To accept the risk of losing my sister with honesty

[Balloonpopper101]

My sister has been ‘dating’ a jobless, weed smoking loser for the past year. She has 3 young children and moved him in very quickly. He doesn’t help her, he doesn’t work or pay his way, she feeds and clothes him and treats him better than her own children, she bails him out when he has a drunken fight at a pub and I feel like she’s changed as a person so much yet she defends him constantly.
She is happy (or so she says) and doesn’t see the issues I do. My concern is that he is using her for somewhere to live and someone to fund his addictions. His ex went to court to ensure he kept away from her and his sons. My sister thinks the ex is jealous and made it up.
They’ve just had a baby together and he’s taken off. He doesn’t help with the baby and abandons them regularly to smoke weed. So now she is struggling with 4 children and on universal credit and to be completely honest, I have no sympathy for her anymore.
She put herself in this situation and has turned into an unrecognisable person, suddenly very rude and snappy at her family who are trying to support her, has began copying her boyfriends mannerisms and behaviours and is generally a shadow of her former self.
I don’t believe there is any abuse, I just think she has chosen the worse person to bring into her children’s lives, yet she plans to marry him and have more children.
I feel she needs a sharp awakening to who he is and that she is putting herself and her children in a bad situation, she will be very lonely if family turn their back on her and also the children need family to ensure they don’t go without.
My MIL has suggested an anonymous report to SS, but I don’t want to ruin the family and risk my nieces and nephew going into care.
I want this waste of space out of their lives for good, but only she can make that decision.
What would you do in this position?
If I came across bad in any way, I do apologise, I’m just sick of being the punch bag when once again the boyfriend has disappeared with his drug taking friends and spent the last money for nappies on weed instead.
So my question is, am I being a bad person by not caring about the risk of losing her as my sister by being honest after supporting her all year and having it thrown back in my face? I’ve done my best and watched the whole situation from the sidelines but there’s only so much I can do to help.

My MIL has suggested an anonymous report to SS, but I don’t want to ruin the family and risk my nieces and nephew going into care.

so you’re cool with your nieces and nephews being “ruined” but this absolute shit show of a childhood due to appallingly selfish and irresponsible parenting from your sister?

Your nieces and nephews going in to care would be the best thing for them

Do you think the children are at risk,is she looking after them properly?If you are worried you should contact SS for the children’s well being.Will this awful man return ?.I would support her by caring for the children but leave her to sort out her feelings for the awful man who is using her.She sounds in a bad place mentally.

I believe the children are safe and well looked after, she is just so focused on her relationship it’s consuming her. He comes back time and time again, she will never leave him or stop him returning. I’ve had enough of giving her advice and helping her with money etc to find he is back again and she has bought him weed. I don’t want to meet up with her anymore, we used to meet weekly with our children at the local park but she always brings him along now and he ruins the mood, not to mention smoking weed in a kids playground publicly and will start a fight with anyone who confronts him.

Would you consider taking your nieces and nephews in if it came to it, if your sister is actually mistreating or abusing them? Do you think it is a bad enough situation that social services would remove the children?

i’m willing you eminently sensible MIL to report to SS off her own back

Of course I’m not ok with it, hence the post. She needs shaking to wake up to reality. her elder children’s dad needs to take responsibility for his 3 as he is fully aware of the situation they are in. If I report her to SS for having a weed smoking boyfriend, in all honesty what will they do? I used to work in schools and it took years to have a child removed from their parents for starving them in one case, and it means I won’t be there to help them when she knows I have reported her. Her care for them hasn’t changed, but she definitely prioritises the boyfriend sadly.

treats him better than her own children, she bails him out when he has a drunken fight at a pub

who has her three very young children when she’s at the pub sorting out drunken fights?

in. If I report her to SS for having a weed smoking boyfriend, in all honesty what will they do? I

if you tell them what you said in your OP, no doubt present her with an ultimatum. He moves out, or he stays and the children are placed in temporary care until he moves out

Me, the one who gets walked over in favour of the boyfriend, always the childcare provider and money provider when times are hard. I’ve had enough.

oh so now he’s just a “weed smoking boyfriend”

a touch different from the picture you paint in your OP 🙄

There sounds like there's definitely abuse- at least coercive control surely? My ex was exactly you describe this man is, he convinced me to have one child with him then when I accidentally got pregnant again- he wouldn't let me have an abortion (by force). Definitely report if you think the children are being mistreated

Is the 3 older kids father involved in their lives? Is he in a position to take them in if SS get involved?

pathetic. enabling it. and the. she gets back to the pub with a drunken bloody fired up boyfriend, and you leave these three young children once again in their care

His ex went to court to ensure he kept away from her and his sons.

a good mother

What action are you planning on taking? All you've said is you've had enough and won't stand for it anymore but not what you actually intend to do.

I'm with MIL. Drugs have no place near children and they cause parents to make very poor decisions that don't put the kids first.

I'm shocked you apparently used to work in a school and aren't following basic safeguarding here.

Go and find something to do, you’re obviously bored and have nothing to contribute.

i am honestly appalled

These children are being failed by your sister, this man and every single person that is aware of this situation.

Agreed. And the fact there’s already a court order in place on him might mean SS would prioritise a report he’s got another child who is at potential risk .

I’m curious. It seems like the OP is asking us if she should walk away

it is depressing you used to work in a school and presumably have had safeguard training

I think your MIL should report it rather than expecting you to do so. I doubt the kids will be removed. We had a neighbour who smoked weed constantly and his 5 children were never removed despite us providing evidence he was dealing. They did have some Social Care involvement though. What do YOU actually want to do?

This is why I’m posting… for advice. this isn’t a work situation where I have no connection to the family, this is my family so I have to make the right choices for everyone in this case. I’ve never made out that he abuses them or he’s violent or anything like that some of you are implying. I am angry and ranting because I can’t stand the man and want him away from my sister and the children. However she refuses to listen to me and won’t leave him. If I report her I need concrete evidence they’re all in danger, I don’t. He smokes weed, takes advantage, takes her money and disrespects her. None of that would cause a concern in terms of safety. I am willing to risk our relationship by cutting them off because I hate sitting back and watching what happens, while I pick up the pieces, pay her rent when he spends it on weed and consoles her when he walks out. I’m sick of it, I have my own life and family to focus on so I shouldn’t be doing this. She is an adult and should be making sensible choices. I don’t know how else to get it through to her. So before attacking me, I am trying to help and I’m now at a loss. Thank you to those who have offered actual advice.

My sister has similar traits to yours and the first thing you need to stop doing is enabling her. My parents are always lending/giving her money for her to blow on something then they moan to me about it.

I do agree that it may be time to consider SS involvement. Whether they can/will do anything is different. Could you ring them or the NSPCA even just for advice?