How long to 'sort himself out'?

[InAMess2023]

And no that's not a euphemism!

Met someone online recently and had a couple of dates, we got on really well, he ticked all the boxes of what I was looking for and wanting the same things in life, and I REALLY fancied him.

Was meant to see him last week but he wasn't well, genuinely believe this as he rang to apologise for cancelling a date (definitely sounded unwell and not put on) and said he'd be off his phone mostly until he felt better. Which he was apart from the odd text.

He's now said that being so Ill was pretty much him breaking down and with everything else going on - he has a really stressful job, is studying, is renovating a property, hasn't been looking after himself - he isn't ready for a relationship just now but wants to get himself sorted first. Basically told me how amazing I am and that he's gutted that I might be snapped up by then but he'd like to stay in touch.

The thing is I never ever meet anyone I actually like! I know I'm picky but part of me thinks I should just also focus on myself for the time being and wait until he's ready. But on the other side I've no idea how long that might take him and he can't tell me how long he needs! I'm still on the dating apps but don't feel I could find better than him. I've told him I don't want to be in constant contact but we follow each other online and I've said I'll get in touch after my upcoming holiday which is 7 weeks time.

I honestly do believe him here as well and don't think I'm being naive. I feel like he's been honest enough with me about other things to just tell me if it's me or he's not feeling it.

But how long is a piece of string?!

Get a good looking friend to message him, there lies your answer.
Most men use several apps.

People who are dating need to realise that the kinder thing to do if you’re just not feeling it with someone, is to be clear about that.

Rather than fannying around with messages like “it’s just not the right time”, “I’ve a lot going on”, “I’m not in the right headspace”, etc.

Totally agree. I’ve had the ‘not sure I’m in the right place’ texts to which I’ve replied ‘ok let’s leave it there then. Wish you well’ and deleted their number.

Im always honest if I’m not feeling it. It’s not nice but it’s the right thing to do

Adding to the chorus of he's putting you on the back burner. He thinks he can find someone "better" but wants to keep you in reserve in case he can't. I had a friend who was in a similar situation. He kept her dangling for months.

If someone wants to be with you, they make it work. No matter what. Having a good partner alleviates stress. It doesn't add to it. If he's going through a hard time and genuinely wanted to make it work with you, that would be the fun in his life! A break from the stress. Why would he get rid of the one good thing in his life unless he doesn't see it that way?

I would bet my mortgage he’s still online

When men say "I'd like to stay in touch" in situations like this, my interpretation of that is not "just give it 48 hours and I will have stepped up and will be ready to impress you and be the man you always wanted"

What they mean by "I'd like to stay in touch" is

• men do not "turn women down" its like some kind of anathema to men that they might either reject or lose an opportunity with a women who they might objectively consider to be sexually attractive.
• the "I'd like to stay in touch" is for the benefit of the man not for the benefit of you. It is his ego talking. Its like he is talking to himself. He is saying to himself "Are you nuts? You are passing up the opportunity of some great sex! You are letting yourself down!" But they know they cannot deliver on what the woman wants so they let themselves off the hook by saying "Lets stay in touch".
• The "lets stay in touch" soothes the man because he thinks "I'm a stud, I did not reject her, I put her in my address book with all the other women I did not pursue for whatever reason (usually something to do with themselves) but its ok because I did not turn down sex. I am fine.

Summary: Move on. Don't waste your life on this guy.

@CharmedCult oh if only...

At least he's better than the last one who ghosted me on the morning we were due to meet despite calling me the night before to confirm!

Do you think he got spooked?

Genuinely no idea... I do think the illness was genuine and it was him who did all the arranging for the date that got cancelled...

I think you should leave it for sure. You're already invested and you have to detach from.the idea of him. Don't block but delete all your messages, wallow for a bit and then move on.

Really tough when you liked him so much, but the thing is you couldn't know him as well as you thought or this wouldn't have happened. More more than likely you liked your expectations of him rather than who he was himself.

Interesting analysis, but I think when men say "let's stay in touch", it's far more simple and just usually code for:

"I'm sorry but I don't want to pursue things sexually / romantically with you, but I think you're a nice person nonetheless."

....with the subtext: "In reality, I won't actually stay in touch though, and this will probably be the last you'll ever hear from me."

If you believe him then I'd leave a door ajar but I wouldn't stop looking. Spend time on yourself, have a date of someone looks interesting, drop him a line after your holiday if you remember. Just see what happens

When you have ASD you tend to take things at face value. But reading between the lines he’s letting you down gently and making excuses. He doesn’t want to pursue a relationship with you. People with ASD often tend to fixate on people, especially because they don’t connect with many people, so when they do connect with someone they think it’s the real thing. Kindly, you need to let go and forget about him. You’ve misinterpreted who he is and what he wants. I say this as a fellow person with ASD who has been there.

I would just leave him to it. Live your life to the max and if he decides to pop up some time later you can then think about it based on your situation then. Don't waste your time waiting/thinking of him.

The first red flag was claiming he’d be off his phone for a few days while he was ill. Unless he was in a medically induced coma, this was clearly bollocks.
I agree with PP who says you have probably taken things at face value when in reality he was using some well-worn rejection messages. And with most apps, if he has unmatched you, it might appear to you that he has left the app when in fact he’s still on there.
It’s hard when you get into this situation but in future, try not to get so invested after only 2 dates.

He shouldn't have been on line dating or meeting up if this is how is life is at the moment.
I'm sorry but l don't believe him.

My husband did this to me haha!

I was angry and blocked him. He turned up 3 months later on my doorstep with flowers, a new job, anti depressants and a refurbished house. He did genuinely need to sort his shit out.

Your guy sounds a bit disinterested though OP!

I said to my children never start a relationship with someone who isn't excited and pleased to see you and who doesn't want to see you whenever he can.

Dump this guy.

I got this once from a guy, hence my responding. It gutted me. I had pursued me for about six months, not like a maniac, but for long enough for me know he was interested. I let my guard down and saw him for about six months, such chemistry and just ease and then boom it stopped literally overnight and then I got a visit to say his ex had been in touch. The funny thing is he kept asking to see me and stole a kiss or a few until I confronted him and asked him had he been with his ex and he confirmed he had, staying that she was going through a hard time with her kids and then he had to support her blaa blaa. I bought it initially and thought oh he's a good guy but then he wouldn't let go of me until I had to call it a day. He sniffs around. I do always wonder what could have happened.

He had pursued me...!

I feel like there's a lot getting caught up in whether he is being genuine or not and I would argue it doesn't matter.

Even if we give this the benefit of the doubt, and he's being completely honest, you simply cannot wait for someone who isn't ready.

What does that even look like?

Do you meet up? Text? Platonically or more? Are you flirty? Do you have sex? How close do you get?

After two dates you are "gutted" and think you wouldn't meet anyone better. In six months how attached will you be? It's going to be terrible for you mentally, liking someone so much and constantly being kept on the hook waiting for him to be ready. People who aren't ready for relationships don't suddenly become ready six weeks later.

So you'll keep in touch and then how long will you wait for him to be ready before giving up? Isn't he going to feel that pressure that he's being waited for? How will he sort stuff out while he knows you're waiting? He's going to feel rushed.

What if you stay friendly for months and eventually he meets someone else? Will you be gutted? Angry? Will he have to feel guilty? Because if he can't get into a guilt-free relationship then you're not just friends.

And if you're not just friends then you're in some weird messy situation where you're not in a relationship but you have a lot of the restrictions that come with one. It is not going to be worth it and is going to end badly.

Sometimes "not the right time" is genuine. I have an ex that I think if I'd met a few years later I would probably have stayed with. But it didn't work out that way and I am happy that I met my husband instead.

I do get it. I have had similar situations. From your posts and the screenshots I would read about limerence and consider whether you get attached to people too easily. Two dates is really still in the stranger territory.

The fact you're openly telling him you're gutted as he rejects you and immediately telling him that he is free to come back any time and pick you up is really quite intense for so early on. I would leave this one behind OP.

While I agree with other posters that you shouldn't now pursue him, and without wanting to raise your hopes unnecessarily, I just wanted to say that this happened to me once and he DID get back in touch after a little while and we had a relationship. Like you, I was gutted when after a couple of amazing dates he said he had a load going on and couldn't at that stage continue. I got back on the horse as it were and had a few dates with someone else who I wasn't really into (turned out to be a nutter actually but that's another story!), then original guy got back in touch, I think after a month or so (this was about 10 years ago hence the fogginess on detail). I was genuinely surprised but we met for a date and got together properly at that point. Similar happened to me back in the early noughties too when i snogged someone at a party who said give me a few weeks to sort some stuff in his life out. Again, didn't think he'd be back but he was and we went out for 2 years (admittedly this was before OLD which might have added some complexity).

So, I don't think this guy is definitely wanting to cut ties for good. That said I'd try to move on but without losing all faith in humanity/men and you never know.

Honestly if he is into you he is into you. If he were he wouldn’t have suggested that. Love can’t wait. I say at least he had the decency to tell you. Most just ghost women these days. He probably met someone else and is giving you hope just in case.

You're wasting far too much head space on this guy. Do not put your life on hold for someone who doesn't know what they want.

I've told him I don't want to be in constant contact but we follow each other online and I've said I'll get in touch after my upcoming holiday which is 7 weeks time.

This is very cringe-worthy.

Kindly, you're not picking up the signals.

Maybe because of your ASD you've taken his 'being busy' too literally.

What he's really saying is 'No' but because you've got a massive crush on him, you are hoping he really is just sorting himself out and will be available in time.

Please don't contact him after your holiday.
Just imagine how you'll feel if you do that and he's blocked you.
Or he throws you a few crumbs (trying to be kind) and you are pulled in further when it's not going anywhere.

And really try not to show your hand so soon.
Telling a man you're gutted after two dates is enough to send anyone running for the hills. It's too much.