Is it ever “ok” to have an affair?

[SparklingSpaceMonkey]

Long story short, married (10+ years) with two young kids, 10 year age gap with husband. Life is hard around work and children ( both children have special needs)
Relationships with husband has become more like a friendship, he can no longer have sex due to medical reasons, meds haven’t worked and he’s more than reluctant to investigate further. No intimacy at all for over a year.

I love my husband and don’t want to break our family apart but at the same time feel i will burst if I don’t get some intimacy from somewhere, desperately need to feel desired/attractive, alive etc

May possible have an opportunity for something outside my marriage….

Is that ever ok or the right thing to do?

Sorry for the slightly blunt info but this is incredibly hard to share- please don’t suggest chatting to husband about this as I’ve tried and it gets us nowhere, just causes lots of tears and upset

Thank you

I do feel he is being selfish and I’m angry with him for not trying more. I feel like he doesn’t see me.

however when we have previously talked about the problem he gets very emotional crying and says he knows how it will end ( me going elsewhere)

but then he does nothing to make me stay on this regard

it’s such a horrible heartbreaking situation and i feel he is acting as he does out of fear and embarrassment

i feel so torn, I love my family but feel im dying inside

friends worry that there will be no future in our relationship once our children have grown and left, i worry that i will have missed out on valuable years by then

I can’t even come to a reasonable solution myself- every option i loose

also my self esteem is very low and has always been a big issue for me. My husband knows this, not being made to feel attractive in anyway is pretty soul destroying

What happens if you cuddle up to him in bed op?

I think there are situations where I wouldn’t judge an affair but I don’t think your situation justifies it.

I guess you couldn’t suggest an open marriage? You think he wouldn’t consider it?

He's being incredibly selfish and I think, at only 40, you deserve to have a fulfilling relationship. Suggest separating. Then take it from there. Don't accept a sexless marriage for the rest of your life just because he has.

Hi

sorry about your situation, I’ve been in a similar one. There’s no easy answer to this, it’s not ok to have an affair, or go elsewhere unless it’s agreed. It’s also not ok to be asked to be in a sexless marriage. For me sex is one of the defining things in a marriage, unless both of you agree it isn’t.

I’d think about the consequences for you and him were you to have an affair and be found out. There are plenty of threads on here that show you how it feels for both those who have the affair and those who have been cheated on.

As someone speaking from experience still trying to undo damage, I know I should have been brave enough to face into the issue, but I completely understand with your self esteem being low, not feeling attractive,
that it’s hard to think how you could fix this together.

It’s hard for your OH to face into this, but it’s not ok for you to feel like this as a consequence. He’s going to have to be completely honest or he’s going to lose you. You need to make it clear that’s going to happen unless you can sort it out.

Having an affair might work if you are never found out, but I suspect it would cause its own issues even without being caught.

I’m not judging, but I know it didn’t work for me (I justified it at the time), and I wish I’d made a different decision.

good luck

No.

It's never ok but there are certain situations where I wouldn't judge. As pp said losing a partner to dementia or a person in an abusive marriage looking for an escape. I repeat its not right but I wouldn't judge.

Only you can decide what's right for you. It really doesn't sound like you can continue as you are so you need to make changes. If you leave you have some control over the situation and timing but if an affair comes out all bets are off and you lose that control and possibly a decent future co-parenting relationship.

I feel like there is a massive void of sexless

sorry if that sounds silly but I’m trying to be honest and open

he is allergic to viagra and i fell im asking him to possibly put his life at risk if i instigate sex
( as a side effect he struggles to breathe)

we sometimes cuddle on the sofa and kiss hello and goodbye but it is in no way sexual
if that makes sense

also not getting the natural reaction of him being physically turned on or effected by cuddling is really emotionally painful for me
so i tend to avoid if possible- he doesn’t seek
me out in bed for cuddles either and we go to bed at different times

i fell like im living with a friend, one I love dearly

Have you spoke to him about you potentially having a FWB?

No it’s not ok even in those circumstances

Talk to him and tell him you are on the verge of having an affair. You say nobit ends up in tears and arguments, well how do you think thing will end up after your affair invariably gets found out? Your marriage is destined for tears, at least a conversation now saying you are on edge of having an affair and to change or its over enables you to have more decency and dignity in how you end things.
You are still going to be in each other's life, if you cheat there is a chance yoyr children and friends and family will also know and take sides but if you divorce without cheating you will be more respected and a role model for your kids.
Think of respect and integrity.
Your family matters to you, then bite the bulley and have this difficult conversation one ladt time before divorce. There are no happy affairs, it will hurt so many people you care about for your own selfish cowardly itch relief. If this sounds harsh, its because I have been there so close to cheating and now years later im glad I didn't.

This is why affairs happen. He can treat you as a housemate/companion because it suits him but you apparently are judged for looking for more! I judge him because he takes you for granted.

You’re not in love with him though.

It is ever ok? Yes imo.

Is it ok in these circumstances? No. This is already unbelievably sensitive and difficult and you are already hurting each other. It sounds as if he has given up and is just waiting for the blow to fall. Please please go and seek out some couples counselling - it's got to be worth trying.

No. Not fair on husband unless he’s aware.

However if you pop over to the thread about the OP who is gay, loads of posters think it’s fine to be an extramarital lesbian. Bizarre.

Have you asked about an open relationship?

There's a risk that if you had an affair or even a FWB if he agreed that it will make you feel worse afterwards, some people in your situation feel shit because it makes them realise that they only want that desire and intimacy from their partner, or in other cases they pine over the affair partner after it's over so they then go back to the sexless relationship plus have the heartbreak and longing to deal with too.

I think sometimes it can lead to very short term fleeting gain but even more long term pain.

How is friends with benefits seen as less then cheating? I’m just curious, that’s not meant to sound bitchy

i think in honesty if I asked about having an open marriage or any similar he would be horrified

its all so confusing, keep going round in circles in my head

theres no right or easy answer. I do appreciate everyones input and taking the time to read x

I meant friends with benefits if he agreed.....so if he gave you permission, then it's not cheating.

You have taken your vows to stand by your husband in sickness and in health. If this was the other way round, would you be okay if he slept with other women because you couldn't have sex anymore? I don't know, it's a tough one :/ maybe explore other ways for satisfaction rather than other people but then again I guess until you're in that dynamic yourself it's not fair to judge

I am nearly 70 and have been living in a sexless marriage for about 5 years. DH has ED but it didn't stop him in the past from using viagra and, as it began to work less well, getting on with some good non penetrative sex. But then he just gradually stopped and for me, it is utterly soul destroying. I feel I'm too old now to end our 50 year partnership and look elsewhere. But if I was 40 and thought there was another 30 years of this to be faced I couldn't bear it, honestly. I wouldn't judge you for having an affair, no. Do whatever it takes to get some pleasure for yourself.

You can be sexual without having piv sex. You don’t have to wait for him to suggest or offer - you can suggest.

Tell him you love him, and you really miss the physical aspect of your relationship. Tell him you want to find a way to be happy with him, because you love him and don’t want to break up your family, but you need some physical intimacy back. Ask him if he would be willing to kiss, cuddle and stimulate you - so that YOU have an orgasm - and for that to be part of your relationship going forward.

See how he responds.

No it can never be right to cheat on your partner under any circumstances. If you feel the need to shag someone else, have the decency to leave your husband first. When you married, you made vows to each other - do they mean nothing?

Age gap relationships can throw up more of these problems.

The thing is you make choices when pairing up, maybe the 10 year age gap threw up some advantages at the time, more distinguished, more money, a security knowing you're younger and more desirable as the younger partner.

The disadvantages also exist, and one of those problems can be health and an earlier loss of libido than if you met someone of the same age.

Anyway the answer is no, you promised to love someone in sickness and in health, by having an affair you would be destroying his mental health.

Either tell him, open the relationship up or give him the chance to end the relationship.

If you have an affair and he finds out he will be completely destroyed.

@gmgnts I'm very much in agreement with you.

To give some context my relationship with my partner of nearly 30 years ended when I discovered he was having an affair. I was completely blindsided by this. It was wrong of him and he knows this. I moved out and after nearly four years apart we are friends. I've had some amazing sexual experiences in between then. This is not what I would have chosen. I wish we could have worked it out and had a stable happy life. It wasn't meant to be.

You have a choice. The first thing you need to do is find out if the possibility of sexual desire and intimacy between you and your husband could be rekindled through counselling and open communication. If he won't engage or listen to you then you have to do what's right for you. My sex life was dead in the water at your age and it made me utterly miserable. I'm 53 now and I have plenty of opportunities for sex and intimacy. It can be lonely being on your own at first and I've had some bad dates but I'm living a life where I feel true to myself and my kids and my ex respect me for it.

Good luck to you OP.

I wouldn’t judge at all. All these people saying ‘No, never. Leave your marriage’ are being too idealistic, I think.

A discreet affair, had carefully, has the potential to make you happier and make your marriage happier too.