Suspicions about DH - am I being paranoid?

[winterrabbit]

DH and I have been together for 12 years, married for 7 and have 1 child together and 2 older kids each from previous marriages. We've had ups and downs but overall we have a fairly passionate relationship (sex a few times a week) and I think love each other. DH has a very flexible teaching (at university) job, however, nearly every Friday morning he claims he has a meeting and disappears from around 9.30 to 2pm when he resurfaces. It could be completely innocent but he never checks his phone during that time (I can see from whatsapp) and goes every week even out of term time when there are no lectures. He's always quite vague when I ask him where he is doing and says it's a meeting to do with his research group (which I know exists) but I am still suspicious as it's always Friday mornings and he is always completely offline. By way of background, DH's had a long affair with another woman during his last marriage who was a student (a mature student) at his uni which is raising my suspicions. I did try to pin him down about the meetings once but he got angry that I was suspicious and said I had no reason to be. What do I do? Let is go?

Sort your own diary out so you can travel with him and meet a friend at the uni - you'd need a real reason to be at the uni and not somewhere else. Just spring it on him and then see what happens.

I don't like the sound of it at all, but then if I was the OW once a week wouldn't be enough for me, so what was the pattern of his last affair? Was that a once a week trist?

Does he ever talk about his work at the end of Friday? I would be a bit suspicious if he never ever moans or laughs about the people in those meetings.

I very much doubt it's an affair. For one thing meeting up every Friday morning for scheduled sex sessions doesn't exactly sound exciting.

He went on to have another child with her though? Unless he has two baby mamas?

It’s highly unlikely these meetings would last for hours.

Sorry but I think you need to dig deeper.

You don’t trust him, and neither would I.

Most people? Who are these “most people”

It’s highly unlikely these meetings would last for hours

They can, and do.

I’ve taught in two universities and would find this a bit odd. Friday is a normal teaching day so there would usually be student activities The weekly schedule usually changes as to if students are in or not, so different activities over summer/xmas etc to term time.
I don’t think I ever went to a regular meeting as long as that ever, but obviously can only speak for the courses/institutions I taught at.
it’s a lot of student time to spend in a meeting. What is his research in?

I’ve taught in two universities and would find this a bit odd

It is perfectly normal for me. I work all week but don’t teach every day. I have meetings that have a regular time slot throughout the year. I might not be able to attend all of them, but that is expected.

He meets every Friday morning
He won’t cancel ever or re arrange
He won’t discuss
He deflects by arguing if you question it ( defensive )
He also changes shirts through the week
He’s cheated before with a student

And don’t forget your gut .

I think it also sounds sex worker or student ut the last comment from someone who lectures , I would say it’s another student .

Many ideas here you think may are highly impossible and not like your dh always turn out to be exactly one of them .

Id ask him one last time about Fridays and really push for an answer ask why he always kicks off and why he won’t discuss
If you don’t get anywhere I would take the day off work through the week . You say you can’t be bothered I’d be bothered to get to the bottom of how I was feeling.
Id also be at the uni first on a Friday , somewhere I can see if he appears and leaves or not .

I agree.

For starters he would have very likely been sacked if found out to be sleeping with a student it is immaterial that she was a mature student. Relationships between staff and students are forbidden, it’s written in to our staff contracts. So to me he is immediately a snake and not just because he had an affair but who with. That’s your issue. It isn’t totally implausible that he does have a meeting every week. Have you never met any of his research students ? Both DH and I have met each others students on occasion and we have had dinners for them. On one memorable occasion one helped DH put up a garden shed as I was pregnant and couldn’t help.

However, you chose to be with him knowing his history and I don’t think it’s fair 12 years later to let that put suspicion in your mind he could do it again.

Late to make a comment on that particular post, but that’s a lot if rubbish!

I haven't read all the posts so sorry if this has been asked and answered, but what is his research meetings for? What is he researching? Can you ask him about the research, query what the end goal is, what did he talk about today, when are these meetings/the project likely to be completed etc etc. Can he show you any notes/documents from these meetings? That would surely be evidence enough if he can show you a word document or written notes which were taken that day during the meeting?

Huge red flags , if you want to know find out , don’t let it slide , he has form and will lie
very odd that these meetings carry on even outside of term time most professors et cetera go away in the summer that one would really bother me.
a few similar things re my cheating ex
no social media what’s app ?
some thing to try is
say your phone has died and ask to use his
what’s his password? Do you know it
if not why not . If he squirms u will know , watch his actions and don’t listen to word salad .
pleased to here your finances are separate
i would be wanting a look at his banking tbh
again password needed
my ex had “ overnight meetings and always had his phone switched off in the evenings
he would call and say goodnight to daughter then “ off to company dinner”etc
And was always from the get go weird about his phone , and never used my name always a darling or pet name
I didn’t twig until a male mate pointed that out
cheater 101

Put a tracker on his car that’s what I did with my ex husband

Your marriage is over, it’s on the green mile. Dead man walking. You don’t remotely trust him, and you’re even considering following him. It’s aappalling. No relationship can survive that.

there is nothing to suggest he’s cheating. This is a you problem and it’s so extreme it will end your marriage.

I agree you need to find out. Could be a meeting, could be an affair and no one on here can tell you. In an ideal world everyone trusts their partners, but, sometimes we don't, and once it takes hold, I don't think you can live with the uncertainty. Trusting him not is going to stop this being an affair, so forcing yourself to try and trust alters nothing and may facilitate your continued betrayal. It would be daft to just leave him, because it might indeed be a meeting. So all you've got left is to find out. People saying they'd be hurt or furious if their partners followed them, well yes, if you're blameless you would be, and if he is and finds out I'm sure he will be too. But it can really be helped but take the risk, as there's no viable alternative.

You sound completely deranged. Given how he treated his first wife he deserves nothing less.

Offer him sex when he gets home after his meeting and see what he says or does !! 🤣

I think one thing to bear in mind, particularly in light of @SamiaK 's post, is that research conditions in universities are quite variable by institution and subject. In some places, a weekly meeting where you're expected to be physically present is absolutely normal, in others less so. And Friday would be as good a day as any to have that meeting. I would reiterate PP saying that research does take place outside of teaching terms and academics can be very busy during those times. They need to be doing the research on which their teaching is based, or they're sunk.

So either the OP's DH is genuinely going to a research meeting or he's chosen an entirely plausible cover story, if you actually know how universities work. What makes me suspicious isn't the meetings, or the lack of SM presence, but the lack of a shower and getting changed during the day. There's something quite primal and weird about leaving the house unshowered after having sex, because it's a way of advertising that you have just had sex. So if he's having an affair, then he's showering outside the home before and/ or afterwards. Whatever it is, it's odd.

If anything it sounds like he’s doing tutorial on Fridays at the uni.
One to ones with students, that’s most likely why he can’t answer his phone. Doesnt sound dodgy to me at all

very odd that these meetings carry on even outside of term time most professors et cetera go away in the summer that one would really bother me.

Undergrad teaching load reduces during the vacation periods but research, postgrad teaching and admin carries on throughout the year.

A somebody else has already pointed out, the only time a university is closed is between Christmas and New Year.

If OP does not already know what her DH is researching, it shows a shocking lack of interest.

But ... the day to day minutiae of research is desparately dull for most people. It's not like "normal" meetings where you make tangible progress - it can take years to be in a position to show results. If DH tells OP they had a presentation from one person about what they'd been working on and where they'd got to where they mulled over future options, and then had a discussion about a paper that they'd been sent to review (and academics will happily spend 3 hours discussing 1 sentence) will this make her any the wiser or any happier?

I don't know if OP's DH is telling the truth or not. But the idea of a regular research meeting is completely reasonable, so not in itself a massive red flag like some people are suggesting. As enough people on this thread who actually have experience of this have attested.

@NoraZ

Given what OP has said so far, it's extremely unlikely she will know the name of his EA or SEA (which is what is department will have, as I said already).

I have both, for my team of 8, that I manage.

If someone knew their name to contact them (unlikely), they'd be able to say what the calendar said but would not be able to say anymore than that eg their location, unless the staff member had made it explicit. Presumably OP's DH has put 'research meeting' in his calendar, as opposed to anything more suspicious.