How long to 'sort himself out'?

[InAMess2023]

And no that's not a euphemism!

Met someone online recently and had a couple of dates, we got on really well, he ticked all the boxes of what I was looking for and wanting the same things in life, and I REALLY fancied him.

Was meant to see him last week but he wasn't well, genuinely believe this as he rang to apologise for cancelling a date (definitely sounded unwell and not put on) and said he'd be off his phone mostly until he felt better. Which he was apart from the odd text.

He's now said that being so Ill was pretty much him breaking down and with everything else going on - he has a really stressful job, is studying, is renovating a property, hasn't been looking after himself - he isn't ready for a relationship just now but wants to get himself sorted first. Basically told me how amazing I am and that he's gutted that I might be snapped up by then but he'd like to stay in touch.

The thing is I never ever meet anyone I actually like! I know I'm picky but part of me thinks I should just also focus on myself for the time being and wait until he's ready. But on the other side I've no idea how long that might take him and he can't tell me how long he needs! I'm still on the dating apps but don't feel I could find better than him. I've told him I don't want to be in constant contact but we follow each other online and I've said I'll get in touch after my upcoming holiday which is 7 weeks time.

I honestly do believe him here as well and don't think I'm being naive. I feel like he's been honest enough with me about other things to just tell me if it's me or he's not feeling it.

But how long is a piece of string?!

Bear in mind he also said he was gutted. It's not just me and my ND brain

He didn't though.

He agreed ' it might have developed into something....'

He was being kind.

The words he used to describe you were meant to soften the blow. I'm sure you are all of those things, but for whatever reason, he's not wanting to have a relationship with you.

Have you decided to step back because 99% of posters have said leave it and don't hang on.

Just try again with someone new. This wasn't a good fit.

@EcclesCakesPlz yes. He did. Just not in a message I shared as that was part of another conversation

he's gutted that I might be snapped up by then

What does he think you're doing, in a meat market or sitting in a shop window?

"What is meant for you won't pass you by"

Maybe the timing is crappy, maybe he's not ready for a relationship, who knows. Don't put yourself on hold for him. Get out there and live your life. If it's meant to work out, it will.

Sorry OP but you’re clinging onto his words when almost everyone else can see he’s telling you he’s not interested in a relationship with you.

It’s cruel if he knows you’re ND and take things more literally than others would but that screenshot really spells it out.

Sadly a lot of men are cowards and talk shit rather than just say ‘sorry it’s not for me’

Sorry He is just not that into you but see it as a positive you found out early and can move on with the search with no real heart break.

Maybe he was feeling a bit ill but I think he used this as an excuse to get out of the date and then the subsequent "I won't be on my phone for a few days" hoped you would just disappear things would fizzle but it didn't so he had to say he wasn't in the right place but did it kindly in case he ever find himself lonely one evening.

Trust all the women above and their years and years of combined experience.

It sounds like he was trying to let you down gently and you got the wrong end of the stick which is a bit awkward for you op. Just put the whole thing behind you and move on.

I feel for you. Just stay in touch as friends and see what happens. I’d be wary of waiting specifically for him though as you don’t know if he will want a relationship or even if he’s being honest about things. People here will say he’s bullshitting you, but no-one here knows that

God talk about trying to subtlety make OP feel like crap

He's just not that into you.

Don't be fooled 💐

@Zanatdy I'm really sorry, I would never dream of deliberately doing that! My apologies

Thankyou! Yes there can be unforeseen circumstances that come up, illness etc, but being in to something then suddenly realised this or that, it sounds like a bit of an excuse and by what he has said, keeping you hanging.

I've had someone in particular who to be able to meet up to fit in around my lifestyle planned on missing work, not saying that's a great idea, but again it shows if someone wants you they will make it happen whichever way they can!

Sorry but that just reads desperate take it in the right way please!
You are basically just telling him I'll still be here, waiting around.

Leave him be carry on with your life, you never know who you might meet.

When at home and feeling rough and laid up - as I am now- you end up being on your phone more, not less. That he claimed he couldn't text you when unwell for days was an excuse. Many would of seen through that and left it there. You get quite savvy about it the more OLD you do.

Don't be second best. He's rejected you - kindly. I'd move on

He just wants a pen-pal. That explains why he was on a dating site with no intention of dating.
Sorry, OP.

I've fallen for this before. It's BS. Move on, sorry.

"Met someone online recently and had a couple of dates, we got on really well, he ticked all the boxes of what I was looking for and wanting the same things in life, and I REALLY fancied him."

"he isn't ready for a relationship just now but wants to get himself sorted first."

The thing is I never ever meet anyone I actually like! I know I'm picky but part of me thinks I should just also focus on myself for the time being and wait until he's ready. But on the other side I've no idea how long that might take him and he can't tell me how long he needs! I'm still on the dating apps but don't feel I could find better than him. I've told him I don't want to be in constant contact but we follow each other online and I've said I'll get in touch after my upcoming holiday which is 7 weeks time.

I honestly do believe him here as well and don't think I'm being naive. I feel like he's been honest enough with me about other things to just tell me if it's me or he's not feeling it.

Op you're a big giant walking red flag, that he dodged.

You've become attached to a stranger...in a short amount of time. After 2 dates, you're saying that you like him a lot, and you discussed being in a relationship with a person that you barely know.. somehow you're thinking that after this short time he's ticked off all your boxes..
This is very concerning.
This doesn't show that you're picky in choosing partners.
You don't even know him, he is basically a stranger and you're acting like you're in love with him and ready to get married.

You're also ignoring what he tells you and you're pushing the narrative that he hasn't been honest with you and haven't told you that he's not ready for any relationship.

He's trying to let you down gently but you're in denial.

Then you're playing games, saying that communication will resume after 7 weeks.

You aren't entitled to him. You can't force him to be in a relationship with you, no amount of waiting is going to change that. There's nothing for waiting for you but heartbreak.

You really aren't ready for any relationship. You aren't healthy enough for dating or relationships currently..and self work is needed.
Leave him alone permanently, and work on yourself. Perhaps therapy would be beneficial.

He’s three hours away.
Not sure why he was dating in your area then - that was never going to work.
Anyway you have presumably listened to advice here and realised it’s not worth waiting for him.
Don’t message him after your holiday. If he’s waiting for that (unlikely) he can message you.

He's just being polite. He's not into you. Next!

Nah I'm sorry but you're being a bit naive! If he really wanted you then he would make it work, as why would anyone let go of something they believe to be amazing?! He doesn't have the balls to tell you he's not really feeling it, so he's fobbing you off with excuses.

Block him and move on, plenty more fish in the sea x

@KinS24 he's only there temporarily, he's from where I live and plans to move back here permanently in a few weeks/months time. I did explain that

Thanks everyone for being kind (apart from @Burntouted - you can get in the bin). I can see now he was trying to let me down gently, we did actually speak a bit after this last night - he made contact - and he says that isn't what he was trying to do but I feel like I need to find someone who still has the balls to say what he really means!

I realise it does all sound one sided but that's only based on the messages I shared. There has been times where he's come across a lot more keen than me, it's not just my ASD talking here.