Ghosted by a close friend

[Lowin2024]

2 years ago my oldest friend suddenly dropped me out of nowhere and although I have moved on, I never stop wondering why.

We had been best friends since primary school and stayed close all the way through school, university, first jobs etc. I was there for her when she went through a difficult pregnancy and PND, bringing her food and checking in regularly. Our kids went to different schools but we met for playdates and my husband and I went out for dinner with her and her husband fairly regularly. Last time I saw her was 2 years ago, we met at her house and had a coffee whilst the kids played. It was a totally normal meeting, we finished with a hug and a see you soon. She never spoke to me again.

I next messaged a month or so later saying let’s get together soon and she never replied. Then it was her birthday so I sent a happy birthday message which was ignored. I left it a while before sending one more message saying I missed her and let’s catch up and she didn’t respond. For a few months she would “like” my photos on social media but then that stopped too. I’m a people pleaser but even I knew to stop there, I didn’t want to embarrass myself by pushing it any further so I stopped messaging too.

We are quite different people; she’s very outgoing, confident and works in a very high paid job and has quite a flash lifestyle whereas I am quieter and work in a caring profession and don’t live quite as luxuriously. My husband thinks I simply don’t suit her lifestyle anymore and she’s too busy to make time for me. Maybe he’s right. I just wish I knew why as I know for sure I haven’t done anything that might have upset her!

I guess I’m just wondering if anyone else has been in this situation before? I wonder if I will ever stop wondering why. She meant a lot to me.

Yes I've had this. It was more painful than losing any man from my life.

I don't know when but at some point I thought "I would never treat any person like she has treated me... Hang on, it's HER that is not good enough for ME. I misjudged her but now I've seen she's capable of this sort of behaviour I don't miss her anymore." And I don't.

@Mrsgreen100

Tbh I think the ex friend I posted about is in a controlling relationship. I just get that vibe from the few times I’ve seen them together, she seems to have shrunk while he’s playing Billy big bollocks everyone’s mate.

I just wish I knew why as I know for sure I haven’t done anything that might have upset her!

You may have done but just not known about it. Just to give you a different perspective - she may be prone to black and white thinking. I have a friend like this who talks about it openly to me. She can think someone is great for years and years and really like them and then one day they say something or do something that may seem fairly innocuous but flips a switch in her mind and she doesn't like them

Maybe your friend is like that and you said something that you'd never register as being upsetting but it upset her fundamentally and upset her view of how you see her.

In the time you've known her, have you known her fall out with other friends she's never spoken to again? If so, that's a bit of a give away.

Some of the stuff my friend says she's reacted to like this is unbelievably trivial. I can see why it bothered her but in a million years if I'd been the person I'd never have guessed what it was because it's just too meh.

I'm really sorry this has happened to you.I've been ghosted a few times OP and it's upsetting especially if you've been good friends. One work friend that we'd shared years working together and supported each other through many difficult times literally never spoke to me again when I went on mat leave. It was so upsetting. I contacted her many times and eventually gave up.

Another friend that I was so happy to make when my youngest was little, our children were the same age and we had a lot in common ghosted me. My child begged to see them and kept asking me why we couldn't play and I never had any explanation as to why we'd been dropped. It was really confusing when one year later she messaged telling me how much she'd missed me and thought of me often and would love to see us again. I stupidly believed this and said I'd love to see them only never to get a reply.
These experiences have made me question my own behaviour and character and I've really stressed about it. However, years later I think it's their issues not mine, and I've let the sadness go. I'm quite reluctant to be too friendly with anyone anymore, I keep everything on an acquaintance level.

I have been ghosted and it really is odd and hurtful, the friend had been going through stuff I thought I was being supportive, they seemed to have found a new friend at their new job and totally blanked me and basically sent a weird reply to a how are you message and I've not heard from from them since

Op no word of advice just sympathy and solidarity.

I am 54 and have had exactly the same. I'll try and keep it brief ish...
Had a best mate of 20 years, I supported her when she kicked out her first husband, made sure she had food for the kids etc. Because to me, that's what you do as a friend. Then I helped her get away from a very abusive second marriage. She was on an even keel after all this, her kids grew up and moved out, so I used to go stay with her, she came and stopped here with me and hubby, we had some really great times and never bored of each others company. We were more like sisters than mates. I introduced her to my other friend and we all spent evenings together, having take aways and chatting. We had some good times there too. Me and my other friend rented a villa in Portugal for a week and asked my best friend if she'd like to come. She did, but there was a definite shift in relationships, they both wound each other up and I was piggy in the middle, each one moaning about the other, habits, lifestyle etc...
Scoot forward 9 years from the holiday, all still great, but I stopped suggesting all 3 of us get together, each one separately without the knowledge of each other had no problem with this. 3 years ago, it was approaching my birthday and my bestie kept saying she had it all planned, couldn't wait etc, was making plans to come and stay... Then 4 days before my birthday, my other friend was found dead in bed. I was obviously shocked and devastated and messaged my bestie straight away to tell her. She messaged back, well, you did say that would happen (I had, due to her lifestyle, but in a sad way than a slagging off session). Within one minute of her sending me that text, she announced on FB that she was coming off all social media... And I never heard from her again, not even a text on my birthday, the one she had all lined up and was so excited about. She sent me a condolence message when I lost my dear dad in June last year, so she's obviously kept her eye on my FB. I made the same courtesy 2 weeks ago when I heard her beloved grandma had died. (I'm still friends with her daughter, so saw it on her FB post). Other than those exchanges, nothing else. Both my hubby and myself couldn't understand it, there had been now row between us, no crossed word, no offense caused... We pondered and pondered over it. I have absolutely no idea what went on and nearly 3 years on, I've totally drawn a line under it. It hurt me very badly at the time, as I ended up losing two friends. I was too upset by my other friends death to be wanting to ask what was wrong, but the mere fact she cut me off totally told me she didn't want me around for some reason. I actually came to the conclusion that as she liked to be the centre of attention, my other friends sudden death would have meant that she wouldn't be. And hubby agreed. It's very sad after all those years together, that she couldn't tell me...
Updated to add - Sorry, that wasn't brief ish!

I ghosted a close friend when I was 40 and I had known her since the age of 4. It just suddenly dawned on me what a crap friend she was in many ways. She would almost gloat when things weren't going well in my life and be snide when things were going well.

I seemed to make all the effort with keeping in touch too and there were lots of incidents that just seemed manipulative and bitchy. Like one day out of the blue, she said to me "I said to my husband yesterday that Turtletunes thinks I dress badly and he just laughed and said "Well she always looks crap anyway so she can't talk". I'd never said anything about the way she dresses or looks and wouldn't say anything like that to anybody! So she gets to slag me off to her husband and undermine and hurt me about the way I look too, all in one sentence. This is only one example, I could give many more.

So I ghosted and blocked her and don't regret it at all I'm afraid. I only wish I'd done it 30 years earlier. I expect she is bewildered as to why her best friend of decades suddenly ghosted her and may say as such to other people, but I don't feel any responsibility to explain it. There are 2 sides to every story.

I'd guess that you no longer fit in with her high-flying, luxurious lifestyle. It says a lot about her as a person that she'd dump such a longstanding friendship for such a reason.

She's ghosted you because she knows damn well she can't admit that's the reason, as it will sound as awful and shallow as it absolutely is.

I hope you're able to move on OP, and not dwell on this too much.

I didn't ghost but ended the friendship with a long term friend. Around 17 years later, she messaged to ask me why. I replied as we had a very strong friendship and i felt i owed it to her.

So you never know. Even if its due to having different lifestyles etc, you would still know

So many stories

sometimes It’s too hard to tell people
why you can’t be around them anymore
its such a painful conversation to have

my reasons range from

• your selfish
• our values don’t align
• you hurt me
• you depress me
• you trigger me

Oh, the ghosting thing really stings. Especially in this day and age of social media - it's so easy to keep in touch, even if you just like a photo or send a gif every now and then.

I made a very good friend through work around covid, and when he left he made a big deal about wanting to stay in touch. I did try. But the few interactions we have had since then, it's just really stung because it's obvious he just doesn't care - not in a bad way but he's moved on, doesn't see me daily any more so it's an effort to maintain the connection and he just can't be bothered. He's done and said some things that have really hurt me but I don't even know if there is any point asking him, because he really doesn't care.

I may block him because it's painful to be so ignored every day by someone I thought cared and someone I trusted. And one day he might suddenly realise he's blocked and wonder why I have ghosted him? Who knows.

I am trying to be grown up about it. But the unpopular teenager I once was finds it very upsetting. I just wanted to stay friends. I feel as though trying to get yo the bottom of it would be begging, though, and I don't have to beg for friends!!!

I am very open to meeting new people, but I will always be a lot more cautious from now on about trusting them.

i did a slow fade then ghosted a friend of 30 years, because I realised she wasn't really a friend. she revelled in anything bad happening to you, was so competitive, hated me having any other friends, very jealous. So she probably feels like others on here do. Maybe it was cruel to ghost but I felt it also cruel to tell her the truth that she wasn't a very nice person and I didn't want to be friends anymore.

You should feel awful that’s incredibly horrible behaviour. Imagine how it would have made her feel. Do you not think you should atleast message her and apologise?

Lots of the stories on here are so sad.

I think it’s immensely cowardly. I’ve also experienced it and agree with the living bereavement comment. Which is awful because you can’t go to anyone and explain it.

I don’t know if it’s partly a mobile phone thing and some people not having developed basic skills of dealing with life situations. Rather than explain something to you they think it’s easier to just not speak to you ever again.

Whatever the reason it’s immensely hurtful and sometimes has a huge and long lasting impact on the other person.

It could possibly be because your lifestyles don't align or maybe just she has stuff going on you don't know about. I know it is difficult but I would just move on. I personally don't fight to keep friendships and if people don't make the effort I stop bothering. A very good friend and I retired roughly the same time and also both had grandchildren. I set boundaries with childcare which my daughter was fine about but my friend did so much more and was just never available to go out or meet up. Consequently I found other friends. Now her grandchildren are at school she does nothing and I am too busy to meet up. There is a saying that friends are there for a reason, a season or forever. Maybe yours was there just because you both had young children and now your lives have moved on the common link is gone.

I don’t know if it’s partly a mobile phone thing and some people not having developed basic skills of dealing with life situations. Rather than explain something to you they think it’s easier to just not speak to you ever again.

@Squiggles23 that's an interesing point about mobile phones. Maybe the slow fade ghosting has always happened but now it is more obvious because of mobile phones there is a lot more contact and easier quicker contact.

If you had to wait for someone to be in at home near a land line and before email, it probably was normal to have to wait a long time to hear from them so people didn't notice.

My close friend of 30 decades ghosted me over a year ago now. I still think of her every single day and it's been even more painful for me than losing a parent was.

My main advice is to recognise that this kind of loss can be really hard and be kind to yourself OP, allow yourself space and time to grieve.

People who do this generally don't have the skills or the courage to talk about why they want to end the relationship. This behaviour is so hurtful in its effect on others. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who ghosts other people so I have no interest in my old friend coming back into my life.

The plus side of losing a friend is that it creates space in your life for new friends so be sure to spend time and effort on new friendships.

All relationships have issues, I want to be in relationships where people are prepared to talk about the issues and resolve conflict in healthy ways.

I had a friend who tells everyone who will listen that I ghosted her for no reason but it’s simply not true.

She becane obsessed with an attached man and did everything she could to cause drama between him and his partner. She turned up everywhere she knew he would be, talked about him non stop and turned every conversation she had back to him.

It got really embarrassing and she was coming across unhinged. People in his circle called her the stalker. A few of us ladies tried so many times to tell her she needed to leave him alone but she got defensive snd aggressive.

It came a head when she actually gate crashed his 60th birthday party and caused a scene. She called me the very day telling me and was actually laughing about the drama she’d caused. I told her in no uncertain terms her behaviour was as unacceptable and that I could no longer be friends with someone who acted like this.

That was 3 years ago and yet she still pleads innocent telling mutual friends that she has no idea why I dumped her and that I’m obviously fake and not to be trusted. Thankfully these friends know me better than that. This woman is in her late 50’s btw not a love sick youngster.

So the point is really there’s often two sides to every story

Unfortunately with the lack of resolution and closure you're having to rationalise things yourself, but I can assure you that your "It’s like I’ve been replaced" is highly unlikely to be the case. The perception you have built up may not be her logic at all.

some people cannot find the words, don't want to be persuaded out of their decision, feel bad, etc etc all sorts of emotional reasons why they don't want to continue a friendship but also want to move forward and not have to explain themselves.

try not to think badly of her, the fact you didnt live near and didn't see each other very regularly, an awful lot of stuff could have happened that you're unsighted of. The last meeting you had might have said to her that you're both in different places in your lives now and she didn't have any feeling of connection anymore

that's the price for having friendship, they don't always last for ever and can bring pain as well as closeness and happiness.

Really interesting perspective. And yes. She’s fallen out with many many people over the years. I seemed to be the only constant at times.

Yes, there are two sides to every story. But ghosting a friend is so common it seems that not every single person who has been ghosted can be creating ridiculous drama, having affairs, or being bitchy and manipulative. It's not the case that every ghoster has totally noble reasons for doing it and the friend left behind is always a horrible, nasty bitch.

I have done none of those things at all and it still happened to me. I am not saying I am perfect as obviously none of us are, but there genuinely are cases when you have been nothing but supportive and someone still does it out of the blue for no apparent reason and that is incredibly hurtful. Ghosting someone who hasn't behaved badly is still a very unkind, mean thing to do and it says more about the ghoster and their lack of emotional maturity in my opinion.

@SassiestPants

I once ghosted someone and I genuinely do feel awful about it but not enough to go back.

You don't feel "genuinely awful" if you don't feel bad enough even to apologise.

The fact you wrote that indicates you're a self-absorbed and nasty person who your previous friend was better off without.

I agree with this. Of course there are two sides. But I am genuinely a decent person, I’m caring and make time for my friends, I’m a fairly introverted person who doesn’t cause drama etc so I will stand by the fact that I haven’t done anything WRONG but I appreciate she may just feel that I’m boring, not in the same place in life that she is or something along those lines. We also only live 15 mins apart so it isn’t the distance thing.

And if it is the case that I just don’t fit in with her life anymore then fine, but she could have shown me some courtesy and just told me look, I really feel we have drifted and don’t have much in common anymore. That would have stung but not as much as the ghosting has.

I ghosted a friend a few years back. It was a weird one, she moved to my city with work for 6 months. She claimed she never had a spare minute for coffee or lunch yet would post constantly about catching up with other friends.

The day she was leaving to drive back to her home city, she was supposed to drop in and pick up some stuff for her son. She messaged to say it would be a very brief visit and she had changed her mind about taking the stuff.

I had had a gutsful by then, wrote off the money she owed me and blocked her everywhere. I did the dramatic ghosting but really felt as if she had ghosted me for 6 months.

Not nice. Met my friend at shop at xmas. Said life busy since she went working full T. So sometimes life takes over. 10 yr friendship. Still stings though.