Suspicions about DH - am I being paranoid?

[winterrabbit]

DH and I have been together for 12 years, married for 7 and have 1 child together and 2 older kids each from previous marriages. We've had ups and downs but overall we have a fairly passionate relationship (sex a few times a week) and I think love each other. DH has a very flexible teaching (at university) job, however, nearly every Friday morning he claims he has a meeting and disappears from around 9.30 to 2pm when he resurfaces. It could be completely innocent but he never checks his phone during that time (I can see from whatsapp) and goes every week even out of term time when there are no lectures. He's always quite vague when I ask him where he is doing and says it's a meeting to do with his research group (which I know exists) but I am still suspicious as it's always Friday mornings and he is always completely offline. By way of background, DH's had a long affair with another woman during his last marriage who was a student (a mature student) at his uni which is raising my suspicions. I did try to pin him down about the meetings once but he got angry that I was suspicious and said I had no reason to be. What do I do? Let is go?

There is so much work to do at a uni - admin, prep, teaching, research, team meetings - that a weekly meeting for several hours is an unlikely waste of time.

That's nonsense.

If it's a research project, it's entirely possible.

And universities are famed for long, recurring meeting (I speak from experience!)

(and academics will happily spend 3 hours discussing 1 sentence)

Some academics will happily spend three hours discussing the merits of different types of chalk.

It's amazing. You are the very first person on the thread to suggest these options.

😑

This is eerily close to an actual discussion I had to sit in on this week 😂

Not chalk, but the length of the blackboard v whiteboard in newly refurbished lecture rooms. (They don't like using the whiteboard (electronic + marker use), they want the blackboard (chalk) but are running out of space (maths / formulae) on it compared to the whiteboard.

I wouldn’t do this. We have AirTags in our cars but if I drive do’s car the tag or my phone makes a noise because the tag isn’t registered to me. And vice versa. Anti-stalking measure I think.

I’d be telling him my concerns and would expect a reasonable explanation and probably him showing me proof via his diary or something. If he got defensive then I’d be apologising and saying that I really hope I was wrong but also saying that he has form so it’s understandable.
If he can’t reassure me after that, then you’ve really got problems. Bigger ones than your suspicions.

Oh grief. You've just reminded me of the meeting where there was a 2 hour discussion on the merits of different sizes of spaces between words.

What often happens in an affair situation is that the person having sex with someone else, loses interest sexually in their spouse. This clearly hasn't happened. And I also think most men having an affair would spruce themselves up before meeting their lover. My money is on him not having an affair. I do think he could be up to something secret, such as a GA meeting. But that would be a good thing not a bad thing. I also think it's entirely possible he's working on something and doesn't look at his phone during those hours. I'm involved with something at the moment that requires a 2 hr meeting each week inc school holidays and I need privacy for it, so I go into my office for the zoom call (it's not work related.) I try to give it my full attention so really try to avoid looking at my phone.

What? He’s given a reasonable explanation . He has a research group meeting, what’s unreasonable about that? And what is looking at his diarg going to prove?

the fact that he goes outside of term time is a huge red flag for me
I work in a college and nothing would be scheduled outside of term time

I'm finding it quite surprising that so many people work for companies where looking at your phone during f2f meetings (unless expecting an urgent call) is actually acceptable and not considered deeply unprofessional.

I think the prevalence of wfh has meant that some people have forgotten f2f working etiquette.

My DH is quite senior and has his own EA. I do know her name and can converse with her quite freely on the rare occasion I've had cause to contact her (like to let her know DH was unexpectedly in hospital and couldn't call himself, so please cancel his schedule). If she didn't know where he was and I couldn't get him direct, it would be easy for me to ask her to track him down and let him know he needs to call home immediately (only in a real emergency would I ask this, of course). So if OP's DH is more senior, he could have an EA of his own.

University holidays are traditionally busy times for research (no pesky students to get in the way). It's not in the slightest a red flag.

You work in a college. The OP’s husband works in a university. They are not the same.

As has been explained several times in this thread, work carries on at a university even when the undergrad students are not there.

I haven't read every single post so I apologise if I'm the 15th person to link to this, but the whole thing reminds me of the mystery surrounding Sheldon Cooper's regular meetings.

OP, is it possible that this is a writing session as well as a research team meeting? Is he publishing? I always turn off my phone and go radio silent during these sessions.

Most people don't work in an office on Fridays....

....which means that the traffic/trains are much clearer, and you're guaranteed decent office space (ours often gets overbooked on Tuesdays so you can't get a desk/ meeting room)

... making Fridays ideal for a weekly meeting, and feels more laid back than a normal office day!

Being on a Friday isn't a reason itself for suspicion.

If I was trying to disguise an affair I wouldn’t change whilst at work as it’s very suspicious . Still I guess men can be stupid at times.

As someone who works in a University, as a PA for a head of a research group and someone who has had to sit in and take minutes for HOURS at research meetings I can tell you it is entirely possible he is telling the truth. Also on a Friday I'd say most senior academics are in. The uni is defo quieter that day but it means they can get work done without interruption or have crucial meetings without having to be back to back all day.
He has several research group meetings at the same time every week and although post covid there are options for attending remotely, he attends every single one in person - except for when not in the country. 3 hours + is pretty standard too and more often than not they always run over. The tangents academics go on... Jesus. Ive had to excuse myself from minuting duties as my work day was ending. The chalk/whiteboard comments from earlier in this thread are all too real. I find they dont tend to discuss anything with people outside their research groups either.
I have no thoughts on whether he is cheating OP - sorry you are feeling this way. Just thought you'd like some insight into academic life at a Uni. From my lowly admin perspective anyway.

Oh and just to add we are not subject to any term times either. Our particular school doesn't operate that way. Its mon to fri all year apart from public holidays and total university closures over Christmas

Please do not follow him or tag/track him. There would be outrage if a husband did this to his wife.

if you can’t trust him then the relationship is done.

It's really incredible how a lot of posters are simply unable to comprehend that different jobs and different sectors have different norms.

Utterly bizarre that a meeting at the same time each week should be considered suspicious at all.

And the OP herself seems way too sensible to engage in the more batshit advice on this thread but it's truly disturbing to see how many posters either think it's OK to stalk or electronically tag their partners, or who just enjoy treating someone else's problem as their own personal soap opera.

I have a regular weekly meeting and I wouldn’t check my phone during it - does this mean I am cheating?

What's his contract split? Academics at my institution are typically 40% research, 30% teaching and 30% administration so he should be spending at least 2 days a week on research, perhaps less if he's very productive over summer and isn't inundated with admin during that time.

Exactly this. Even at my Uni, each faculty and even the schools within those faculties operate differently. Some are term time, some are not. Under grad and post grad operate differently. Some are industrial collaborators so work even when the Uni is closed as their partners organisation is still open