Been such a mug - how (can?) I turn this around??

[Gloobyfree]

Sorry this is long.
In a really weird place with my BF.
We’ve been together for four years, he has his own home (shared ownership) and I have mine (almost mortgage free).
I have 2 DC full time - no financial contribution / very low contact with their dad. BF has 2 DCs - one who lives with him FT, the other he sees once a week plus EOW.
We both work full time. I out-earn him.
When we met, both of BFs DCs lived with their mum most of the time and BF paid a chunk of child support to their mum (as well he should), plus paid for himself and one of his DC to do an expensive hobby twice a week. He didn’t have much spare money for us to pay for dates, etc. so we went on lots of walks, etc and I paid for us to do other activities when I could.
Over time, I’ve been paying for more and more - from holidays to days out, to food / drinks / snacks when all DC are at my house. BF has also asked for help with paying for groceries, etc a few times when he’s had unexpected expenses.
During the summer, we visited some of my family for a holiday. BF was miserable all the time, didn’t suggest any activities, etc and fretting over money the whole time - even though it didn’t cost us anything to stay with my family, and I was paying for food, etc.
This Christmas, he asked if I could help with paying for his DCs presents as he hadn’t had any overtime in recent months. I did help, as well as paid for all the Christmas / New Years food and drinks (he and DC spent it at my house with me and my DC. So far, though, he hasn’t offered any money back.
This week, BF has asked me to help him pay to see a chiropractor as he is having problems with his back and neck. His DD (16) has also started texting me asking me to lend her money for her travel / lunches / snacks and drinks at college, etc. I’ve helped her - but I feel really uncomfortable about it, and don’t understand why BF is still struggling so much for money when he is no longer paying the same amount of child support, not for the expensive hobby (DD gave up and BF hasn’t been going either).
I know I’ve been a bit of a pushover, and I need things to change as I can’t manage to save for works I need to do in my house, etc.
I don’t know how to address this without causing a huge argument… HELP!

BFs marriage broke down due to a fallout over finances - his story goes that his Ex wife spent a chunk of money without discussing it, and she didn’t like being questioned over it and they had a big argument, resulting in her throwing him out.
I now don’t know whether this is true or not - or whether the shoe was in the other foot and BF is actually awful with money 😬

It's interesting that their marriage broke down over finances; and that you are having problems with him over finances.

Re. The story, I think your instincts are correct, and I often find that a certain type of person reverses scenarios when recounting relationship breakdowns eg "she cheated" - they were actually cheating, "she was very suspicious and controlling - they were actually cheating, "she was unstable and attacked me" - he was done for domestic violence, "she was spendthrift or obsessed with money" - both of them were shit with money or he was irresponsible with money" etc etc.

Sorry OP. He’s a freeloader who uses you and now his DD is learning to do the same. He need to support himself and DD. She needs to get a part-time job. You have your own DC to think of.
Time to say No more.

OP you’re in another financially abusive relationship sorry to say.

Honestly no decent man would ever expect you to bankroll him in this way. He won’t change.

Also most people don't end a marriage with kids over an argument.

It would also be very unusual indeed for a woman who is presumably 50% dependent on her husband and father of her kids to spend money in a way he doesn't agree with and then throw him out after one argument resulting from how she spent the money

That story is not making any sense or seeming realistic to me.

I would place the awkwardness about refusing a loan back on him and see his reaction. When he asks for a loan, tell him the with the expense of Christmas solely on your shoulders and with a few unexpected bills you need to ask HIM for money. He reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

Ex used to take all my earnings and make me beg for things I needed - so I think being free of him and financially independent after such a long time, it was nice to have my own money and be able to spend it - it has just got massively out of hand

But you were spending it, partly anyway, on other people who made you feel you had to spend it on the/give it to them/expected you to spend it

I agree with the poster who said you've slipped into another financially abusive relationship.

Just because he didn't (couldn't) take your salary and restrict your spending, doesnt mean he hasn't been taking your money from you.

It's clear you are now the default source of funds for him and his kids if they can't "afford" anything.

He is using you and now his daughter is using you. Honestly, I would end this asap. He doesn't pay for anything and is still moaning!

You can do so much better than this.

It's worth noting that the next boyfriend after an abusive one is often a really bad choice. Maybe you should dump this one and get some counselling. You're obviously really nice and decent, but people are taking advantage of you.

you need to ask HIM for money

It would actually be hilarious to see his reaction to being asked for money.

The way I would look at is this: either he has your money or your children do. What's it to be?

Honestly no decent man would ever expect you to bankroll him in this way. He won’t change.

Yep and I bet one of the reasons his marriage broke down is that he is an absolute disaster with money.

I don’t think it makes you shallow. After really struggling financially when my first marriage ended, I got to a point where I was reasonably comfortable and able to save a little as well as doing things like being able to eat out occasionally. After so long where I’d not been able to do either, and couldn’t always afford food at the end of the month, I knew I didn’t ever want to go back there. My (now) DH & I earned broadly similar when we met and although it wouldn’t have been a dealbreaker had he earned a bit less, I was adamant I wanted to be with someone in roughly the same situation as me. I’d got to a point where I could afford the occasional treat and to save for a rainy day, and I didn’t want to jeopardise that. I know my situation was different from yours but you weren’t allowed money for yourself and now you have control of your own finances. You’re not shallow to care about that/want to protect that situation going forward.

don’t understand why BF is still struggling so much for money when he is no longer paying the same amount of child support, not for the expensive hobby (DD gave up and BF hasn’t been going either).

Do you think he could be a gambler or similar?

Or perhaps he does have a bit more money but would rather just spend yours and keep his.

Does that make me awfully shallow??

They're a bunch of parasitic, free loading, brass necked piss takers and you're worried about being shallow??

No, it's not shallow to want a relationship in which you contribute equally and fairly, and which isn't taking money out of you and your kids pockets/finances.

You've got yourself a cocklodger unfortunately. I'd end it. You can see the glaring red flags and you need to get out. I'll bet his ex wife has a vastly different story to the one he told you!

Also what does he contribute financially to the household?

He's using you for money, and you're letting him. It sounds like this is his pattern in relationships. What a prize he is.
Your money should be going to your family unit. Do you have funds put aside for your dcs' uni costs? What about your retirement? You and your children's financial well-being is your responsibility before you pay for anything or anybody else.
Bin the user and stop trying to buy love. You can do better, OP.

If BF cannot afford the life he / we are living now, how can we save or develop anything else for our future together? Does that make me awfully shallow??

There's nothing shallow in the slightest about wanting a secure financial future. Not only is BF leeching off you, sounds like his DC are learning to do the same.

@Gloobyfree sometimes when we have had awful past relationships, we end up with another dickhead and we don't see the full picture because we are used to being treated badly. There is comfort in familiarity. We even knock back partners who treat us really well because we doubt and second guess that treatment. Its not what we are used to and it is scary.

You've ended up with another knob.

He never puts you first. He doesn't respect you much (who told his teen she could beg you for hand outs? I bet he did!) and he is constantly bleeding you dry.

Once you start to stand up for yourself or say no more often, he will change and his true colours will show. You'll end up giving in just to keep the peace.

4 years is more than enough time for him to have gotten his shit together and form an equal partnership where he takes care of you as often as you take care of him. He's never done that though and never will. He isn't even appreciative of you. Don't give him more years.

Dump him. This relationship isn't going anywhere. You give him more time and you'll end up feeling utterly ashamed you let another man use and abuse you.

He's what we call a 'cock-lodger'. A parasite who takes your time, heart and money and gives very little back. Just enough to keep you on the hook. Yuck.

Write off what you've lost so far and cut him off from any more effort and cash.

Start to work on yourself more so that when you meet someone new, you recognise the red flags versus the good treatment and you choose love over a leech.

Op you certainly aren't shallow for wanting to be in charge of the spending of your own bloody money!!

After your previous, financially abusive relationship, did you have any help with regard to setting boundaries and recognising how a healthy relationship works? I would suggest that you seek help now so that you can protect your financial future and security.

Well you politely but fully say ' no, sorry, I can't afford it's. And if that's not the end of it, then I'd suggest it might be time to consider this relationship carefully.

Where can your future lie?
You could dump him.and enjoy life and focus on your kids, or just date the man and don't involve money or kids etc. why sign up for being used and the mess of some guys finances and kids when there's no need?

You need to work on your self esteem.

It's not shallow to want to build a secure future? Why would you think it is? Is it not the very opposite? It's shallow to be in a relationship based on superficial factors (looks, romance, whatever) and ignore the big stuff.

He's using you OP. And now his DD thinks she can too. You will never be equal, he will never support you. Get rid and find someone who values you for being you, not what you can give financially.

Hw much have you spent on this bloke and his DCs? add it up and ask yourself what you could have done with it. Pension contributions, holiday, savings for your DC.....