No idea if he is good or bad...please help me see wood from trees

[AndStilliRise]

Trying to not drip feed so hoping to provide all the information here:

Been with my husband for 20years. We have 2 children (15/21). Older one is living close to work and the younger one with us.

DH is a very supportive farther, spends considerable amount of time with them the kids when they were growing up and even now is actively involved with their hobbies, schooling and future endeavors.

He is always keen to spend time with our kids, his brothers kids and loves to take them out doing activities such as zoo, gokarting, cinema etc etc

He also has a number of his own hobbies. Very active, very fit. Has loads of friends including friend-girls which all love his company.

We live in London, have a huge detached house that has just been renovated to a high standard and live comfortably from my husband's business. I don't have to work or contribute financially. He also deposits cash into mine and children's accounts throughout the month and is usually very selfless when it comes to anything financially.

However....I have never really loved him nor grown to love him. Despite him not doing anything wrong, he has never cheated or gambled or been abusive to me or the kids and is genuially a good man. My friends all like him and he has a good reputation within and outside the family.

...so the problem is, I keep feeling that I have missed something in my life or there is something else for me. I don't really know what to do, I keep thinking that the grass seems greener elsewhere but it would be a huge risk to risk everything for the hope I might meet someone who would give me the missing feeling?

Your poor husband. He deserves better than someone who doesn’t love him and is only using him for what he can provide.

Why did you marry him if you've never really loved him? Just for financial security?

Two words, Ker and Ching

This.

Entirely this.

You are an entitled sounding nightmare.
The grass is greener where you water it. You take your husband for granted by the sound of it and no matter how much he gives, you'll want more.

You're the only person in charge of your own happiness yet you do nothing for yourself.

Try getting a job and paying your way, learn about life in the real world.

I actually feel very sorry for your husband.

Nearlythere80 nailed it. I would also like to add, what do you think would happen if you left your husband? Life would certainly not be as rosy. You need to read a few of the horror story relationships on this board and count your blessings. If a man posted this he would be incinerated, not flamed and rightly so.

OP,
I wonder if you are missing the feeling of an intimate connection ? Your life sounds very "good" but there is imdeed more to life than material comfort and a supportive Dad/friend character as a partner.
Look up John Gottman "Making marriage work' on Youtube and the websites of Al Turtle and Drpsychmom on Google.
Read through their websites and see if anything speaks to you. Explore your own feelings.

Troll?

Because her husbands an actual fucking saint and he’s still not good enough for her. Her dissatisfaction has come from her spending her life leeching off a man most of us can only dream of, whilst bringing almost nothing to the table herself. And she’s decided the problem must be her husband, not her. She doesn’t deserve him, and it’s shit to see that such a wonderful person has wasted his life with someone who doesn’t appreciate being treated like a queen

Just imagine if it was a man posting this about his wife

Is this a reverse?

If it was a plot for a novel, I wouldn’t read it…..

OP, you sound like a middle-aged woman with too much time on her hands and a head full of nonsense. What's missing from your life isn't a man who makes your heart beat faster. It's any sense of gratitude for the good fortune in having what so many women can only dream of. Go volunteer at a local food bank and see how green your grass looks from there.

I'm shocked if this post is real.

Lovely home, as much money as you need without having to work for it, no hard slog at the office or early morning commutes, the children have a great dad. It doesn't sound as though he's doing anything wrong, in answer to your title.

If you've never loved him, then any unhappiness related to that is down to you making the decision to marry someone you didn't love. You should be honest with him and tell him that. It isn't fair to stay with someone you don't love.

Would counselling help? Did you feel romantic love for anyone before you met your DH (or since)? Could it be that you're expecting too much from 'love'?

Is your life full and varied enough? You don't have a job, and the way you describe your DH's hobbies makes me think you don't have many (or any) of your own? With children growing up, that is a lot of empty time. Mid Life Crisis is a term for a reason. And it often applies much more strongly for someone whose life has revolved around children and home. I echo pp - get some paid work, a qualification, do volunteer work - all things that make you feel busy and useful. This applies whether or not you stay married.

If you're still reading OP, I am interested to know what your relationship with him is like. I left a relationship which was not too dissimilar in terms of being financially secure but it was not a good relationship.

You have told us that he gets on well with your children but does he treat you well and with respect?

Bloody hell. Why did you marry him and have two kids with him if you didn't think you loved him?? Poor guy.

He treats me well. Although he lacks empathy for how I'm feeling as he says it gets in the way of success.

My resentment is due to his success, I hate to admit it.

Apart from that and the fact I have never loved him, he is a good man. He has never cheated, gambled or be violent with me.

He gets angry and frustrated but takes things out in the gym or at boxing, never me nor the kids.

That was my question, has anyone left a good man and found happiness. In the years, I have asked for a divorce and he has shrugged his shoulders and said no probs and would be willing to give me what I want.

And I'm not sure why you're questioning if he's 'good or bad' - you haven't mentioned a single bad thing about him!

Sometimes, when people have a trauma in their childhood, trusting and loving adults becomes impossible. You shut off that vulnerability because at a very deep level it just feels too dangerous.

Do you love yourself op?

If it’s an option for you, I’d start with therapy (by yourself, not couples counselling) and explore some of these feelings, before exploding your life.

This is the best answer .
OP You are just bored- you won’t know what’s hit you if you throw it all away .

My post above is relating to the very first reply on this thread . The one from Nearlythere80.

Let’s say you leave him. He goes from “give you whatever you want” to protecting his assets and you get the minimum in the divorce. You move into a small flat maybe out of London away from your eldest and uprooting your youngest to take them with you. Or your child decides to stay with their dad. You have to get a full time job but you don’t have any work history or qualifications so it’s minimum wage. You’re too busy for dating and when you do, you find out that most men your age are after younger women. You don’t find anyone to shack up with and when your youngest moves out, you live alone.

I would think very carefully about your current life and what you really want. Are you able to provide for yourself?

the only pro to a divorce is that your DH appears to be a kind man that deserves better so he would be better off than living with someone who doesn’t love him. You can’t muster up even a shred of fondness for him?

Is the problem that you don't feel you have had successes of your own? You are just playing the supporting role to his life?

If so, maybe work on getting a job and see what you can achieve for yourself.

If you resent his success, then reframe it - think of your contribution to his life and how you running home & kids has enabled his ability to be a success.

And (whilst you catch yourself on ffs!), do something you want to do and create your own success!

There are some really nasty comments on this thread, mostly from people about her financial comforts and him being a god based on this. Op said absolutely nothing about his personality and their relationship other than that he doesn't abuse her.

It sounds like you lack connection and intimacy with him op, is that the problem? You sound lonely.

I echo the sentiments here. Your husband sounds like the perfect man. Instead of thinking about yourself in this situation I'd urge you to think about him and your family. How can yoi better serve them? How can you be a better partner and lover and a better mother. Deepen your connection with your family. The grass is NOT greener elsewhere. Maybe you do need an occupation or to volunteer. You're in a position people would die to be in and its only your mindset stopping you from seeing how beautiful it is.

Maybe try new exciting dates with your husband etc. Love is a choice.

I think you should first focus on other parts of your life before placing blame of your feelings on your husband.

your children are of an age that they are more independent and don’t rely on you and you don’t have a career or hobbies by the sound?

have a good think about what interests you in life. Animals, fitness, helping better other peoples lives etc and try and build something with it. Start a new course, volunteer, join a group. Maybe join a local group to meet other woman your age and build some friendships.

once you’ve tried this and you have other stuff going on in your life you may resent your husbands success less and find you are all round more content in your life.

Yeah, this.

Try setting your alarm for before dawn for a few decades on end and going off to dreary job with mediocre pay, as millions of other women must do just to have shelter and food. See how bored you are then.