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Original poster

Is it ever “ok” to have an affair?

103 replies

SparklingSpaceMonkey · 05/01/2024 17:13

Long story short, married (10+ years) with two young kids, 10 year age gap with husband. Life is hard around work and children ( both children have special needs)
Relationships with husband has become more like a friendship, he can no longer have sex due to medical reasons, meds haven’t worked and he’s more than reluctant to investigate further. No intimacy at all for over a year.

I love my husband and don’t want to break our family apart but at the same time feel i will burst if I don’t get some intimacy from somewhere, desperately need to feel desired/attractive, alive etc

May possible have an opportunity for something outside my marriage….

Is that ever ok or the right thing to do?

Sorry for the slightly blunt info but this is incredibly hard to share- please don’t suggest chatting to husband about this as I’ve tried and it gets us nowhere, just causes lots of tears and upset

Thank you

OP posts:
BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 05/01/2024 17:16

No. Either end your marriage or agree to an open marriage.

Whatevershallidowithmylife · 05/01/2024 17:27

No it’s never OK. Try Love Honey or similar. Thankfully my DP loves me enough to realise that he’d rather have me in a sexless relationship due to my cancer than have an affair and lose me altogether.

Cas112 · 05/01/2024 17:28

No

SamW98 · 05/01/2024 17:29

No it’s not ok to cheat.

Precipice · 05/01/2024 17:29

It's okay if you're stuck in a forced arranged marriage or you live somewhere where it's not possible to divorce or separate at all. Not if you got together and could separate, but you just don't want to.

GoldDuster · 05/01/2024 17:31

he’s more than reluctant to investigate further.

You have to pay your money and take your choice. You need to decide if intimacy with someone else is more important to you than possibly losing your marriage. When you've decided if it's worth the risk tell him that you're not willing to spend the rest of your life without intimacy and present him with some choices. They might be, investigate further in earnest, agree to an open relationship, or leaving and possibly finding intimacy elsewhere as a sepearated woman, but it's a shit position to be in and there's no easy answer.

An affair isnt it though.

Riseandshinee · 05/01/2024 17:31

I’ll probably get jumped on for this but intimacy and feeling close to someone and sex are all human needs and your husband is neglecting you

ditalini · 05/01/2024 17:32

Honestly? I don't judge people who have lost their partner to dementia and have a discreet afair to replace some of the companionship they have lost.

Jonisaysitbest · 05/01/2024 17:32

That's so tough for you both but seeking out an affair will only lead to upset and will break your family apart.

Your husband must feel so bad about himself and probably has very low self esteem. He needs your love and support right now; that's what you signed up for when you got married isn't it?

Can you try counselling together so that you can discuss the issue?
There is so much more to intimacy than just sex.

How would you feel if he was considering this and you were in his position. And be completely honest with yourself when you think about that.

GoldDuster · 05/01/2024 17:33

Presuming that the issue is ED, there are millions of lesbians world over who manage to have an excellent sex life without an erect penis being in the room, would a therapist be able to help you both see things differnently maybe?

Coconutter24 · 05/01/2024 17:37

“Is that ever ok or the right thing to do? “

No

Tonight1 · 05/01/2024 17:37

This is a tricky one - I've felt like cheating but never did.

OK so you've said it's not possible to talk to H about this.

Would you be willing to make a clean break and then seek intimacy? Would you be happy at not having emotional closeness?

DustyLee123 · 05/01/2024 17:37

No, end the marriage.

SamW98 · 05/01/2024 17:42

I actually know someone who is no longer able to have sex after prostate cancer and his wife cheated on him. It destroyed him. Its torn his family apart and actually caused far more hurt for their DC than if they had just separated reasonably amicably.

coldcallerbaiter · 05/01/2024 17:43

If dh has cheated and you are staying, all bets are off imo. That is one scenario I would say to do as you please.

Also in the OP case I would not judge actually. If it was a long term issue and it had been a while. I think OP should try other suggestions first though.

Tillyboum · 05/01/2024 17:50

So many women on MN see black or white. Do you want an affair or occasional sex?
Would it cause more angst if you go out and come back every time or you stay and suffer?
If you can park your conscience, go out but not taunt him about being inadequate. Only you can decide. Your man can't because he has opted out.

Thatswhy11 · 05/01/2024 17:56

Dis you have a healthy sex life prior this OP? I don't think many people will say its "ok" to have an affair. I think as an adult though we should be able to understand each others perspective... we don't have to agree! That's very different.

premiur · 05/01/2024 17:56

So he can't have sex and has decided not to be intimate at all?

Original poster
SparklingSpaceMonkey · 05/01/2024 18:05

Basically yes, there are obviously other things we could but it’s not offered

I can’t honestly remember if other things where offered to me by dh at the beginning of the problem or not, it seems so long ago.

what i can say though is there has definitely been nothing offered or suggested for at least a year

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 05/01/2024 18:07

No, not cheat. Have a fling with your husbands consent, that’s different. But there’s never a reasonable argument for lying and sneaking around. You married in sickness and in health, and that includes this. If you don’t want to stick to that anymore, and I don’t blame you, then end the marriage. You can’t have your cake and eat it. Most people don’t want to end the marriage for selfish reasons, because of a change in lifestyle, less money. Or maybe because you still love him. But if you love him have some respect. Speak to him about how you’re feeling. If no resolution then I suggest you end the marriage. Because if you cheat, he finds out the fall out for all (including children) will be much worse

NotObligedToArgueWithStrangers · 05/01/2024 18:18

It's ok to tell your DH you're not happy with the way things are and if it's not something he's prepared to discuss and work on, then it's the end of your relationship. It's not ok to go and have sex with someone else behind his back and lie to his face. Not ever.

anon768 · 05/01/2024 18:58

Riseandshinee · 05/01/2024 17:31

I’ll probably get jumped on for this but intimacy and feeling close to someone and sex are all human needs and your husband is neglecting you

I agree with this!

Original poster
SparklingSpaceMonkey · 05/01/2024 19:00

In response to the comments about lesbians couples which is valued, thank you

my dh makes no effort at all to offer or suggest anything else- not even compliments when I’m dressed for a night out with friends

im only 40 by the way, seems way too young to be celibate but I honestly feel dh has made that decision for me

OP posts:
Nogooddeed7 · 05/01/2024 19:03

I think your husband is being incredibly unkind and unfair OP. There are things you could do together… it’s sad that he’s not even offering to try :(

Jollyoldfruit · 05/01/2024 19:28

You should end your relationship but I wouldn’t judge you for having an affair. Your dh sounds incredibly selfish.