Husband does nothing around the house

[Iambeyondfedup]

I am a SAHM, been married for 20+ years with older kids (16 and 13). My husband works from home and has done so since January 2020.

I am very grateful that he works and provides for us, but he does next to nothing to contribute to home life. He washes his own clothes and will put his dishes in the dishwasher if it has space. Nothing else. And he wonders why our marriage isn’t in a good place. I cannot think of any other task he does.

I was recently out of commission for a couple of weeks and he had to take on the cooking, dishes, shopping and driving the kids. He did do those things, although I would consider at the bare minimum level. (For example okay he washed the dishes but didn’t clean the counter tops; or bought groceries but didn’t do a quick fridge clean out of anything old).

Since then it’s back to doing nothing.

He would probably say I’m a nag and that he doesn’t bother anymore because in the past I’d say he’s doing it wrong. For example. I try to point out that if I ask him to fold towels a certain way so they fit in the cupboard, that’s not nagging. If you don’t fold them in thirds they won’t fit and I’d have to redo it. And why should I have to remind him so many times about what is allowed in recycling and what isn’t. If he acted that way at his job, he wouldn’t be as successful, so why does he get to be incompetent at home?

I am just fed up. He wants more affection and intimacy in our marriage, I just want someone to lift a finger and contribute to our home life. What do your partners do around the home?

I really really hate to best a woman when she's down and you sound so unhappy, but I have to agree that the issue here is not that he doesn't help around the house. I mean, as a pp has said, I would expect him to do basic things like taking bins out or wiping up a mess he made as he went, sure, but as a SAHM to.teenagers, even with health needs, keeping on top of household chores should not be hugely onerous. My dc are a bit younger and I often think that being a sahm now would not be nice, mostly just because I wouldn't be constantly rushing all the time.

So I wo der if there is more going on. As he now works from home, do you feel.stifled? That's pretty common ams totally understandable. Is he notmparticularly engages with you and/or family life - eg after work is he just sitting watching TV or instead of asking about your day, taking one of the dc to their football practice etc? What's the real issue?

Would be nice to be a SAHM now. I said "not be nice" which is 100% wrong. On app so can't edit.

Yes but OP has said she doesn't do much housework in the day as she can't disturb her DH so I don't think she is working 9-5!

You do sound as if him WFH is driving you a bit crazy, that the house used to be your 'territory' and now isn't. Has the drop in your sex life happened since the WFH, or is that longer term?

I do wonder if you going out to work would restore a bit more balance and give you time apart which MIGHT help you see him as more attractive again.

If the roles were reversed, would you expect to do.much around the house? I know I wouldn't.

Sorry but as a SAHP to teenage children, not actually even little children it is your job to maintain the home. He works. That’s his contribution. If you expect him to take an equal role in the housework then what is your contribution to the family? Absolutely nothing by the sounds of it.
Maybe you need to get a full time job and then you can expect him to step up and do housework on top of his full time working hours

I have recently gone back to work and my DH who did nothing domestic (and I was started to resent) has begun to do more.

It is really hard being the SAHP and being totally responsible for all the domestic stuff. It is ongoing and never ending and boring and proper drudgery.

I think you should get some work and then the money you could spend on a cleaner. Worth it for your marriage.

Sorry but I agree with the others. I’m a stay at home parent. Ds aged 11 has severe autism and attends complex needs school. I have lupus, Addisons and all sorts of health issues and I manage to keep on top of things at home. (Occasionally if I have a very bad flare of course dh will step in). Unless you have significant disabilities or your children are younger or at home a lot with health issues then the home stuff is your job. That’s how it works. My dh never does anything at home, his job is working full time. He will of course put his dirty washing in the laundry bin and help unload the dishwasher; that sort of stuff but I wouldn’t expect him to do washing or clean a bathroom etc.

I was going to come on and say I feel your pain but I work full time out of the house with a 6 year old. Husband has physical job full time but doesn’t even so much as put his plate in the dishwasher. I do everything. Have to be at work for 6:30 so I still get my full time wage but have to pick dd at 3pm. You literally don’t know how lucky you are.

I am also a sahm and my youngest child is 17. I don't work because I have a chronic illness but I still manage to do the vast majority of the housework.

Your Dh needs noise cancelling headphones. I have just asked my Dh who wears them, he says he doesn't hear the hoovering I do right outside his office door, he is upstairs though so I can put the washing machine and tumble dryer on when needed. I do sometimes set it to finish at 7.30am so I have done a load early.

Dh sees the house as my office as do I, so he does things my way even if he hates it because I would never tell him what to do for his office. Dh does cook half the evening meals because he loves cooking.

I do think you need to adjust your expectations. If your children are in school from 9-3 what are you doing every day?

I'm a SAHM too, and my job is to clean while my husband's is to work. If/when I'm working then the housework becomes 50/50.

Until then, whenever I catch him trying to wash the dishes or something, I remind him that he's just come home from work and it's his turn to relax

How much housework is there really to do for a family of four with two teenagers? I was also a SAHM with a child at school and my life was a breeze compared to my DH's. Even if you spend half the day on appointments with one child and a bit of ferrying around after school/weekends for the other child surely that leaves you with more than enough time .. if you follow the TOMM housework routine it can all be done in less than 30 mins a day ... add in a bit more for cooking. A recent survey in Good Housekeeping reports that 42% of reader spend 1-3 hours a week (yes, a week) doing chores ...
Unless you believe you have to do a full deep clean, wash the windows & change the sheets every single day I think you are either incredibly slow or just resentful of your DH. Maybe you need to lower your standards?

Could you not do a weekly shop on the weekends with DH? That way you have an extra set of hands to help.

Maybe ask if he’d be willing to cook lunch/dinner on a set day on the weekends. The mental load of ‘what’s for dinner’ kills me everyday tbh. It’s nice to have someone take over even just for a day.

Could your kids help clean their own room? Surely they’re old enough to help with laundry folding/putting away? Can they help with the dishwasher too?

I disagree with most posters. Just because you don’t work doesn’t mean that everything around the house has to fall back on you. There’s 3 other people living there!

Well at 13 & 16 maybe it's time you got a job then and got out of the house and then split the finances and chores 50/50?

You can also have some independence and you won't be around each other 24/7?

So YABU.

Also not buying the excuse re having to limit noise. I'm a lone parent to a 5yo and work from home 8-3 Mon- Fri. My house is clean. I hoover/mop on my lunch break. Take 10 min screen break in the morning to do laundry. 15 min screen break in the afternoon to do a bit more cleaning. Dishes as I go. Other bits and pieces in the evening and before I start work. Realistically I clean for 1 - 1.5 hours a day, that's all you need. You could vac on his lunch break and everything else would be relatively quiet to complete. Unless you live in a huge house, cleaning it isn't realistically going to be anywhere near as time consuming as his job.

I might agree with you OP if you also worked. But you dont. Many women do what you do on top of working. Taxi-ing teenagers is par for the course. Medical appointments may be more than average for your household, but again, many of us deal with that as well as trying to juggle work. The whole 'cant make a noise' excuse is bollocks. Unless youre having a rave whilst doing the washing up. Cleaning up is not a noisy job. Vacuuming can be done at weekends.
Lots of us start disliking our partners and quite often because of their lack of contribution to the household. Maybe he thinks the same way?

My husband is now retired

Despite not the best of health he manages all the housework and life admin and a significant amount of volunteer activities whilst I work

I think it might be good for you to to have a job out of the home for a while - I suspect you have found ways to make your chores fill the time you have so anything extra throws you off course

If you had to work as well you may discover the household stuff takes far less time than your currently require

My old teacher used to say "if you want something done ask a busy person " I think you are not a busy person but think you are

Think about what you need to do in a week- assuming 8hr working day

Shopping = half a day of work to make the list , shop and unpack

Cooking and clearing up adds up to a day (8hrs) a week - just over an hour a day- leaving something to stew for an hour or two doesn't account as an hours or two work because yiu are not actually doing anything )

Cleaning the house - well people would pay a cleaner for 2 or 3 hrs a week so if we allow you half a day to clean

And half a day on laundry and admin (4 hrs a week for all the 5 minute jobs )

2.5 working days spread over a week when most people like your husband and doing 5

So you need to do some recontracting with each other (and probably with the kids).

Do you ever plan together what's happening in the house?

Get a job and hire a housekeeper.

I'm afraid I am going to pile-on too. Or maybe you're a bored 15 year old baiting parents on the WWW?

If you're at home then you do the work, surely?

I don't think he's doing anything wrong. You should both get the same 'down time'. Some of your down time might be in the daytime, all of his is in the evening. He works xxxx hours a week on his paid job plus yy on household stuff (however minimal). You should expect to work the same as that total on household / parenting stuff. The driving teenagers around and appointments are all part of life ofcourse, but still should be possible to do those things and housework etc within a 45 hour (say) working week. Plenty of people work full time PLUS driving teenagers around.

DO you get the same downtime when he's off work? That would be my only gripe - if he has a week off and you still do all the housework. In which case that needs a conversation.

There are no children to be a SAHM for. If you were looking after small children all day, I would completely get your point but your day time 'job' is the running of the house.

Sorry OP, I have to agree with previous posters. I have a 12 and 14 year old (eldest with SN), work 4 days a week spread over 5 so I can be kids’ taxi driver, cook dinner etc. and housework fits in fine. I was widowed 7 years ago and what I do plus paying for 3 hours’ cleaning a week does the job. Suspect you’d be way happier working (I have DC appointments to juggle too).

YABU. Unless you live in a cavernous palace with hundreds of rooms, there’s no way you can’t keep on top of the housework during your husbands working hours, which is your fair contribution to the household imo. He pays the bills, you keep the house. What else do you think you should be doing with those hours?

You’re a stay at home mum….to children who aren’t at home. Unless they’re at medical appointments every day, then you should be the one keeping the house in check.

otherwise, get a job and then you can start moaning about splitting household chores.