Suspicions about DH - am I being paranoid?

[winterrabbit]

DH and I have been together for 12 years, married for 7 and have 1 child together and 2 older kids each from previous marriages. We've had ups and downs but overall we have a fairly passionate relationship (sex a few times a week) and I think love each other. DH has a very flexible teaching (at university) job, however, nearly every Friday morning he claims he has a meeting and disappears from around 9.30 to 2pm when he resurfaces. It could be completely innocent but he never checks his phone during that time (I can see from whatsapp) and goes every week even out of term time when there are no lectures. He's always quite vague when I ask him where he is doing and says it's a meeting to do with his research group (which I know exists) but I am still suspicious as it's always Friday mornings and he is always completely offline. By way of background, DH's had a long affair with another woman during his last marriage who was a student (a mature student) at his uni which is raising my suspicions. I did try to pin him down about the meetings once but he got angry that I was suspicious and said I had no reason to be. What do I do? Let is go?

He may have a lot of PhD students to supervise, in which case once a week for each student takes a heck of a lot of time.

A horrible predicament to be in, OP.

Is it fair to say (I think some posters HNRTFT) that it’s established that if there’s infidelity, it’s most likely sex worker(s) and not an affair?

He has a high sex drive, has cheated before, and perhaps from previous enjoys the thrill of the illicit / secrecy / unequal power positions.

OTOH, there’s no actual evidence of anything.

I think in your shoes, I’d want to know. But I understand too the decision to let sleeping dogs lie, if you have children and he’s a great dad to them.

Most university research groups have gone back to the weekly meetings being f2f and don’t really like people doing them remotely. Most people I know wouldn’t turn their phone off for the meeting though. Is he very work
conscientious?

Oh my goodness, if six months is the benchmark for marriages being over, I imagine a lot are when there are babies and young children involved.

Id also be suspicious OP. But I also wouldn’t have married him in the first place with his past tbh.

Two posters so far have said this and they are wrong. HPV is not a STI.

@winterrabbit it is a horrible feeling to have. I would have a calm conversation and say your past behaviour wasn't great, I feel like this and I need you to respect and love me enough to tell the truth or give me proof of some sort that you are not cheating. Your annoyance makes you seem very guilty. He should want to reassure you and shouldn't be too stupid to understand why you feel as you do. Rarely do women get these feelings for no reason.

Were you doing a postgrad degree like a PhD? The number of meetings you have with your supervisor is entirely different to the number an undergrad would have with a tutor. Weekly/ monthly meetings are very common with PhD students.

I would.

Do you not know anyone in his research team? I would ask them if he is in on a Friday morning or what the meeting is. Personally I would find it strange if you know nothing about any of the people he works with. Most academics I know would
talk about their research staff to their partner.

Weekly meetings EVERY SINGLE FRIDAY even in the holidays?

OP you say you've refrained from hiring a PI etc because if you did that would mean you had bo trust and the marriage would be over. But you're already thinking about doing it so the trust is not there, is it? His explanation sounds plausible to me, but of course he could be lying. If it were me I'd either sit him down and have a frank discussion about struggling to trust him and get some counselling, or I'd hire a PI etc and if nothing was found and I still didn't trust him again it's either counselling or end the relationship. You can't keep living like this, it will kill your affection for him in the end.

put a cheap smart phone or an apple I tag in the car upholstery (tape under the parcel shelf might work) and if a phone, with the location device on on the phone.

Quite possible if he is very senior and on some committees and boards that have meetings for hours. But not in the holidays.

OP said, every Friday even not in term time.

Academics get the same leave time as anyone else and don't just have meetings during teaching terms.

I am a university lecturer and researcher, same as your Dh. I’m baffled by some of the responses in this thread. 😂 It is completely normal to have a weekly standing in-person meeting.

Yes, most of my meetings are online because my team is all over the UK, not in the same uni. But lots of teams meet in person. This has become especially so in the past year or two if the head has gotten billy big cock about wfh culture. There are some (old school) folks who make a point to push back hard against online meetings just to make a point. Friday would be an ideal time for such a meeting as there is often less teaching on Fridays and a lot more room booking availability in the meeting requires a room bigger than just someone’s office. But nothing about any of this sounds suspicious from a work perspective. University departments have their own work cultures and you can’t really compare them to practices in civil service or advertising or finance or whatever.

And yes, we carry on working all year. There is no ‘term time’. 😂 It’s not a primary school. Only time my university is closed is between Christmas and New Year and the couple days around Easter. Otherwise meetings happen during half terms and all summer and 2 days before Christmas, etc. It’s not unusual for people to still attend their standing meetings even on annual leave.

It’s also possible it’s something like counselling provided through occupational health or staff wellbeing. I’ve accessed those services at my university before and certainly didn’t announce it to my Dh. I just said I had a meeting.

I'm not sure if you're able to. But on our family computer/laptop we can switch Google users. There you can view location history (if he has it turned on). Not sure if he would leave it logged in, but I very rarely remember to log out of Google when I've been using it.

For me the regular day and time sound OK. But the length of the meeting- three hours a week seems outlandish.

What do they talk about, it doesn’t seem productive at all.

Some of the responses on this thread are nuts. Private investigators and Air Tags?

I once snooped on a partner when I felt a nagging doubt and he poo-pooed my feelings. I confirmed my suspicions that he was up to all kinds but it was a horrible experience. One thing I learned was to trust my own feelings - either I was right or I wasn't getting the reassurance I needed to feel secure and either is a deal breaker so no need to snoop.

I mean, I have friends I could ask but they'd think I am totally mad as most of my friends think he's wonderful.

What do you think though? Is he wonderful?

It might be that you are at serious risk of spoiling your relationship - assuming everything else is ok - because your focus is totally on what may or may not be happening on Friday mornings.

No one can be 100% sure of anyone else's fidelity.

Does your distrust stem totally from his past history or are there things from your past that also bring worrying about faithfulness to the forefront of your mind?

It might help to switch your focus away from him & back to the lovely you & explore ways to improve your sense of self esteem & self value so that you are already in a good place - whether if some day down the line you find out he is cheating or you find out he is not.

Are these meetings a new thing OP? What was he doing on a Friday morning during covid lockdowns? Any online meetings during that time?

I think instead of listening to the advice of mumsnetters who love drama ( no hate , im one ! ) you really need an honest conversation with your husband . If you follow him , hire someone to follow him etc then you are crossing a boundary . If you did this and found out he was up to something then what you have done would be irrelevant- however , if you did it and it was confirmed he wasn’t doing anything wrong then how would you feel going forward knowing you had followed him / hired someone to follow him ?

Just my opinions , but :

• he had an affair in the past . Yes , affairs are disgusting and destroy people . However , you have been together 12 years - has he ever cheated on you in any way ? If he’s worked hard to prove himself , recognise that . I’m not saying to not be wary , this is more for the comments of others on this post who have immediately judged him.
• I am a teacher - not uni , so we can’t have phones during teaching hours anyway, but once a week - and it was on a Friday - I used to have a non teaching day. On this day , there was nothing stopping me using my phone but because members of leadership were present , I just always felt like I shouldn’t be on it so only used to very occasionally look at it . Same as staff meetings - some after school , some in mornings - I never used to go on my phone during them . This was more professional courtesy.
• him wanting sex on a Friday - if he knew he was going somewhere to get it why would he then want it with you first ? If he is up to something it’s a bit sick to be honest, to do something intimate with you then jump out of bed , not shower and go to another woman . You clearly think him capable of cheating but do you also think him capable of that ? Also sorry to be crude but if he’s just shot his load is he then going to in the mindset to jump up and run across town to do it again?
• Changing shirts - I now work as a supply teacher and honestly a spare shirt in the cupboards of classrooms with male teachers is a lot more common than you think ! Have you seen how much men sweat ! Sweat patches are visible on men’s shirts, teaching is a job where you are on display and I can imagine teaching adults could be quite daunting sometimes so certainly a situation where he would sweat a lot and not want to walk around all day with pit stains !
• social media - a sudden disappearance from social media could be unsettling, but from what you say he’s not had it since you have been together ? If so I wouldn’t see that as a worry. As I say I’m a teacher , a few years back I realised my profile was very open and I was teaching in schools very local to me I just didn’t want parents or students snooping on my life so I closed my page , made a new page using my middle name instead of my surname . Pretty common for teachers - advised by uni and schools - however , I didn’t think of how that would look to my husband and he was a little suspicious about it!

He may well be cheating OP . But he also may not and I think you will continue to over analyse things and drive yourself crazy unless you talk to him and I think you need to be really clear that you want to trust him but the signs are not helping and you can’t help how you feel . Tell him how close you have been to following him but you didn’t want to cross that line. If he cares deeply for you then even if he feels as though he shouldn’t have to , he will do what he can to prove to you that he is not cheating . If he turns it on you and gets very defensive then I would say that’s not a good sign and if you do have to resort to following him or something like that - at least you can say you tried to avoid that . But at that point , I would question if it’s worth it or if the marriage is already over .

Good luck and I hope your fears are unfounded x

Weekly meetings EVERY SINGLE FRIDAY even in the holidays?

Quite normal in my experience, even through the holidays.

Holidays are for undergrad students, everybody else carries on working through the year.

I’m sorry, can’t let this wild piece of misinformation slide.

HPV is absolutely an STI. The WHO, CDC, NHS, UK Dept of Health, PHAC, and every other major health organization I’ve seen are clear on this.

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/sexually-transmitted-infections-stis/
https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/sexually-transmitted-infections-(stis)
https://www.cdc.gov/std/default.htm
https://www.canada.ca/en/public-health/services/infectious-diseases/sexual-health-sexually-transmitted-infections/human-papillomavirus-hpv.html
https://www.gov.uk/government/collections/hpv-vaccination-programme

We have all fallen over ourselves to provide reasons that he is not cheating - which is quite interesting in itself.

Of course none of us knows what is going on but I can totally understand why you are paranoid, and he has done nothing to alleviate your suspicion.

I hadn’t rtft so the revelation that he wants sex on Fridays before the meeting also sounds weird. Is it the usual thing to want and have sex before going to work? And not showering is just a bit - ewww - off. He is willing to mingle with colleagues while he has body odour from the night before as well as from your morning exertions? Not very collegiate. Gross.

Just read all the messages!
I was also going to suggest a group meeting along the lines of AA or sex a addicts group.

If you really want to know ask a friend to follow him or I'll do it for a nice bottle of red!