To accept the risk of losing my sister with honesty

[Balloonpopper101]

My sister has been ‘dating’ a jobless, weed smoking loser for the past year. She has 3 young children and moved him in very quickly. He doesn’t help her, he doesn’t work or pay his way, she feeds and clothes him and treats him better than her own children, she bails him out when he has a drunken fight at a pub and I feel like she’s changed as a person so much yet she defends him constantly.
She is happy (or so she says) and doesn’t see the issues I do. My concern is that he is using her for somewhere to live and someone to fund his addictions. His ex went to court to ensure he kept away from her and his sons. My sister thinks the ex is jealous and made it up.
They’ve just had a baby together and he’s taken off. He doesn’t help with the baby and abandons them regularly to smoke weed. So now she is struggling with 4 children and on universal credit and to be completely honest, I have no sympathy for her anymore.
She put herself in this situation and has turned into an unrecognisable person, suddenly very rude and snappy at her family who are trying to support her, has began copying her boyfriends mannerisms and behaviours and is generally a shadow of her former self.
I don’t believe there is any abuse, I just think she has chosen the worse person to bring into her children’s lives, yet she plans to marry him and have more children.
I feel she needs a sharp awakening to who he is and that she is putting herself and her children in a bad situation, she will be very lonely if family turn their back on her and also the children need family to ensure they don’t go without.
My MIL has suggested an anonymous report to SS, but I don’t want to ruin the family and risk my nieces and nephew going into care.
I want this waste of space out of their lives for good, but only she can make that decision.
What would you do in this position?
If I came across bad in any way, I do apologise, I’m just sick of being the punch bag when once again the boyfriend has disappeared with his drug taking friends and spent the last money for nappies on weed instead.
So my question is, am I being a bad person by not caring about the risk of losing her as my sister by being honest after supporting her all year and having it thrown back in my face? I’ve done my best and watched the whole situation from the sidelines but there’s only so much I can do to help.

Another one fervently hoping your MIL takes it upon herself to report to SS because those poor little buggers are being failed by every adult around them currently.

I was just about to say this, orders like this aren't given out willy nilly. There was evidence to suggest he was a risk, you need to report to SS. Yes, your sister may fall out with you, but the children need safeguarding from this man..

This sounds exactly like SS should be involved. Those poor kids!
i agree with others on this thread - you are enabling her. She does not sound like a fit mother. I know she is your sister and that is hard to hear but you absolutely know what you need to do. Your MIL is right.

Thank you I just can’t sit back knowing there isn’t any money for nappies or food, so yes maybe I am enabling it and being a mug but I’m doing it for the children, I’m not sure why anyone thinks I’m the bad person here. She knows how I feel and that her children’s schools will smell weed on their clothes and question her but she doesn’t do anything about it. Her boyfriend is her world and she’s scared of losing him. Is an anonymous report to the schools the better route to begin with?

i doubt the op will be back

and the depressing thing is… these children will simply fall through the cracks

Go MIL… you take the bull by the horns and do something about it. No one else will

no money for food or clothes and then i. an earlier thread you say you don’t think there’s any neglect!!

I believe the children are safe and well looked after,

and also

there is not any money for nappies or food

MIL has never met her and won’t get involved, I’ve opened up to her and that was her view. We don’t have space to take the children but id fully expect their dad to.

Report to SS given you're aware he has a court order against him from his previous family.

Stop giving her money until you know for certain she's rid of him.

Be honest with her about how you feel about the situation and how it is impacting you. Accept that she's an adult and you can't control who she chooses to be in a relationship with.

Make your decision around whether to walk away from her based on your feelings/needs. I.e., if you really can't stand it, are exhausted, and need a break from the drama. Walk away, and let her know politely that you are taking a break for your own wellbeing.

DO NOT walk away as a means to send her a message / influence her to change her behaviour. It won't work and shouldn't be used as a tactic as it is passive aggressive and will backfire.

I don't know what people are expecting SS to do? The threshold is so ridiculously high for removal of the children that the mother herself could be a hard drugs user and it wouldn't trigger anything to happen.
SS also don't exist for exasperated family members to dole out visits to act as 'short sharp shocks' to feckless parents. All it would do is cause paranoia, distrust, anger and isolation. Not ideal for the home life of children.
Honestly I'd insist on him not being as your meet ups and any mention of him, shrug your shoulders, give an 'oh well!' 'what's he like!' and change the subject.
Hope she wises up soon.

but I’m doing it for the children,

you said your doing it so as not to ruin the family

why can’t you see that by not progressing with the school / SS you are doing the very opposite of something positive for these poor children

this man already has a court order against him preventing him for having access to a previous child. did you miss that?

At*

I don't think you're a bad person.

I work in child safeguarding, and this is a situation that comes up A LOT. Because people think that weed is harmless, or "just a bit of weed" and its just insidious.

The problem is, the kids are at risk because your sister is using money meant for their welfare on her partners drug habits. Which means, they may be okay now, but as his hold on your sister grows, and his weed needs increase they will go without more and more.

Drug addled boyfriends kill children.........any Google will give you plenty of reports.

I would report to SS and let them decide how to proceed from there. You have a bias towards your sister and while I completely understand that, the kids will suffer a result.

Poor kids :(

Why on earth are you the voice of reason for her? Why are you the authority on her life to decide what’s right and what’s wrong and that her children are having their lives ruined? Why should she listen to you?
I’m not saying you’re wrong but this is not a chance to go with ‘home truths’ because you know how everyone should live their lives best. You say no one’s in danger, there’s no abuse and no concerns except that you don’t like him. But really that’s not your choice to make and that’s non of your business.
you can show her compassion and tell her you’re worried about her and the children not having enough food/being around drugs and you’ll be there if she needs anything, except financial support which you can no longer offer. ignore it, or call SS.
If your actual issue is that you’re sick of being a punch bag. Stop involving yourself. Stop discussing it. Stop enabling it by giving her/him money.

Well even if SS doesnt get involved heavily, it might get them to shape up and educate them on safeguarding and risks.

Also weed around them so obviously? How old are they? What if they accidentally consume it? Or find his stash? Kids aren't ones for not grabbing everything in sight.

I would let MIL go ahead if she has concerns and considering it.

I would be around to support the kiddies how you can and able to. But leave sister to it, sometimes people have to do the initial steps out of these situations first before any of your support can even be acknowledged.

but she’s heard what you have told you

she’s worried

she’s urged you to progress

I think you are right to say that social care would not deem them a high enough threshold to take on board. I work in a school with vulnerable CYP and the threshold is very high unfortunately and then they get discharged quite quickly unless it is extremely serious.

Withdrawing your financial support first of all is a must. To continue, with no difference in attitude, would just mean you are enabling your sister to continue this indefinitely.
Is a health visitor still involved re new baby?
Wishing you well with this difficult decision. It is indeed a case of continue and nothing changes …

Depends on what social services already know about the boyfriend, given there is a restraining order to prevent him having contact with his other children as to whether the threshold will be met..

@Ohwelljusttoday

the man already has a court order against him preventing access to his child from a previous relationship

Chaiandtoast this is exactly what’s been going on, and I know I should step back and stop offering help, this is why I’m considering ending any relationship with her to make her realise without family support she is in a dangerous situation. I don’t want to but I don’t like who she has become and by continuing a relationship as it is I’m basically telling her the situation is acceptable.
thank you to those who are offering helpful advice, I’m trying to calm down after an incident a few hours ago that has finally made me snap but it’s hard to make the right choice when it could go either way. Once I’ve got my rational head back on I’ll have a think, but I’ll taken on board the suggestions and go from there.

Very true - missed that bit, thank you.
A referral from OP or MIL etc can at least log new concerns and create a trail.

The court order is that his ex reported him for attacking her for weed money, she stops him seeing the children which isn’t part of the court order, he can legally see them she just refuses. And I fully support her in that choice. He shouldn’t be allowed around a goldfish never mind children.
She requested no health visitor, which I told her would raise alarms, however no one has contacted her since and baby is 9 weeks so she has already fallen off the radar.

Ah, so that's it, rather than serious concern for the children. JFC.