No idea if he is good or bad...please help me see wood from trees

[AndStilliRise]

Trying to not drip feed so hoping to provide all the information here:

Been with my husband for 20years. We have 2 children (15/21). Older one is living close to work and the younger one with us.

DH is a very supportive farther, spends considerable amount of time with them the kids when they were growing up and even now is actively involved with their hobbies, schooling and future endeavors.

He is always keen to spend time with our kids, his brothers kids and loves to take them out doing activities such as zoo, gokarting, cinema etc etc

He also has a number of his own hobbies. Very active, very fit. Has loads of friends including friend-girls which all love his company.

We live in London, have a huge detached house that has just been renovated to a high standard and live comfortably from my husband's business. I don't have to work or contribute financially. He also deposits cash into mine and children's accounts throughout the month and is usually very selfless when it comes to anything financially.

However....I have never really loved him nor grown to love him. Despite him not doing anything wrong, he has never cheated or gambled or been abusive to me or the kids and is genuially a good man. My friends all like him and he has a good reputation within and outside the family.

...so the problem is, I keep feeling that I have missed something in my life or there is something else for me. I don't really know what to do, I keep thinking that the grass seems greener elsewhere but it would be a huge risk to risk everything for the hope I might meet someone who would give me the missing feeling?

I completely agree. I can’t believe some of the replies OP is getting.

She is unhappy despite having a wealthy lifestyle? Well what a complete and utter bitch!! Whilst money makes life much more comfortable, it certainly doesn’t guarantee happiness - I thought this was an acceptable train of thought?

I completely sympathise op and my situation is very similar to yours (except dh would never do anything so thoughtful as build me a fish tank!) It sounds like he makes grand gestures but there isn’t really any “love” behind it - it’s about being successful and having the best of something.
Would you describe yourself as a trophy wife?

Sometimes being comfortable financially isn’t the be all and end all - I’m quite an emotional person and dh is very matter-of-fact, lacks empathy. For instance he won’t watch a soppy film and scoffs throughout. We don’t really have any shared interests. He has no friends and cuts people off if they annoy or upset him. As a result all he really has is his work and us, it’s stifling sometimes as I feel he isn’t a well-rounded person. I can’t talk to him unless it’s about something very factual, he never talks about his feelings and gets uncomfortable if I do. As a result I don’t feel I can be myself around him and have been a shell of myself around him for years. I feel like I’m a completely different person when with friends & family.

Do you relate to any of this?

Sorry, I don’t mean to go on about my situation- just that I really understand how you’re feeling. If I left dh I’d be in a much worse position financially and would have to probably get a job.

But maybe it’d be worth it to be free and not have to spend every day alongside someone who I don’t really like very much.

Today: I woke up late got the kid ready for rugby and got breakfast ready for all.

Husband: Wakes up at 5am, jumps on his bike, does 60miles on the trainer, in the home gym, showers, gets changed and takes son to rugby.

Comes back and suggests that after son has been for tuition we can go out for some food at a restaurant (probably nandos nothing special).

...
and this is my point, he makes things too easy to say yes.

And whilst it is easy to say, I have it very good, there is very little in terms of emotional support.

Again, he has had a successful day, training, spending time with our son (rugby) and with me and son latter now.

In some ways, I feel as though I am box ticking exercise for him. But that's how he works with everything.

1. Training - Done
2. Spend time with son - Done
3. Spend time with family - Todo

He cant just 'chill' the entire day. Sure there are holidays and stuff and does switch off but generally most days are like this.

...

There is literally nothing I can say that’s at fault with this man. I hope you try counselling as he seems like a prince amongst men tbh

@AndStilliRise , what do you want your life to be like?
What do you do to make your life more fulfilling?

Actually I can - she is very clear there is no emotional empathy, no warmth at all. Everything is transactional, carving out time into blocks for which spending time with her both sexually and as part of the family is something to be ticked off.

in effect she could be switched out for another woman and he wouldn’t care. You could switch in a robot a la Stepford Wives and he wouldn’t notice.

she lives in a gilded cage where all her physical needs are met but none of her emotional ones

Everyone understands this. But the thing is that OP chose to marry him knowing she didn't love him, so that's where she loses sympathy. Because this isn't his doing, it's hers.

Why did you marry your husband? You don't sound like you like him very much. It's OK not to like soppy films, to enjoy your work and to be matter-of-fact, those aren't negative traits. But you obviously think he's boring and unemotional. So... why did you marry him?

I don’t think you can actually say it isn’t his doing, or indeed think that it bothers him. Which is the crux of the whole thing - they both entered it ad a transactional agreement, she has for him fulfilled what he wanted. As far as he is concerned he has fulfilled his part.

the problem is that now the OP doesn’t feel fulfilled and she is never going to get that from him. So it is whether she can find other ways to feel fulfilled or risk giving everything up.

I will never understand women who don’t work when kids are teens and adults. Why would you want to deprive yourself of that independence or indeed the means to leave if you want to? As a woman earning more than my partner I’d boot him out on the spot if I knew he was only staying with me so he didn’t have to get a job.

Well, we don't know what he was thinking. He may have married OP because he was in love with her and thought she was in love with him, but fallen out of love over the years. Or he may not. He's not on this thread so we don't know.

We do know that OP has never loved him and yet still got married and had kids with him, for reasons she has yet to disclose.

If I left dh I’d be in a much worse position financially and would have to probably get a job

yes. That’s the trade off.

Why did you marry and have children with this man if you've never loved him ?

He's probably always been a "high achiever " so why are you surprised.

Have you never worked ?

The problem OP is that you keep saying things that are really not in and of themselves a problem. My dh is very like yours. He's hyperactive, hyperachieving and just generally hyper. Yes it can be exhausting, but we deal with it by sending him off to the gym and getting on with things ourselves. It's just a minor personality quirk, which just happens to make him quite successful so comes in handy in that sense.

The difference with your situation is that I have and have always had my own life, with my own goals and own achievements that I pursue. Even though we work together (and have done for 20 years) neither of us have had our lives completely subsumed by the other. There is give and take, and mutual accommodation of our wants (and quirks).

And I fell well and truly loved. He doesn't necessarily express it in the same way as others would, and we've never had and will never have lazy Sundays where we spend the whole morning in bed (I do, and he brings me tea, but he's off doing something or other), but in his own way (which mainly involves doing lots of stuff for me and the dc, whether we want them or not) he is always communicating how much he loves and appreciates us.

Maybe try to think of what your dh does which could be his way of expressing this? Have you talked to him about it? What does he say? I have had to over the years push back (often very, very hard) on dh to stop him being a tsunami that carries the family with him, but he has always accepted it and tried his best to adapt to what we actually want.

Some questions to answer:

1. Why did I marry him and have kids?

At the time of meeting and dating, he ticked all the boxes and was fun, focused and daring. All those items have remained but perhaps, I don't find that attractive anymore.

Perhaps I have gotten used to it all and not had too many difficult periods with DH. We had a few rough patches (when I wanted another child) but in the main, it's been generally very good. I have never said anything different.

We both wanted children and we are both active parents in their education and upbringing. So far DS1 has completed his degree, moves out and is working. DS2 is working towards his GCSE and we are supporting him through tuition, papers and marking his work.

1. What would I like?

I am not sure, hence why I am asking if my DH is good or bad! Although the consensus seems to be more me than him :)

1. As I have said, previously I do have a couple of hobbies and have time away from the house with friends etc. I'm certainly not simply sitting on my phone looking for faults. Although, I am not quite as focused as DH is, I do manage to get tasks completed.

1. DH finds me attractive. Always ready for DTD. He also buys me clothes, some might be as simple as a jumper from next or an expensive dress/sari. The purchases have been at random times, when he just felt like it. Never cheated but has loads of friend-girls which he tells me about.

1. DH, does love me, loves the kids and generally loves the stability of home-life. He was never one to be out all w/e with friends or anything, maybe a night or 2 during the year.

1. He is very callous with his own mind. Can deal with complex issues, quickly by removing emotions from decisions. Hence why, when I ask for divorce, he says he would provide a home for me and the kids to ensure everything is ok. Not sure how he would feel in reality but can imagine he would stick to this.

I seem to have my answer, will look to find some therapy :)

@AndStilliRise ..maybe he has ADHD??

I think you should either get new hobbies, extra hobbies, volunteer in people of less fortunate circumstances, or put your money (that you don't have) where you mouth is and leave him. Fair enough, maybe you're looking for some passion in your life, which, if you think it is worth leaving your husband for, do it.

If you have never loved him, maybe that is what exactly is missing, love, passion and desire for someone else. Would you consider an open marriage?

Only issue is, that passionate desire with someone else is usually fleeting and once it subsides and you start living in "the real world" with your new partner, you might yearn for your old life back.

I would seek therapy first and then analyse whether it would be worth opening the relationship up. Seems like you have nothing to lose.

I think you are bored and trying to make your husband responsible of your boredom.
You are not missing anything unless you had suddenly discovered a new love for drama and shitty family dynamics.

Good things over time became as routine as the bad ones. We are humans and if we got champagne every day for drink it will be a day that we will be fancying just a glass of water.