Buying a house, living with DP-finances?

[thebartenderatethethief]

Sorry, I know this topic has been done to death but I can't find a thread for my own circumstances.

I want to buy a house, and DP wants to move in.

I've heard that if a DP was to contribute to any house repairs/maintenance etc, that means they can claim part of the house for themselves if you ever split up, is that right?

DP currently lives with Mum and Dad and doesn't have savings, so wouldn't be a good idea to share the mortgage. I'd not feel right charging half the mortgage either-that's for me to pay as it'd just be in my name.

I thought, half of all bills and a small contribution to other costs? Would that be fair?
I earn slightly more than DP but only slightly and my outgoings are currently far higher obviously. DP also gets a lot of job perks, discounts, shares etc whereas I don't so we're not far off equal there (if that's relevant).

Charge him half of the interest portion of the mortgage as rent, with a cohabitation agreement.

Please get some proper legal advice - try the legal matters forum here...
Do NOT let him move into a property you are buying without a watertight agreement on day-to-day finances, and how finances etc will be dealt with if you split
Please don't be another mug who's let another rip them off in the name of 'love'

Remember that he is also at risk. With no tenancy agreement you can kick him out at a moment's notice so he should have decent savings for a rental deposit should that happen.

Being hopeless with money is not an attractive feature in a grown man.

This.

And this:

His money issues will soon become YOUR money issues if you don’t ring fence them. You need a legal document.

However, I'd go further and say: this man probably isn't a long term partner or future husband/father of your children.

More relationships are unhappy or break apart because of financial incompatibility than any other reason.

Think with your brain - it's what it's there for!

Nothing wrong with letting people you love live with you, so I don't understand the 'don't let him move in with your brigade)

Just make sure you see a solicitor and take their advice. It should be as simple as a cohabitation agreement. But he does need to pay his way, my now dh, used to pay for all the food shopping and all our luxuries, such as meals out, holidays, Netflix etc, he would also pay an additional agreed amount and I would pay the mortgage and household bills. We still have separate finances.

The thing is it's not just about solicitor ring fencing.
It's also quite a good chance OP will end up paying his share of living expenses too. We see it on here all the time.

Before you even go there with a cohabitation agreement, what type of person he? Does he keep to his word? Has he been consistent with paying off his debts and has he been accruing more debt? Does he understand that your house will always be your house and if he wants a foot on the housing ladder that that will be an endeavour of his own making?

In addition to all the above, how good are you at maintaining boundaries? Do you understand your own boundaries and why you have them? Are you easily talked around? Is talking about boundaries difficult for you?

Start as you mean to go on, the second you start making concessions and feeling sorry for him is the moment he will expect concessions.

What do you mean "he's bad with money"? In what way?

Has he no self control, or no ability to plan, so he spends it all?
Is he avoidant, so the bills pile up without being paid?
Being "bad with money" is used as a bit of a catch-all phrase that can simplify far more significant issues, IME.

I like that view too @GreatGateauxsby .

I've always been quite good with money.

@Opentooffers yes, mid forties. No DCs.

I'd be very, very surprised if I end up doing cooking/cleaning. DP LOVES both of those things, me not so much. At my house now, if we see one another, by the time DP leaves my house is cleaner than it has ever been seen and DP will enjoy cooking for us, citing that the fact of living with parents means there's never usually the opportunity, so I don't think I've got many worries in that aspect. I keep things clean but I will never be someone who enjoys it or even takes pride in it, if the house is clean enough I'm done!

Thank you for the advice.

Not really @Sphynxcatenthusiast as we live in different counties currently. It just wouldn't work. DP has a job which means a lot of time off at certain times of year and stays with me when this happens so we have spent a lot of time together at my current house.

As above, I'm not worried about chores, just wondered how best to manage finances.

Thanks @AllEars112232 that's a good way of putting it.

I am getting some conflicting information here regarding whether to be 50/50 or if that's unfair given the mortgage will be just mine alone.

@Itsallok yes it is unappealing I agree. I've been single for a long time before DP, had many, many dates. All of the previous ones had much 'worse' red flags to be fair. I don't know, it cant be just the circles I move in. I have some quite strict criteria while dating. Dating as a middle-aged adult is hard.

If I buy a house, it is going to cost me a lot more than my current mortgage. My mortgage now is cheap.

@Muchof yes, I want a shared life. Of course, I'd not be considering this otherwise.

No, I only mentioned the DIY because I read on here that if someone does do things that, they can claim a stake in a house. I'd not considered it before. At this stage I've not looked at houses even, there may not even be any DIY needing doing.

@Opentooffers I am not sure I am naive? The house I live in is the only one I have to myself, but I have 3 others with a business partner and one I own with a friend which we bought as a 'doer upper', I've done this sort of thing before, just not with this type of arrangement. I'd much prefer to buy one together but it isn't possible if DP hasn't got the finances. I am intrigued though, what do you think is naive about what I've written.

Yes, i did need some advice and am glad I've posted.

I'm not ignoring the rest, I just have to get some work done, I will come back to the thread

@thebartenderatethethief re your mortgage/rent don't forget that you're taking all is the liability. If you default on the mortgage, or the property devalues you are responsible for the loss, no one else!

So yes, you should be charging him rent, abs you should not feel any guilt for that.

@disappearingfish yes, I have thought about that. Although DP would never be homeless, would just go back to parent's.

@PaminaMozart as I've said upthread we're in our 40s, I am not looking to have children.

@barkymcbark that's my thinking. I want to live together, I just have to think about certain things. Glad to see it worked for you.

Dp is actually rather too generous with money, I don't think I'd end up paying for other expenses but I have been careful here, we are discussing things. I've asked how, when currently not having many household expenses and still having not managed to save, things will be when there are responsibilities and expenses!

Cohabitation agreements are straightforward OP and you should absolutely make sure you get one and both sign it. This is really important.

Look at rentals in areas or house shares for levels of prices. He absolutely should not live rent free. He should contribute half towards all bills. You will build resentment and infantise him otherwise. He's moving straight from mum and dad you want an equal partner not a dependent.

I'd definitely be asking for half of all bills, I'm just not sure it is fair to ask for half the mortgage, or what amount other than bills would be fair.

I think I would charge him half of what he would pay to rent his own place, plus half the bills, then he is better off than renting and you're getting some benefit too. So if a one bed is 2000 to rent charge him a grand. What does he pay his parents?

Currently paying £250 to parents.
It's a cheap area (I'd be moving to DPs area). For context one of DPs friends pays £400 to rent a small (one bedroom) terraced house.

My mortgage is currently £368 for a two bedroom house. My tenants pay around £600 for three bed rented terraces.

But surely he'd pay rent in normal circumstances?

He needs to pay you rent. Otherwise, you'd always wonder what his motivation is - whether to live rent-free, or to be with you bc he loves you.

You need an equal partner - OP.

Oh blimey, OP, he's in his 40s and living with his parents and pays £250 per month all in yet has no money? He's terrible with money, isn't he?

How much does he take home? When you say he has long periods of time off, do you mean he's a teacher?

What are his debts and how did he get into debt when he's paying out such a small amount?

One thing you could do is give him a room to himself and a rental agreement, charge him rent and if he does DIY then price it up and knock it off his rent.

Yes someone pointed it out upthread but I'll repeat it - you need to stop thinking of this as "him paying your mortgage", and calculating how much per month he should pay you relative to your mortgage payments.
Forget the mortgage.
You're taking in a lodger - how much rent would you charge a lodger? And then maybe knock a bit off.

You still haven't explained what makes you describe him as "bad with money", which may be relevant to the advice you get here.

Quite normal in London to live with parents at that age, and, in much of the UK, to only have bought a home with help from parents, though you'd expect someone living with parents to have savings...unless they're paying their parents' rent or mortgage or supporting them financially, or they're a carer, or they had illness, bereavement, divorce.or business failure perhaps, quite natural by that age.

Blimey ok, it a bit different where I live!

Rent together and invest your cash for yourself. Even for a year to see how he is at the "living together" thing. I don't think you can be too careful here.

I speak from experience. I am with my partner for many many years, but we live separately in our own (fully owned) houses. We do spend time together in one another's houses, but the joy of coming back to my own space (or him going to his home after a few days with me) is a joy beyond description!

Ask Charles and Camilla.

It sounds to me that the DP is a spendthrift, probably goes on clothes, holidays, makeup and the like, and is also perhaps generous with gifts to family and friends etc. Doesn't sound like the DP has ever had much responsibility, and relies heavily on parents to have made it to mid 40's in this financial state.

OP, you've managed to own 4 or 5(?) houses either jointly or with another investor, yet your DP can barely pay rent at their parents. I'd be taking a long hard look at this person, and asking them to draw up a budget of what they think they'll be spending when they move in with you. I'd be surprised if your DP was expecting to spend more than the same £250 they are currently paying to their parents when they move in with you.

This just about sums it up. Adulting is terribly practical I'm afraid. Sentiment is a luxury you can't afford, OP.

or what It's worth, DP's idea is to go completely halves on everything. So pay half the mortgage each, half the bills each, half any repairs/maintenance/food etc each. It's me wondering whether or not that is fair.

@MILTOBE I don't know where all DP's money goes to be honest! Isn't on a fantastic wage but not much less than me and I have a house to pay for, and I've managed to save. I don't have a fantastic, lavish lifestyle but I can go out, go on minibreaks, have a few drinks a couple pf times a week, eat well/out etc so it does puzzle me somewhat.

Some of the debt is council tax arrears from a previous relationship.

No not a teacher. Works in security.

@ClaudiaWinklemansEyeliner that's a good point. I just think 'bad with money' for me in this case means doesn't have any savings or assets despite being in one's 40s. Has nothing left at the end of the month. Spends on things not needed (DP says this is due to being down about living with parents and the one perk being this means there is spare money for clothes 'toys' etc

@Marrongrass that is a point but we're about as far from London as you can get without being in Scotland

to be fair, I own property but some of it is due to luck 'right place right time' sorts of circumstances.

I am not sure I could bear to rent to be honest. I really want to live with DP.

That's not far from the truth, @starseeking, definitely. Right down to the being generous with gifts.

DP has lived independently, did so up until not long before we met. Moved out at 16 and lived in rentals alone or with ex partners.

As I mentioned upthread though DP does just want to be halves on everything.