Been such a mug - how (can?) I turn this around??

[Gloobyfree]

Sorry this is long.
In a really weird place with my BF.
We’ve been together for four years, he has his own home (shared ownership) and I have mine (almost mortgage free).
I have 2 DC full time - no financial contribution / very low contact with their dad. BF has 2 DCs - one who lives with him FT, the other he sees once a week plus EOW.
We both work full time. I out-earn him.
When we met, both of BFs DCs lived with their mum most of the time and BF paid a chunk of child support to their mum (as well he should), plus paid for himself and one of his DC to do an expensive hobby twice a week. He didn’t have much spare money for us to pay for dates, etc. so we went on lots of walks, etc and I paid for us to do other activities when I could.
Over time, I’ve been paying for more and more - from holidays to days out, to food / drinks / snacks when all DC are at my house. BF has also asked for help with paying for groceries, etc a few times when he’s had unexpected expenses.
During the summer, we visited some of my family for a holiday. BF was miserable all the time, didn’t suggest any activities, etc and fretting over money the whole time - even though it didn’t cost us anything to stay with my family, and I was paying for food, etc.
This Christmas, he asked if I could help with paying for his DCs presents as he hadn’t had any overtime in recent months. I did help, as well as paid for all the Christmas / New Years food and drinks (he and DC spent it at my house with me and my DC. So far, though, he hasn’t offered any money back.
This week, BF has asked me to help him pay to see a chiropractor as he is having problems with his back and neck. His DD (16) has also started texting me asking me to lend her money for her travel / lunches / snacks and drinks at college, etc. I’ve helped her - but I feel really uncomfortable about it, and don’t understand why BF is still struggling so much for money when he is no longer paying the same amount of child support, not for the expensive hobby (DD gave up and BF hasn’t been going either).
I know I’ve been a bit of a pushover, and I need things to change as I can’t manage to save for works I need to do in my house, etc.
I don’t know how to address this without causing a huge argument… HELP!

Yeah, aren't chiropractors not really qualified - they're kinda quacky.

You'd need to be going to a registered physio.

@Aquamarine1029 Absolutely what you said.

OP, can't you see what you've written? He thinks your children are spoilt because you treat them on a holiday. Did you pay for him to go on that holiday?

His daughter has got a massive nerve, hasn't she? You should have replied, "Sorry, your parents would hate that" - I bet my house she would have replied, "No, they were the ones who suggested it."

I’m guessing that BF sees how I treat my children and thinks his should have the same treatment

But he shouldn’t. Hes a grown arse adult with his own DC he’s not your dependent child.

Every penny he leeches off of you is a penny less for your children’s future.

Surely this is a wake up call that he’s a taker

Not shallow at all, sensible is more the word... Good luck ❤

BF has made some disparaging comments about them being ‘spoilt’ (they really aren’t), and grumbled when they had spending money on holiday, etc when his DC didn’t

He's shit company because he's stressing about money ... Even after you've paid towards his kids Christmas presents, paid for all the food and drink at Christmas and NY, paid for all the food at your parents, he had no costs there etc.

Then he's grumping about your kids getting things or having spending money.

And to top it all off, he and now his kids treat you like a free bank machine.

He's a taker. He's resentful. He's negative.

And I don't believe his little story about his marriage breakdown. One argument over her spending resulted in the end of their marriage and family in its original form?? Hmm

This is not a good person to be in a relationship with.

I’m guessing that BF sees how I treat my children and thinks his should have the same treatment

Then he and his ex, their parents, should provide it.

If they can't, they can't; doesn't mean they are entitled to other people's money and resources.

He has a great deal of entitlement, by the looks of it. And shamelessness. Very unpleasant character traits.

BFs marriage broke down due to a fallout over finances - his story goes that his Ex wife spent a chunk of money without discussing it

Mmm, unfortunately, I see this sort of comment from a man as something of a red flag anyway as experience tells me it's a load of bolocks.

In your case, it absolutely is a problem because it's weird how he had all these finance issues with his ex... and now suddenly he has all these finance issues with you. What is the common denominator here? Also, how do you know he actually did pay child support? Ditto the hobby.

Cynically, I wonder if his ex is on MN saying, "ex has convinced DC to go live with him which I know is just about getting out of paying any CMS" payments.

At the end of the day, at BEST you need to have a conversation with him. If that descends into a huge argument, that is, in itself, a sign that this is not the relationship for you.

Come up with a stock response to any request made by him or his daughter. “Sorry but I’m being very careful with my finances at the moment” and repeat it over and over again. He’ll either reflect on his behaviour and be apologetic, which sounds unlikely, or show his true colours, in which case you’ll have the motivation to bin him and the confidence that that’s the right decision.

One of the first things that made alarm bells ring for me and DH with exBIL... from the beginning, he was completely broke because his he and his ex had bought a house but she'd been taking his money for the mortgage and not paying it and now he was bankrupt. Rather naively, we believed this story and felt sorry for him. The closest thing to judgement we felt was why hadn't he worked out what was happening earlier...

And then, within a few months of him moving in with SIL we realised that for all that he was bankrupt and struggling for money... he had zero interest in making any effort to work more. In fact, round about the time he moved in with SIL he stopped doing night/weekend shifts, reducing his pay significantly.

Sadly, it made bells ring, but they were very small and very quiet and we didn't realise how bad it would get.

I’m guessing that BF sees how I treat my children and thinks his should have the same treatment

His children have two parents. Yours really have one. Why would you pay for his children, OP? Seriously, you are literally taking your children's money off them to give to this entitled man and his cheeky fucker children.

He accused your DC of being spoilt because he begrudges them having money because it's less for him!

I'd ask him for the money back. He will no doubt be cross and leave.

Do not spend another penny on him or his DC.

Thank goodness he is not living with you!

He's not making you support him and his children financially, you're choosing to do that. So either you don't mind or it's worth paying to have a boyfriend.
it isn't really something that anyone else should be telling you to stop doing since you've been happily doing it for so long

This - did you ask if she had asked her parents?

Unless his mortgage and rent have massively rocketed what is he spending the extra money he has now due to reduction in maintenance and stopping expensive hobby?

Drinking, drugs, gambling, more to the ex?

I feel so sorry for your children. You are taking money that should be for them and their future (you have said their father is a waste of space which means they rely on you even more) and given it to this user and his children rather than your own. They should be the priority, what aren't they ?
It is so depressing to read thread after thread of desperate women, women so desperate for a man, any man, that they are willing to actually pay for one. I wouldn't mind but these men are without question total and utter losers, they are not even nice or charming in most cases. Like seriously.. if you do manage to ditch this utter excuse for a man, please please get therapy so you don't just replace him with another version of cocklodger.
You sound lovely but I'm sorry they saw you coming

or show his true colours

He's already shown his true colours, over the course of four years.

I wouldn't lie to him and refuse money "because yiou've not got any to spare". I'd be open and have a frank conversation over a bottle of wine, laying your cards on the table. If he reacts negatively or dismisses your concerns, then hopefully that'll confirm to you this is not a man who respects you - let alone loves you.

Good luck, OP. You can do this!

Who's paying for the wine? 😉

Tbh with OP's follow up posts he sounds even more unreasonable. I don't think she needs to give him any chance to wheedle his way back into her good books.

Me too!

Yes the title of this post is very accurate! He's taking advantage big time OP!

I know this seems to be a thing some women do, they have a BF and start doing it all, and it seems like an ok thing to do because you are together why not, but you don't even live together, and not married, not that it would make any of it ok.

I get it that families all blend together, and I've seen women even helping out looking after their bf's kids whilst he goes to work, well that work is for himself ultimately and what maintenance he pays etc, and maybe a bit towards some food/trips other things. But then I've known women say well he doesn't live here so why would he pay for this or that lol.
It's seen as, you are in a relationship it's what you do......NO

And most men especially these types of men would never be sat there doing the same for the woman lolll not in a million years!!
If it's ok, why aren't they doing it then 🤷🏻‍♀️ exactly!

I know some who do it because they think they will feel/look better for doing all that. Or sadly the main way to keep the guy, no don't ever go there.

He has work he has his home, he cracks on with it, his kids have a mother and father. Let them get on with it.

He might not want to share or put his hand in for things. Then you keep it as that for yourself too!

Why is he asking for so much ‘help’?
are you putting some money towards the amount, or paying in full? If he is asking for help is it half? Etc?

i think it is a good idea to get rid of him.

He's using you, your home and your kindness
Now his kids are treating you like an atm
You're paying for his company.
Make your DC your priority and get rid of this leech

How much in total have you spent on them?

He is financially abusive.

Please ditch this greedy using twat.

He's literally grabbing the pounds out of your children's hands.

^^This, 100%.
He’s using you aside when you eventually realise this he’ll dump you and move onto the next poor sucker.

You’re paying him to go out with you

He sounds a more and more poor quality with every post. .