Been such a mug - how (can?) I turn this around??

[Gloobyfree]

Sorry this is long.
In a really weird place with my BF.
We’ve been together for four years, he has his own home (shared ownership) and I have mine (almost mortgage free).
I have 2 DC full time - no financial contribution / very low contact with their dad. BF has 2 DCs - one who lives with him FT, the other he sees once a week plus EOW.
We both work full time. I out-earn him.
When we met, both of BFs DCs lived with their mum most of the time and BF paid a chunk of child support to their mum (as well he should), plus paid for himself and one of his DC to do an expensive hobby twice a week. He didn’t have much spare money for us to pay for dates, etc. so we went on lots of walks, etc and I paid for us to do other activities when I could.
Over time, I’ve been paying for more and more - from holidays to days out, to food / drinks / snacks when all DC are at my house. BF has also asked for help with paying for groceries, etc a few times when he’s had unexpected expenses.
During the summer, we visited some of my family for a holiday. BF was miserable all the time, didn’t suggest any activities, etc and fretting over money the whole time - even though it didn’t cost us anything to stay with my family, and I was paying for food, etc.
This Christmas, he asked if I could help with paying for his DCs presents as he hadn’t had any overtime in recent months. I did help, as well as paid for all the Christmas / New Years food and drinks (he and DC spent it at my house with me and my DC. So far, though, he hasn’t offered any money back.
This week, BF has asked me to help him pay to see a chiropractor as he is having problems with his back and neck. His DD (16) has also started texting me asking me to lend her money for her travel / lunches / snacks and drinks at college, etc. I’ve helped her - but I feel really uncomfortable about it, and don’t understand why BF is still struggling so much for money when he is no longer paying the same amount of child support, not for the expensive hobby (DD gave up and BF hasn’t been going either).
I know I’ve been a bit of a pushover, and I need things to change as I can’t manage to save for works I need to do in my house, etc.
I don’t know how to address this without causing a huge argument… HELP!

No, no,no, no no.

I only got half way through that.

He's a user and he's rinsing you.

I’d sit him down and talk this through - it doesn’t sound fair to me. Sounds like he needs to manage his own money better and has become too reliant on you giving him handouts. If he can’t afford to run his life that is his problem - if however you are expecting him to pay for activities he can’t afford perhaps you can be mindful of his budget and organise accordingly. Good luck I hate talking about money which led to a lot of resentment in past relationships and from now on I intend to tackle much sooner but I know it’s not easy.

Why would it be a bad thing for it to descend into an argument? This alone tells me you're too much of a people pleaser and this lot have picked up on that. Just tell him you're going on a serious economy drive to save up for the work and therefore he needs to rely on you less for funding the extras than he seems to be doing at the moment. If he makes that into an argument or in any way reproaches you for it, it tells you loud and clear that this is no longer a healthy relationship of equals and you need to move on.

Dear @Gloobyfree
If this discussion causes an argument, you need to end the relationship.
There is ZERO reason for a discussion about money and boundaries to end up causing an argument. If your partner is unable or not mature enough to have a talk without causing drama, he has no business being in a relationship.

I wonder, if you can't even talk about something as trivial as "you take care of your household and I take care of mine", what kinds of things can you talk about?

They're using you as a cash cow. They know you'll stump up the money, so why do you think they'd stop?

I don’t know how to address this without causing a huge argument

He's been taking advantage of you financially and you're scared to raise anything because it would be a big argument.

He's really got you where he wants you, doesn't he?

Takes advantage of you financially, and knows you won't protest or stand up for yourself or have boundaries because you're too scared of hostility, or ultimately of the relationship ending.

You must have a reasonable expectation of him kicking off if challenged about the unequal financial contribution - for you to be anticipating that. That must be based on knowing him.

The taking advantage of someone financially and the making them feel like they'll have to deal with hostility/big stress and maybe lose the relationship if they try to stand up for themselves re equal contribution.... Are not good traits in a partner.

This is you and your kids money. You have less of it because of him. You and your kids are having advantage taken of you

Sorry Jeff, I can't afford it with what I lent you for Xmas and the money I've given Jenny
However I know you've been struggling lots lately even though you're not paying support for Johnny.

Would it help for us to go through all your bills etc and try to find a solution?

Repeat variations of every time he asks.

If he wants to go out say ah well have to go halves on this one, I'm skint this week

*plus paid for himself and one of his DC to do an expensive hobby twice a week.

He didn’t have much spare money for us to pay for dates, etc. so we went on lots of walks, etc and I paid for us to do other activities when I could*

Well that was poor money management and budgeting and prioritising from him from the start.

If he didn't have much money, then he shouldn't have spent it on an expensive hobby. Sorry, but "beer budget, champagne lifestyle" comes to mind. Then you come along and he lets/expects you to pay for activities that aren't fee or cheap; because he doesn't have much money and he chooses to spend what he has on an expensive hobby. That was unfair and unequal from the start. And when you went along with it, it set a precedent.

But nobody decent would've let that precedent have been set to begin with.

Women aren't there to subsidise him and his kids.

Would it help for us to go through all your bills etc and try to find a solution?

Not sure why op should have to be his accountant/mammy/nanny.

He's a grown adult with children. He's presumably got a brain in his head.

Op shouldn't be taking responsibility for anything to do with his finances.

He should just pay his way or they'll have to change what they do if he can't.

At which point I'd question whether op should really invest further in someone who can't do anything that's not free and pay their way.
It honestly seems like she'd be better out of this relationship.

If it were to become more committed and enmeshed, it looks like she and her family will always be the ones to be disadvantaged financially in a blended family. He's owns only half his home, his salary is lower, he's doesn't budget well .... Meanwhile op has a home nearly paid off and earns more; it would be considerably to his advantage to eg. marry/cohabit/blend families with op; not to op and her kids advantage though.
She might be better trying to meet someone where things are more equal and they manage their money better

I agree with the others that he's taking the piss. There's absolutely no reason NOT to say, 'Sorry - I can't afford that. Hope you work something out,' when he asks you to pay for the chiropractor, or to say, 'Sorry. You'll need to ask your father,' when his DD texts to ask for something.

You live separately and have your own home, bills and DC to fund. If he starts an argument about it I would say very loudly, 'Pete - would you like me to go through every single thing I have paid for over the last 4 years and let's just count up how much money you owe me? You need to pay your own bills and support your own kids'.

I'd just end the relationship, if I'm honest. He sees you as a cash cow.

No no no no no You’re being romance scammer in plain sight.

Hes a freeloading grabby ponce treating you as a cashpoint. Get rid before he bleeds you dry

Well done on not letting him move in with you.

OP, you are being used for your money and generosity. You have let this go too far already and I wouldn't be continuing this relationship if I were you.

• I paid for us to do other activities when I could.

• holidays to days out, to food / drinks / snacks when all DC are at my house.

• BF has also asked for help with paying for groceries, etc a few times when he’s had unexpected expenses

• BF was miserable all the time, didn’t suggest any activities, etc and fretting over money the whole time - even though it didn’t cost us anything to stay with my family, and I was paying for food, etc.

• This Christmas, he asked if I could help with paying for his DCs presents as he hadn’t had any overtime in recent months

• , as well as paid for all the Christmas / New Years food and drinks (he and DC spent it at my house with me and my DC.

• This week, BF has asked me to help him pay to see a chiropractor

This is before we even get to his child texting you asking you to pay for stuff.

Does he know they're doing that??

It is clear the they think you are a free cash machine/Daddy Warbucks.

It is also clear that they are not actually nice or decent people; however they may come across.

No-one decent would act like this.

They are users.

They've made the mistake though - even with someone as soft and kind and generous as you - of pushing too far for too long, so even you have gotten sick of it and also posted on here.

Back away. You are his personal atm. Aren't you a mug?
Back away and take your purse with you. See how keen he is in continuing the relationship..

I'd just end the relationship, if I'm honest. He sees you as a cash cow.

This.

You can meet someone else. The world is full of people.

He is not a good guy. His kids - we will give the free pass of being young (though some young people would still not think what they're doing is ok) but he is an absolute user. And he's raising his kids to be the same.

They're awful.
Parasites.

Let him try to exploit someone else and see how far he gets.

Thank fk you haven't moved them in etc

I have no doubt if you try to extricate yourself from this family, they will cling and manipulate like nobody's business so as not to lose their cash cow.

It's not every day you find a free bank.

You'll have to plan your escape and have strong boundaries.

I'm so curious as to how these conversations actually go - is he asking to borrow money and then you end up just not getting it back, or is he saying from the outset 'can I borrow money for this, I won't pay you back'
Also, if he is earning a full-time wage, it's a good question... where IS the money going - the chiropractor thing seems really odd.

Bin him off.
You deserve better.

I don't think he's worth trying to save.

The fact that you anticipate this turning into an argument is worrying in itself. If he was at heart a good bloke he wouldn't react with anger to you saying you can no longer prop him up financially.

BF was miserable all the time, didn’t suggest any activities, etc and fretting over money the whole time

You can't do not free/cheap activities without having to pay for him (and maybe his kids), he's miserable/in a mood over money at what are supposed to be nice times ...... This is shit.

It's not a remotely faur relationship and it's not even pleasant some of time sie to the neverending overarching money issues; he can't actually afford to be in a relationship (even though he spends some of his money on an expensive hobby).

You can't even go on a holiday without paying for them. It's all money out of you and your dcs pockets/savings/pension/house deposit fund/fun fund.

It doesn't have to be like this; maybe it would be better to find someone who's not broke and not a user.

I had this issue quite a bit circa 2010 until I started saying no, and that if i couldn't afford to give it to you then I couldn't afford to lend it.
When asked for loans favours I would simply say my finances wouldn't allow, which sometimes would lead to cheeky questions of why, I would just deflect the question back on them and if answered just say yeah much the same.
I didn't care if they knew I wasn't going to explain, because I didn't have to.

OP - just realise every penny you throw at this freeloader is money you’re taking away from your own children

Absolutely no self respecting person would continually take like this from the other. Please see him for scrounger he is and dump his money grabbing arse

I don’t know how to address this without causing a huge argument… HELP!

It's sounds like a really shite relationship if you can't even discuss things like this. You have been really silly to get into this position. You've put having a boyfriend over your own children. What happens when your kids need money for university or for deposits or whatever.

You need to decide what you actually want to achieve. Personally I'd want to dump him but maybe you don't want to. If you don't then you have to decide how much you are prepared to 'pay' for the privilidge.

What do you think he would say if you told him that you don't want to subsidise him at all? Do you think he would be angry ? If so then that tells you everything.
It's sad.

Op, re. how to turn this around;

A. It's not worth turning around; they are not good people.

B. I honestly don't think you can turn it around. I think their grabbiness and exploitative-ness and defaulting to feeling that you can/should pay for things would just keep slipping back. Their "crises" would just keep popping up. You'll perhaps feel in time you should cohabit/marry/blend families and then you'll be properly fucked.

Run, is my best advice.

Thanks for all your comments so far - I know I have been WAY too accommodating, and have set myself up for this, really.
My ‘huge argument’ comment is less about current BF and more an echo of my previous (financially abusive) relationship - which is probably where some of my other failings stem from, too.
Ex used to take all my earnings and make me beg for things I needed - so I think being free of him and financially independent after such a long time, it was nice to have my own money and be able to spend it - it has just got massively out of hand.
BFs marriage broke down due to a fallout over finances - his story goes that his Ex wife spent a chunk of money without discussing it, and she didn’t like being questioned over it and they had a big argument, resulting in her throwing him out.
I now don’t know whether this is true or not - or whether the shoe was in the other foot and BF is actually awful with money 😬
Either way, on reflection and reading back my words / your comments - I really think I need to reconsider this relationship.
Where, realistically can our future lie? If BF cannot afford the life he / we are living now, how can we save or develop anything else for our future together? Does that make me awfully shallow??