Buying a house, living with DP-finances?

[thebartenderatethethief]

Sorry, I know this topic has been done to death but I can't find a thread for my own circumstances.

I want to buy a house, and DP wants to move in.

I've heard that if a DP was to contribute to any house repairs/maintenance etc, that means they can claim part of the house for themselves if you ever split up, is that right?

DP currently lives with Mum and Dad and doesn't have savings, so wouldn't be a good idea to share the mortgage. I'd not feel right charging half the mortgage either-that's for me to pay as it'd just be in my name.

I thought, half of all bills and a small contribution to other costs? Would that be fair?
I earn slightly more than DP but only slightly and my outgoings are currently far higher obviously. DP also gets a lot of job perks, discounts, shares etc whereas I don't so we're not far off equal there (if that's relevant).

Which begs the question where does your DP income go if they have no savings and live with their parents?
do you want to live with someone who has poor financial literacy?

DP is paying off some debts, but also is generally not great with money if I am honest.
I think it could be okay as long as I was careful and didn't have our finances intertwined, maybe with the exception of a joint household costs account.

Do you ever want children?
and if so do you plan to have them with him???
😵‍💫

I can’t understand what sort of future you see with him

Don't move in someone who is on better wage yet can't save because they are "just not that good with money". Just don't.

Agree you need some kind of protection, be that a legal co habitation agreement or lodging agreement etc. A solicitor will help, it's very straightforward.

I never understand why people would house their partners for free in this circumstance.
They would have to pay rent anywhere else, so why do they get to live for free with a partner? If you split up in future, you've deprived yourself of a lot, to his gain, and if you don't, it becomes "family" finances, so no loss to either of you.

So, for me, I'd charge a reasonable rent, maybe a little under market value but not much, plus half of all bills, groceries etc.

Agree that you pay all repairs/maintenance, unless the damage is directly caused by DP, which you should cover in whatever legal agreement you put together.

And remember that he should also be paying half of all holidays, trips away, nights out etc etc, and contributing half of all housework (but maybe not DIY).

Also, post your update. Don't have any shared/joint accounts with someone who is bad with money.

Keep them separate, he can transfer his half of the bills to you - and if he doesn't do it promptly and in full each month, look into getting rid of him asap, it doesn't get usually better if they're bad with money.

DP is really good at DIY and renovations too so I think I'd be daft to not utilise that-so maybe, yes I'd need a cohabitation agreement of some sort. Thanks.

I've read people saying it is mercenary and 'uncouth' to charge a partner half of a mortgage when they're not benefitting from it?

But I can also see the side of the argument that's 'why should someone NOT pay 'rent' of some sort, I mean even adults living with their parents usually pay something don't they?

Stay living separately.
It's a lot easier moving someone in than out.
Always cover your own back , what if this relationship goes wrong in a few years ?
Do not jeopardise your home. He sounds too high risk.

Thanks for the food for thought, people. I really would like to live together.

Understandable, but first he should get better with money or it will end up all on you.

I think you cant just cast someone off because they haven't had a good experience with money. Not everyone does and some people make mistakes - doesn't mean they have to be dumped for it!!

I was in a very similar situation to yourself. My partner isn't great with money and has debt. He is paying off this debt but I didn't want to become liable for it etc. He moved into my house, that I own alone. I pay the mortgage and he contributes towards the rest.

I spoke to a solicitor and we have a cohabitation agreement in place. This will state that he will have no financial interest in the property should you split up further down the line. It can also outline that he is to take out no further debt against the property as it is in your name / he cannot take out credit against the address / the process in splitting any joint items purchased while you are together. You can put in there how much he will pay you a month and the arrangements and timeline for him leaving your house and removing his belongings should you split up. Its not the nicest thing to have to put together but once it's done, you don't have to worry about it again and your asset(s) is secure.

Good Luck :)

Tell him NO! He can buy his own house. Men always try to sponge off women's hard work and effort and rest on their laurels these days. DO NOT LET HIM MOVE INTO YOUR HOUSE. And only let him sleep over occasionally. Do not set up anything where it looks like he is a resident and has tenant's rights or anything. His contribution to your "dates" should be buying the food that you cook, or buying the takeout, or paying for the movie or dinner out you go to. He should not have any association with repairs, maintenance, mortgage, taxes, rent or utilities in YOUR HOUSE. Be very clear and firm on this and maintain your boundaries or you will end up like thousands of other women who were dumb and "in love" and lost everything behind some silly don't have nothing man. I mean really, what is he contributing to your life but a little sausage? You can get that from anyone - you don't have to pay for it, or let it move in with you so you perform wife duties for someone who should be living with his mommy.

That's an easy decision then. Do not set up home with him until he gets his financial act together and paid off his debts.

You absolutely need a document. Cohabitation agreement. Make sure his name is kept off all bills and don't open a joint account.

Yes, I'd always make sure everything was in my name.

The alternative is starting again, I guess? With someone else. Which doesn't seem logical, we've been together a few years. But I do take on board people's points that I should wait until DP's finances are better. I just think it would be nice to live together now we've been together a while.

I've not had children @GreatGateauxsby , I'm in my forties now. @RayofSunshine18 that's very similar, yes. DP has never been great with money. But then I've got a lot of things I'm crap at too.

It really depends what you want.

A lot of people just would not be okay with this and view financial security as a minimum / nonnegotiable criteria.
I'm one of them and subscribe to dickens’ view

Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure nineteen nineteen and six , result happiness.
Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure twenty pounds ought and six, result misery

i just don’t want a miserable life.

i feel incredibly sorry for people who can’t manage money because i really believe some people just can’t help it. I had a friend like that who was the nicest person but was always broke a week after being paid and myself and to her friends were always subbing her and then her parents constantly had to bail her out. It’s really hard…

that said I think if you have really good boundaries and keep everything separate it can maybe be managed…

Being crap with money is a pretty big thing though. It’s not like being crap at roller skating or hanging out washing.

OMG! Are you saying he is also in his 40's, has no savings and living with his DP's? Or is he a toyboy? Does he have any DC's? If not, that is not being bad with money, that is careless and atrocious.
If he does move in, start with half mortgage and bills, including food - and dont feel bad, its fair. You might find in the not too distant future that he's as lax with domestic duties as he is with his money, and leaves all the cooking and cleaning to you - that will put you off him. You never entirely know how responsible a person is until you live with them, but there are some red flags here, so be cautious.

I know you want to live together and maybe a temporary arrangement would be best until you get to know what he’s really like.

So, could you say to him he can stay, say, 4 nights a week because you like your own space ?

Try for 6 months.

In that amount of time you should get a good idea of what he’s like to live with.

Does he do his share of chores ( without having to be asked all the time)?

He can still pay a portion of bills.

If you feel a sense of relief on the days he’s not with you, you’ll know it won’t work.

On the other hand you might find you miss him and want him to move in.

Don't share finances though.
It’s a recipe for disaster and will complicate things if it doesn’t work out longer term.

Just picking up on one point, you don't ask him to pay "half the mortgage ", you charge him rent. And that is perfectly acceptable, even for a romantic partner!
But, as others have said you must get a proper agreement in place before he moves in with you.

so he's so bad with money he is living with parents in his 40s? And this is someone you want to risk your hard earned money with. If you were both in your 20s but a man in his 40s so crap with money he lives with mummy and daddy? Vastly unappealing

Share the bills food gas electric
but mortgage and repairs 100% down to you

I wouldn’t feel the need to charge rent the house will cost the same if there’s one or two people in it

for the life of me with risk your entire financial security and ownership of your house for a few £100 a month

so what if he lives rent free with you this is not costing you anything
at the end of the day you have a house he has nothing

I honestly don’t understand why. Do you want a shared life or not? What is the long term plan for your relationship? Or do you just want somebody to do DIY? And of course he shouldn’t be paying half your mortgage when he will have nothing t show for it and you get a house out of it, why do you even need to ask? 🤷‍♀️

I echo the other comments in that you need to proceed with caution. His money issues will soon become YOUR money issues if you don’t ring fence them. You need a legal document.

You will charge him rent. That rent can go towards mortgage or upkeep or garden… whatever… but it will be legally referred to as rent.

Don’t mean to be rude, but I was very surprised to learn that you’re in your 40s. Your approach seems quite naive.

Please listen to the people posting about this… although you must have some misgivings to have posted about this in the first place.

Listen to your gut.