Ghosted by a close friend

[Lowin2024]

2 years ago my oldest friend suddenly dropped me out of nowhere and although I have moved on, I never stop wondering why.

We had been best friends since primary school and stayed close all the way through school, university, first jobs etc. I was there for her when she went through a difficult pregnancy and PND, bringing her food and checking in regularly. Our kids went to different schools but we met for playdates and my husband and I went out for dinner with her and her husband fairly regularly. Last time I saw her was 2 years ago, we met at her house and had a coffee whilst the kids played. It was a totally normal meeting, we finished with a hug and a see you soon. She never spoke to me again.

I next messaged a month or so later saying let’s get together soon and she never replied. Then it was her birthday so I sent a happy birthday message which was ignored. I left it a while before sending one more message saying I missed her and let’s catch up and she didn’t respond. For a few months she would “like” my photos on social media but then that stopped too. I’m a people pleaser but even I knew to stop there, I didn’t want to embarrass myself by pushing it any further so I stopped messaging too.

We are quite different people; she’s very outgoing, confident and works in a very high paid job and has quite a flash lifestyle whereas I am quieter and work in a caring profession and don’t live quite as luxuriously. My husband thinks I simply don’t suit her lifestyle anymore and she’s too busy to make time for me. Maybe he’s right. I just wish I knew why as I know for sure I haven’t done anything that might have upset her!

I guess I’m just wondering if anyone else has been in this situation before? I wonder if I will ever stop wondering why. She meant a lot to me.

@SamW98

She becane obsessed with an attached man and did everything she could to cause drama between him and his partner. She turned up everywhere she knew he would be, talked about him non stop and turned every conversation she had back to him.

I feel like I know these people. I think I may have been at that party. If its the person I'm thinking of, the man has form for encouraging this (narcissist) and this woman isn't the first..? I know him though so you may not be aware if your connection is with only one of these women... He sleeps with women, lies about being married and acts all lovebomby and then sits back and enjoys the attention and watching the bomb go off. Once a woman turned up at our work place and sat in reception for hours refusing to leave.

It's like he makes these poor women go insane. He's absolutely vile. We used to go for regular drinks in a pub near work and everyone knew there was a likely chance people (him) from our work would be there. A lot of the women were people met through work and they knew this. Some of these women -often clients of his - would randomly pitch up with a giggle and a hair flick and 'how lovely to bump into you here'. We all knew that this was probably the latest affair he'd fucked over. I was judging him though not the women. Pleased to say I don't work there any more and never have to see him.

@midnightfeastfeats

No this doesn’t appear to be the same people. I’ve known him 30+ years long before I knew the woman.

This one actually not a womaniser and very much in love with his partner. My ex friend has a very short relationship with him after his divorce 10 years ago and can’t seem to get over it.

@Lowin2024
Really interesting perspective. And yes. She’s fallen out with many many people over the years. I seemed to be the only constant at times.

This is what I was talking about. If she's done it repeatedly, it may be she is a black and white thinker and you've "done something" to piss her off that has turned off her friendships switch. It's common in autism and some personality disorders. Like I said the trigger can be something that you would never identify because to you its innocuous.

How random this can be is like say you are trying on clothes together and she puts on a blue top and you say something like 'I think you look better in the green top it really suits you' but she thinks she looks great in the blue top, what she hears is you saying she is unattractive and are not supporting her world view of herself, she hears a nasty criticism (Even though that's not what it was) and in that second suddenly now will see you as an enemy not a trusted allie and will want nothing to do with you. If she suffers from this type of thinking there is nothing you or she can do. As explained to me, its similar to loving chocolate all your life and then developing a serious allergy to it. You might have fond memories of chocolate, have loved eating it and really want to get back to that time but you can't because now you feel so sick and revolted by chocolate because you know it will make you feel terrible and hurt you that you can't be near it. That's how black and white thinkers can turn on a dime in a friendship.

They can't explain that because it sounds mental and will just provoke the friend trying to reason their way back in which is pointless. And they don't want anything to do with that friend any more anyway. They are out in the cold as no longer trusted.

https://www.talkspace.com/blog/black-white-thinking-ways-poisons-your-perspective/

https://www.reddit.com/r/autism/comments/14xxu3l/does_anyone_have_black_and_white_views_on/

That's interesting @Cornishclio . @Lowin2024 what other things did you have in common, or what else did you do together or talk about other than your children after you had kids?

And there you go. Have you put up with a lot of drama from her in the past?

@midnightfeastfeats yes, you're right. I have found with people like this there are usually patterns and I have seen this happen- so they will ghost multiple people for the silliest of reasons. If you ghost many, many people in your life then the chances are, it's about you and not them.

Thinking about it- my friend did seem to fall out with an awful lot of people and at the time her reasons seemed genuine but it now makes me wonder if everything she said was true. Its the old adage of: if you have problems with everyone in your life then you are the problem.

This is the answer !!! It’s her
totally
and you are now the latest victim

given this I’d delete and hide 🙈
get her out of your headspace x

We did chat about various other things, mutual friends, work, house renovations - when we last met up she had just renovated and was advising me on our upcoming Renovation (even though her suggestions were way out of my budget!). It didn’t feel like the conversation was totally stale or anything.

This happened to me with one of my closest friends. She just dropped me with no explanation. It was incredibly upsetting. Even now, 10 years on, I occasionally dream about her and wake up sad.

I don't think I did anything wrong. She met a new man who moved in different circles, he was a posh Tory with dc in boarding school, big house with horses etc. I think she wanted to reinvent herself to fit in with that and me being around to remind her that she used to be a left wing activist type wasn't helpful.

I know she and the (then) new man moved to Yorkshire. She didn't send me an address, she changed her phone number and she's not on social media so I have no way of contacting her even if I wanted to.

Not drama directed at me. But she would tell me about other friendships and all the dramatic falling outs she had with others. Sometimes I would empathise and other times I could see the other persons perspective and just sort of placated her as I don’t like slagging other people off. Perhaps she thought I wasn’t being supportive.

I have found that this does often happen when a new partner is on the scene and they move in new circles.

I was ghosted by my best friend ten years ago. I had supported her through the arrest, charge and trial and sentencing of her now ex-husband, my family found her somewhere to live, she spent Christmases and New Years with us as well as a month when it all started. The sort of things you do for a good friend. Then she said I was abrupt in a text and that was it. Nothing since.

A very wise friend said I knew too much and she was looking for an excuse to dump me. She did it to another friend too, who had been with her to the police station. A year later I wrote to her, apologising unreservedly for anything I had done and said I missed her. Got my neighbour to address the envelope. Still nothing. But if she ever wants it, my door is open to her, literally and metaphorically.

@muddyford you're too kind. The poster upthread @SassiestPants who's not returned was a terrible example. Someone else said, I forgot who, that people who ghost aren't those she wants a relationship with and I agree. There's something wrong with their thought patterns and they're not friend material, not really. I'd give her a wide berth if she does get in touch. She's taken you and the other friend for mugs. The person who said you knew too much is probably right in that she wants to reinvent herself and have no reminders or anyone who will let the cat out of the bag

A very wise friend said I knew too much and she was looking for an excuse to dump me. She did it to another friend too, who had been with her to the police station

@muddyford this is very very common. People confiding heavily during a dark time or relying on someone heavily to help them out at tough time.

after that, they move on and want to have nothing in their life that reminds them of their hell so subconciously or consciously move on and cut off the people who knew all.

I have a lawyer friend who always jokes that you should never act for a solicitor client in a negligence case because even if you win, they never want to see anyone who reminds them of their mistakes again and you will never get any more referrals from them. Same principle.

Mine did this after nearly 40 years and in the run up to my wedding when she was meant to be maid of honour. It really upset me at the time. Turns out it was my fault we had lockdowns and I wasn't smart enough to consider the 'evidence'. We reconciled briefly then she started again and when I called her out she said she hadn't fallen out with me but couldn't show interest in my life when I wasn't interested in things that were important to her ie brainwashing conspiracy theories. Batshit.

@TheAverageJoanne

"That's interesting @Cornishclio . @Lowin2024 what other things did you have in common, or what else did you do together or talk about other than your children after you had kids?"

Our children grew up together, we worked for the same employer and we both enjoyed reading, going to the theatre and walking.

We have both said we will make more effort to get together this year but I found it interesting that once I stopped making an effort we didn't meet up. Now my friend is putting more effort in as she has more free time I guess.

Female friends can be strange. I think I would be cautious around new friends now. I met a lovely girl in summer same primary school. Met once. I wouldnt be chasing her going forward.

Agree with this. It’s cowardly and so painful.

RC - if you’re reading this, you’re a bitch.

@Wanttolikekimchee
i wonder if we know the same RC?….

I agree it is like a bereavement then k e say you realise you haven't thought about them for a couple of days or weeks. It's shit again but slowly gets better.
And mine was RV and she is also a bitch

This puts me off new friendships the same pattern again.

Maybe. Long dark hair.

@Wanttolikekimchee yes! And your description of their character is spot on.

I think friendships change, well we all know that. It could be that you don't have enough in common anymore. If I am being honest there's something in your post that suggests you feel she's perhaps a bit superficial...you talk about your profession being "caring" and hers being high flying. Maybe that comes across. I am relatively successful and have a very good friend who I see less and less, our lives are too different...we can't discuss things that matter to us because we don't share the same experiences. Ghosting is painful and you don't deserve that but equally what's the point of chit chat if she's not interested in investing in your friendship.

I don’t think any less of people who don’t work in caring roles. My husband doesn’t and very few of my friends do and I love them all and we have plenty in common still. It was more my thinking that she might perceive me as not “fun” for not going out to flash bars and having expensive holidays rather than me being judgemental of her. But I agree with you that there’s no point investing in it any further. Just would’ve been nice if it hadn’t ended with the ghosting!