Is it ever “ok” to have an affair?

[SparklingSpaceMonkey]

Long story short, married (10+ years) with two young kids, 10 year age gap with husband. Life is hard around work and children ( both children have special needs)
Relationships with husband has become more like a friendship, he can no longer have sex due to medical reasons, meds haven’t worked and he’s more than reluctant to investigate further. No intimacy at all for over a year.

I love my husband and don’t want to break our family apart but at the same time feel i will burst if I don’t get some intimacy from somewhere, desperately need to feel desired/attractive, alive etc

May possible have an opportunity for something outside my marriage….

Is that ever ok or the right thing to do?

Sorry for the slightly blunt info but this is incredibly hard to share- please don’t suggest chatting to husband about this as I’ve tried and it gets us nowhere, just causes lots of tears and upset

Thank you

That’s really noble of him - but is it fair to expect him to remain celibate for the rest of the one life he has?

I agree. I wouldn’t say it’s fine but neither would I judge you.

Of course outright cheating is wrong - but arrangements can be made to keep everyone happy. If not, then separation is the answer.

So you want to have and eat your cake?

No, I can see why you would leave but be honest and do it correctly, stop justifying

I had been with my ex since 18,at 30 we went through a wobble and he turned around and said ' go find yourself someone else, you'll be back
Middle of 2010 we separated for 6 weeks and then got back together, no kids... and I met a guy on a night out. We exchanged emails, met every 6 weeks, no sex .. and then after 20 months exh and I were close to separation.

I was madly in love with the other guy.
My marriage broke and so did my affair.

I told exh everything before the breakup, his arrogance inhibited him from believing it no matter how much I told him.

That affair kept me alive through the last couple of years of my marriage and I would say said guy was the love of my life.

As someone who is currently struggling, having been on the worst end of an affair no, there’s no excuse. If the relationship is over be honest and get out. You might want the best of both worlds but that just makes you selfish. Tell him it’s over and finish the relationship.

Yes

The world and all its relationships do not fit into black and white boxes.

I think you should talk to him about your need for sexual intimacy and if he's up for either working on that with you or giving you his blessing to seek it elsewhere. Just see what he says. Perhaps get a therapist so help you have the conversation if you think he'd blow up or shut down (most men would! And most women too I guess)

I don't think having an affair is ever ok... but there are also some situations where I couldn't possibly judge. I think yours would be one of them.

He knows it is completely eroding your self confidence, that you feel alone, unattractive and frustrated.. but he is willing to do pretty much naff all to improve the situation. Whatever embarrassment he may feel in seeking answers/solutions should be overshadowed by his desire to make you happier, and save your marriage. At the minute he's essentially expecting you to stick around whilst being very unhappy, because he's alright with the arrangement - it's very selfish.

That being said i think you need to say 'look, either we work through this problem together, or you're right - I will end up going elsewhere. Our relationship is going to end if this isn't fixed'. You need to lay your cards on the table - if he gets upset, so be it. You need to be honest, even if it ultimately ends your relationship.
Otherwise you'll get to 70, like a PP has described, and wonder why on earth you put up with it. You'll feel stuck, and IMO life is too short to live half of it like this

Going against the grain here but I do think it's ok to have an affair given your circumstances but I would try having one final discussion with your DH first.
He needs to understand that whilst he can't do the deed as such, that you are feeling neglected and he could make some effort to satisfy you sexually. It's all very well him getting upset but you're hurting too. I would ask him how he'd feel about an open marriage too as that would be a better option imo.
However, I think in reality even if he does agree to try to meet your sexual needs without piv that won't be enough (it wouldn't be for me. Like you OP, I like to be desired and I personally love piv and nothing else would come close).
So yes, I do think an affair could be justified.

@Macaroni46 well the PIV won't matter. Given OP is seeing a woman...

Also all this talk of ‘if you’re not happy just leave’ is so simplistic. So many women cannot afford to leave, or (in the case of some women I know) knows the husband is a bit incapable of looking after the children but would want 50/50. I think if he was committed to working on his ED and pleasing OP then an affair wouldn’t be justified, but he isn’t. I don’t think some posters know what its like to go for years and years without any sexual pleasure or intimate touch at all.

I totally get and feel your pain. I’ve not had sex for years. The connection and intimacy is gone. We’ve tried counselling but are back at square 1. It’s soul destroying. If you haven’t experienced it then you can’t understand. It’s not just PIV, it’s that look, that spark, that feeling that another human being desires you in a sexual way.
My DH has ED. In the past he used viagra but I felt it was more for his benefit than mine. He never made me feel desired. Any sex was in bed, lights off like a process for him. As a result I’ve now built walks. I can’t get past feeling like I was just a vassal to procreate with - strangely he never needed viagra when we were “shagging for kids” as he put it.
Because the sex was awful I never really felt like trying to resurrect it believing no sex to be better than bad sex. I’m not sure where we go from here. He’s a good man but I feel I’ve been denied the best sexual years of my life because I wasn’t worth the effort.
I feel lost and sad most of the time. If we split, as so easily suggested by so many on here the kids, even though they are older teens and at Uni, will be devastated. Our combined friendships of the last 25 years will be awkward, our finances will be stretched.
I’ve been having an emotional affair/limerence over the last year. It’s kind of fizzling out now but it’s been the only thing keeping me going. We are but mammals living in the social construct of marriage to keep life in neat little boxes. But the draw of sex is what keeps the human race alive. I wouldn’t judge you OP, but like someone else said upthread, I’d judge your DH. He’s made his decision and it suits him, but not you! If that’s marriage then yet more evidence that it’s always for the man’s benefit.
My DH never sought help or therapy. I eventually said if he wants us to remain together then he sorts out therapy. We had couples counselling and I’ve had my own counselling but he never sought it out for himself. I’m sick of doing the heavy emotional lifting because he can’t be arsed and we’ll probably split eventually but I don’t know when coz I’m so exhausted by feeling unseen. for you OP

Errr no! OP very clearly talks about DH and uses the pronoun he!

This is spot on, it's not OK to have an affair, but it's not OK for your husband to not acknowledge this and try to compromise somehow. I feel for you, Sister x

No it's never ok.
Him ignoring the problems in your marraige isn't ok either.
However two wrongs don't make a right.

Tell him you aren't prepared to continue like this.

He has 3 choices:

1. Seek medical help for his libido
2. Couples counselling
3. Divorce

Tell him you are really reluctant to pursue option 3 but are afraid that 3 will be the only option if 1& 2 aren't explored.

If the DH isnt bothered he will probably be clock watching while he stimulates OP. Not conducive to an orgasm i wouldnt have thought

If that’s marriage then yet more evidence that it’s always for the man’s benefit

THIS They KNOW that women are still more judged for liking and wanting sex. So in some cases use it to their advantage

No one's ever going to give you permission OP. But you don't need it.
You're in a situation where it's probably going to be impossible to be both fulfilled and to keep your reputation. Women are judged for ending marriages with kids where there's no abuse and still more judged for having an affair, if they admit it or get found out. You are worth more than the situation you're in. Whether you leave now or later is up to you, but unless your husband starts to try to meet your needs that's the only outcome I can see. And yes it's ok. Just be prepared for the shitstorm. I've been through similar and it's not pretty. Just do the best you can for you and your kids.
Ignore the sacred marriage vows lot, they generally don't care much for sex anyway.

I guess if the only sex you can remember involved an hour of grunting and face pulling then you wouldn't miss it much.

If he can’t get a boner and as such can’t come, where is the incentive for him to have loads of non penetrative sex? Surely a one sided sex life for life is much the same as having none.

if you can seperate emotion from sex then I would say just go for it if you aren’t willing to divorce, as long as the man in question isn’t married.

Not PC but a yes for me, your husband needs you to stay with him, but if you need and can have a sexual relationship with someone (privately) elsewhere that doesn't hurt anyone else I don't see it's wrong.

Yeah, a lot of people in this situation seem to think they'd be content with their partner getting involved in them pleasuring themselves or that their partner would pleasure them in different ways, but it often doesn't solve the problem because the person feels shit anyway if they can tell their partner isn't really into it, and often the other person gets berated for not being into it or not being able to pretend they're really enjoying it.

I wanted to write the exact same thing.

The standard MN line in these situations is "noone is owed sex". So OP No, your husband does not owe you sex. And you are being horribly cruel to him as this is clearly a medical issue for him and ED is really hard on men. It's a very delicate and emotional issue.
So. Yes, if you want to have your fun get a divorce, move out, live your life on your own terms.

Agreed. It’s so cruel to end up in this kind of relationship because breaking up a family, moving your kids into a different house, destabilising their lives for PIV seems utterly selfish on the face of it. But it isn’t - sex is a basic need. Life is stressful/shit for many and sex (for me) is basically the only activity when I feel 100% relaxed, decompressed, distracted and good about myself. Without a hangover at the end of it.