Buying a house, living with DP-finances?

[thebartenderatethethief]

Sorry, I know this topic has been done to death but I can't find a thread for my own circumstances.

I want to buy a house, and DP wants to move in.

I've heard that if a DP was to contribute to any house repairs/maintenance etc, that means they can claim part of the house for themselves if you ever split up, is that right?

DP currently lives with Mum and Dad and doesn't have savings, so wouldn't be a good idea to share the mortgage. I'd not feel right charging half the mortgage either-that's for me to pay as it'd just be in my name.

I thought, half of all bills and a small contribution to other costs? Would that be fair?
I earn slightly more than DP but only slightly and my outgoings are currently far higher obviously. DP also gets a lot of job perks, discounts, shares etc whereas I don't so we're not far off equal there (if that's relevant).

Okay fair enough if I am immature.

I do actually believe DP would pay whatever I asked for based on expenses though, I just wanted to know what people thought would be fair and I've concluded that half the bills plus a 'rent' payment is fair, as nobody lives for free anywhere, so I guess I got my answer!

@Ohyeahwaitaminute that's true, I'm not sure I'd say misgivings but I've read a few threads on here about situations slightly similar to this and some people saying it isn't fair to charge for a mortgage the person isn't benefitting from, so I wanted to know what others would do in my situation.

I guess as long as I don't choose a property that would lose value, I couldn't lose much really unless DP decided not to pay what was agreed, and I don't believe that will happen, as far as I know DP hasn't ever not paid rent on time before moving back in with parents.

That situation @GOODCAT , again I don't believe it will happen but it COULD happen I guess.

I am actually quite unhappy with the situation we're in now, I don't particularly like living alone, I want to be together. I also want to experience living somewhere different at least for a while. If I picked the right house, I could potentially make money, have it as another rental if things didn't work out.

@ClaudiaWinklemansEyeliner I definitely think It's a negative! I am not sure It's a trait as such but, I think It's a negative to have no assets or savings at the age DP is.

I've had a bit of bad luck money-wise recently. I was made redundant and struggled to find work, I couldn't live as freely as I normally did however I had the rental incomes, I had some savings. I have a job now but I haven't started it yet. Life can be unpredictable and DP is from a poor background, doesn't have qualifications, lives in an area with a rep for being a bit of a dump, I guess has had a life very different to mine so I tried to be understanding that way.

@Puzzledandpissedoff answer was that they'd be fine with paying the amount I had proposed (I did what was suggested upthread and estimated what costs would be and took it from there) and that living with parents was a relatively new thing, DP moved out at 16 and has lived independently most of life without problems, lived with ex partners etc. So it wouldn't be a problem at all.

DP is very passive, I don't think I'd have a problem there-honestly isn't bothered about having a house or assets or anything at all like that and wouldn't have the confidence to contest anything/go to a solicitor/get advice about anything to do with houses.

I really don't want to rent. More expensive and I'd just, as a landlord of several properties, feel a bit odd doing that. And no security, can get chucked out at any time, some landlords are nightmares etc...

I'd keep everything in your name but draw up a rental agreement instead and he simply pays you rent to cover his board. At least this way you're financially supported but also protect your investment.
Don't risk a DP having ANY sort of claim on something you fully purchase yourself.

Down the line if you get married etc and buy something together then again, ensure you get a tenants in common document detailing whatever %split you have, taking into account who pays how much for all the other fees like solicitors, stamp duty agent fees etc etc.

This

This too

It should be 'because I love him and he's so good to me' not we've been together for years

He has too much month left at the end of the money is worrying when he currently lives so very cheaply. This will mean while be might say he is going 50/50, he will most likely stop paying for things in the last week or two of the month. So you will have to pay for nights out / days away, or you dont get them.

@Unexpectedlysinglemum I just am not a person who really says things like that to people on the internet on a thread about finances. Of course we do love one another. It just isn't something I thought was necessary to say here. It is a bit strange if you both want to live together, to not, I think.

I hate being long distance. Loved living with my previous partner-we didn't work out but it wasn't anything to do with living together, we're still on friendly terms.

@ArnieLinson that is actually a good point, thank you-my ex was like that! Spend spend spend (a lot of it on me!) when money was accessible but then it was gone and that was that, if I wanted us to go out for dinner/a few drinks/do something it was on me!

Love has nothing to do with finances - go ask any divorce lawyer! THAT is why you're seen as immature.

You are basically happy to have someone leach off you, and even if you're ok with that, you seriously don't question someone who at their age should not be living at home with their parents and have no financial stability whatsoever... I mean AT ALL, and not because something awful happened, but because they're just utterly incapable/not bothered....so someone else has to pick up the slack FOR them and that person is apparently going to be you because what? You are in love?
Righto! I hope you fall in love with being a full time carer for free and still feel the same about them 1 year into living together because my money is on that not happening.

It also blows my mind that you come here posting on the relationship section of this forum about a finance issue when the common sense answer to any situation like this is to get a lawyer and get some sort of legal agreement drawn up.
Perhaps you should just rent a creche to live in for both of you. Go and look at the fucking MESS some women have found themselves in as a result of being this naive!

Ah the classic... "I am in a better financial situation than DH" = "Why do you see a future with this man?!"

Obviously, love doesn't play a part... just security.

@roses321I do question it, I think it is frankly, fecking weird to be honest. I really hate staying there when I visit, it just feels so odd.

As above I don't believe DP would leach off me.

DP works fulltime too. I dont think I'd end up being a carer as I also work fulltime.

If we don't work out I'd probably change the mortgage to BTL and rent it out.

Unless I am really unlucky/stupid and buy a house that depletes in value, OR DP doesn't pay toward expenses which I don't believe will happen, I don't see how I could end up in 'A fucking mess'.

I just wanted to know what people thought was fair, with one party having a mortgage and the other not having any stake in the house or any security with it.

I'm very wary of you moving in with him, OP, and not just because of the rent/mortgage issue. You sound amazing - you've done so much financially and you're in a really strong position. He sounds far too passive - almost inert. I know you love him but I think what it is is that you're lonely living on your own. Do you really think someone with such little get-up-and-go is a good match for you? He'll never have any money - you're going to charge him double what he currently pays his parents (same cost plus half the bills, I think you said) and he has debt now. Who is in debt when they work full time and £250 per month is all they have to pay? Someone who's financially incontinent, that's who - the complete opposite to you.

He'll never be able to afford to go on holiday with you or to pull his weight if you go out for meals etc, because he's completely useless with money. If you control his money, then it's very likely it would lead to resentment on both parts. You need a partner, not a teenager child equivalent.

I really think you should rethink this. Just because you love someone, it doesn't mean you're going to have a happy life together.

Lol! No, did you read the post? He has NO financial security. Not better, not slightly worse... NONE.

So yes... my point stands - why would you want to be his mother. But you do you.

I wouldn't charge my partner rent if I owned my property. After, say, 25yrs when the mortgage is paid off, I think my partner would feel peeved that he has been contributing to the mortgage for 25 yrs and has nothing to show for it.

Yeah i agree, although there are protections in place for people in this situation.

However the answer for op is get a lawyer!!

But if they lived absolutely anywhere else they would pay rent. Why should they live rent-free just because you're sleeping together? We're just encouraging cocklodgers that way.

"I didn't think he would do that" is the first sentence out of most womens mouths when they end up in said "fucking mess". Grow up.

Secondly it's not about what a bunch of random strangers think is fair, it is about what financially protects you and YOUR investment legally, as in... by way of the actual law and not just a finger in the air and a "seems legit".

This partner of yours has NO desire to do anything with their life, they are happy where they are. If they weren't, why are they in that situation? Why aren't they striving for better? Perhaps it's because simply put, they don't have to and don't want to. You're not asking anymore of them after all, but oh wait... you want more apparently which means guess what? You have to make that happen on your own. How romantic.

But if you think that should you buy a house, move them in and have no financial protection they would just walk away no questions asked when getting something out of it is possible then you're naive. You're also why family lawyers are never out of work.

Living so far away from someone and being in a relationship with them grants you a great deal of distance from who they really are. Visiting someone is one thing, talking on the phone, texting and the whole absence makes the heart grow fonder is all nice, but it is NOT the same as having a financial/real life arrangement with someone and buying a house then moving them into it. That counts regardless of whether or not they are a legal owner or paying the mortgage.

If you do not think equality is important in a relationship, you are a fool. It's not about them needing to match you or even earn more than you, it's about the fact there is a massive equality gap in your relationship which at present does not cause a problem because you are essentially in a LDR and have nothing shared.

If you're determined to do this, fine, but get a solicitor to draw up an agreement so that if it turns nasty you have your back covered. Just because you have the mortgage and your name on the deeds doesn't mean someone can't cause you a whole heap of shit later down the line in the form of:

• Refusing to leave
• Attempting to claim part of your home and cost you in legal fees trying to defend yourself.

Should you get an agreement drawn up that basically says "you'll own no part of this home now or ever should we break up, and your ability to live in it can be terminated any time I see fit" I wonder how keen they'll be on signing it. I wonder how keen they'll be on leaving if it's their home for 5 years for example.

To be honest it's a fully shit idea for them, and a worse one for you, but if John Lennon is apparently the way to go here with "love is all you need" then please feel free to carry on.

I should also note that John Lennon was an abusive asshole, but no... you're right... love is all you need. Everyone else is just doing it wrong and that's why situations like this so often crash and burn - perhaps they just didn't love each other enough. eyeroll.

I have never heard the term cocklodger but it is now my favourite word.

Also you're incorrect - SHE would be paying the rent. She has sorted her financial situation out and is ok, her partner is a dead weight.

Superb post

@thebartenderatethethief

I am going to do as you suggested. I'll look on Rightmove at the sort of mortgage we might get and then use what I pay now (although we'll probably buy a slightly larger house than the one I live in by myself) and see what happens!

Not we OP, but I. YOU will be the person buying the house, getting the mortgage because I'm guessing he wouldn't be eligible as he's such a poor money manager, the equity would be yours from your sold property. Best to get into the mindset so there are no misunderstandings.

Also, when he pays you for rent and bills, perhaps have that as a regular standing order from his bank account to yours. Therefore no reminding necessary and one less thing for you to remember.

Regarding work on your new house, ensure you have evidence that you have paid for the materials and reimbursed him as appropriate. I'm sure your solicitor could advise how to clarify this for you when you consult them regarding the cohabitation agreement.

Also talk to your solicitor about making your DP a beneficiary or part-beneficiary on your life insurance, pension and, if you have it, death in service benefit in case anything happened to you whilst you were together. This would need to be reflected in your Will I'm assuming. (I am, obviously, not a lawyer.).

I'm assuming that living with him doesn't include getting married - financially you'd have a great deal to lose if you divorced. 🌹

OP, you are going to be potentially subbing his life, just why?

I would absolutely not do it this way. I'd get him paying the utilities directly, beacause should it go badly how will you prove what that money was for?

@MILTOBE it confuses me that's for sure, I'd never want to live with my parents even as a much younger adult, but if I did I think the main advantage would be being able to save money. But then I like to have money saved, to DP it isn't important. Apparently DP used to be a good saver but 'can't save' now. Says it is because life living with parents only has the advantage of being able to do what you want/spend what you want/go out/buy things. I'd not be like that in that situation but that's what DP is like.

Currently DP usually wants to insist on paying for most things (shopping if we're together at mine, drinks/meals out etc.) but I do protest and pay my way most of the time. I had a lull in clients for a few months recently and I did let DP pick up a few bills then but mostly I prefer to be equal.

I don't like not living with DP but I am generally okay with living alone, have seen some merits in it more recently.

DP has asked me to save money in my own bank account several times (went on holiday with friends for example and gave me the holiday money to keep!) because just 'can't save' apparently so you have that correct. Financial incontinence is a good way of putting it.

DP did live alone when we first met but moved in with parents. Doesn't actually see much of them due to working schedules so I think that makes it easier all round.
Would things be different if DP was to move into my house now, rather than me getting another one do you think
I will get a solicitor, however DP is very non-confrontational and wouldn't dare go to court/do anything legality wise, very shy and wouldn't know what to say to them. However would definitely sign anything I asked them to. We used to speak about getting married and I said I'd pre-nup due to assets, DP said no problem at all.

Not sure about the John Lennon reference, can't stand him nor the Beatles.

@roses321 I can't believe you've never heard that word!

@Newestname002 yes I should have put 'I'.

DP has no money to put toward a deposit so for that reason I think the mortgage should just go in my name, even though we'd probably get a better mortgage with two of us paying it.Thank you for the advice regarding any repairs to the house etc.
I did used to want to get married, I still do in the romantic sense but I just don't think it is possible as I'd have to pay for all that too (my parents would probably want to put toward).

She's not paying rent now though - she's paying a mortgage. He's the one who pays rent and would have to pay rent wherever he lived, which is why he should pay it if he lives with her.