Husband does nothing around the house

[Iambeyondfedup]

I am a SAHM, been married for 20+ years with older kids (16 and 13). My husband works from home and has done so since January 2020.

I am very grateful that he works and provides for us, but he does next to nothing to contribute to home life. He washes his own clothes and will put his dishes in the dishwasher if it has space. Nothing else. And he wonders why our marriage isn’t in a good place. I cannot think of any other task he does.

I was recently out of commission for a couple of weeks and he had to take on the cooking, dishes, shopping and driving the kids. He did do those things, although I would consider at the bare minimum level. (For example okay he washed the dishes but didn’t clean the counter tops; or bought groceries but didn’t do a quick fridge clean out of anything old).

Since then it’s back to doing nothing.

He would probably say I’m a nag and that he doesn’t bother anymore because in the past I’d say he’s doing it wrong. For example. I try to point out that if I ask him to fold towels a certain way so they fit in the cupboard, that’s not nagging. If you don’t fold them in thirds they won’t fit and I’d have to redo it. And why should I have to remind him so many times about what is allowed in recycling and what isn’t. If he acted that way at his job, he wouldn’t be as successful, so why does he get to be incompetent at home?

I am just fed up. He wants more affection and intimacy in our marriage, I just want someone to lift a finger and contribute to our home life. What do your partners do around the home?

The OP has not replied, to follow up up nor to answer questions. I think she did not get the response from Mumsnet she expected.

I am a SAH with teens.
H does virtually no housework.
But I don't earn any cash from a job (I have a rental but that takes care of itself really).

I think the issue is you not being "allowed" to do your work during the working hours.
Not being able to use the kitchen in the day is unfair.

I would advise that he either gets noise cancelling headphones or he soundproofs the office. Or he moves his office upstairs if you can. Honestly I would tell H to go fuck himself if he thought he could dictate my noise levels in the kitchen being a SAH. That is YOUR office/workshop.

But I would expect H to do any housework whilst I wasn't working. When ill, yes you all support each other, if you have guests, or am ill child, or you have been out all day at an appointment then yes it would either be beans in toast for dinner or takeaway. And yes when H has had to do my stuff it's not of the same standard but then I am at a loss on how to develop software.

Just cut each other some slack.
You need the kitchen in the day, you need to make that work somehow and he will never clean and cook to the same standard when needed but that's ok as well.

This is a year old but maybe you are there... I seriously cannot believe how many posts are saying you are the problem. You're complaining that he doesn't even do enough to take care of himself because washing his dish and clothes is not enough to take care of himself and everyone saying you are expecting too much. WTF. Being a SAHM doesn't mean you are his caretaker. He is exploiting you which is abusing you. Your time is not as important as his. He is using your life to make his easier while making yours harder.

I feel sorry for the lady that posted this. I have 3 teens and my husband also works from home. I am currently working part time from home but before this was full time in the house. The