How long to 'sort himself out'?

[InAMess2023]

And no that's not a euphemism!

Met someone online recently and had a couple of dates, we got on really well, he ticked all the boxes of what I was looking for and wanting the same things in life, and I REALLY fancied him.

Was meant to see him last week but he wasn't well, genuinely believe this as he rang to apologise for cancelling a date (definitely sounded unwell and not put on) and said he'd be off his phone mostly until he felt better. Which he was apart from the odd text.

He's now said that being so Ill was pretty much him breaking down and with everything else going on - he has a really stressful job, is studying, is renovating a property, hasn't been looking after himself - he isn't ready for a relationship just now but wants to get himself sorted first. Basically told me how amazing I am and that he's gutted that I might be snapped up by then but he'd like to stay in touch.

The thing is I never ever meet anyone I actually like! I know I'm picky but part of me thinks I should just also focus on myself for the time being and wait until he's ready. But on the other side I've no idea how long that might take him and he can't tell me how long he needs! I'm still on the dating apps but don't feel I could find better than him. I've told him I don't want to be in constant contact but we follow each other online and I've said I'll get in touch after my upcoming holiday which is 7 weeks time.

I honestly do believe him here as well and don't think I'm being naive. I feel like he's been honest enough with me about other things to just tell me if it's me or he's not feeling it.

But how long is a piece of string?!

*I can see now he was trying to let me down gently, we did actually speak
a bit after this last night - he made contact - and he says that isn't
what he was trying to do *

So he made contact again and you then again questioned his motives.

That's strange him contacting you to further instill he wasn't dumping you.

It makes no sense does it, no wonder you're confused.

OP I'd really encourage you to check out The Crappy Childhood Fairy on youtube. She's got some good videos where viewers write in, and she reads their letter and goes through their situation, pointing out the red flags and what they need to do. Your situation reminds me of some of those videos soooo much.

This guy is unavailable. I know all the little signs because unavailable people are an absolute magnet to me. I'm drawn to them like a moth to a flame.
If you're able to use her videos to take a step back and see this situation for what it is, I think that will help. Here's the link: https://www.youtube.com/@CrappyChildhoodFairy

But just for the record, here are the red flags:

Sudden illness and warning you he won't be on his phone much. Ill people don't talk like that. So I call BS right away, and would suggest he's either married, in a relationship or has reconnected with an ex/new option. That's what he was likely doing when he was 'ill'.
Seeming quite keen quickly is a red flag. It's called love bombing. Be wary.
Not being able to be upfront about his real intentions: if he REALLY liked you, all the things on his list wouldn't matter, he'd just date you anyway! So what's the real deal? Someone else caught his eye, or he's just not that into you? Regardless, why can't he be honest instead of lying to let you down gently? Lack of honesty is a red flag.
Please do see this situation for what it is, and examine why you're pushing hard for someone who is backing away. That isn't healthy.

You can be polite without lying.

@TheAverageJoanne exactly! He knew from very early when we started talking about my ASD and seemed to understand the type of communication I need/want from other people (not just romantic partners) - and one of those things is total honesty even if it might not be what I want to hear!

The messages are fine. They are anon. Don’t stress.

I think ‘gutted’ was a bit strong though.

I would never consider a relationship with someone who was not 100% enthusiastic from the moment there was a spark.

Anything else simply isn't good enough.

Sometimes with dating you have to be a bit ruthless.

Set your minimum standard (i.e. someone who is interested AND available AND wants to start a relationship) and stick to it, always. Don't accept less just because someone seems nice or you fancy them - you have to use your head.

People who want you to wait, people who are already in relationships or sticky situations they need to get out of, are simply not worth it in my experience.

Find someone else who's ready for you now.

If they really want to be with you then they will make it happen - if they're not making it happen then they don't want you enough.

It's that simple!

Time to take back a bit of control. Keep dating. He doesn’t seem in the right place to date. His loss.

Tbh I think people use it a lot more where I come from than in a lot of other places... I used it last week when the restaurant ran out of cauliflower cheese...

I can see now he was trying to let me down gently, we did actually speak a bit after this last night - he made contact - and he says that isn't what he was trying to do but I feel like I need to find someone who still has the balls to say what he really means!

Either he's a bit of head case or he likes messing with your head.
To say he doesn't want a relationship and then contact you again makes no sense. I'm taking a guess here that you contacted him simply because you've been very unwilling to accept the 'vote' here that he's not available for you.

Did you make contact to try to force him to be more explicit?

Many men are cowards. They give all sorts of reasons not to carry something forward. He's one of them and if you allow him to mess with your head, he will.
Some women need to be told very brutally that it's not going to happen and it comes over as if you won't take his heavy hints (and need it spelling out.)

Relationships aren't this hard work if they are meant to be.

@EcclesCakesPlz no, he contacted me. He has said he wants to keep in touch with me but I don't want to. I've made it very clear that due to my ASD I need brutal honestly, not sure why you're repeating that back to me when I've said it several times already

Maybe I'm misunderstanding. Because if you want brutal honestly, you're not getting it from this guy. He's playing mind games. Clearly feels guilty he's let you down when you told him you were 'gutted' or he's using you as a back burner option and keeping you invested.

He's told you he doesn't want a relationship.

If you don't want to keep in touch then I assume you've blocked his number or any other way he can message you.

If you've not, your actions don't match your words.

I can do empathise with this. The instance I talk about above. He pursued me, said he didn't want anything, kept pursuing me until I very reluctantly had to call it a day. All the while I look like the needy one, where as I was just straight and not playing. I know he likes me but he's messed up, I showed my honest hand and he is in the lovely position of knowing someone out there likes him. The whole way through now in hindsight he gave me minimum information just caring looks, remembering every single thing I said to him, buying me a Christmas present, calling me for help on something only last week.

I remember shouting down the phone one day - what do you want from me!!? The horrifically annoying this is which is the same as you OP I really enjoyed his company so much and I even miss him now, but he seems to have an inability to be fully honest and straight. That's the thing with undefined relationships, some ambiguity arises and you feel you can't prod as well you're only casual. I am not ASD but I work in a similar way, brutal truth, comes with age, no capacity for BS. However 2 months on and he is still in touch every now and then carefully. He likes to know I'm there I think and of course like a total idiot I miss him so much. I really empathise. Ho early I think he is just so mixed up and ultimately it's the 'Him Show' and nothing else.

@HelpWendy Why on earth don't you block him?
Why are you allowing him to behave like this?
He's getting his kicks from the push-pull behaviour. (look that up online- it's thing.)

Could I know I am going to see him around and that just makes it more awkward in the future. These things fizzle out, as long as I have it straight and my view on it, I'm okay. That's my approach.