To accept the risk of losing my sister with honesty

[Balloonpopper101]

My sister has been ‘dating’ a jobless, weed smoking loser for the past year. She has 3 young children and moved him in very quickly. He doesn’t help her, he doesn’t work or pay his way, she feeds and clothes him and treats him better than her own children, she bails him out when he has a drunken fight at a pub and I feel like she’s changed as a person so much yet she defends him constantly.
She is happy (or so she says) and doesn’t see the issues I do. My concern is that he is using her for somewhere to live and someone to fund his addictions. His ex went to court to ensure he kept away from her and his sons. My sister thinks the ex is jealous and made it up.
They’ve just had a baby together and he’s taken off. He doesn’t help with the baby and abandons them regularly to smoke weed. So now she is struggling with 4 children and on universal credit and to be completely honest, I have no sympathy for her anymore.
She put herself in this situation and has turned into an unrecognisable person, suddenly very rude and snappy at her family who are trying to support her, has began copying her boyfriends mannerisms and behaviours and is generally a shadow of her former self.
I don’t believe there is any abuse, I just think she has chosen the worse person to bring into her children’s lives, yet she plans to marry him and have more children.
I feel she needs a sharp awakening to who he is and that she is putting herself and her children in a bad situation, she will be very lonely if family turn their back on her and also the children need family to ensure they don’t go without.
My MIL has suggested an anonymous report to SS, but I don’t want to ruin the family and risk my nieces and nephew going into care.
I want this waste of space out of their lives for good, but only she can make that decision.
What would you do in this position?
If I came across bad in any way, I do apologise, I’m just sick of being the punch bag when once again the boyfriend has disappeared with his drug taking friends and spent the last money for nappies on weed instead.
So my question is, am I being a bad person by not caring about the risk of losing her as my sister by being honest after supporting her all year and having it thrown back in my face? I’ve done my best and watched the whole situation from the sidelines but there’s only so much I can do to help.

great

so you walk away

and the children are left to fester. no nappies or food.
god i hate mumsnet sometimes

A referral to social care is part of a process especially in neglect type situations, the picture builds over time. The first contact may not get a heavy end response but that might help her see what's happening if she is just contacted and advised of a referral, agency checks might happen. They may know him and his history already. If you re refer again or someone else does then it's added to the previous information. Hopefully if things don't improve responses will be more proactive. I don't think you've got a choice really. She and the children need the support of some sort of intervention as the approach you are taking now isn't helping change things.

His ex went to court to ensure he kept away from her and his sons.

this isn’t a work situation where I have no connection to the family, this is my family so I have to make the right choices for everyone in this case.

No, no, no. The children are always the priority. Work or family: safeguarding of the children comes first.

👏

He is taking her money, leaving f he randomly the kids without that money. And she allows it. Because she has him back and is going to marry hi..

He is verbally abusive.

He potentially has a history which means SS might be vert interested in helping her get away from him

SS don't just deal with physical abuse. There's neglect here as well. You can definitely report SS. They would only take her kids away, if they find he is a danger to the kids and she refused to stay away from him.

If you think its that bad they may immediately remove the children, then you should definitely report.

This is the most sensible response so far on this thread. Plus, I don't know why the OP is getting such a rough ride. Not deserved at all

Hi OP,
You are in a horrible situation and there are no easy answers.
You want your sisters situation to change but you are propping up your sisters situation. E.g. you paying the rent stops the landlord from serving notice due to arrears and eviction starting to happen.
If you want change you are going to have to stop propping up the family.

I agree weed smoking isn't going to meet any threshold for intervention but if your sister prioritses her partners addictions and has no food and no money for food (and you aren't propping them up) then surely you could call that in as a same day urgent safeguarding concern? Tell the social worker it is a common occurrence, why it is a common occurance and that you can't afford to keep covering it. Social services should be concerned about your sisters ability to safeguard the kids. She cannot put them first.

Are you willing to have them if asked?

Call the police and say you’re concerned for the children because of drug use,frankly removing them is for the best. If things escalate and he does turn violent ( which has done with ex) you’ll have a lifetime of guilt to deal with.

As others have said, a referral to SS is part of a process and helps them to build a picture.

I don't think anyone who has advised the OP to report to SS thinks for a minute that SS are going to swoop in and remove the children. But there is already part of a jigsaw with the partner and his history, and reporting the current situation will add another piece.

The OP has absolutely reported, on this thread, child neglect.

We as a family reported a family member to ss for similar situation. Ss were great and insisted person got a Claire's law disclosure. She soon got rid when she saw the very long list of crap he'd put women and his other children through. But we did this early on. Definitely ring ss

It’s a depressing reality that children have to be severely abused before social services will act, have known of cases of awful neglect and no involvement from SS even though families have been reported, not enough resources in SS for them to take on anything but the most appalling cases, sadly don’t think these poor children will meet their ‘criteria’

Definately contact SS you can do this anonymously. If the children are in school you can contact the safe guarding lead also so they are on alert..l it may be that behaviours are being flagged up there too. As others have said it is about putting pieces of the jigsaw together the more reports and agencies aware of these children the more likely they won’t fall through the cracks. Social services won’t remove the children immediately but they will be on the radar for future and may offer your sister parenting classes and advice.

If he really smokes weed in a playground I wouldn’t hesitate to call the police and tell them when he’ll be there. Maybe it might knock a bit of sense into her if they turn up in front of her children.

I would ask her what help and advice she is looking for when she comes to you.

You won’t get anywhere telling her how to live her life , to dump him etc.

I think I would say you are always there for her emotionally but cannot continue subsidising her and her boyfriend from your own resources. Be clear and firm about that. Tell her you love her and care about her and her kids but you can’t afford to give her money to replace what is spent outside her budget.

Tell her you want to give her fair warning. Make it about your inability to continue to pay rather than a moral refusal against her boyfriend.

People are so naive about what SS can do.

The threshold for intervening at all, let alone removing children is incredibly high, these children would not be removed.

SS don't remove children because the family is poor. They don't remove children because the mums boyfriend smokes weed.

Having an order over one child doesn't impact his rights to a completely different child/children. The court made an order over certain children, not all children.

OP, I'd tell your sister you are setting a boundary. You won't give her money again- she'll have to use a food bank next time.

That's all you can do unfortunately. If the children's basic needs are being met, SS isn't going to do anything.

If you're genuinely concerned about the welfare of the children then go ahead and inform social services. You can't stand by and do nothing but tut and shake your head.

If you're just pissed off at your sister for hooking up with a loser, then perhaps not. Maybe just restrict your contact with her and don't bail her out again, not with money, childcare or anything else.

Your sister should listen to the ex. This waste of skin shouldn't be anywhere near children

because when four children are existing in this environment. No money for food and nappies. Surrounded by drama and weed smoking… and adults are all sitting back and allowing this… tends to make me angry

its not “trolling” to be impassioned about something FGS especially when it comes to the neglect of 4 children

Re the money going on drugs rather than food, nappies etc.

Are the children going without meals, dirty and only have inadequate clothing or does your sister somehow manage to get those needs met with money she’s borrowing off others?

Having been through family court I would say for him not to get contact with his other kid then there was serious safeguarding issues you have not been made aware of. I used to be in a support group for abused women. Drug addict abusive men we're getting contact all the time- it had to fairly serious abuse to the child not 'just' neglect for there to be no contact ordered. On this basis I would make the referral to SS as thy will be able to look up the history and make an informed assessment of the situation

I dont know much about abusive/neglectful situations when it involves children, but i do know for certain that any mother who thinks its fine to let her useless druggie boyfriend anywhere near her children let alone living under the same roof as them, is a mother who should be reported to SS. Regardless of whether this man has not been violent or physically abusive in any way, he clearly does not give a flying fuck about anyone else on this planet except himself and his precious drugs! Your sister is enabling his behaviour despite the fact this will have a knock on effect on her children. The kindest thing you can do for her and for your nieces/nephews is to take action and get both of them reported and get those children back in a situation where their needs will come first. If their father is also being completely useless then you obviously cant rely on him to take them in so you need to step and be there for them. Please do not just cut your sister off and let them be left in this situation.

@Balloonpopper101 I think the best thing you can do is set boundaries where you and your sister are concerned.
No more money or give her good direct so that it cannot be used for something else.
No boyfriend around when your there.
Don't go to her house.
Support the children:

I would chase up the health visitor though. You can phone and say you are concerned. They will get the ball rolling if need be same as if you speak to schools (which I would do too tbh)