Suspicions about DH - am I being paranoid?

[winterrabbit]

DH and I have been together for 12 years, married for 7 and have 1 child together and 2 older kids each from previous marriages. We've had ups and downs but overall we have a fairly passionate relationship (sex a few times a week) and I think love each other. DH has a very flexible teaching (at university) job, however, nearly every Friday morning he claims he has a meeting and disappears from around 9.30 to 2pm when he resurfaces. It could be completely innocent but he never checks his phone during that time (I can see from whatsapp) and goes every week even out of term time when there are no lectures. He's always quite vague when I ask him where he is doing and says it's a meeting to do with his research group (which I know exists) but I am still suspicious as it's always Friday mornings and he is always completely offline. By way of background, DH's had a long affair with another woman during his last marriage who was a student (a mature student) at his uni which is raising my suspicions. I did try to pin him down about the meetings once but he got angry that I was suspicious and said I had no reason to be. What do I do? Let is go?

It will show he’s in the University.
It will also show if he’s not.

@OverTheGrip

Engage brain.

If he’s having an affair with a student they could very well be shagging on campus.

Therefore AirTag will give next to no info.

If there is this level of distrust she shouldn’t be in the relationship.

a) he’s cheating and relationship is over.
b) he’s not, she’s being entirely unfair (and psychopathic) and the relationship should be over because he deserves better.

It’s done either way.

What’s the point committing a criminal offence stalking the guy?

@Justia

I could type a long counter argument to your post but refuse to argue with anyone who’s rude enough to tell me to ‘engage brain’

I actually think it's pretty bizarre that you don't know much about his job, like how research continues all year. One of the biggest bugbears of most academics is people saying "did you have a nice summer off?" Like we are teachers and didn't spend all summer slogging our guts out over research articles and grant proposals.

I'd like to think I'm fairly pragmatic and am of the same view as @FairyMaclary

I would believe he was hiding something on basis of leaky cup theory. Ie cumulatively there are too many weird things going on for it to be absolutely nothing.
The weirdest part for me is the changing shirts /tops mid working day. If my DH or I did this it would be because we had experienced some sort of catastrophic food/stain related incident.
I'd just need to know either way.

I'd try the airtag first as I'm cheap financially cautious.
His lecture bag is a good place for it . I'd either find a deep pocket and stitch the airtag into a small piece of black fabric and secret it there or find a seam / weak point in the lining amd stitch it into the bag. Alternatively stitch into a seam of his regular coat.

I'd then consider the PI route

In both sectors I've worked in I have been repeatedly shocked by how opportunistic / sleazy/unfaithful "nice men" can be.
I am not particularly sexy and give strong "if it's not work related fuck off I'm not interested" vibes in general yet still they will have a go. One said he knew I wasn't interested but thought he'd try "on the off chance"... I was about to get engaged at the time he had 2 children one under 2 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫
While most seemingly can keep a lid on it 9-5, all bets seem to be off at any work social/evening events and international travel is like a full moon and sends them totally doolally.

Please don't get eaten up by suspicion.

Having a fixed regular weekly meeting doesn’t seem odd to me at all. I am a Project mgr and often have regular weekly meetings with different clients. My DH is in the medical field and also has fixed periods when he has meetings, clinics etc. weekly. Nothing odd about it. I usually only check messages and whatsapp at lunch. I ask people to call if anything important as I have to concentrate on my work and Teams chat is busy as it is without finding time to keep checking my mobile. I don’t find anything remotely odd about your DH’s behaviour as some people prefer in person meetings while others are ok with remote meetings. Though I guess based on past history you have suspicions. May I ask why you are suddenly suspicious?! Has something changed to make you so? You obviously knew his history when you started out. So I would have thought you would have been more suspicious then rather than now.

I think that your suspicions are reasonable considering everything you have said.

On those other days that he randomly changes his shirt at work, have you looked at the 'dirty' shirt? Any recriminating smells or marks?

If it's another woman he could be showering at hers on the assigned day (most Escorts would insist for example ) but not get the chance if he grabs a midweek quickie..

Android phones have tracking facilities too its not unique to iPhones.

It depends how senior he is. Some senior people will have EAs that do manage their diaries and other things. More senior people may have meetings that go for a few hours weekly, or less often, or many research groups. So the Friday long meeting OP's DH apparently has doesn't necessarily not fit for me, especially if he is more senior.

Given his past history though, I can see why OP would have a lack of trust.

Op, I'm friends with a London based former PI, now retired so free TFL travel (!) whom I'm sure would follow for you as a favour to put your mind at rest. She's done it once before for another MN poster, unfortunately on that occasion it was not not a positive outcome but it provided the proof needed.

This is the best post so far. There is so much work to do at a uni - admin, prep, teaching, research, team meetings - that a weekly meeting for several hours is an unlikely waste of time. What’s he up to? Perhaps he just needs and takes time to himself?

OTH your suspicions haven’t come from nowhere. Could be another affair (?). There is a certain type of lecturer who sees the students as a kind of perk of the job. Ime many of these men present as good husbands and fathers (which I suppose they are in a way) which broadens their appeal to students. Affairs of this sort at uni are so commonplace - whether between colleagues or lecturer-student.

Worst case scenario is he’s having an affair and you should leave him. Best case scenario he’s telling the truth and he should leave you, because clearly the trust is gone either way. If he’s innocent of this as you’ve really considered all of the mad ideas that PPs have (a private investigator being the maddest I think) over having an uncomfortably but necessary conversation with him then he has every right to get shot of you.

Just talk to him ffs, because it sounds like you’ve both avoided whatever the conversation needs to be.

University research fellow here. I disagree with @SamiaK

I have many weekly meetings, most are hybrid and I’ll usually log in remotely to, but there are a couple where it is usually in person. While I could log in, I’d be the only one on a big screen while everyone else is physically in the meeting room together, so would just be weird and is not really done unless there are childcare issues or illness. It’s also extremely rude to be on your phone in small group meetings so while most people have their phones, they are not checked.

Also, I haven’t heard of any research that only happens in term time. Research happens all year round. I’m not sure what term time has to do with research to be honest? Teaching and research are completely different.

OP this Friday meeting sounds totally normal and believable. That’s not to say your DH can be trusted of course - only you know that.

Wtf has society come to that it’s seemingly unacceptable to be uncontactable for any period of time.

People have the right to attend meetings without having to have their mobile phones glued to them at all times. In fact I think it should be encouraged more not less. It’s high time we stopped being so reliant on mobile devices and so demanding of other people that we should never not be able to contact them. It’s not healthy.

And these threads always bring out the unhinged essentially emotional abusers. Because stalking is emotional abuse. Hiring investigators to follow people, putting trackers in their bags and their cars, following them around, constantly accusing them is emotional abuse.

No-one would tolerate a man doing it, if a woman came on here saying her husband had hired a private detective to follow her or that she’d found an AirTag sewed into the lining of her bag the response would be to ltb.

The reasons are irrelevant. it’s not ok. If you don’t trust someone, then you leave. Because the truth is that doing all these things isn’t going to put your mind at rest, it’s only going to make you want to go to more extreme levels to prove you’re right.

I had an ex like this. Hacked into all my social media to see what I was up to. Didn’t find anything so put a keylogger on my computer. Didn’t find anything so enabled find my on my phone. Didn’t find anything so started getting his mates to follow me. And ultimately admitted that it became necessary for him to prove himself right and so the stalking would never have ended. I’m nearly fifteen years on from all that now and I still get paranoid that he could be watching me.

The past is irrelevant. It happened before he met the OP. She accepted it and decided to marry him. You don’t just get to throw someone’s past in their face when it suits. You either accept it, in which case you believe what he’s telling you, or you don’t, in which case you leave.

If so something he doesn’t want you to know about. What about an air tag or follow him.

My first thought when reading your opening post was he was skiving! Going in to work and then either sleeping or just dragging out any work he did do whilst he had time alone or something like that but the ‘drip feeds’ do make me understand why your suspicions have been aroused too.

@fabulous01 swap the gender roles here and see tell me what your gut reaction to a man airtagging a woman would be. Jesus Christ.

None of what you’ve written so far, OP, suggests an affair. He’d have to be very comfortable with his affair partner to be going unshaven / unshowered.

TBH, I would be leaving this well alone. If you get caught out ‘investigating’ him in some way (and assuming nothing dodgy is going on) then what is an otherwise happy-sounding marriage could well be ruined.

Friday research meetings are normal, research meetings every single week is normal (not Christmas or Good Friday), not checking devices is normal.

I have a Friday meeting with a postdoc and yesterday it took from 10.30 to 3.30. We get on very well, but by Friday afternoons we’re sick of the sight of each other! Fortunately our spouses don’t suspect an affair.

It’s also normal not to like talking about team meetings. Lots of academics hate research team meetings for a range of reasons - introversion, team politics, boredom, grandstanding during the meeting. Academia can also be a brutally competitive profession. Research meetings often focus on who is publishing what, and if your publications are less numerous or prestigious than those of others, it can be uncomfortable.

The only odd part is OP having so little idea what goes on in her husband’s work life. How do you not know research goes on all year?

Also agree with a previous poster that if he works in the humanities this meeting could actually be some research time. I have a non-meeting in my diary on Wed morning and Fri evening (post postdoc) for this.

I don’t think there is anything suspicious at all about your DHs behaviour. He’s working and can’t use his phone.
Both myself and my DH go into work during the holidays, we have long meetings, need to get research and prep done and work on proposals. Neither of us answer messages on our phones during this time. We also know roughly what each other is working on and discuss ideas with each other. What is your DH working on? Have you met other members of his dept?

Please don’t stalk your DH, talk to him. Sit him down and make him explain himself and tell him how you feel. Tell him if your suspicions and get the measure of his reaction. Only once you’ve had this conversation can you decide if your suspicions have any foundation.

Agree with this. And if you're not having regular research meetings then you're either on a teaching-only contract or you aren't going to do that well when you haven't got your REF submission in a few years because your research output is too low.

Fwiw, I would never EVER respond to a personal message during a meeting. I wouldn't even check my phone.

Exactly this! Academic life summed up

Frankly, I would be more concerned that he is skiving work or is one of those academics who hardly ever are there for the students or to collaborate with other members of staff. One single fixed meeting a week? FGS!

He must be at a research meeting, or doing his open door hours but good grief, once a week? No lectures? Jeez!