Been such a mug - how (can?) I turn this around??

[Gloobyfree]

Sorry this is long.
In a really weird place with my BF.
We’ve been together for four years, he has his own home (shared ownership) and I have mine (almost mortgage free).
I have 2 DC full time - no financial contribution / very low contact with their dad. BF has 2 DCs - one who lives with him FT, the other he sees once a week plus EOW.
We both work full time. I out-earn him.
When we met, both of BFs DCs lived with their mum most of the time and BF paid a chunk of child support to their mum (as well he should), plus paid for himself and one of his DC to do an expensive hobby twice a week. He didn’t have much spare money for us to pay for dates, etc. so we went on lots of walks, etc and I paid for us to do other activities when I could.
Over time, I’ve been paying for more and more - from holidays to days out, to food / drinks / snacks when all DC are at my house. BF has also asked for help with paying for groceries, etc a few times when he’s had unexpected expenses.
During the summer, we visited some of my family for a holiday. BF was miserable all the time, didn’t suggest any activities, etc and fretting over money the whole time - even though it didn’t cost us anything to stay with my family, and I was paying for food, etc.
This Christmas, he asked if I could help with paying for his DCs presents as he hadn’t had any overtime in recent months. I did help, as well as paid for all the Christmas / New Years food and drinks (he and DC spent it at my house with me and my DC. So far, though, he hasn’t offered any money back.
This week, BF has asked me to help him pay to see a chiropractor as he is having problems with his back and neck. His DD (16) has also started texting me asking me to lend her money for her travel / lunches / snacks and drinks at college, etc. I’ve helped her - but I feel really uncomfortable about it, and don’t understand why BF is still struggling so much for money when he is no longer paying the same amount of child support, not for the expensive hobby (DD gave up and BF hasn’t been going either).
I know I’ve been a bit of a pushover, and I need things to change as I can’t manage to save for works I need to do in my house, etc.
I don’t know how to address this without causing a huge argument… HELP!

@MrsDanversGlidesAgain it's awful, OP throwing money at some crappy guy, just to have a boyfriend. Taking money from her kids futures/something actually enjoyable. So depressing.

@Gloobyfree

He's a Giagantic Prick User

He was miserable on hols with your family was very telling,

he is not interested in you as a person ,

He just sees you as alternative much more convenient bank of England and his family have quickly followed up as they saw he was getting away for so long as taking you for a mug,

If he was genuine boyfriend / potential partner or husband material,

He would offer and put his hands in his pockets to pay for things a lot more often, especially in regards of his own flesh and blood,
he wouldn't expect or enter in his mind for you to pay for anything remotely in regards of his family,
in for families birthdays or celebrations he would go Dutch pay half at least,

OMG I am furious on your behalf! What a horrible man.

I would immediately end the relationship - either as "taking a break" or finally.

How can he bear to look at himself while he begs you for money. You don't owe him ANYTHING.

You appear to be paying all your household costs and half of his as well. That doesn't seem fair to me.

In essence, you are paying to have a boyfriend.

How on earth are you even considering staying with this man?!! How?! He’s only after money. I can’t imagine anything more unattractive than a pathetic freeloader like him.

You need to tell DP to tell his DD she needs to ask.him for the lunch money not you.

He's obviously told her to ask you.

He's expecting you to be the 'Mother' and look after everyone. He's gradually transitioning you to that role.

I can't understand why you're trying to make this relationship work. Decent men don't behave like this. They do not ask you to subsidise their children. They do not borrow money and never mention about paying it back. Their children certainly don't contact you with sob stories to "borrow" money which they have no intention of paying back. Talking cannot make him a better man or change him from the sponging louse he is.

No man has ever asked these things of me. They must have known I wouldn't entertain this. Also, I'm a solicitor so I've heard it all. I despair of women who don't seek their full share of assets because they "don't want to be greedy". I have been married for over 30 years and I still retain sole ownership and control of my money and investments.

This man is taking money from you and your children to spend it on himself and his children - doesn't that get you angry? I think you have to kiss the money you lent him goodbye as he has absolutely no intention of paying you back and I don't think you want to drag this out in court and it's almost certainly not cost-effective.

So when his DD asks for money, what would happen if you replied 'Ask your mum or dad, I'm not in a position to help you'

Your BF is much poorer than you. He is obviously stress about it. Unless you have a huge chunk of money that you do not need he should pay you back but you need to tell him. Do you know the details of his salary and expenses? This may always affect the situation between you too so have a good conversation and see how it goes.

If he was woman there wouldn’t so much uproar here. Personally if I have enough I would not mind to help temporarily.

@Gloobyfree

To be straight with you cause of how 🤔 much of massive User He is and comes across and his family

I wouldn't trust either what he says about his ex

I think he is telling you partially a story in regards of his former partner and their finances and conviently leaving the rest of the reason's of why their relationship broke down or he is just lying to you to cast himself in a much better light, than the reality,
this cheeky fucker type usaully resort to type sooner or later...

Beware.!

Learn from this steep learning curve

@keylemon it's not temporary. She's been dating this pisstaker for 4 years.
@Gloobyfree no response to your thread?

Just end it. He is taking the piss.

He’s leeching from you financially and emotionally, and severely limiting the life you have in the future. Cut your losses OP.

4 years too long of course. You allowed the situation but can stop immediately. Have the conversation and see what he says but it doesn’t sound good 😌

Please understand that all the money you're spending on him is money you're not spending on giving your children the life they deserve.

@Gloobyfree I understand why you have kept this relationship going, it's about adult companionship and all that brings, after being a single parent.
However, unlike me you've avoided getting married to him - full marks to that.
Yes, you are the kind, generous and sharing type. But, some people can't but take advantage, they don't start off that way, but, they get envious or even start to believe it is their right.

It's a shame, but maybe the other posters are right, he's romance scammer. I'm am glad you have had the doubts surface about his intentions, and have gone into self protection mode.

Now, for the next steps, put yourself and your children first. Put in those boundaries, and stay strong, he won't like it. But, it's your overall wellbeing that counts.

Don't let him back into getting 'a little help' from you, whatever he does or says. It's you that needs all the help you can get to keep the boundaries, his financial problems are not yours. You have your own stuff to sort out, and it costs more than just money.
Wish you well, and thank you for sharing.

If BF cannot afford the life he / we are living now, how can we save or develop anything else for our future together? Does that make me awfully shallow??

It makes you a person who is putting the welfare of herself and her kids first. That's a good Mum, not a shallow one!

It's good that all of this has come to a bit of a head before you moved in together, when I'm sure the financial situation would only have worsened.

For now, while you decide what you want going forward, I would turn the financial aid tap firmly off. I'm sure his reaction when you say no to a request will tell you a lot about who he really is.

Thanks again all for your comments - I am taking everything on board.

The posts about my children have particularly hit home - thinking about it, BF has made some disparaging comments about them being ‘spoilt’ (they really aren’t), and grumbled when they had spending money on holiday, etc when his DC didn’t.

I work hard, and don’t see why I should feel guilty about treating my children, or giving them pocket money when they do chores, etc. They’ve had a crap time, their dad is pathetic and doesn’t provide for them so why shouldn’t I?

I’m guessing that BF sees how I treat my children and thinks his should have the same treatment, which I do try to do when we’re all together, but realistically cannot do forever (driving lessons / uni fees, etc, etc) - where does it stop?

I think you need to take a good look at why you said yes to his daughter. Why wasn't your first response "what did your parents say?" You also say that he should have more money after stopping the expensive hobby, but don't seem to have asked him directly what the issues are. Please say no immediately for any more handouts and have a conversation with him as to why.

If you also don't want to be in a relationship where you can't do anything unless you fund all of it, it's fine to not want that.

No to this OP.

Next time he asks for money I would just say ‘Sorry no, I have nothing spare this month’. Also tell his DC to ask him or their mother for money.

If he reacts badly to this, you know why he’s with you, and it’s time to move on.

I would write off the money you already gave him. Presume you didn’t set up a loan agreement with him. Just don’t give him any more money that could pay for things in your home or things your DC need. It’s outrageous!

With regards his bad back- suggest he goes to the Dr and asks for some physiotherapy instead of asking you to fork out.

Ok? Are you going to dump him or just continue taking money away from your kids lives to have a boyfriend?
In relation to you saying ‘where does it stop?’ -with you. Get a grip and end this sham.

I can't even believe you have been bankrolling this complete freeloading fuckwit, spending money on him when that money should have gone to your kids.

Call him right now and end it. Honestly, give your head a wobble. It's absolutely insane it has gotten to this point.