No idea if he is good or bad...please help me see wood from trees

[AndStilliRise]

Trying to not drip feed so hoping to provide all the information here:

Been with my husband for 20years. We have 2 children (15/21). Older one is living close to work and the younger one with us.

DH is a very supportive farther, spends considerable amount of time with them the kids when they were growing up and even now is actively involved with their hobbies, schooling and future endeavors.

He is always keen to spend time with our kids, his brothers kids and loves to take them out doing activities such as zoo, gokarting, cinema etc etc

He also has a number of his own hobbies. Very active, very fit. Has loads of friends including friend-girls which all love his company.

We live in London, have a huge detached house that has just been renovated to a high standard and live comfortably from my husband's business. I don't have to work or contribute financially. He also deposits cash into mine and children's accounts throughout the month and is usually very selfless when it comes to anything financially.

However....I have never really loved him nor grown to love him. Despite him not doing anything wrong, he has never cheated or gambled or been abusive to me or the kids and is genuially a good man. My friends all like him and he has a good reputation within and outside the family.

...so the problem is, I keep feeling that I have missed something in my life or there is something else for me. I don't really know what to do, I keep thinking that the grass seems greener elsewhere but it would be a huge risk to risk everything for the hope I might meet someone who would give me the missing feeling?

It's not whether you have a good or bad man but whether you have a good or bad relationship....2 very different things.

There is nothing to suggest your husband is 'bad' ( although lack of empathy is probably difficult to live with! Your relationship however does not sound ideal, and possibly setting a poor example for your children however it would be far better to work on that from the inside than 'throw the baby out with the bath water'.

I agree with others that finding satisfaction and purpose in your own life may help you strengthen your relationship.

And very few long term relationships are hearts and flowers, love and romance take work and I would question if you are putting any effort in ?

Maybe try marriage guidance in the first instance.

You’re getting a bit of a hard time on here, I think, OP. On the surface, you seem to have it all — financially at least — and I can’t help feeling if you’d phrased your OP differently (and not mentioned finances) you may very well have got a different response. If you’d have said he’s perfectly nice, and we have a good life together from the outside, but I’m not sure either of us really love each other (I’m putting words in your mouth there, I know, but you said whenever you’ve mentioned divorce, he’s just shrugged and said okay, which seems to suggest he wouldn’t exactly be heartbroken), and I can’t help feeling there should be more to life than this, etc, etc, I think you’d get more of a range of responses. Having said that, it does sound as though your life isn’t very fulfilling so perhaps as PP have suggested, you should look at that; leaving your DH might be the answer, or part of it at least — but so too might getting a job or volunteering somewhere where you feel you’re really making a difference. The other thing is that most of us think as you do sometimes — that there must be more to life than this — but that doesn’t mean it’s true… And ultimately only you can really decide whether you want to put it to the test!

What you need is to have a good look at yourself and your life, and decide what you want to do with it? Are you a fun person to be with? Are you interesting? Are you bored?

Was this an arranged marriage?

Your comments about never loving him, haven't grown to love him, him not being overly bothered by divorce implying he doesn't love you either, and him fitting in well with the family are reminiscent of arranged marriages in my DPs culture.

@AndStilliRise

That was my question, has anyone left a good man and found happiness. In the years, I have asked for a divorce and he has shrugged his shoulders and said no probs and would be willing to give me what I want.

This sounds so sad. If you really feel you need to divorce him then that's what you should do - research how you'd go about it and what your new life would look like for you. But don't ask him for a divorce and then stay where you are, doing nothing to improve your own situation.

If you feel you would be happier in a new life then see what you need to do to make that happen, don't stay in a relationship which doesn't seem to make either of you happy. 🌹

Would you be happier alone? That's the most likely outcome if you divorce. Picture yourself in a smaller house with a divided family. Children are affected by divorce no matter how old they are. They may take sides. Not a reason for you to stay but to consider. You may have to get a job to finance yourself. Is that what you want? Maybe it's time for you to carve out a career for yourself?

Off you go then and make your own way in the world. As you entered this marriage knowing you didn't love this man, i hope you do the decent thing and leave without half the house, his pension, savings etc But i have a feeling you would have no such thoughts and would grab all you could just as you have done for 2 decades.
You have done this man and your children a great dis-service by lying. You are a fraud and i hope when you leave you have plenty of time alone to think about the life you have stolen from your Husband. He could have spent decades with someone that did love him.
You made the choice 20 years ago and now you are willing to wreck so many lives. That says so much about you and none of it is attractive.

Why don’t you work? I know you say you don’t have to but you could have kept your career or gone back to it as your children are grown up now? I would say that is the obvious problem.

OP, while you're mulling everything over. Maybe you should take steps to become financially independent. It'll give you more options. It's time you got some hobbies and interests of your own on top.

Baffled as to why the first reply was deleted (it's left quoted in other posts). It stated facts and was simply one poster's opinion, an opinion that person is entitled to hold. It may be a bit unkind but the OP is specifically asking for people's opionions and she got one, even if she does not like it. Talk about wokeness.........I do not understand MN admin decisions sometimes. There is not much point to forums like MN if they delete unpopular opinions, stifling debate.

From that last comment about him shrugging his shoulders when you mentioned divorce, it seems that he feels a similar way about the relationship.

You need a new interest, and I don't mean love interest. Take up an absorbing hobby, find a part-time job, volunteer for a charity. Something to give you more positivity and feel better about yourself. You're stuck in a rut, and the old cliche about finding yourself is probably something you actually need to do. Do something that doesn't involve being viewed as someone's wife or mother. Find something for you. Do that, and in time you will find that you'll begin to know what to do about the relationship.

It might seemed im spoilt but you can have the lifestyle and not be happy.

This is a picture of the aquarium. I asked for a fish tank and a couple of pets and he went and got this designed and built.

And it's exactly this, he has a level of success which I can not live with. Who in the mind, could design and build something like that off the idea of having a fish tank!

It's not all easy. I don't work, not really needed tbh. The contributions to the family would be minimal and husband usually deposits cash into mine and my children's accounts. I have been raising our children and he values that although the odd jibe of being free does get raised by him.

I also manage all the household, I pay all the bills, using the family credit card, do the shopping, cleaning and looking after the children.

I do have my own circle of friends and a couple of hobbies but everyone I talk to in real life all tell me the same thing, which is what has also been posted in here.

Also sex life is usually very good, very giving and fulfilling, although he is more keen than me we dtd 5 times per month on average. We also go out to restaurants and events frequently.

He does have bad points, these are:

1. Lack of empathy
2. Highly focused (can be sports or work or anything)
3. Always busy
4. Does not understand why people don't think like him
5. Controlled aggression (again can be sports or just to focus on something)
6. Always wanting success (i.e. winning races (run, cycle), career, business)

While @Nearlythere80 has been harsh with her comment, it is something to think about OP.

Passion and excitement rarely lasts and is no substitute for a solid, stable relationship.
You sound like you hit the jackpot and a million miles away from my relationships.
I made the mistake of falling for guys who at the time l believed to be passionate and exciting, and l ended up paying a massive price.
The pendulum swings both ways in relationships like that, extreme highs, extreme lows with very little in the way of consistency or longevity. It doesn't bode well for family life.

I think it's telling OP that you're looking to divorce to solve your problems.

It sounds like, as a "kept woman", your husband has solved many problems for you over your lifetime. So with your current feeling of lack of purpose, lack of fulfilment - your mind looks to him as the root cause, or solution, rather than within yourself.

You're so used to him defining your life and providing for you that you assume to find your own purpose you must need to leave.

But I'm not sure that's true. Try "finding yourself" while remaining in the marriage. That will be tough because you will need to turn the spotlight in on yourself. It may help to talk this through with a therapist.

If he's not supportive once you start to try new things and spread your wings a bit, well then the health of the marriage might need consideration.

But it strikes me that he's not really at the root cause of your issues. Your husband can't solve this for you, whether that's by his own action or by you being without him.

You're jealous of his success, so why not study and find your own?

Re: the fish tank - when you decided you wanted one why didn't you just get one using your own wherewithal? Do the research, make the purchase, pick the fish, etc? It would have given you something to do.

I think I get what you mean OP, having seen the fish tank. I wouldn't take any pleasure from that either, it wouldn't be what I had in mind. One of the final straws in a friendship for me was being bought a ludicrously fancy bouquet of exotic flowers that didn't look like any flowers I recognise. Sounds utterly spoilt and unreasonable I know but I'm a tulips and daffs person, it just felt like they didn't know me at all.

If you go it alone it needs to be on that basis, don't do it in the hope of meeting someone who makes your knees go weak.

I agree with the advice about getting more hobbies and a job yourself but I do think there's a risk you'll end up living separate lives.

OP if that aquarium is custome built it could be outing.
I would delete if I were you.

Money, good sex, leisure time, nice home.

The grass on the other side may not be as green as you think. And the odds of finding a well-off, fit, financially solvent and stable man in his 40s or 50s are staggeringly slim.

The pp who said the solution is within you is right. Why don't you enroll in uni or something? I'd kill to have the time and money to pursue a different degree.

Or volunteer. Or get a job. I think if you start mingling with a wider array of people you'll see that you have it pretty good. Marriage can't fulfill your every single need, emotionally or otherwise. That's up to you.

(And why didn't you just get the modest aquarium you wanted instead of delegating to him?)

It’s true though isn’t it. Sounds like you married him for his money from the off (if you never loved him what other reason can there be?) so you can hardly be surprised this is now the position you found yourself in.

Have you never wanted autonomy or independence? Not only financially but a life that didn’t revolve around your family. If I was him I’d feel you were taking the piss tbh not to be working at the ages the kids are now. Of course no one is obligated to stay in a relationship they’re unhappy in, so maybe think about doing things for yourself, supporting yourself, and carving out a semblance of your own life in order to leave. Seems unfair to stay with the guy just to take advantage of his deep pockets.

I think I'm in love with him, based on this post!

I didn't marry him for his money. In fact, we lived together after uni in a 1 bed flat rented in Staines. The wealth we now share is just that, he acknowledges that without a supporting wife, we would not be in the current house. Which is one of the reasons he is very generous with both time and money and more than happy to ensure any divorce would be 50/50.

I do often wonder if he loves me, I certainly don't give him much back to reciprocate any mutual feelings.

His phone is always open, always either doing some sport or at home and there is no question of infidelity. Any friend-girls he has, always very quick to tell me about them. Even the ones which he fancies.

Right, again, the response seems very similar to RL. And yes, it does all seem to fall into my own insecurities and that the solution would be to work on myself rather than a relationship.

I wonder if there are a lot of men on this thread.
It’s all very well being financially secure but if you don’t love someone, then that’s it.
It could be they’re not compatible, don’t find each other attractive, don’t make each other laugh… I’d rather be with DH and need to work than be with someone who I’m not interested in!

I have never really loved him

Well this is, and has always been, your problem. Why on earth did you marry him then?

It's a problem of your own making and you seem unable or unwilling to realise that the solution (to leave him) is also in your hands as well.