No idea if he is good or bad...please help me see wood from trees

[AndStilliRise]

Trying to not drip feed so hoping to provide all the information here:

Been with my husband for 20years. We have 2 children (15/21). Older one is living close to work and the younger one with us.

DH is a very supportive farther, spends considerable amount of time with them the kids when they were growing up and even now is actively involved with their hobbies, schooling and future endeavors.

He is always keen to spend time with our kids, his brothers kids and loves to take them out doing activities such as zoo, gokarting, cinema etc etc

He also has a number of his own hobbies. Very active, very fit. Has loads of friends including friend-girls which all love his company.

We live in London, have a huge detached house that has just been renovated to a high standard and live comfortably from my husband's business. I don't have to work or contribute financially. He also deposits cash into mine and children's accounts throughout the month and is usually very selfless when it comes to anything financially.

However....I have never really loved him nor grown to love him. Despite him not doing anything wrong, he has never cheated or gambled or been abusive to me or the kids and is genuially a good man. My friends all like him and he has a good reputation within and outside the family.

...so the problem is, I keep feeling that I have missed something in my life or there is something else for me. I don't really know what to do, I keep thinking that the grass seems greener elsewhere but it would be a huge risk to risk everything for the hope I might meet someone who would give me the missing feeling?

Well I don’t understand why you’re questioning whether he is good or bad when the evidence suggests you traded the opportunity for “ true love” for financial security. You can proceed as you are and accept you have a privileged life or you can leave and start a new life in the hopes you can have a more authentic relationship. ( Or a suppose you could propose an open relationship - maybe he’d be up for that. Somehow I think the women would be lining up.)

Maybe you need a challenge or an interest in your life, as it would seem you are a bit bored?

Exactly this.

What exactly would make the grass greener elsewhere? Everything you've already got in your husband but in a more handsome/even wealthier package?

And you're absolutely confident you're the kind of magnificent flower that would set off this greener grass?

You’re bored and need to get an occupation. A hobby, new experiences. God I’d absolutely kill to be in your position (asides lack of own occupation). Im actually green reading this post. Your husband sounds like an absolute rare diamond and believe me the dating world out there is truly horrific.

Two questions:

1. Why did you marry him if you've never really loved him? Just for financial security?
2. How do the two of you get on when you're alone together, chatting about your respective days etc?

There would be a queue of women ready and willing to take him off your hands.

Would there be a queue of men for you? Hmmm

Actually, a third question:
3) Does he know you don't love him?

He sounds good. Really good. But if you don’t love the poor bastard maybe think about next steps. You will need to find work and support yourself so start there.

He is definitely good. Very good by the sounds of it.

It would be a massive risk to step away from your home, your family and your not insignificant financial security for a 'missing feeling' (love?). If you're willing to give up everything as you know it, go for it. But maybe first have some therapy to figure out what you actually want for yourself and then decide.

You are an idiot.

He's wonderful. Go volunteer in a women's shelter. Or a like minded charity. See the real world. Help someone. You will soon see how green the grass is on your side.

You’re going to get a hard time without him, job could be tough, housing and coping.
if you have no major health problems, you are very fortunate.
61, left my ex and sons, at 37, got a settlement so a house, job of course, sadly no other half, despite trying for years.
i have great friends, and family, fab cat, mid stage Parkinson’s, yes had to give up work.
You may crave lusttho

He also has a number of his own hobbies. Very active, very fit. Has loads of friends

Take a leaf out of your husband's book, and get a hobby and social life. You're bored, and navel gazing. You arent young anymore, meeting a decent man who will treat you well is a minefield and you may find men just push you from pillar to post. The grass isnt necessarily greener on the other side. Men like your husband are rare. You've the time and money to get into anything you want to, pick something youre interested in and take it from there. More to life than thinking about men

It would be interesting to see how you'd feel if he said this to you. You say you dont/have never loved him but do you really know what love is?
I think you need to talk through your feelings with a counsellor or similar. Does the thought of him being with another woman cause any jealousy?

Why have you chosen not to have interests or challenges outside of the home? I think your lifevisca bitvdull and you could be blaming him. Get some passion in your life. If there's nothing excites or even interests you I'd say you are the problem.
Careful what you wish for.

Spot on....

Your title vs your post makes no sense at all....

Why would he be "bad"? (Based on what you've posted anyway). It's you that seems to have an issue in that you've married someone you didn't love, had DC and spent the whole marriage milking him for what you can while sitting back for an easy life.

If you want to leave him for "true love" and a few butterflies that's your choice but you need to be honest with yourself and stop trying to put it on him

Oh and become financially independent while you're at it

You’ve had it good for so long, you don’t know when you are well off. You appear to take so much about your life for granted. Like another poster wrote up-thread, you need a good dose of reality. Oh and a little appreciation would go a long way.

Disney films have given society a warped view of what a long term relationship is. Or even what love is. Love is knowing that someone will be there for you through thick and thin. Love is knowing you can rely on that person. It is not excitement and lust, that’s for silly teenagers. Sorry OP but I think you need to grow up a bit.

Sounds too good to be true

thirding this.

you are a man’s worst nightmare. Do something for yourself for a change.

Yep, as others have said - reality check needed. He sounds like a great husband. Passion doesn’t last forever but respect, care and love can and do.

I’d be worried I bored this guy with lots of hobbies, interests and friends….

Go to college. Stimulate your brain. Become a Pilates teacher (or whatever interests you).

Don’t let a good man slip out of your hands.

If I had your life I'd be bored stupid.

Go to college. Get some qualifications. Make some friends. Get a job. Make more friends. You are in a city with plenty going on ffs. London is a city of opportunity. Why the hell aren't you taking advantage of that?

Your youngest will leave home at some point snd then it'll be just you and your husband. You need to take steps now to make yourself independent and then you have options on what you want to do next.

I am biased because I'm divorcing my husband rn but I have a decent job so I can support myself. I live in London too. I might not have your DHs wealth but even if my ex was rich I'd still have a PT job. I would not want to rely totally on him.