Ghosted by a close friend

[Lowin2024]

2 years ago my oldest friend suddenly dropped me out of nowhere and although I have moved on, I never stop wondering why.

We had been best friends since primary school and stayed close all the way through school, university, first jobs etc. I was there for her when she went through a difficult pregnancy and PND, bringing her food and checking in regularly. Our kids went to different schools but we met for playdates and my husband and I went out for dinner with her and her husband fairly regularly. Last time I saw her was 2 years ago, we met at her house and had a coffee whilst the kids played. It was a totally normal meeting, we finished with a hug and a see you soon. She never spoke to me again.

I next messaged a month or so later saying let’s get together soon and she never replied. Then it was her birthday so I sent a happy birthday message which was ignored. I left it a while before sending one more message saying I missed her and let’s catch up and she didn’t respond. For a few months she would “like” my photos on social media but then that stopped too. I’m a people pleaser but even I knew to stop there, I didn’t want to embarrass myself by pushing it any further so I stopped messaging too.

We are quite different people; she’s very outgoing, confident and works in a very high paid job and has quite a flash lifestyle whereas I am quieter and work in a caring profession and don’t live quite as luxuriously. My husband thinks I simply don’t suit her lifestyle anymore and she’s too busy to make time for me. Maybe he’s right. I just wish I knew why as I know for sure I haven’t done anything that might have upset her!

I guess I’m just wondering if anyone else has been in this situation before? I wonder if I will ever stop wondering why. She meant a lot to me.

Do you mean you were in primary school together, or your kids are?

I had a friend from school. We were friends for decades. Then one day he just disappeared from my life.
I called, I texted, I went and knocked on his door. Nothing.
We were close friends that shared a lot. We had no arguments, no problem. Nothing untoward happened at all.

At first I felt so confused. Then I felt angry. Then I felt sorry for him. Now I'm just left wondering. It's been about 11years now.

I learned that he also broke up with his boyfriend at the time and also ghosted some other friends. So for whatever reason he decided that he needed to do that. I never got an explanation and I'm sad that he felt some kind of discomfort that led to that decision. I guess I'm somewhat comforted by the fact that I wasn't the only one and therefore it was unlikely to be anything that I'd done but I'm still upset that friendship was cut off without explanation.

I don't know if it was prompted by this post but I had a dream about my ex best friend last night.
She used my house to store all of her Christmas presents and then she went on a group chat I was in with her (In RL I am not in a group chat with her btw) and she posted a video of all the presents she had bought people including our mutual friend we are both very close to. And all day I've felt a bit bluh about her again, probably prompted by the dream. I've just had a thought, the dream was a good analogy of how our friendship worked: she would use me to hold all of her 'stuff' (mentally I mean) but I would never get anything back, no advice, no love, no appreciation, just nothing. It was a one way street. So why the hell am I still bothered about this woman?! I think maybe because I'm not the 'type' of person who would ever allow anyone to treat me badly but I did with her, for what reason I don't know. It's like she tranced me in some way and then threw me away when I could no longer serve her (because of my own MH). I feel more angry with myself than I do her for not seeing through it.
Anyway sorry to use this post as a sounding board. It just helps sometimes to write it down, makes more sense somehow.

Yes in primary with her. Someone had done a virtual tour of the school and we both commented. We met up. A lovely breakfast. Looking back took her ages to set dates. Anyway leave it at that) she def said we catch up again...

Great thread alot of us have been through this. Its hurtful

Does no one pick up the phone and call anymore or is it just messages?

HG80
You didn't do anything wrong.
I'm an overthinker and get quite upset when people dint rely to my messages. Especially, if they've contacted me first x

OP, I am so sorry this happened to you. It happened to me too, with someone I thought was one of my closest friends. A good friend of mine had just died and I was really struggling with my mental health and some other things going on at home. I said I needed some time to focus on these things, whilst making it very clear that I'd be in touch as soon as I was better. She said that was no problem and wished me well. When I tried to reconnect she was incredibly cold and uncaring, making it clear she no longer wanted to be friends with me. TBH it was very traumatic and I am still working through it now. One thing that helped was to break all my social media connections so I was not tempted to contact her.

I realise now that she was never the person I thought she was but that doesn't stop me feeling sad and angry that the friendshop clearly never mattered that much to her in the first place.

I had a great friend . We had such a good laugh when together. We met for lunch often and he came on nights out with me hubby and son.
He stopped replying to texts and messages all of a sudden. I sent a message via Linkedin as he came off facebook and watsapp etc.
I found out later that he has dropped ALL his friends and walked out of his job !
I saw his hubby once and asked whats up and he said hes ok just having a hard time.
This was 4 years ago.
He recently saw a mutual friend and hes ok but not ready to see anyone else.
This friend asked theoretically if Id see him . I said no. Its been too long . Ive been through lots of crap myself and I would never do that.
I miss him and our friendship but such is life.

Sometimes no reason. But very hurtful. I wouldnt get too invested in new friends now as feel people drop you as quick

I’m not sure what the right thing to do is here. I have a lovely friend who over the years we have less and less in common. Our mutual friends have moved away and it’s just us and honestly there is very little to talk about now. Surely that happens a lot and in most cases is mutual. It’s nice to bump into old friends but you don’t always have to meet up regularly. It’s tricky but feels like some friends are a reason a season etc I have no doubt some people feel the same about me too.

I'll add my experience, although it's slightly different. But maybe someone will have some advice.
I'm currently trying to separate from my husband due to verbal aggression, stonewalling, emotional abuse.... yada yada yada..Very, very long story.... in summary, he's making getting separated extremely difficult. Dragging his heels, not cooperating at all.

Anyhoo... my "best" friend of 20+ years knows all this, but seems to have dropped off the radar. I barely hear from her over the past year or two. I feel like she's sick of the drama, bored listening to me moaning, can't understand why everything is taking so long ( so she almost doesn't believe he's as bad as I make out)
So, while I haven't been fully ghosted, my former best friend has retreated & now barely keeps in touch. It's extremely hurtful.

I've had quite a few utterly disgusting people do it. It's a reflection on them not me. I'm living my best life now. They do us a favour.

Hope u ok gummychops. Yes ghosting not nice. Had it done to me a few times.

I have ghosted some people and while some think it’s a cowards act for me it was the only way out. These people acted like friends but would have little digs all the time and act like a joke type of thing. They would find a way to put me down in front of other friends. Organise events but always make sure they organised seats and if I was getting along particularly well with another friend they would make sure we couldn’t sit together etc. It was crazy, it affected my mental health really badly and I couldn’t deal with the confrontation so for me it was easier to ghost. I still feel sad how long I put up with that friendship and the deep hole it put me in.

It's pretty crap to be honest.
I feel like women in abusive situations are always advised to turn to their friends for support. And I have tried. Some friends have been great. Regularly checking in on me, just a little text every now & then. And I fully reciprocate, try to keep on track with their lives & important events/ difficulties etc.

For others it feels like they've put me in the "too hard" basket. They've exhausted their supply of empathy & can't be arsed anymore. So they've faded away. Understandable, but disappointing & extremely hurtful when it's my former closest friend/s

I was reading your message and I totally agree, she had effectively pushed you out of her life well before you decided you had had enough. You are better off without her.

My best friend was ghosted by one of her best friends. She was so hurt by this and just couldnt get her head round it. I noticed things were drifting before my friend did. In relation to me and my husband, she lost interest in us before she openly did with my friend. I had known her for 20 years and had her in good regard, so did my husband.
For my friend it was like a bereavement and I think she chased it for a tad too long. When I said to her it wasn´t that she had done anything wrong, it was all to do with this friend, what was going on in her life and in her head, my friend said she hadn´t seen it this way until then, she had been desperately trying to remember something she had said wrong, something she had done.
Abuse apart, I think this tack is despicable. Friendships fade sometimes, even long ones, that is natural. Giving your friend a hug and disappearing the next day isn´t. And it´s downright cruel.

I just think people have no loyalty now. It opened my eyes just not get too deep with friends now. I met one lately it was all pleasantries and busy busy busy. So I left it at that. Im not being used again

What do you mean by "now"@Mary46 as if there's been a sea change in society? Or your friends have all suddenly changed?

Do you mean here you bumped into a friend accidentally and they were pleasant but said they were "busy busy busy" or this was at an arranged get together?

Because if it was the former I'd say the same if encountered accidentally in the supermarket for example because it's the truth. I am immensely busy to the point I'm struggling. However I prioritise social life and connection with friends above me keeping on top of things at home and I'm single with no children. I'd crack up if I had kids. But I probably wouldn't have such a demanding job if I'd had children.

Eventually you work out who's genuine and who's fobbing you off and focus on those and apportion time accordingly.

This happened to me, I ended up speaking to her Mum as I was worried, although could still see her on social media so knew it hadn't been an accident or anything sinister. Turns out she was suffering badly with her mental
health and had cut off just about everyone except her immediate family. Her Mum told me not to take it personally and to just give her time.

She went on to have 2 more children and held down a job, but never once spoke to me again. It was over 10 years ago and I still think of her often. It hurt a lot at the time and it was very confusing.

@TheAverageJoanne hard to explain. Was very non comittal when we met. Had always met for coffee etc. I think I was used to fill her mornings she wasnt working so I feel loyalty is gone in people now. Anyway. Trying to have a few friends now.

I ghosted a friend - not ghosted exactly but took a big step back from the friendship and when she moved away it died on its own. For me, the relationship became too intense, too overwhelming. She always wanted to spend more time with me, even when I met my exDH she wanted to come out with us when we were going on a date and was insulted when we told her we wanted to go alone. One night in a club she tried to kiss me, even though I’d given her no encouragement, and indeed my fiancé had just gone to the loo. She lived with us for a while and kept bringing home randomers for sex. One morning I went into the kitchen and the man from the kebab shop round the corner was standing there in his pants. I do wonder now if she had some sort of personality disorder; although she was often lovely, she was like a rollercoaster. Her moods were unpredictable and sometimes quite scary, and it was exhausting. Her lifestyle was chaotic and risky and in the end I had to detach for my own sanity.

I think you don't match her lifestyle now.

It's no coincidence she's now hanging out with another woman who does match her lifestyle.

She's pretensious.

No loss.

And yes, nice people value friendships, not so nice people (which may not be superficially apparent) don't.

Hi @Lowin2024 - this is an old thread but I wonder if you ever heard from your friend again? I hope you are well x