Been such a mug - how (can?) I turn this around??

[Gloobyfree]

Sorry this is long.
In a really weird place with my BF.
We’ve been together for four years, he has his own home (shared ownership) and I have mine (almost mortgage free).
I have 2 DC full time - no financial contribution / very low contact with their dad. BF has 2 DCs - one who lives with him FT, the other he sees once a week plus EOW.
We both work full time. I out-earn him.
When we met, both of BFs DCs lived with their mum most of the time and BF paid a chunk of child support to their mum (as well he should), plus paid for himself and one of his DC to do an expensive hobby twice a week. He didn’t have much spare money for us to pay for dates, etc. so we went on lots of walks, etc and I paid for us to do other activities when I could.
Over time, I’ve been paying for more and more - from holidays to days out, to food / drinks / snacks when all DC are at my house. BF has also asked for help with paying for groceries, etc a few times when he’s had unexpected expenses.
During the summer, we visited some of my family for a holiday. BF was miserable all the time, didn’t suggest any activities, etc and fretting over money the whole time - even though it didn’t cost us anything to stay with my family, and I was paying for food, etc.
This Christmas, he asked if I could help with paying for his DCs presents as he hadn’t had any overtime in recent months. I did help, as well as paid for all the Christmas / New Years food and drinks (he and DC spent it at my house with me and my DC. So far, though, he hasn’t offered any money back.
This week, BF has asked me to help him pay to see a chiropractor as he is having problems with his back and neck. His DD (16) has also started texting me asking me to lend her money for her travel / lunches / snacks and drinks at college, etc. I’ve helped her - but I feel really uncomfortable about it, and don’t understand why BF is still struggling so much for money when he is no longer paying the same amount of child support, not for the expensive hobby (DD gave up and BF hasn’t been going either).
I know I’ve been a bit of a pushover, and I need things to change as I can’t manage to save for works I need to do in my house, etc.
I don’t know how to address this without causing a huge argument… HELP!

OK, so it's been four years, but you've now realised what's happening so you can do something about it. At least you didn't let him move in. Surely you have the ick now anyway.

Chiropractors need a degree as a minimum to practice.

As for the op, he’s using you as a cash cow. If he cared about you at all, he wouldn’t have sulked the whole time you were away. The sulking was to get you to open your purse.

This is so unfair on your dc. They don't have a choice in this but you do. Add up how much you've spent on him and his dc, and think what you could have done for your dc with that money.

I would be asking him to pay you back some of it before dumping him.

BF has made some disparaging comments about them being ‘spoilt’ (they really aren’t), and grumbled when they had spending money on holiday, etc when his DC didn’t

He's shit company because he's stressing about money ... Even after you've paid towards his kids Christmas presents, paid for all the food and drink at Christmas and NY, paid for all the food at your parents, he had no costs there etc

Sorry what? he complained about YOUR kids having money when his didn't when you've paid for everything like presents and food and his DD tries to tap you for more?

Tell him to fuck off and find another ATM, this one's empty. The absolute chuffing NERVE of this blatant taker.

How much more do you earn than him that you are being guilt tripped into paying for all of the stuff for him and his children?

My dc are older teenagers now and they cost a fortune. One is at university so we have to give her £400 a month to top up her loan to the minimum and the other one is having £70 a week of driving lessons.

The apple hasn't fallen far from the tree has it? How dare his DD ask you for money, she should be asking her own mother if she gets no joy frome he father. Actually, rather than hanging his head in shame about his DD's request, I suspect he has put her up to it. I also think that his explanation about why he divorced is a reverse.
Don't tell me that neither of her own parents are prepared to give her money for food at school, that is bs.
You are going to have to get a backbone and learn to say no. No to buying him food, funding his DC's in any way, no to any money his way at all, he's a grown man fgs, you are enabling him to be dependent.
I suspect if you stop being his cash cow, it won't take long for him to move on. He saw your lifestyle, sussed he was onto a beneficial thing and has taken all he can get from you. Either end it or wave him goodbye once he realises there is no more to wrinse from you, he will be off. Then you will know he was in it for the money.

This is really bad, and he obvs got his daughter to ask you. He’s just using you for money, you don’t need to pay a man to be with you. Please end this and find someone you don’t need to pay, but who wants to be with you because he wants to.

In one of your posts you say you work hard , you do that willingly to put a roof over your head and to support yourself and your dcs .
If your partner was equally hard-working to support his family , he,would be willing to get another job / better paid one to do the same so why supplement his lifestyle to the detriment of yours.
Tbh , I would stop all financial help ( including dates , meals , money to his kids etc )
and see his reaction , I'm guessing he will end the relationship and you will have your answer . A freeloader .

It's fascinating isn't it that his DD has two parents but came to you for money.

You need to redraw your boundaries at the very least but honestly I'd finish it.

I'm a lone parent and if my partner was treating me like this or making comments about how I spend my money on my DD he'd get kicked to the kerb quick.

Also the passive aggressive behaviour at your parents place over the holiday....urggh no.

I hope you are still reading these comments @Gloobyfree . Every single one is telling you he isn't a good man to have in your life. He's taking money off your children's future whilst complaining he needs more.

where does it stop?
It stops when you say no. Start practicing in the mirror. I suspect he will kick off and scream at you for ruining his life like an angry teenager instead of a grown up man. If he doesn't have enough money he can do what normal people do - go without, stop the expensive hobby or get another job. Normal people don't expect their gf/bf to pay, pay, pay. Say no and mean it.

Happy New Year. Looks like you are taking
Stock for the year ahead.

Do not give this guy or his sponging kid another penny. Seriously, every penny that goes to them is taking away from you and your children's future and security.

Tell him no about the chiro. You don't have £ to spare.
Tell him to tell his child never to approach you for money again. It is up to him and his ex to finance his child.
Tell him you need the £ back you lent him at Christmas
Tell him you are really short and could he lend you £500.

Guarantee you will never see him again.

He is a leach and a user. Get rid ASAP.

Morning all.

I am reading every comment, and taking everything on board.

Had a restless night thinking everything through, and the truth is, I know I need to end things.

Thinking his behaviour through more generally, it’s become clear that BF isn’t as invested in the relationship in lots of ways, so the financial element seems all the worse for that.

He asked to come over with his DS today and I put him off, and he’s busy tomorrow so I’ve got some headspace to decide how to tackle things.

What needs tackled? Can you not just dump him? There’s nothing to argue about or discuss.

Really pleased this thread has helped you get things clear in your head OP that he’s a freeloader.
I agree with the op though - there’s nothing to tackle. Tell him this isn’t working for you and you need to end the relationship. Yes you’ll feel sad but you know it’s the right thing.

And I would advise being single for a while and working on your self esteem and boundaries to avoid another similar relationship in the future.

He's invested in your wallet, that much is obvious.

It's really hard to understand what there is to "tackle." He's a user, end of. You can dump this twat with a text message if that's what you want to do. There's nothing to discuss here.

Wow - you lot are mercenary! Wonder how my life would’ve been different if I’d had your level of confidence / boundaries!

I’m in awe!

I suppose, even though I can see the bad behaviour financially, he and his children have still been in my life for a good while, and despite everything I don’t want to end things on bad terms.

We have had lots of good times together, he has helped me get over a very abusive previous relationship, and I am feeling sad about it.

BUT I know what must be done…

You are projecting. It's not us being mercenary but your boyfriend.
Mercenary - primarily concerned with making money at the expense of ethics.

It is easier for strangers to see things more clearly, and that is why forums like this are so helpful, but it doesn't necessarily equate we would have better boundaries ourselves considering most relationships evolve slowly over time. This is your second abusive relationship. I believe you should seriously considering doing the Freedom programme before considering dating again. Good luck OP

@LittleGreenDragons thank you ☺️

@Gloobyfree

You need to take a leaf be inspired by his outlook on life and treat him the same way, by ditching him whithout much of explanation,
other than invoice like letter saying how 🤔 much he owes you,
and asking him for it back in some way,

What is their to discus or think about before ditching him for good to the kerb?

all you need to consirder and reflect on how you ended up with nasty User Prick in the first place?
and how to ensure that you dont end up with either a smilar type in the future or someone else who dosent value you in a different way too?,

He is "invested" in you emotionally as long you keep up the ATM 🏧 cash payments handouts rolling gravy train going on a conviently regular basis,

like an alternative cash payment system back up type of thing for himself and his rest of Shameless exploitive User's brood,

Apple didn't fall far from the tree

@LittleGreenDragons

100 per cent agree with you
very insightful good post..

...and despite everything I don’t want to end things on bad terms.

Everyone wants to think this is possible, and I hate to break it to you, but I guarantee you will see a shocking side of him when he realises his sugar momma is bailing. He is not a good person. Stop putting his feelings above yours.

@LittleGreenDragons

Totally agree 😊

@Aquamarine1029

I agree good post...

Agree with this.

Be firm and make it clear your decision is made and you're letting him know that decision, not debating it or negotiating it.

If you waver, remember what a PP said very astutely:

Every penny he leeches off of you is a penny less for your children’s future.

Your children already have a crap dad you've said. Don't make them lose out to accommodate a crap partner of yours.

The sooner it's done, the sooner you can prioritise your lovely kids and focus on you and them continuing to have a lovely, fun and loving home where they aren't considered spoiled just because you (unlike him) can be arsed to treat them.

Generally all the posters on this thread have been in agreement. Thats when you know its bad 😭😭

OP, he does sound awful but, as you said, you have had good times together. I don't know if it's possible but is there any scope you could scale the relationship right back to casual dating. Might there be any value in that for you or are you looking for 'more'.
One of my brothers is in his early 60's and is in a relationship with someone that's very casual but seems to work for them. It's more than FWB but not much more.

If I were you I'd probably just want to dump him though.