Ghosted by a close friend

[Lowin2024]

2 years ago my oldest friend suddenly dropped me out of nowhere and although I have moved on, I never stop wondering why.

We had been best friends since primary school and stayed close all the way through school, university, first jobs etc. I was there for her when she went through a difficult pregnancy and PND, bringing her food and checking in regularly. Our kids went to different schools but we met for playdates and my husband and I went out for dinner with her and her husband fairly regularly. Last time I saw her was 2 years ago, we met at her house and had a coffee whilst the kids played. It was a totally normal meeting, we finished with a hug and a see you soon. She never spoke to me again.

I next messaged a month or so later saying let’s get together soon and she never replied. Then it was her birthday so I sent a happy birthday message which was ignored. I left it a while before sending one more message saying I missed her and let’s catch up and she didn’t respond. For a few months she would “like” my photos on social media but then that stopped too. I’m a people pleaser but even I knew to stop there, I didn’t want to embarrass myself by pushing it any further so I stopped messaging too.

We are quite different people; she’s very outgoing, confident and works in a very high paid job and has quite a flash lifestyle whereas I am quieter and work in a caring profession and don’t live quite as luxuriously. My husband thinks I simply don’t suit her lifestyle anymore and she’s too busy to make time for me. Maybe he’s right. I just wish I knew why as I know for sure I haven’t done anything that might have upset her!

I guess I’m just wondering if anyone else has been in this situation before? I wonder if I will ever stop wondering why. She meant a lot to me.

She’s moved on, and ‘just not that into you’ to use a well worn phrase.
As much as it sucks, a one sided friendship isn’t going to work.

I just wish I had been as aware of the situation as you are, when I was the ghosted friend. I ‘chased’ the friendship for too long. In my case, I wasn’t physically there daily (we are 200 miles apart), she has a teenager and apparently “I do not understand her reality”, I was no longer interesting having changed our living arrangements and jobs and finally I refused to give her any money towards a business adventure or her daily living costs.
Tbf life is a lot less drama llama and cheaper now she’s waltzed away. So there can be a silver lining!

Thanks for your reply. Honestly I don’t blame you chasing it, it’s so hard to let it go when you don’t know why. I must have written so many messages and just deleted them without sending because what’s the point. You’re right. Clearly I didn’t mean as much to her as she meant to me. I’m not lonely, I have lots of friends. It was just a special one, that first friendship.

I understand, its just the not knowing that is so frustrating. Why cant people just say, its because of xyz? Have you asked her direct why? I know she probably wont answer. I remember similar happening with a friend of mine. I eventually asked why I was no longer invited me to anything. She gave me some lame excuse, she didn't organise that particular event, blah blah blah. But it was clearly something. I never did found out. I just had to move on 🙁

I once ghosted someone and I genuinely do feel awful about it but not enough to go back.

Not an old friend, but someone I became acquainted with while on my first mat leave. On my 2nd mat leave, now with toddlers in tow, I can't quite understand how but we were suddenly meeting regularly (our toddlers got on so well) and I felt like there was this expectation to spend a lot of time together. I felt so suffocated and there were other very stressful events going on in my life during that time.

I really felt like I was in a relationship that I didn't want. Her name coming up in the phone would make my stomach fall. Even thinking about it now, it still does.

Thing is, she was lovely. She did absolutely nothing wrong. I just couldn't be that person for her. Objectively, I really admire her going out and making friends as she was far away from where she grew up and her old friends but it was too much for me and I took the coward's way out and blocked her.

She didn't do anything wrong though, that's my point.

Ghosting is the worst possible way to end a friendship and is completely disgusting particularly with a long friendship like that. It's a cowards way out and deeply hurtful
How do I know? I've been there ten years ago. Not totally over it it was humiliating

I just wanted to say thank you for all the supportive replies. I was half expecting people to say “you must have done something wrong, what are you hiding” 😂
I totally agree it’s a cowardly way to end such a long relationship and yes, I feel humiliated. I really cared about her and it feels so crap to be so easily cast aside.
I never asked why. I have drafted messages so many times asking why and deleted them. I doubt she would reply. One thing that hurts is that she now appears to be best of friends with a girl we went to school with. She wasn’t a friend of ours at school at all, but she is a similarly high earner to her so I guess their lifestyles align and she thinks I’m not good enough maybe. It’s like I’ve been replaced.

Please just let her go OP. You will drive yourself insane with the whys and wherefores. The thing is you did nothing wrong. If you have to constantly try to go over things to see if you can come up with a reason and still come up none the wiser then you did nothing wrong.
Let her get on with it with this other woman. If she hasn’t the balls to even answer you well she is not worth knowing. I know it really hurts but she has deliberately ignored you, she honestly does not deserve any more of your time or your energy. Cut the cord now and get on with your life. She’s not worth it.

Op its hurtful I had the same. Looking back felt it suited her meeting me she wasnt working. I dont know I dont feel the same about her now. I wouldnt get used again. She got in touch but was only to find out did daughter get her college!!

I was ghosted by a friend a few years back. We met while training 12 years ago, lived fairly near each other and both became teachers. We didn’t have a huge amount in common but we got on well and used to speak weekly/meet up once a month or so. I suddenly realised something had changed and I was always the one to initiate a chat or a meet up. So I didn’t and that was that. I was really sad about it for a while and considered saying something but never did and life has moved on. I think about her sometimes and wonder what it was all about. I have my thirties but will never know for sure. She didn’t have many close friends.. maybe it just wasn’t for her.
I hope you can find closure. Maybe message her. What have you got to lose?

I don’t think I will. It almost feels embarrassing at this point to dredge it up. She will probably feel sorry for me and I don’t need her pity. I’m sad for all of you who have had the same thing happen. It’s quite depressing how nasty women can be.

The worst part is you never really get closure because you never find out why. It's kinder to yourself to move forward because you sort of give yourself your own closure by choosing not to dwell on it. The truth is there can be all sorts of reasons for ghosting and it isn't necessary because of you.

It's happened to me too OP. Literally no reason whatsoever- there were no arguments (we never once had an argument or even a cross word), everything was fine, we always laughed so much together, shared our feelings, the support was completely mutual/reciprocal and then one day BOOM- literally no contact at all. This was a 15 year friendship just gone.

I spent ages wracking my brains as to why but I'm left with nothing- I cant think of a single bloody thing that could have caused it (and I'm fairly self reflective so very open to admitting my flaws/faults etc).

Ive seen in other threads about this people saying "just ring them and find out" but frankly, if you've tried to get in touch multiple times with caring messages and been completely ignored it feels utterly humiliating to keep trying- it feels desperate and like you're chasing them. I don't want to feel that way, it makes me feel like crap to be doing that so I have accepted it and moved on. I am not going to be running after someone who clearly doesnt want to talk to me about it. Personally, I find it really cowardly- she could easily have said "I'm not in a place right now where I can contact you- I'll be back in touch when I am ready" or something and I would have completely respected that and given her space as I get people sometimes go through times when they feel burnt out etc.

I've come to realise that ghosting is way more about that person than anything you did or did not do (barring abusive/toxic relationships obviously). It speaks volumes about who they are as a person and none of it good. My advice is to move on, you'll likely never get "closure" and even if you did it would probably be some lame, stupid reason. There are so many wonderful people out there who deserve your time and effort- focus on them.

Hi
I am sorry this has happened to you. I am 58 and this has just happened to me. I messaged a friend about an update she had given me about her adult daughter's health issues. She read it and didn't reply. I left it a day and then messaged again apologising for asking a few questions and she's ignored that. This is the second issue of this nature that has happened lately. Another old neighbour sent me a note saying her adult son had died 2 years ago; I sent flowers and a card saying how sorry I am and remembering the lovely young boy he was when we lived next door. She's also ignored all this. I feel I am not gauging how to respond to adult women. I am so confused. I grew up with only brothers who my mother treated as mini Gods, and she clearly didn't like me so I haven't had close relationships with women. I was very popular at school- I don't know why and was voted Head Girl by the staff and students. I have quite a few friends but not extremely close relationships as I don't know how to be that close to a friend and feel a bit suffocated by that style of friendship. Can anybody help me work out what I've done wrong though. Thanks xxx

I was ghosted by a friend who I supported through her divorce, let her stay at mine when she was struggling, introduced her to my friends and involved her in our nights out and weekends away and introduced her to a new partner.

Within a couple of months being with the new guy - who was someone I’d known as an acquaintance for years - she deleted me on SM and ghosted me.

A few months later I saw them out at a party do made a point of going and saying hello. He was friendly and welcoming, she made a snidey comment and turned away.

At that point I knew it was a her problem and not me who had done anything.

That was 5 years ago. A few months ago I bumped into them born at a local bar. He came over and said hi how was I etc. He said he’d bring her over but are stayed over the other side of the bar and blanked me. Oh well

Can anybody help me work out what I've done wrong though

I don't think you can expect someone who lost their child to be sending thank you notes or messages for flowers. They're grieving. I wouldnt expect a response to that. It's not that she's ignoring you, she's in the midst of grief which is all consuming. Same regarding your friend whose daughter has health issues- I'd have just sent a supportive message and not expected a reply.

These people are deeply upset and sending a reply to you probably won't even be on their radar or even enter their minds. Give them some space and time to process it all. You didnt do anything wrong but you are being unreasonable for expecting them to reply to you quickly in times of great stress.

Thank you. Yes, I'm sure you're correct rockwater. I think it's because they both reached out to me in the first place. Anyway, nothing I can do now- I'm just an overthinker x

I agree its hurtful even when you an adult. People use you too or what can you do for them. Good life lessons learned I think. Im 50. It still hurts at times.

This happened to me. Not with such an old friend, but a really close friend I'd known a long time.

I'll never stop wondering, but I accept that now and it's not frustrating anymore. I could never be friends again with someone who had done this, so it's all in the past, and there will never be an explanation.

Eventually the wondering comes with a shrug and nothing more.

Her behaviour isn't about you, OP. You couldn't make someone be so disrespectful, even if you tried. It's about her.

Absolutely it’s cowardly, and very hurtful. A close friend of decades ghosted me four years ago and I still don’t know why. I call it a living bereavement.

As a general rule people dont ghost people for no reason
this is why it’s so shit for you as you don’t know the reason …
did you upset her
has she got some problems you don’t know about
are there some painful memories and triggers associated with you

that said , it’s her decision to not communicate

personally I’d delete and block on all channels
you don’t know to see her , it’s hurtful

if she ever comes back you ask her
otherwise all you can do is remove all traces and protect yourself

I maybe not what you think , I wasted years of my life living with a highly manipulative covert narcissist.free now but
his speciality was isolating me, looking back he started with little comments
things like that friend is using you , you put to much into the friendship and get nothing back
etc etc over years when you are in this whole coercive control crap
you just don’t see it , I lost a good friend and my dear cousin, and many others ,
it’s so difficult to explain I can’t even start to mend those bridges, I’m a successful businesswoman, my ex also used to pick holes in anyone who worked for me
comments like
he’s ripping you off etc
over and over , because they profess to love you men like my ex over time can ruin all your friendships and relationships .
your friend maybe in some control situation

Sorry you have been through this. It really is shit that she couldn't just tell you why so that you could get some closure and move on.

I have been in a similar situation, my 'best friend' basically dropped off the face of the earth when I had my first child and suffered badly with PND. Communication here and there and a lot of life events later I got married last year (didn't invite her purely because we don't speak anymore, why would I?) Then a couple of weeks later she bumped into my DH on a night out obviously very drunk and cried to him about the friendship ending how she regrets it blah blah and was upset she wasn't invited to the wedding?! Then a couple of days later I got a message off her explaining that she was sorry, it's a regret she will have forever not being there for me when I needed her and she hated that it had come to her missing my wedding day. She admitted she was a shit friend and she will always love me. I appreciated the apology (even though it took 5 years!!!!) but weirdly I didn't feel better knowing, I just felt sad. I have tried again to make the friendship with her work since then because I do miss her and again she's just gone very distant with me and made it clear she doesn't want a friendship. All very very confusing. It's been 6 years now and I still think of her a lot but am learning to come to peace with it and hope one day I won't think of her at all. I hope her get your explanation and apology one day.

I've been ghosted and I have also ghosted someone. I think I was ghosted because my 'friend' didn't feel I fitted in with her when I split up from my kids dad. She didn't like the dating etc.

I ghosted someone who was very offensive and opinionated about another friend and I couldn't be bothered to explain why, because I knew she'd never have accepted it.

I think you behaved really unkindly. If she'd done something wrong or been obnoxious fair enough but you'd got no concrete reason other than some vague feelings there was an expectation. Was this person demanding? I'm glad you feel awful about it. You absolutely deserve to. I detest ghosters. It causes so much misery and unless for safety reasons it's unnecessary.

I blocked someone on all platforms but that was because of repetitive flakiness. I called her out on it and then blocked her. She however was a pain in the bum.

It definitely does feel like a bereavement.