To accept the risk of losing my sister with honesty

[Balloonpopper101]

My sister has been ‘dating’ a jobless, weed smoking loser for the past year. She has 3 young children and moved him in very quickly. He doesn’t help her, he doesn’t work or pay his way, she feeds and clothes him and treats him better than her own children, she bails him out when he has a drunken fight at a pub and I feel like she’s changed as a person so much yet she defends him constantly.
She is happy (or so she says) and doesn’t see the issues I do. My concern is that he is using her for somewhere to live and someone to fund his addictions. His ex went to court to ensure he kept away from her and his sons. My sister thinks the ex is jealous and made it up.
They’ve just had a baby together and he’s taken off. He doesn’t help with the baby and abandons them regularly to smoke weed. So now she is struggling with 4 children and on universal credit and to be completely honest, I have no sympathy for her anymore.
She put herself in this situation and has turned into an unrecognisable person, suddenly very rude and snappy at her family who are trying to support her, has began copying her boyfriends mannerisms and behaviours and is generally a shadow of her former self.
I don’t believe there is any abuse, I just think she has chosen the worse person to bring into her children’s lives, yet she plans to marry him and have more children.
I feel she needs a sharp awakening to who he is and that she is putting herself and her children in a bad situation, she will be very lonely if family turn their back on her and also the children need family to ensure they don’t go without.
My MIL has suggested an anonymous report to SS, but I don’t want to ruin the family and risk my nieces and nephew going into care.
I want this waste of space out of their lives for good, but only she can make that decision.
What would you do in this position?
If I came across bad in any way, I do apologise, I’m just sick of being the punch bag when once again the boyfriend has disappeared with his drug taking friends and spent the last money for nappies on weed instead.
So my question is, am I being a bad person by not caring about the risk of losing her as my sister by being honest after supporting her all year and having it thrown back in my face? I’ve done my best and watched the whole situation from the sidelines but there’s only so much I can do to help.

There is a big issue here in that the threshold for SS to get involved is very high.
I think everyone can see the dcs are the ones who will pay the price in the end. And that they need support.

The question imo is more how do you give that support and what sort if support is best if there is little hope for an outside intervention.
Also what sort if support is sustainable because the OP stepping in each time, giving her sister money/childcare at short notice is NOT sustainable in long term for the OP.

so unless you could be 100% sure SS or school would get involved, you wouldn’t progress but carry on… what exactly?

Sorry if I’ve missed it being commented, but how would she know it was you if you reported it anonymously? If he’s as brazenly twattish as you say I’m sure you’re not the only one to notice- could be anyone.

School (anonymously) could be a good shout as they’d maybe start taking more notice of things, and if they had evidence could take necessary action.

It’s a horrid situation for the children, and you, to be put in ,out of their control.

Hate it? You're addicted!

Stop hogging this thread

she said he wasn’t violent then it slips out that he’s been convicted of assault against previous girlfriend; will fight “anyone” and gets in drunken brawls

she said she had no concerns about their safety or being looked after then she said that this woman spends her benefits on his weed rather than food and nappies

@JustExistingNotLiving I don't know if you've misunderstood my posts but that's basically what I've been saying.

i will
because ultimately these children will slip through the net

and that’s bloody depressing

so yep, will hide thread as will be a few like me and a few just saying “ignore the nasties op you are doing you best kiss kiss”

Don't walk away for the sake of the children! You need to stay involved in their lives.

Seems like it's a no win situation, if social care don't act/help and sister figures out it was the op who reported it may well break the bit of support she has.
But something drastic is needed to get the bf onto the radar.

A word with safeguarding lead at school is a good start, they are obliged to act.

You can't win on here either @Balloonpopper101 with SOME posters! Walk away and you are leaving children without nappies and food, give money and help out and you are a "pathetic" enabler. 🤔

OP. I doubt SS Will remove the kids but I'm sure they will investigate. Even if your sister says it's a malicious referral with the bf having been arrested and with his history with his ex SS will do an assessment. If your sister lies to cover it up nothing will happen but if there is a chance SS doing an assessment will be a wake up call get her it's worth it? Ultimately you don't want the kids removed you want the bf removed so the reality check for sister may be what is needed. Horrible as it sounds I'd stop giving her money or anything at all for a while before you make the call. SS check there is food etc in the house so if there isn't any that will mean they stay involved even if they don't remove the kids. They also don't give you much notice they are coming maybe a day or two if she's lucky so the smell of weed will be obvious

The standard for having children removed is far, far higher than him just smoking weed I'm afraid. I don't know a single SW (and I've dealt with many professionally) who has the time, resources or available care places for kids (ha!) to even think this would be close to the mark to have them taken into care in any area I've worked (mostly Scotland but I talk to colleagues down south where resources are even less).

She definitely needs reporting to ss as a matter of urgency. They won’t take them
away at this point but they’ll intervene and they might even suggest that she feeds her kids etc 😬 clean the house up, make sure they have clean bedding. They’re already in trouble, she’s putting some loser before them, which means she doesn’t even have the normal basic empathy for them but you know this.

Bullshit.

If there were any concerns about the 3 children or the pregnancy, CS would have been in touch by now.

How judgemental of you.

nothing will be done at all i suspect. Just hope that a teacher at some point will kick-start the safeguarding process. Because no one else will by the look of it

I would report to SS anonymously, even if nothing happens. It’s better than doing nothing.

I suggest if she has no money for nappies or food, you need to buy the actual nappies/food rather than handing over any cash to her.

Don’t pay the rent or bills for her again. It’s sad, but nothing will change until she has to face the consequences of being with a terrible partner.