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Original poster

How long to 'sort himself out'?

114 replies

InAMess2023 · 12/01/2024 16:18

And no that's not a euphemism!

Met someone online recently and had a couple of dates, we got on really well, he ticked all the boxes of what I was looking for and wanting the same things in life, and I REALLY fancied him.

Was meant to see him last week but he wasn't well, genuinely believe this as he rang to apologise for cancelling a date (definitely sounded unwell and not put on) and said he'd be off his phone mostly until he felt better. Which he was apart from the odd text.

He's now said that being so Ill was pretty much him breaking down and with everything else going on - he has a really stressful job, is studying, is renovating a property, hasn't been looking after himself - he isn't ready for a relationship just now but wants to get himself sorted first. Basically told me how amazing I am and that he's gutted that I might be snapped up by then but he'd like to stay in touch.

The thing is I never ever meet anyone I actually like! I know I'm picky but part of me thinks I should just also focus on myself for the time being and wait until he's ready. But on the other side I've no idea how long that might take him and he can't tell me how long he needs! I'm still on the dating apps but don't feel I could find better than him. I've told him I don't want to be in constant contact but we follow each other online and I've said I'll get in touch after my upcoming holiday which is 7 weeks time.

I honestly do believe him here as well and don't think I'm being naive. I feel like he's been honest enough with me about other things to just tell me if it's me or he's not feeling it.

But how long is a piece of string?!

OP posts:
Singingasong · 12/01/2024 17:06

He’s definitely telling you it’s a non-starter. I would not wait around.

SamW98 · 12/01/2024 17:09

InAMess2023 · 12/01/2024 17:04

@EcclesCakesPlz why do I need to take them down? There's nothing identifiable!

It’s a private conversation and sharing online isn’t the right thing to do

DuchessPotato · 12/01/2024 17:11

InAMess2023 · 12/01/2024 17:05

Oh and I have ASD so that does impact the way I deal with things.

Did you tell him this? I found your text a little full on for two dates, that’s why I ask.

I think he’s blown you off gently to be honest.

Original poster
InAMess2023 · 12/01/2024 17:11

I genuinely just thought adding the messages would give context. Plenty of posts on here include way more personal text conversations than this. Nobody knows who he is, nobody knows who I am, it's not like he's going to read mumsnet and see for himself...

OP posts:
Jennalong · 12/01/2024 17:14

He's letting you down gently , move on and don't give him a second thought.

EcclesCakesPlz · 12/01/2024 17:14

InAMess2023 · 12/01/2024 17:04

@EcclesCakesPlz why do I need to take them down? There's nothing identifiable!

It doesn't matter that his name isn't there.

It was meant for you- not the world to see it.

Look on it as a betrayal of trust.

someone else may snatch a screen shot of it and know who he is. You've given quite a few details about his life.

Mitherations · 12/01/2024 17:15

This is a bloke who's not interested in you letting you know. You're interest in him, absolutely, but the feeling isn't mutual and he's as much as said so. He thinks you're sweet and he doesn't want to hurt your feelings, but watch his actions rather than take his words literally.

EcclesCakesPlz · 12/01/2024 17:16

The fact that other people put screen shots of private chats on social media doesn't make them right.

How would you feel if your own conversations, meant only for the recipient, were out there for anyone to read?

Martinii · 12/01/2024 17:17

Op I used to chase men endlessly, but since being single for 3 years, my perspective has changed so much. Firstly, I'd question why on earth someone has taken the time to set up online dating and go on dates and suddenly realise "they need to sort stuff out"? The stuff you describe that's going on in his life isn't stuff that's just suddenly come about overnight!

His text sounds like he's letting you down gently, which is good on your part because he's a time waster.

usernother · 12/01/2024 17:18

He's dumped you in a nice way and has used excuses as to why. You liked him more than he liked you. Let it go.

SamW98 · 12/01/2024 17:24

InAMess2023 · 12/01/2024 17:11

I genuinely just thought adding the messages would give context. Plenty of posts on here include way more personal text conversations than this. Nobody knows who he is, nobody knows who I am, it's not like he's going to read mumsnet and see for himself...

It’s still a private conversation so very poor form to share it

OddityOddityOdd · 12/01/2024 17:24

People who have shit to sort out will always have shit to sort out. It never stops. If you want a proactive person who meets challenges head on and to takes them in their stride, this is not the one for you. If you're happy with a procrastinator who can't make a decision or take timely and appropriate action to clear their shit then waste as much time as you like on this person. They will not change anymore than an alcoholic or compulsive gambler will.

SleighAnotherDay · 12/01/2024 17:24

Sorry OP but in my view that's a brush off. No matter what he says, or the chemistry, he's nicely letting you know nothing is going to happen I think. I've heard that kind of thing from a guy on OLD before and know from friends who are online dating it comes up regularly for them too. There's always something, some kind of big project or crisis, and it'll take a while to sort out. In my case we had great chemistry, that fantastic rare spark, loads in common, great conversations, it felt like one in a million chance as I rarely hit it off with OlD dates, and all seemed very very nice. But shortly after confirming our third or fourth date I got a text saying something like his ex wife had suddenly fallen seriously sick so he was sorting out a lot for their children, back and forth to hospital visits, he'd be in a better place for a relationship after a few weeks/a month etc etc. It was a shame but I just wished him well and then mentally wrote him off. I felt like it was a weird excuse to be made up for just a few dates (surely just say no, sorry not feeling it, bye) but even if it was true, then he'd certainly need more time than just a few weeks to deal with life. It's a shame but I'd move on from this one sharpish.

Catoo · 12/01/2024 17:26

It’s pretty obviously his way of saying he isn’t interested in you.

He wrote this: I don’t want a relationship with you. It’s not you, it’s me.

This is a classic way of being ‘kind’ when you dump someone.

You had two dates. Chalk it up to experience and move on. If he genuinely felt you had a connection he would not risk you finding someone else.

Do not contact him again 💐

Franklyfrost · 12/01/2024 17:41

It’s the classic ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ line. Sorry.

SpringleDingle · 12/01/2024 17:44

I’d wait exactly 10 seconds. No dude is worth putting your whole life on hold for!

Whataretheodds · 12/01/2024 17:48

I agree with PP. He's not suggested staying in touch, he's made no promises. He's not the one for you.

JadziaD · 12/01/2024 17:51

OP - he's breaking up with you. The comment re maybe in a few months was simply because you had said how you felt good about him etc... he was throwing you a bone.

Move on. Sorry because it's hard when you really like someone.

EcclesCakesPlz · 12/01/2024 17:52

Why would he be OLD if he has so much on his plate?

That's not going to change overnight. So that's not the reason.

When people date, they can be unsure after the first date, arrange a second date to see how it feels, then opt out of a third date.

He's being kind and trying not to hurt you.

stealthninjamum · 12/01/2024 17:53

I’m sorry op, I am another one who thinks he is trying to dump you in a kind way. It is so hard to meet someone that you have a chemistry with that if it were me I would do what it takes to get to know them no matter what else was going on in my life.

i would suggest that you delete his number and messages so that you’re not tempted to contact him. Then carry on your life - dating etc - and maybe if he gets back in touch with you in a few weeks/ months consider a date if you’re still interested.

CheekyHobson · 12/01/2024 17:53

I think the whole “I never saw any of this coming and maybe I’ll be fine in a few months and things might work out then” really indicates a lack of self-awareness in him and a lack clarity about what he really needs/wants/has to do to sort his shit out.

However great he seems on the surface, this is a pretty big red flag and I don’t imagine it’s a new situation for him. I’d significantly demote him in your mind and focus on meeting other people who are in a better place for a relationship. Maybe he’ll come back in a few months if he really can’t get you out of his head but I wouldn’t be waiting around hoping for that to happen.

ItsBeenRaining · 12/01/2024 17:54

Have you had sex with him ?

He's probably in a relationship already and just uses old for kicks.

Has he come off the dating app.

Original poster
InAMess2023 · 12/01/2024 17:57

ItsBeenRaining · 12/01/2024 17:54

Have you had sex with him ?

He's probably in a relationship already and just uses old for kicks.

Has he come off the dating app.

No we didn't have sex and yes he's left the app - he told me he hadn't been on it since we met other than to look at my pics but he could have been lying of course...

OP posts:
ItsBeenRaining · 12/01/2024 18:00

To be fair he sounds a bit wary and frightened of your response op, in the text.

millymog11 · 12/01/2024 18:01

Not read the whole thread but have read the OP and a few of the other OP posts.

I am old (far too old) and have had some seriously unsuccessful relationships in my time.
If I could go back and give my younger self some advice now, it would be the saying which seems to be in fashion at the moment. Oh how true it is. It goes like this.

"If someone tells you who they are (whether by their actions or even if they come out with it in their words) believe them".

From the OP he is not asking you "hold on a week" he is very literally saying to you he does not want a relationship right now

I think that is blunt enough to take it that he does not want a relationship. Listen to him and accept what he is saying and move on.