No idea if he is good or bad...please help me see wood from trees

[AndStilliRise]

Trying to not drip feed so hoping to provide all the information here:

Been with my husband for 20years. We have 2 children (15/21). Older one is living close to work and the younger one with us.

DH is a very supportive farther, spends considerable amount of time with them the kids when they were growing up and even now is actively involved with their hobbies, schooling and future endeavors.

He is always keen to spend time with our kids, his brothers kids and loves to take them out doing activities such as zoo, gokarting, cinema etc etc

He also has a number of his own hobbies. Very active, very fit. Has loads of friends including friend-girls which all love his company.

We live in London, have a huge detached house that has just been renovated to a high standard and live comfortably from my husband's business. I don't have to work or contribute financially. He also deposits cash into mine and children's accounts throughout the month and is usually very selfless when it comes to anything financially.

However....I have never really loved him nor grown to love him. Despite him not doing anything wrong, he has never cheated or gambled or been abusive to me or the kids and is genuially a good man. My friends all like him and he has a good reputation within and outside the family.

...so the problem is, I keep feeling that I have missed something in my life or there is something else for me. I don't really know what to do, I keep thinking that the grass seems greener elsewhere but it would be a huge risk to risk everything for the hope I might meet someone who would give me the missing feeling?

You aren't coming across as especially nice yourself by starting a thread about how you don't really love your husband (no issue with that) then adding a hugely identifiable picture of your home (massive issue with that - what a dick move!)

You are getting a hard time OP, but tbh, I think you are projecting onto 'not loving your husband' your dissatisfaction with yourself.

You sound incredibly passive. It is very easy when married to that type of man (I know, I'm married to one!). Whatever you ask for he will give to your 10x better than you could possibly have asked for, or you could have done yourself. It sounds wonderful, but can be curiously disempowering.

You found your place by keeping home, taking care of the dc and that being your place. It sounds like you had dc very quickly after getting together, so you didn't have a chance to figure out your relationship beforehand, and slipped into that place of safety, and let him get on with everything else. Now your dc are growing up, and you feel completely redundant, and crave something to get you going. Because you have never really had that feeling of passion from anything other than a man, you think you want a different man.

Maybe you do, but maybe what you need is a real passion project. Something which is yours, and yours alone. Which you have to work your ass off on, and will give you a real sense of achievement, like your dh gets from his work. It doesn't have to be a job, but something that requires real commitment and dedication.

If you find that, and at the end of it you decide that your marriage isn't working for you, then you should definitely end it. But if you end it without that, you will only take your problem with you, and as others have rightly pointed out, you are unlikely to find a man to satisfy that need. Because actually, a man makes a really crap life project. The best relationships are ones where both parties pursue their life projects (which may be the same or different ones, it doesn't matter) and can support each other in doing so.

It sounds like your dh would be very open to your finding something like that, and would probably like and respect you more if you did.

Oh, and I love the aquarium btw. Bonkers, but cool. Is it the kitchen island unit?

Get some life coaching so you have a more independent view of yourself and any aspirations you may have separate from what your husband does.
You sound like a spare part now that your youngest is not relying on you so much. Use your secure position to make your life more interesting.
You need to be in a position where you have grown your own wings before you start looking for greener fields.

Get a job! You're bored and a bit selfish by the sounds of it! You really ought to be building a real life outside the house, which includes being in employment. You would feel so much more pleasure from buying your own fish-tank with money you earned.

It's a fair comment.

What does OP bring to the party? What's she likely to achieve without her husband?

I think you would have had very different responses if you had said little or nothing about the financial situation, maybe just that you're a sahm, and more about the emotional dynamics in your OP.
The relationship does sound somehow empty of a true connection between you both.
Some therapy could help you to understand yourself and your feelings better and bring some clarity about what would bring you some joy.

Isn't that fish tank pic an outing??

Maybe OP wants to be outed? Force the issue? Cry for help?

You ended a friendship over that? Good grief…

Op, I think you need marriage counselling. You made a vow, so work on your marriage

Why don't you find something useful to do?

There's plenty of volunteering opportunities out there

Give your head a wobble

Sorry but I feel so sorry for your husband, he sounds like a catch.
You are exhibiting the kind of mentality that middle aged women loathe and dread in their ungrateful deluded spouses.

Yeah time to get a life outside of the home OP. Make your world a bit bigger

Why didn't you sort out your own fish tank? Stop being a passenger in your own life.

@Bernieee ha, no. It was one something in a line of things that made me think they didn't know me and we weren't compatible as friends. There was some more obviously less great behaviour, but oddly that bothered me less.
Sometimes you can have very little in common with a friend and it still works. This person we had lots in common on paper but over time it became apparent they paid no attention to who I was beyond a few tick box traits, I felt like I could have been anyone.

Sounds like he knows he doesn't do much for you. Don't know many men that would say ok, here's your divorce. I'd like to think he'd have strong enough feelings towards you to put some effort in. Seems like he is filling his time with friends. hobbies and dad things, becuase he isn't fussed with doing husband things with you.
Honestly, you will be replaced just like that. He is a low maintenance, high earning husband.

You have mentioned that he is sometimes angry, OP, and that he doesn't take it out on you or the kids. Why is he angry? Why is he frustrated? It sounds like there's something really eating him.
Was this an arranged marriage? If you are from an Asian background, did you undertake the usual compatibility assessments through a qualified Jyotish practitioner?

You sound like you have so little to think about, and nothing to worry about, you're inventing problems that aren't there. I feel sorry for your husband.

In the years, I have asked for a divorce and he has shrugged his shoulders and said no probs and would be willing to give me what I want

> He doesn't seem to love you

> You haven't taken him up on the divorce

Can't think why he could be angry or frustrated with an attitude like OP's wafting around the house.

The divorce conversation is wild. She said she might want one, he said OK then and then neither of them did anything about it? Isn't asking for a divorce kind of a nuclear option you can't come back from?

He is content that if there was a divorce, that finding someone else would not be a problem for either one of us.

Generally gets frustrated and angry with projects including work, hobbies are not progressing as required.

Not usually with anything else TBH. Just sees everything out of his control as just life and and accepts me for who I am. In the same way global politics frustrates me, he understands there is little that can be done to instigate any change of value.

The divorce converstation is usually, nearly always raised by me. He has never asked for one citing that his life, missing affection and love, is in a word, brilliant, for which he is grateful. This includes me and the children.

For all the negatives I have, he seems to be able to deal with life well. Grateful in the knowledge that it could be much worse.

...so....it does look as if it is more me than him. Writing it all out does help.

Oh OP, what lots of us would do to be in your position! Count your blessings and not your worries.

I would really suggest seeing a therapist to talk things through. Just because you are living a privileged life doesn’t mean you don’t get to have negative feelings about your life.

after a bit of self exploration you may see things in a whole different light and find some new positives in your life.

There are some seriously mercenary types on this thread. As long as he keeps the money flowing, who cares if there isn't a spark between them? The OP does, which frankly makes her less greedy, not more. To her, warmth and understanding between two people is more crucial than material wealth. That's not something to be castigated for. I also note that some posters are calling him "a saint" when she had said very little about his behaviours, except that he is very active with the children and is not abusive (although I've seen threads on here where the OP starts saying she has never been abused, only for the most frightful things to emerge on questioning - but we'll stick with assuming this man is perfectly decent as originally described).

I'd find her life impossible, frankly. To be kept by a man who seems to live his life through other people elsewhere, busy and absorbed with his own doings, a lot of fun to everyone but not really seeing who I am - it would drive me about as crazy as the almost exactly opposite marriage I did have. Couldn't be doing with it. Didn't always enjoy working, but having to run the perfect household whilst not working outside the home would have fried my brain.

I also disagree with those who feel sorry for her husband. He's having a great time with family, friends, hobbies, as much money as he wants to play with, and a wife at home sorting out the tricky bits. He's not showing any indication of suffering. He's even said if she wants to bugger off he'll wave her off with a decent settlement - not even a word of how much he'd personally miss her, because the indications are, he wouldn't. It is good that he appreciates what she does, but he could replace her in a heartbeat with someone else and barely notice the difference. She also appreciates what he does, hence why the introductory post is full of his virtues. But she doesn't love him and it really does not sound as though he loves her.

That said, OP, if you rub along well enough and could find satisfaction with a new interest outside the home, I'd get on with that and see whether it fills the gap. (For "new interest" I mean an absorbing hobby, career or friendship group. Definitely not recommending an affair as that is likely to cause a whole lot of unnecessary grief all round.)

I did get divorced in similar circumstances. You don't need many comments about "what are you spending my money on?" to feel completely undermined. Much happier with my objectively less successful partner and working full time again. Don't leave in the expectation of finding a new partner as these things can never be guaranteed, but you may want to leave if you want to be in control of your own successes and failures.