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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How long to 'sort himself out'?

114 replies

InAMess2023 · 12/01/2024 16:18

And no that's not a euphemism!

Met someone online recently and had a couple of dates, we got on really well, he ticked all the boxes of what I was looking for and wanting the same things in life, and I REALLY fancied him.

Was meant to see him last week but he wasn't well, genuinely believe this as he rang to apologise for cancelling a date (definitely sounded unwell and not put on) and said he'd be off his phone mostly until he felt better. Which he was apart from the odd text.

He's now said that being so Ill was pretty much him breaking down and with everything else going on - he has a really stressful job, is studying, is renovating a property, hasn't been looking after himself - he isn't ready for a relationship just now but wants to get himself sorted first. Basically told me how amazing I am and that he's gutted that I might be snapped up by then but he'd like to stay in touch.

The thing is I never ever meet anyone I actually like! I know I'm picky but part of me thinks I should just also focus on myself for the time being and wait until he's ready. But on the other side I've no idea how long that might take him and he can't tell me how long he needs! I'm still on the dating apps but don't feel I could find better than him. I've told him I don't want to be in constant contact but we follow each other online and I've said I'll get in touch after my upcoming holiday which is 7 weeks time.

I honestly do believe him here as well and don't think I'm being naive. I feel like he's been honest enough with me about other things to just tell me if it's me or he's not feeling it.

But how long is a piece of string?!

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 12/01/2024 16:21

I'd write him off.

I've never done online dating myself, but my mum always said if a man really wants you, he'll walk over hot coals for you.

EcclesCakesPlz · 12/01/2024 16:22

Move on.

Sorry.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 12/01/2024 16:23

Move on mentally but keep the door open.

SamW98 · 12/01/2024 16:24

My guess is he’s dating others and keeping you as a back up plan.

Don't waste time waiting for this one.

Thelootllama · 12/01/2024 16:26

I wouldn't bother. Even if his story is true, he's going to need more than six weeks to short his shit out. He's telling you he doesn't want a relationship. Believe him.

CYNlC · 12/01/2024 16:28

If you can keep the door open without losing your own peace of mind, I'd do that for now. Someone I know went through similar (where a relationship needed to be put on pause in the very early stages, in this case because of bereavement) and a few months later things started to move forwards nicely.

Hatty65 · 12/01/2024 16:28

Move on. Don't give him any more head space. I would not be putting myself on ice for someone who has very clearly told you he's not ready for a relationship. He's sugar coated it - but he doesn't want to get involved.

He may or may not have been ill. It may have just been his way of cancelling a date with someone that he didn't feel it with and then fobbing you off with a load of BS. If he wanted to be with you he would.

Gloriousgardener11 · 12/01/2024 16:31

Keep him as a friend for now and see how things go.
You'll soon know if you are wasting your time.

MaxTalk · 12/01/2024 16:34

What a load of BS. Run far, far away.

EcclesCakesPlz · 12/01/2024 16:35

Why would you tell him that you will be in touch in 7 weeks?

He's told you he's not ready for a relationship.

That may be true, in which case back off.
If he's not into you, it's a kinder way of saying the same thing.

I'm sorry but after 2 dates you shouldn't be so involved emotionally or waiting for him to sort his life out.

There are other men out there and the fact you say you don't believe there are any 'better' is not how you should feel about two dates. You barely know him.

EcclesCakesPlz · 12/01/2024 16:37

I feel that if you wait for 7 weeks and contact him, you may find he doesn't respond and then it will hurt even more.

He's got your number.
If he's interested, he will run after you.

NotObligedToArgueWithStrangers · 12/01/2024 16:39

If he wanted to be with you, he would be. Don't waste your time.

Sausagesinthesky · 12/01/2024 16:41

I mean this kindly, but if he wanted to - none of this would stand in his way. He’s not that in to you and is keeping you as an option. Look elsewhere 💐

topgirlalways · 12/01/2024 16:44

I would continue to date. Just say to him to get back in touch when he is ready to date. Just tell him you liked him and was interested to see where it could go, but understands not right time.

He could be telling the truth or just spinning you a line. Date doing wait and see what’s out there. If he is telling the truth and gets bank in touch you can always go for a coffee and see if you feel the same. But don’t put your life on hold.

mu current DP. We matched in lockdown in 2020. Chatted fur ages as that’s what you could do. Got a vibe he wasn’t into me. Then he got Covid and it faded. Said he would be in touch as things were crazy. He didn’t.

randomly 2 years later matched online. I had different coloured hair and lost lots of weight. He looked different. We didn’t realise we had matched till swapped numbers. He explained he was not in a great place as stressed at work, depressed with lockdowns and just not in a great place. I understood and needed. Together 2 years.

He said it wouldn’t have worked if we dated when first matched as he had to do work on himself.

samestyle · 12/01/2024 16:49

You wouldn't let someone go you really wanted and I don't think he's the best choice if can't handle a few things going on in his life, he would likely continue to be flaky and drop you everytime something crops up.
Don't get in touch, keep looking and dating

Seaoftroubles · 12/01/2024 16:49

Move on OP, don't wait around for him to be 'ready'. Dont let him friendzone you either as that way he can keep you on the back burner whilst he is more than likely dating others. lf he was really keen there would be no confusion, you would know.

InAMess2023 · 12/01/2024 16:54

Sorry I meant to add as well that the property he's renovating is 3 hours away from where we live and he's there pretty much all the time (he works remotely) so it's not like he'll have the odd spare hour here and there to meet for coffee etc. once that's done he'll be renting it out and living back here

OP posts:
InAMess2023 · 12/01/2024 16:56

Green is me...

How long to 'sort himself out'?
OP posts:
SamW98 · 12/01/2024 16:58

Sorry OP but that screenshot is pretty clear to me he’s not interested and fobbing you off with excuses rather than being honest.

If I got that message I’d wish him well and delete his number.

CharmedCult · 12/01/2024 17:01

Reading his messages, he’s trying to let you down gently but I actually don’t think he’s genuinely leaving the door open at all.

In fact he’s probably back online dating already.

Let this one go. Delete and don’t contact him again.

CornishTiger · 12/01/2024 17:01

That screenshot is a gentle it’s not you it’s me let down but he’s not interested. Move on.

EcclesCakesPlz · 12/01/2024 17:02

OP you need to REPORT your own post and get those messages taken down.

Yes, they are anon but it's really not good to make some man's messages visible to the world.

You said the same thing in your first post.

The fact you have to post the actual messages shows over-investment.

I'd also not have used the words 'gutted' with a man I'd met twice. Be a bit less transparent.

EcclesCakesPlz · 12/01/2024 17:03

I'd forget him on the basis he can't tell write 'envisaged' correctly.

InAMess2023 · 12/01/2024 17:04

@EcclesCakesPlz why do I need to take them down? There's nothing identifiable!

OP posts:
InAMess2023 · 12/01/2024 17:05

Oh and I have ASD so that does impact the way I deal with things.

OP posts: