep the noise down while he works than I would at doing all the housework if I didn't work and had teens at home. I'd expect to do the majority if I didn't work and had older children. There's 6 hours in a school day for you to get stuff done.

Or

Get a job and discuss a new split of household chores.

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 14/01/2024 11:33

C00k · 14/01/2024 11:11

@howdoesyourgardengrowinmay why should he? He's working, OP has all day every day to do household stuff.
No one agreeing with the OP is not a pile on.

Working all day doesn't excuse him from parenting his children. I'm suggesting he gets more involved in the children's activities, ferrying to appointments etc .

Bettyscakes · 14/01/2024 11:38

Why should he take time off work though to go to appointments when OP doesn’t work?

I agree though evening car duties should be shared.

C00k · 14/01/2024 11:43

OP didn’t say he doesn’t parent, did she? The OP has nothing but time, so plenty of time to drive the kid to appointments and do household chores. This is a luxury not many people can afford, but she doesn’t like it, so needs to seek employment.

hellsBells246 · 14/01/2024 12:06

But he works... you don't. So the house is your 'job'. Surely you don't do 40 hours of housework, shopping and ferrying the kids around per week??

Sweden99 · 14/01/2024 12:21

Iambeyondfedup · 14/01/2024 06:47

I am a SAHM, been married for 20+ years with older kids (16 and 13). My husband works from home and has done so since January 2020.

I am very grateful that he works and provides for us, but he does next to nothing to contribute to home life. He washes his own clothes and will put his dishes in the dishwasher if it has space. Nothing else. And he wonders why our marriage isn’t in a good place. I cannot think of any other task he does.

I was recently out of commission for a couple of weeks and he had to take on the cooking, dishes, shopping and driving the kids. He did do those things, although I would consider at the bare minimum level. (For example okay he washed the dishes but didn’t clean the counter tops; or bought groceries but didn’t do a quick fridge clean out of anything old).

Since then it’s back to doing nothing.

He would probably say I’m a nag and that he doesn’t bother anymore because in the past I’d say he’s doing it wrong. For example. I try to point out that if I ask him to fold towels a certain way so they fit in the cupboard, that’s not nagging. If you don’t fold them in thirds they won’t fit and I’d have to redo it. And why should I have to remind him so many times about what is allowed in recycling and what isn’t. If he acted that way at his job, he wouldn’t be as successful, so why does he get to be incompetent at home?

I am just fed up. He wants more affection and intimacy in our marriage, I just want someone to lift a finger and contribute to our home life. What do your partners do around the home?

I am a little surprised at you getting a hard time.
I originally went on this board as I as in a marriage where m wife did not work, very rarely helped with any housework, and no kids nor sex life. Back then, most of MN thought I was exploiting her.
I think the self-image of Mumsnet is a super woman martyr and if you do not fit into that, you will get an unsympathetic response, even though few people can really live up to that image.
Is it possible you feel you are not respected?
I am just guessing here, do you think that you are not respected generally for your role in the family? Not just within the family?
I am not suggesting anything here, but it might be helpful for smarter people than me.

C00k · 14/01/2024 12:26

I can’t see anyone giving the Op a hard time, just unanimous posts pointing out the obvious. Not sure what the ‘self-image of Mumsnet’ is, never heard of such a thing before.

Sweden99 · 14/01/2024 12:26

Iambeyondfedup · 14/01/2024 06:47

I am a SAHM, been married for 20+ years with older kids (16 and 13). My husband works from home and has done so since January 2020.

I am very grateful that he works and provides for us, but he does next to nothing to contribute to home life. He washes his own clothes and will put his dishes in the dishwasher if it has space. Nothing else. And he wonders why our marriage isn’t in a good place. I cannot think of any other task he does.

I was recently out of commission for a couple of weeks and he had to take on the cooking, dishes, shopping and driving the kids. He did do those things, although I would consider at the bare minimum level. (For example okay he washed the dishes but didn’t clean the counter tops; or bought groceries but didn’t do a quick fridge clean out of anything old).

Since then it’s back to doing nothing.

He would probably say I’m a nag and that he doesn’t bother anymore because in the past I’d say he’s doing it wrong. For example. I try to point out that if I ask him to fold towels a certain way so they fit in the cupboard, that’s not nagging. If you don’t fold them in thirds they won’t fit and I’d have to redo it. And why should I have to remind him so many times about what is allowed in recycling and what isn’t. If he acted that way at his job, he wouldn’t be as successful, so why does he get to be incompetent at home?

I am just fed up. He wants more affection and intimacy in our marriage, I just want someone to lift a finger and contribute to our home life. What do your partners do around the home?

Also, sorry if this is a strange question....
When he does clean, does he massively overuse the cleaning products? Laundry detergent, washing up liquid etc?

gamerchick · 14/01/2024 12:35

A SAHP runs the house. They don't pick up after other adults but the house is their 'job'.

You also can't tell someone to do a chore the way you would do it either.

Maybe it's time to get paid work and then you can divvy up the chores in the house?

MrsKeats · 14/01/2024 12:36

You are being ridiculous.
Your dh could easily start a thread called 'my wife contributes nothing to the household finances'

pyjamaphile · 14/01/2024 12:38

You don’t have to quote op every time @Sweden99

Sweden99 · 14/01/2024 12:39

@pyjamaphile , Sorry! Thanks for the advice :)